Hit the road,darling!

...and the world's just one
big road,
with yellow lanterns and teal fireflies
guiding us back home;
...and I refuse to let my feet
give in,
bruised,battered,even bleeding
from the rocks which life throws
at them,
be it dawn,dusk or in between.
...and there's no such thing
as destiny,
only bare soles and willing hearts-
as long as there's dirt on the ground,
I'll be fine
and with a pen stuck
to my right hand!
...and I'll roam
these winding paths
through sizzling heat and damaged cold,
only to find my own
image
reflected at the end
of it all!
...and the world's just one
small piece
of what was,is,could become...

Lazy blankets and tired pens

masa din bucatarie mi-e prietena
atunci cand pixul
plange cu lacrimi albastre,
iar aburul usor marin ma-nvaluie
precum coada unei sirene
cu solzi din musama;
patul ca un crater visiniu
inghite
orice urma de iubire pentru litera impovarata
-vai mie!-
si lasa in urma doar cruste
din paturi bleu si bej;
podeaua din lemn desenat
cu pipeta
imi zgarie oasele si ma face sa urlu-
hartia se desface fals,n-am cum s-o dezbrac
si s-o invinetesc
surazand cu vorbe de sange si duh;
genunchii imi scartaie
cu fiecare ticait auriu al organului plastic,
iar ochii se scurg printre gratelele
de rimel-
nu pot! nu pot! nu pot!
muza mea e moarta si zace
intr-un colt uitat de Univers!
voi saruta din nou cuvantul
doar atunci cand se va fi descoperit
remediul
pentru un suflet uitat in camara.

Simply amazing

Bones aching from those long hours of sleep.Anonymous dreams that just won't let go of a wrinkled pillow.Unwilling hands and rusty joints.An overflowing breakfast,hypnotizing coffee,a chat I've forgotten how to love.Frozen streets,heavy boots,familiar strangers.An eerie and dark holiday cheer spreading through town.Small,yet meaningful gifts.Screaming,shouting,pacing around pieces of wood-some family members just don't click,I'll give you that.A blue hat for a grumpy baby brother.More coffee-because of reasons I no longer feel the need to explain.Finally getting round to watching "The Amazing Spider-Man" and,gosh,the title says it all!I will officially be 20 years of age in a month's time-send help!It feels right: here,in my bed,wrapped up in these fluffy blankets,with cats purring and music flowing through my brain-I'm not lonely,my happiness is just different from yours.I'm grateful for the mindless buzz of an open TV,for cozy socks,for who I came to be today.The bruises on my right palm are starting to heal-silly luggage!Dreams will always be diamonds embedded into my shadow.

Last train home

...also known as "How I spent the Apocalypse"

Am adormit pe la mijlocul noptii,dat fiind ca haita caminului s-a decis sa "puna in scena" profetiile mayase,la fel cum au facut si unii din nesimtitii mei colegi de parter.
Ultima cafea facuta la fierbator-nu pot sa spun ca-mi pare foarte rau de asta...
Singurii fraieri din toata facultatea...sau nu?Oricum,e oribil sa te plimbi pe scari cu bagajul de o tona,in conditiile in care bate vantul (literalmente) pe toate coridoarele.Old habits die hard,one might say.
O gara pudrata cu zapada,porumbei curiosi (si hamesiti),trenul mult asteptat,frig,Chaucer,haine colorate,ras,statia perfecta:da,da,DA!
Lenea si oboseala nu mai inseamna absolut nimic atunci cand este vorba de intalnirea cu o prietena buna!Chiar imi era dor de seri ca aceasta,de glumele secrete,de noi toate!
Mi-e si frica sa ma gandesc la cantitatea de mancare ce ma asteapta in vacanta si la rezultatele "maratonului" in sine-oh,well...
Dupa cum se poate vedea,a fost o Apocalipsa foarte placuta anul acesta.Looking forward to the next one.Cheers! 

Bourbon thoughts

I don't need magic as long as I've got coffee,for my sleepy ghosts will always know the power which lies in that yellow mug.

I've never felt so alive,yet so empty-my body vibrates at every touch,while my mind soars towards a whole new different sky.My black drug really does conjure miracles...

It's funny how the brush of a hand can heal unknown wounds,how a smile can breed fleeting happiness,how a pair of eyes can illuminate the most crowded of rooms.

Feeling pretty,feeling smart,feeling needed-oh,how my bourbon thoughts have taken over me...

Crimson bow around my neck and candy-like earrings-is it Christmas yet or do I have to try harder?!

I guess I'm so tired that there's no point in trying to figure it all out: just give me food,music and some poetry,then leave me be.I'm rejoicing in an exhaustion-induced high presently.It's so bad,it's almost good...

Luggage is ready,room is clean,heart is racing-"it's always darkest before the dawn"...

Frozen blossoms

Dearest nightmares,no matter how hard you try,you'll never bring me down.You know why?I'm real,you're not-that's why.

