Bright room

In a weird way,everything adds up.The way I pictured my future is now,though slightly twisted and even more terrifying ,a reflection of my present.

You see,I got my bright and white room.A bed on the left side.The possibility of cuddling up next to a wide window,with a crimson cup of tea in my hands and music pouring through my veins.

It's a process,there's no denying that.A brutal,roller coaster-like process,but I have to tame my emotions somehow.Not to the point of numbness,that's not the solution.But I can't afford being ecstatic in the morning,then miserable by nightfall.

I want to rediscover my passion for reading,my childish attraction towards small miracles,my love for all those things that make life worth living...

I'm sleepy all the time now.Maybe the fear of studying/failing/not being good enough has finally caught up with me-great.It's going to be one ugly winter vacation,that's for sure...

You know what's killing me?The silence.It's something static,strangely dramatic and spiritually draining.Dominant and merciless.My God...

I need to sort this soul out as soon as possible.

P.S. 12.12.2012-you don't see that everyday.

Hit me,snowflake,one more time!

Ziua de azi poate fi catalogata drept ziua "intrebari/descoperiri bizare 101".Vorbesc foarte serios!Parca a descarcat cineva in capul meu o casa de nebuni sub forma unui playlist,asteptand sa vada ce fel de opera semi-psihedelica iese.Don't believe me?Mostra:

• "Cum ar fi sa avem tentacule in loc de dinti?Cred ca ar fi ciudat.Si gelatinos.Foarte gelatinos..."
• "Mi-e groaza sa numar cate scari urc si cobor zilnic-nope,nu pot,nu vreau,n-am s-o fac!"
• "Cel mai cu gauri pulover a trebuit sa-mi iau si eu astazi pe mine!Nici nu a venit gerul Bobotezei afara!Apoi,cum sa nu..."
• "Metroul trebuia facut mai larg si mai prietenos.Clar.Si albastru!"
• "Normal ca ma apuca si pe mine cheful de plimbare prin Bucuresti tocmai in ziua cand lesina termometrul de frig.Cine are nevoi de degete,oricum?Of,sfinte..."
• "Pipaiala din metrou nu reprezinta tocmai idealul meu de intimitate,dar ma impac eu cumva si cu experienta asta..."
• "Maine imi iau masca de sudura-pai,nu se mai poate,frate!Asta e zapada sau bataie cu nisip alb?!?"

Dupa cum vedeti,am avut o zi maxim interesanta.Maxim.

Snowy railroad

mi-as scoate cosmarurile din cap cu clestele
incins si botezat
in mare,ca apoi sa le inec
pe rand,cu voluptate,
in groapa umeda din care ne tragem toti.
a murit o inima cosmica,
sangele a inghetat alb
printre noi,
noi,cei muscati de caini transparenti
si inlantuiti cu vant de glezne;
un chip blajin mai sparge tiparul turcoaz
de rau
din cand in cand,
dar veninul plantat de timpuriu in trup
triumfa si de sub gheata,si din pamant.
iar.iar.iar.
iar smulge din mine animalul acela
metalic si disonant
o bucata,
de parca-mi permit sa ma pierd acum,
de parca mi-am dorit vreodata!
alearga prin intuneric,prin ceasuri,
prin mocirla maculata,
ajungand cu bot satisfacut
in ruginita-i vizuina-
se pare ca mi-au inviat cosmarurile
si m-au urmarit
pana la capat...

Candy,coffee and carved words

"I'd rather have you,cursed or not...",I whisper to a weary bed in the morning,brushing off my shoulders all those eerie nightmares.

Eating candy for breakfast with my brother has reached the top of my "Awesome things to do" list.The rainbow now lives inside of me,but I'm proud to carry this sweet and savory burden.

If given the possibility (both physically and financially),I would drink my entire body weight in coffee.I am not even remotely kidding,that's how much I love that black drug!Do I have a problem?No?OK.Yes?Please,don't solve it!I like my issue as it is: delightful and damaging.

