Leap of distrust

I've never felt complete in my life.Not in the arms of my mother,not in the silence of a prayer,not in the embrace of a friend.Spaces sprout in the lining of my soul all the time and fill themselves with nothingness.I sometimes wonder how my body refrains from collapsing under the weight of my own mind.

I need a friend.But I don't want a friend.Still,I need one.Just like you need a jacket at the beginning of spring,even though all you want is to undress and let the blooming sun heal your skin.Still,you don't want to catch a cold.

I've never been good at making friends.As I child,I would isolate myself in my own being,or cling to people that would eventually accept me out of pity.Yet I never forgot that.The feeling that I'm merely a Cocker Spaniel looking for a treat.Obviously,I was seeking love.And attention.And approval from someone who did not share my blood.Someone who could be brutally honest.Someone who would not be compelled by nature and/or society to consider me important.Maybe I found that special individual at some point.I didn't recognize him,though.

You'd think that growing up solves all of your problems and makes you progressively wiser.Well,I wouldn't bet my money on that...When I was 10,I could walk barefoot and never bleed one drop.I'm now 19 years old and I never take off my boots.Still,the sores never get any better.

I have become excessively nice.Like "would-you-like-more-sugar-with-your-sugar,-sugar?" nice.And I don't need a psychologist to tell me I'm overcompensating.His words would be something along the lines of  " a deep and rooted perception of inferiority is leading the patient to believe that prolonged servile behavior is needed in order to receive the acceptance of society".My words would agree with his words,but in a less smarter way.Needless to say,I know why I'm doing what I'm doing.But that doesn't prevent me from doing it.Still,it hurts.

I don't believe in true friendship.That doesn't automatically imply that I deny its existence-it just isn't something for me.This type of connection requires trust,vulnerability,truthfulness,understanding and so much more.I'm rubbish with most of them.Still,I can lie myself out of situations in which they are mandatory.All in all,it's fair trade.

I've accepted my limitations long ago.But,once in a while,there comes this solitary and breathtaking proof that a higher human bond can be achieved.And it is being achieved right now,somewhere,by someone.And I can't help but feel barren.Deprived.Ashamed of my own narrowness.And the tears that stream down my face for someone else's pain become the mourning of a more personal loss:that of thought prevailing over sentiment.Still,it remains a lost battle.

I've never felt complete in my life.So I raise a glass of coffee to all of those who have found true friendship.May you love,be loved and love for me as well!