"Fine"

"Forgive me,Father,for I will sin..."

I absolutely loathe the word "fine",it's like a jinx of mine.Every single damn time I even start to believe things are going fairly OK,something happens to make my knees go weak and my stomach to cringe.

Stating "normalcy" becomes the equivalent of "let's wait and see how long before it all goes to Hell".

Oh,man,take it from me: alcohol and tea don't go well together...If it weren't for my pulse,I'd think myself dead right now.

I just don't feel...real anymore.I'm always seeing things out of the corner of my eye,I'm constantly on the lookout for the next disaster,I'm forever bound to worry about every single fucking thing in the world.

When I cry,they say I'm weak and crazy.Well,maybe I am,maybe I've become so...

I just don't know how to cope with life as it is...I feel spiritually sick,like my soul has a wound I can't heal.

Or won't heal?Beats me.I'm either a masochist or insane-maybe both.

I absolutely loathe the word "fine" because it has become merely a cue for the Devil to step in.

My Devil.

Let's not

tie my hands with flowers and fingers,
dress my legs in tiles,
love me like it's mid January
and let's pretend you're real and alive

there's a softness to my blankets
and a shadow in my pillow
swallowing the crown of flowers and nightmares
I made not to be forsaken

let's not pretend I'm sane enough
to function only on coffee and strange ghosts
that carry your image within the darkness
of my weary soul-
it's all for nothing,
it's a war fought with dust...

so cover my eyes with crispy lace,
undress my backbone with a knife,
hate me like I would myself
and bend the world to make it right

Travel and unravel

O sa vina o zi cand o sa simt si o sa gust pe deplin libertatea sufletului-o sa vina.
Am dormit fara monstri sub pat,iar asta imi mai indulceste putin cafeaua.
Mi-e drag de tricoul alb pentru ca imi aminteste de foile pe care imi astern codificat existenta.
Oare o sa fiu vreodata multumita de mine?
Ma indragostesc in fiecare zi de strainii speciali din metrou,insa niciodata nu aflu daca sentimentul este impartasit.
Bagajele imi fac bataturi la mana,caldura ma sufoca,coada de la ghiseu ma invita.
Trenul este vaporul meu etans,iar valurile incarcate de soare imi muta maruntaiele in mine si imi amesteca melodiile in craniu.
Am descoperit mai multe lucruri stand in pat decat am reusit calatorind-trist sau magic?
Cafeaua cu putin lapte este o placere vinovata divina de-a mea.
Pentru ochii lui albastri,m-as face si eu printesa...
Trebuie sa invat sa capitulez atunci cand trupul mi-o cere dureros.

Broken mirror

Do you ever feel like there will always be someone exactly like you,only so much better?

I constantly have this thought at the back of my mind,but today it stood right in front of me,flesh and bone,a broken image that I never really wanted to acknowledge was mine.

I wanted to cry,but my tears failed me,so I remained hollow and longing for salvation.Yes,I do this thing where I believe somebody else will save me-actually,could save me.Stupid,I know...

It's stupid to wait for another broken marionette to grab you by the strings and make the show spectacular.But I'm a stupid little girl underneath all these years carved into my bones and flesh and memories.

I need to be told I'm worth a damn,that I'm special,that I'm beautiful,that I deserve to be alive.I crave an anchor,but I'm at open sea and all I have is a circus mirror.What good can that do me?My ghouls are stirring up again...

It's been a long time since I've felt this...unimportant.

Books,blankets,bids

Pe cat punem pariu ca n-o sa fac nimic cu viata mea?

Adica,pe bune,eu chiar n-am niciun fel de motivatie personala.Faptul ca nu vreau sa-mi dezamagesc familia (si tampitul de ego) sau sa fiu o povara pentru cineva nu se pun-sunt lucruri oarecum independente de ce vreau cu adevarat eu.Bine,ar fi mult mai usor daca as intelege "cu adevarat" si cat mai repede ce vreau.

Pana atunci,mor cu o tona de cursuri si carti in brate,inconjurata de pisici si paturi moi,visand la filme,seriale,muzica si scenarii imposibile in viata asta si cea de dupa.

Situatia avea hazul ei la 15-16 ani,dar la 20 e deja patetic si infricosator.Si simt cum trec clipele,minutele,orele pe langa mine fara niciun rost,iar eu am uitat pana si cum sa le regret goliciunea.Sper sa nu spun asta si peste 5 ani...

Ma plang eu ce ma plang,dar stiu ca nu rezolv nimic oricum.Viata nu se schimba in niciun fel daca ii arati cu degetul defectele.

Prin urmare,pe cat punem pariu ca o sa spun aceleasi lucruri si peste 5 ani?

Thinking puppet

Lazy morning.Coffee breakfast.Demanding little brother.Childhood cartoons."Blue jeans,white shirt".Playful cats.Fluffy blankets.Dull books.Rising summer heat.Fleshy sour cherries.Old memories.Plastic door.Emerald and muddy lighting in a show.Painful heart.Heavy eyelids.Haunting songs.Bubbling panic.Purposeless purpose.Numb ankles.Complete family.Raspy throat.Distant words.Concrete brain.Uninteresting papers.Stinging coffee.Pink hands.Silly child.Metal hours.Blue circles under my eyes.Sleepy skin.Noisy house.Ugly socks.Scattered willingness.Crazy plans.Blinding phantoms.Gliding pen.Cold wall.Crooked spine.Growing night.Thinking puppet.

"And all I want to do

is bang my head against

a wall..."

Lovely love

I...It's hard for me to accept that people actually like me,even love me at some point.It really is...

