More bitter than sweet

I can never win,can I?Not one single fucking time...Any and every ounce of happiness I collect seems to instantly become a magnet for tainted loss.
Why?Why?Why?!Is it a curse?Is it blinded perception?Is it merely life as we know it?Fuck it,fuck it all...
I wish my heart were smaller and more bitter.Love begets heartache-always has and always will.And I never learn to care less because I simply can't.And I hate it,I loathe it with all my flesh and bones and everything!
I'm tired of tears and anxiety and feeling like others see me as a madman!Fucking Hell...Why isn't it an option for the ground to split open and swallow you for all eternity?I'm angry and I desperately want to break something,but I'm afraid somebody's already crumbling now...
I never want to care again.About anything.Or anybody.I want to be hollow and numb and incapable of emotion.I want to feel as if I'm not.If this is living,then stop the world-I want to get off this ride.
Crushing my temples in my palms isn't helping,neither is any sort of distraction.Silence is worse.I can't even cry.Fuck feeling.