Skills and sentences

Am I my body or my brain?My given assets or my cultured skills?My fake charm or my raw bitterness?

Am I the child who believes or the woman who wants to forget?The smoldering fire or the foamy sea?The times I blindly obeyed or the ones when I painfully cut loose?

Am I the girl who stayed at home so many nights or the one who got infuriatingly stupid-drunk that one time?A learning mechanism or an actual "clever cookie"?A lost cause or a forming path?

Because I'm having trouble understanding myself and the way in which I think others perceive me.Yes,that was a coherent sentence,believe it or not!

I've sort of been following this mentality of "I'll hate myself first,before you get the chance to" and judging my own value based on how many (read "all") good grades I get and yes,I am such a fucking loser sometimes it's properly unreal.

I rarely believe or trust a compliment,especially when it's coming from a friend.I'm jealous of other people's success and I become ruthless when it comes to my own flaws,mistakes,limits.I oscillate between not caring and caring too damn much,to the point of mentally breaking.

I need to figure myself out somehow,be it with sentences or holes in a wall,but it's paramount that I finally find an answer.And soon...