Familiar ground

I now know how it feels like to miss something without even realizing its absence.Minute things shrink and explode into the Universe's shadow,while life flows like a careless river hour by hour,day by day.How long has it been since I last slept until my bones were sore?Since my stomach purred with pleasure like a satisfied feline?Since I roamed the streets without haste,beside my kin,through baby blue haze?Too long,my dear,too long...

Though I left it behind a little while ago,my room still feels mine.And once stereotypical actions remind me of how much of myself I've actually left there: a painting,and old lipstick,dusty posters,those dirty lavender walls,a book under the bed and so many more wonders.This is my manufactured DNA,all broken and damaged and mine,mine,mine.So there's no surprise that reality felt today like a perfectly cut slice of the past,maybe with a bit more wisdom and a little less hope.Even so,my hands carved curls,my body welcomed clothes and I drowned my five lazy senses in red perfume-how lovely it is for all the pieces to fit!

I've missed this!I really have.My girls.My habit of cursing the cold.Gray streets and ginger hounds.Giving presents.Receiving kisses.Frozen hugs,tasty coffee and inside jokes.Friends with passionate red hair.Mesmerizing wine and bedazzling smoke.Our tables,our mouths,our evolved memories on repeat.And,after all this domestic craziness,the halo:serenity as a lazy reward.Who said you shouldn't do the same thing twice in life?What a fool!

If you'd have told me three months ago that this would be my life today,I wouldn't have believed one single word.I would have slapped you,too!It's not Hell bad,but not Paradise good-it just is.I can barely fathom its reality in the current time frame,let alone project it from the past.Not that this would be even possible.Just saying...

I've said it once and I'll say it again: I perceive myself as completely and utterly...incomplete.Yet some special and familiar moments,places,thoughts fill the void with their existence-the world makes sense again.For a few fleeting moments,I'm who I'm supposed to be and everything comes naturally.Only then...

I miss certain people and certain sounds and certain things.But,most of all,I miss a part of me I just know will never be retrieved.It's sad and beautiful and dangerously here.