I can't write properly today.As crippling and crazy as it may seem,I just...can't.My left wrist is a sunken wreck beside me,while my right hand refuses to conjure any helpful muse.That being said,I have to comply and baptize my words as "ordinary".

Though spending Sunday night at home is a treat in itself,there's no denying that this part of the week will always remain among my least favorite time-sensations,soul-definers and imagination-crushers.

The wind's howling on the rooftop,the TV is showing reruns,I'm kinda losing it-when I said "I'm my own worst enemy",I sure as Hell was not kidding...

Wishing

Considering I've wasted my entire day watching TV shows and drinking delicious coffee,I think it's only natural I unravel my Christmas list early.So,dear Santa,here's what you have to keep in mind for poor old me this year:

• a TARDIS
• my very own Grumpy Cat
• an infinite supply of coffee and tea
• self-confidence
• better writing skills
• a purpose in life and the power to fulfill it
• the ability to eat without gaining weight
• good grades and,better yet,good knowledge
• the chance to see my cherished seaside in the middle of summer
• love
• season 3 of "Sherlock"
• closure
• an abundance of marvelous art
• something unexpected (in a positive way)
• roses,honey,warm kisses
• an improved version of myself
• playful,sassy and caring pets
• no more nightmares (I mean it!)
• most importantly,a healthy and happy family,with whom to spend all my moments

Thank you,Santa.I appreciate it.I really do.

"Girlish train"

Friday morning is the most tiresome and exhilarating experience of the week,to be honest.

For some peculiar reason,I always end up wearing oversized sweaters when I'm feeling warm and fuzzy.Silly,isn't it?

I only like the subway when it's putting me on the right track,that being the one towards home.

I could get used to this,you know.The blue train I eagerly await all week long,carrying myself and my darling girls,while we chat and gossip and laugh our troubles away.It makes the trip seem shorter and it reminds me of so many wonderful times we have spent together.I missed being a girly girl once in a while...

Coming here isn't good for my figure,but it does wonders for my confidence and happiness,though.Fair trade.

Of course I didn't get my presents on time: St.Nicholas didn't have my new address!Luckily for me,the old one's the same.Problem solved!

Nothing screams perfection like a bed full of cats,bright tangerines and a 10 p.m. cup of coffee-at least,my kind of perfection.

...if only I could exorcise these stupid thoughts of death and perdition out of my head-preferably,without the aid of tears.

Burdened eyelids

I should know better than sleeping only a few hours before an exhausting day.Apparently,I don't,because I almost headbutted a few flat surfaces this morning in my search for blessed unconsciousness.To be or not to be me-that is not the question anymore...

Even though I bitch and whine about this place all the time,I do have to admit I've met some very interesting and lovely people here.Mostly girls.Girls are awesome.

I deserve answers.Complete and meaningful words.Full sentences.Anything that would make me see I'm not completely stupid.Or,maybe,that I am.Anyhow,some light on the matter would be great.Terrific,actually.

Who needs a well-deserved rest when you can wonder through a busy supermarket,buying chocolate for the ones you love and humming addictive tunes?Not me,that's for sure...

I will forever worry about basically everything,there's no denying that.Might as well enjoy the crazy-drenched ride...

Paradox: being so tired that you become hyperactive.Try explaining that!

Now,if you'll excuse me,I have a date with a bed and a pillow...

P.S. St.Nicholas' day wasn't all that bad after all.

Rainy afternoon

You know what sucks lollipops?Having to do something really important,stalling the process (like the t**t that you are) and then freaking out about it.I can't even...

English,thou art a heartless language!And this is coming from someone who loves you unconditionally!Ugh,what is my life?!

Things are inherently good when you can sing Florence and the Machine in your underwear,while eating cereal and dancing around the room like a lunatic.They really are,though.

I never thought I'd be reading on the subway,smiling for unaware and pretty strangers,inventing stories far beyond my reach and wit.The future's a wonder,that's for sure!

You can build me up with one single word,yet you can crumble my empire with far less-fair?I think not.But I wouldn't have it any other way...