Is it weird that I talk to myself when I shop,check out all the cute boys in the supermarket,wander around for about an hour,then end up buying only candy and milk?Yes,I believe it is.Meh...

I love procrastinating,yet I hate freaking out-do you see my problem?!

I'm starting to get the hang of reading on the subway and still enjoying it-soon,I'll become a prime example of urban/intelligent/sassy acrobat.Yey,me!

I don't particularly enjoy human interaction,but,if it ends up with me spending time in a scented and maze-like library,then ...I'm game!

To paint you a picture,I will literally walk through a blizzard sent by frozen-Lucifer himself in order to find an antique bookstore.That's what I call dedication,bi*ch! (you are not a bi*ch,I am sorry,I take back my words,my brain's covered in ice,send help)

This evening was the closest my life has ever gotten to a romantic comedy: a ton of gorgeous books,beautiful people,a granted wish (found mom the perfect novel for her Christmas gift),seasonal music and a good bargain.After all these blessings,even the snow started to grow on me!

Say what you will,but Panic! at the Disco understands me.And,on a golden (and cold) December evening,it goes marvelously with a bowl of cereal!

...this is when I usually start panicking about tomorrow,about next year,about forever,when my cheer-induced high wears off.But who cares anymore?I came home today with A BAG FULL OF BOOKS,do you comprehend my words?Considering I've started dancing in the store,you can probably deduce it's a big thing for me.

It's really frustrating to see people leaving in the middle of the week,more so when you just know you'll end up stuck here until Friday afternoon.Great...

I'd rather look at this fast growing wall of snow as a natural collection of frozen blossoms sent my a distant spring.I'd much rather do so,indeed...

A good night's sleep and a strong cup of coffee-that's all I need,all I desire for tomorrow.
Today has been truly good to me.Thank you.

A world of my own

If you could only see my mind at any given moment!This troubled sea,a colorful wonderland,my curse and blessing!I'm at its mercy,even though I'm the one in command!Oh,the beautiful irony...

I've said it once and I'll say it again:you can lift me up with a compliment,then knock me down by simply bringing up one of my flaws.Yes,I'm that type of a person.And I'll either shine like a star or flush till my ears start ringing,my eyes get all teary and my conscience crumbles like a burnt cookie.It's something I can't control and,in a way,it makes me who I am...
Because,as bad as the "bad" side gets,so does the good one prevail from time to time.My crown heals and my gaze dares to search for the sun once more.I feel powerful,wise,able to conquer the world-all of this owing to maybe the smallest of gestures.The perks of being more than one person at a time,right?
Today was good.I took on the role of a queen in my head and played it through.Nobody overthrew me,imaginary or not.In a world of my own,I felt infinite.

Remember,imagine,create

Remember to shake off your nightmares before you start the day.To always kiss the yellow coffee cup.To smile when oblivious strangers pass you by on the subway.To commemorate and celebrate those who have lost their lives for a cause,faith,freedom.To cherish a fine book.To forgive,understand,respect.To learn from everything.To call home everyday.To breathe.To dream.To believe.To say a prayer before you go to sleep.

Imagine the person you want to become and shape that person into reality's mold.Your ideal world.A kiss in the rain.A summer adventure with your best friends.The absence of sorrow.White blossoms,the loving sun,an emerald bench.A book with your name in golden letters on the shelf of a library.Infinity.Your soul mate.A beautiful Christmas day.Not having to wake up early.Gorgeous art.Everything.

Create each day of your existence,whether it is bright or dark.From nothing to something.Life.In order to survive,to live,to transcend time.With your body and your mind.Without destroying the past.As if it were your only purpose.Crying,laughing,immersing yourself in your creation.Without regrets.Forever.

Aim high

my pillow's skin bears teeth marks
and invisible lipstick between
shreds of last night's dreams-
feeble mechanism,how your bones
grow weaker with each new
snowfall and week!
the lie I've been telling myself
for so long is wearing thin,
despite strong coffee,blue nails,
even my fleshy peonies...
if only I could keep the ghosts away
for a few more days!
the sound's unbearable
-metal wheels on rusty limbs-
yet unmistakably delightful;
at some point of the torture,
your aggressor becomes your lover...
... and I laugh at my pain,
drowning it in a sea of words
I myself fail to believe;
be wicked,stand tall,aim high,
even if it means lying
to your insecurities
in broad daylight!
as good and evil are intertwined,
so is my soul's carousel ride-
high or low?
what will it be this time?
and...why?

