Wearing thin

I don't have great days.I have nice days.I have bearable days.Once in a while,I'll get a day in which I feel pretty much content.But,must of the time,I have half-days.They suffer from what I like to call the "calm before the storm" syndrome and often show signs of bipolarity.This means that,basically,I can never fully be happy because I know something awful is close behind,just waiting to unfold.At some point in time and space,my brain got the idea that you can't have good without evil,full stop.And by full stop I mean a barrel-size dot on a post-it note.Also, may I please point out that I'm clearly abusing the term "happy"-like,who do I think I am to simply stroll in and demand a serene and emotionally stable existence?But I simply don't want to keep waking up each morning with the feeling that I'm going to die.Or worse.

I can't concentrate anymore."I confess,I'm a mess"-accurate lyrics are accurate.I can't study because,the minute I decide to sit down and open a book,my brain just goes on vacation in the land of Things That Shall Never Happen In A Million Years' Time.I don't want to study because everything seems so impersonal,vapid,dull and imposed that I feel repulsion towards all things related to the school agenda.I won't study because I'm lazy and I'll end up raising and breeding goats.And I'm scared.And I don't want to grow up.And I want to crawl under a rock for the rest of eternity.

I feel guilty.I'm useless.I feel guilty. I'm wasting so much and producing so little,it's not even worth it anymore.I am guilty.And there's nothing that could convince me otherwise.