It's hard because I don't know whether this affection springs from a real core or just relies on some sort of beneficial relationship that I always seem to nurture for others.

Even so,I can't deny that it feels good to be needed-a surrogate for the purpose I apparently lack in life.

I tend to joke about the fact that I'm either going to be the best or the worst mother in the world because I'm very protective,even of the people I've barely met or barely know.

Most of the time,this kind of attitude towards others becomes tiresome and draining,like I'm giving myself in small pieces to all those I get close to.Some take advantage,some couldn't care less,while some accept me as I am.It's not a fair trade,but "we accept the love we think we deserve".

That's why today seemed to me most peculiar.For the first time in forever,I felt loved.Honestly.Euphorically.Collectively.

I'd rather not go into details because my overthinking might spoil this beautiful moment.The thing is I let myself bask in the glory of hugs and kisses of friends,strangers,people I know through other people and that's all.If you could only see the silly smile on my face right now,oh,how would you laugh at a silly creature!

But I can't help but smile and be happy-I've forgotten how to do so wholeheartedly for a while now...

I won't say altruism is the biggest form of egotism there is.I won't admit this "love" is tainted by more practical needs and intellectual stereotypes.I won't even mention how much of an emotional sponge I've become.No.I'll take everything as it is and "store" it up for darker days-and we all know there will be a lot of those...

Love can be lovely when it comes in time of need.And I'm always in need of warm skin,warm lips,warm feelings.

So thank you.

Pointless day and scattered actions

This day has no seams.No purpose.No point.
I wander about just to seem more alive,but every function I fuel could be as easily done by a machine.I eat not to sleep and I sleep not to cry.
There's a meaning to this pale way of being,I know it is,yet I can't seem to convince myself of the not so obvious.
It's funny and mortifying at the same time how even the tinniest of decisions influences your present and future.
You see,I tend to get carried away with these things and see the end of the world everywhere.But that's how I am and it will never change,rest assured.
That's why today was so scary.I had too much time to worry and less to lose myself in an amazingly flatline life.My ghouls got out again,even in broad daylight...
I sometimes can't believe my own existence is mine because it all feels so strange and distant...
I wish I could cry,let it all out.But no.Even my emotions are somewhere else...
This day looks just like a ghost would.

Scarlet and brown

the wolves in my head,they howl when
my insides weep crimson for the dead
and I'm left standing in the middle of the night
among wet sheets that resemble
the wet ashes of my nightmares

pounding,churning,hurting-
my mind punishes my flesh in lunar fits
of crackling bones and tears that refuse
to be born as such-instead,they turn into
howls of my own,muffled and broken
by the stale softness of a pillow

night fades,day grows,I have to be human
once more-time stands still for no one,
not even for somebody who needs it the most

the earth swallows everything in an organic vision
of unwanted Revelation and I count down the hours
as you would the beads of an unholy rosary

my hands tremble,my eyes wonder,my mouth bends-
and I can still hear a howl

Stormy start

Incepu oficial sesiunea.Mda,mda,mnu.

Nici nu pot sa procesez corespunzator faptul ca (aproape) am terminat primul an de facultate,d-apoi sa ma echipez emotional pentru luna care urmeaza.Asa e,o luna intreaga si "distractiva" de examene,stres si nopti mai mult nedormite.

Deja mi-e sila de toate: de mine,de motivele mele,de o mandrie stupida care nu-mi foloseste la nimic.Mi-e sila de orasul asta,cu toti dubiosii pe la toate colturile,cu toata ploaia inoportuna,cu toata viata pe care nu stiu cum s-o mai definesc.Mi-e sila de orasul ala,unde ma asteapta o camera sufocanta,unde aglomeratia ma consuma,unde totul imi pare impersonal si ciudat.Mi-e sila si niciun medicament nu poate vindeca boala abia instalata.

Drumurile cu trenul,golurile din stomac,gandurile invalmasite- it's gonna be fun.

Nu mai exista nicio satisfactie "perversa" in tot chinul asta barbar,asa ca nu-mi ramane decat sa inghit si sa rabd,caci toate trec.Pana si luna asta o sa treaca.Asa cum toate trec...

Incompatibility

I'm young and my wrinkles are imaginary,
but this pain in my bones feels real,
as does my need for space,as do my thoughts
of growing ever so weary.
you scream because you don't understand
and I weep because your tongue
eludes me-we're two strangers
under the same roof; I'm fighting a war
I'm doomed to lose,you're confused
between love and something unknown...
so I sleep.I leap into darkness
from this worn out bed,with cats sprawling
by my eyes,by my hips,by my feet...
I'm hollow,but I fill a body made of
past remembrances and fleshy leaves-
I barely know you,I barely let you know me,
so we dance around a table
with no corners,with no sign of ever being
set free...

Lonely child

I used to crave loneliness with a dull ache,but now I find myself consumed by it.

I don't like an empty house,even when my cats are there to comfort me.I don't like watching silly movies just so that I can have a background noise for a dummy.I don't like feeling like I do now because it makes me dependent on other's will.

The echo is too loud,the space is just too big,the endlessness turns into void.I can't do anything,while still wanting to do everything.
Yet...It's easier this way.To care,to live,to breathe.Imagination kicks in and projections start flowing.

Like I said some time before,some people are easier to love when they're away...Well,most of them are.Distance is a sort of skeleton you can mold with skin and flesh and feelings as you wish-reality is a whole other story.

I plan on spoiling myself with coffee and "Brave" tonight-you know,be a child of some sorts again.

Still,today was a lonely day for all the wrong reasons...