Tainted final chapter

I just had to be a martyr,didn't I...

I wish I could just forget most of today,but it's too vivid and raw to be sent into oblivion.

I felt...I felt alone and humiliated,dragging what was probably my weight in things I never thought could be this heavy.I felt as if I was drifting in a sea of judgmental eyes and unhelpful hands.I felt weak and sad and unable to cope with a trembling body.It seems I had a price to pay,but,honestly,I can't remember what I bought in the first place.

I knew it was going to be this way,yet I was still hoping for some kind of cosmic mercy.Alas,it failed to come.So I let the heat and sweat enclose me,my eyes to swipe all the floors,my voice to break over the phone.

I don't blame anybody,but I do.Of course it would have been nice to just jump into a car and not worry about so damn much,but...One has to remember to count his blessings first and foremost.

I'll forget the blisters on my hand.I'll wipe the hot tears off my face.I'll unpack and scatter these fresh memories around the house.Time numbs all wounds,though it must first have to pass.

I long to sleep and heal.Find some piece of mind.Like that will be the day...

Unpleasant things aside,this day marks the end of my first year of college.All I can say is that it was...something.Both sweet and bitter,as are most things.I'm proud and uncertain,eager and regretful,content and confused.I won't talk about my grades or current knowledge because it's not something I can truly process right this instant.

The "not so funny" thing is that I don't feel older or wiser,not even in the least bit.Just more damaged,to be fair.And afraid.And lost...

Thank God,I'm home and the hardest part of the day is behind me!I don't know how I got through,but I did and I'm grateful for it.

Maybe the swelling in my hand will go away in a few days and some sleep will wash away all the emotional debris.

I'm not a martyr.I'm really not...