Dreadful

I wake up.I remember.I wish I didn't,bury my face in the pillow,pray to a God I've long ago decided wasn't real.I eat between flashbacks of memories that I hadn't witnessed,but imagined in a thousand gruesome ways.I snarl at every attempt of comfort like a wounded beast.I beg for mercy from myself,but I'm a cruel judge in my own right.I do what has to be done,though nothing seems worthy anymore.I play the same scenario in my head until it becomes a surreal film about another world.I choke on my coffee and crave for a lobotomy.I talk as little as possible because it hurts and I'm hurt and I'm tired of hurting everyone.I utter another dreadful "goodbye" and smother the thoughts that come afterwards.I curse this summer heat for the first time in my life,wholeheartedly.I wish nature would be on my side today,just today...I learn that I'm not a good actor after all,that I can't even begin to mimic "normalcy" when mostly needed.I come up with excuses,paint an ugly smile on my face and force my lungs to breathe.I use words to numb the images racing at the back of my eyes and to disguise my misery.I walk towards my fears like I've done a thousand times before.I greet and I'm greeted.I tell my story and close that door.I count the hours before I can be alone again.I write shallow words for people I'd rather not meet.I feel the silence taking over us and let it do so.I catch up on things I once enjoyed without a second thought.I question my sanity,then realize there's nothing more to question.I feel that orange churning inside my stomach.I promise myself sleep will make everything better.I conclude that I'm a bad liar.I give up on myself.