I realize when I'm being silly,but sometimes you just have to let go,become an enthusiastic 5-year old,point at things and laugh like crazy.Keeps you sane,keeps you healthy.Even happy,I might say...

I only function after 10 p.m. and that's a fact.

"No light,no light/In your bright blue eyes..."

One step at a time

made out of strings and silky ropes,
this body
won't stop until all those steps
are stained with time
and heart and laughter...
I'm leaving ribbons of DNA behind,
fleshy kisses,
ink-covered wounds,
memories that never happened,
emotions woven out of
history's doom...
refusing to yield in
and striving to glue back together
ivory and broken bones-
that's how I spend this winter tale,
among shadows from
another world...
tired,yet content-how seldom
do I see their marriage bloom!
one step at a time,
one aching muscle above
sea level,
one inch of skin bruised
by morals and affliction-
I hate how much I love
punishing myself...

Feelin' good

Life's sometimes good,man!I don't know,it just is...Even though I've slept 4-5 hours tops and I screwed up my coffee this morning and I spent my first class in a cold hallway,reading a red-covered book,it's been nice so far.Flaws and all.

I'm hanging on to small things and it's apparently working.My darling "Captain Jack Sparrow" T-shirt,gorgeous strangers on the subway,enticing stories,tasty food,passionate sounds,the most anticipated phone call of the day and so,so,so much more.My current lifestyle is extremely hectic and tiresome,something I'm not exactly used to,but I have to manage.No,I need to.No lies,no false expectations.Just simple things that match a simple soul.I don't think I'm a pretentious princess,just a little lost girl.OK,that was sappy,feel free to judge me.

But I do enjoy feeling good and there's no shame in that.Considering it's a rather rare experience for me,I think I've earned the right to brag a bit.Yes,it's not the same as back home,but...my heart is where it has to be,you know?Today,I'm at peace with myself and with the world .And it's a wonderful sensation I couldn't cherish more.So thank you.

Life's sometimes good,man...

Chief procrastinator

In conclusion,I'm a lazy ass.That's it.That's all.There's no need for a detailed explanation as to why I can't be productive whatsoever.I just am.Deliberately and wholeheartedly.C'est la vie!C'est la guerre!Alas...

And I start out so damn enthusiastic!I plan to conquer the world and I end up being conquered by its charms.Glorious books,divine coffee,supernatural music,lovely family moments,amazing movies,poetical ecstasy,a good night's sleep and plain old procrastination at its peak.
It's not that I don't want to be useful to the Universe (let's say)-believe me,I do!And I stress out as Hell about it,too!But that wicked demon called "sloth" pulls me down each time,saying "No,Adriana!You shall not prevail this time!".And I'm like "OK."...then BOOM!Shut down.Typical,no?

I gave up trying to understand myself a long time ago.I'm just gonna go with the flow,be it redemption or damnation.To my mind,there's no middle ground.Myself or nobody-ultimate resolution.
"That's all folks!",said miss Nope-Can't-Won't as she went back to doing absolutely nothing.

To begin with,I'm at a loss for words.Oh,well...

My life's tempest

I'm my own worst enemy.I conjure Hell with all my might,crying,cursing and holding God's hand in prayer throughout.Waves rise in my flesh and my mind follows in howling wind- I create myself,only to demand destruction in return.Self-destruction,that is.

Don't get me wrong,the world's not a saint's den: demons walk alongside me and the Devil dwells in each and every one of us.But,while outside curses can be fought,the ones inside are harder to cast away.It's easier to fall and become one with the ground...Insanity's like honey: deliciously tempting and stomach-wrenching when abused of.It's a tie,then: my reflected hatred mixed with the Universe's poison-what a treat...

"I'll open the door to Heaven or Hell"-I wish now not to choose the latter.Maybe because I'm home,maybe because I've had too much coffee,I don't really care-this storm won't end in shipwreck.Not today.

So I bid farewell to my dark spirits and welcome mortal angels.

I'm my best friend when circumstances favor.

"We are such stuff

As dreams are made on..."

W.Shakespeare