The great "today"

You know what's great about today?It simply is.You can feel it,touch it,smell it,live it to the fullest,whether it is beautiful or not.You think you can change it,but,in reality,it changes you.Balancing both past and future,becoming everything and nothing,that's how the present works.Intimidating,unpredictable,sometimes amazing-fascinating,right?
I've never been much of a "now" person.Caught in yesterday,drawn to tomorrow,rarely cherishing the miracles and flaws sprawled in front of my eyes.It's hard,though.Acknowledging your realness,your frailty and constant weakness,the fact that you exist at this very same moment and that you will cease to exist at one point or another.
I saw "The perks of being a wallflower" today and,having read the book,I can only say that the impact it had on me was more than I could ever fathom into words.Man,"beautifully depressing" doesn't even begin to cover it!Just...wow!
It never ceases to amaze me how purifying and mobilizing art can be.How two hours spent in front of a screen can rearrange the atoms of my soul,of my eyes,of my reality.It never really does...
I need to start saying "I love you!" every day.Kiss the people I care about more often.Admit when I'm hurting and rejoice when the day demands it.Dance like no one's watching,not even myself.Sing till it hurts (even though I suck at it).Write all the time,with ink,with dirt,with blood (if necessary).Smile and live and cry and die.And everything has to be done "today"...every "today"!
I can barely see through my tears.My heart's sad and happy,illuminated,free.It's been quite a ride,though I haven't even moved and inch in a while.My body feels cleansed,as though drenched in the outcome of a cathartic rain.Alive!I'm alive!It's true and it's here...
I should never forget about "today".Never!As sappy as it may sound,it's a gift you don't receive twice.Ever...
I'm going to drink a ton of coffee and randomly hug my family members now.Because I feel empty and complete.And I need to hang on somehow to this emotion.
Today,today,the great today...

Wrong identity

Who am I?Who do I want to become?Do I want to be just one person or a thousand,a million,a billion more?Am I bound to the past,anchored in the present or in love with the future?Boy,oh,boy,am I in for one Hell of a soul-search...

I can't help but wonder what the outcome of my life will be.Long,short,it really doesn't matter.The most important question is whether it will have meaning and substance and a purpose.Or more.Or less...

Truth be told,I don't want to wake up when I'm 50 years old and admit I'm unhappy,then blame it on society,on my family,on myself.On the other hand,my heart hides a spectrum of desires which I know not how to tame.Which one do I grasp and fulfill first?How do I know what mistakes to make and which ones to leave hanging?When will this foggy veil become a blessed light?My,oh,my...
I don't think I can balance just one identity at a time.I just can't!There's this...thing inside of me,a core always on the verge of metamorphosis,blending,twisting,howling,scratching,screaming,transforming into all and nothing at the same time.And I adore my monster,indecisions and all!I really do...But it scares me to death.
Do you know who and what I am right now?An angel with blue wings.A sleepy college student.Boots crushing gray snow.A sly smile on the subway.A frightened little girl.A spirit following a quest for salvation.The person who says "Thank you!" in every shop,train station and on every street corner.An anxious,shy,sometimes overly complicated specimen.A head full of crimson curls,wrapped up in rainbow-like clothes and bright sensations.Eyes glued to a scarlet book.An unknown soldier who weeps on the inside at the sight of home.Greed,lust,happiness and sorrow in flesh and bone.A cat-lover,dream-dweller and imagination-seeker.A mechanism which feeds upon sound,image and feelings.A daughter,a sister,a friend.Something and someone I can rarely believe is true.
This!This is the reason why I find it hard to understand (and swallow) that I have to display only one facade at a time.I'm so much more than this world sees and I want to prove my words,be perfect in everything I do,but...I can't.I know that.I realize and acknowledge it.And it hurts.It hurts to know you will never become the person you have so painfully crafted inside your head to the finest detail.That you will have to settle for half or less of everything in order to make it all work.And so,greatness wallows into the gutter,content with only a morsel of mediocrity.Indecision-why,oh,why?
I want to be a writer.Scribble my thoughts on every page,every wall,every soul of this planet.Become one with ink,tattoo myself upon the white skin of trees,release my overflowing,silent and encaged twin.It's all I know how to be and all I want to be...A good person.A rightful citizen.A singer.A painter.A lover.A mother.I want to be a creator.To make,to craft,to bring to life.Everything at once,like a river woven out of black and white waters from around the world.I want to be...different.Amazing.Important....But there's a long way from "wanting" to "having" and/or "being".So...We'll see how this turns out to be.
I'm here.I'm real.I'm capable and willing.I'm going to make myself. 

Whole lotta words

...and here I stand,with ink-stained
fingers and starry eyes,
holding on to history and hoping
you'd come and say "Hi!"...
but no; the room's a feverish yellow
and these books smell like
there's too much knowledge in the world,
too much lust,
too much passion and fear and careless
hope...
if only my heart would fall
in love with a library
instead of flesh and bone!
if only that body built upon ivory pages
and devilish mechanisms
would recognize an unrequited display
of affection!
if only life weren't so damn
beautiful and complicated...
while I lose myself in a sea
of oblivious letters,you
carry on with your day:
oh,mischievous destiny!
oh,cold December emotions!
oh,gullible,ordinary,silly me!
burning blood,away!away!leave me be!
I'm bound to the written word
and that's all I need...