Teal&fern

 

nu putem scapa de ce ne macina 

sufletele

ca-ntr-o rasnita stricata de cafea;

nu putem nega misterul ce ne urmareste

egoul

din roba de smarald si turcoaz a unui paun;

nu putem speria teama ce incolteste

in duh

prin prisma unei camere cu priviri congruente;

nu putem ignora flama ce cauta

flamanda

sa ne suprime pana si ultimul gand intelept;

nu putem sfarama stalpii inaltatori ce transforma

inconstient

un sine stors in fruct rascopt si suveran;

nu putem sa intoarcem timpul ce migaleste

incotinuu

la plasa cu ochiuri largi a destinului nostru;

nu putem sa ne raspandim sentimentele ce curg

mute

decat prin gesturi,ochi lucizi si brate nemarginite...

Halfway

santuri surpate in pometii obositi;

furnici rosii marsaluind prin oase;

gratelele supurande ale unui spate chircit-

sunt fraged de dureroase toate

si totul se desfasoara inutil.

oameni fragmentati in instincte suprimate;

carcase de plastilina pe alei;

dureri stravechi transpuse in celule contemporane-

suntem papusari paralizati cu totii

si totul pare un teatru umil.

astazi,il simt pe Bacovia in calcaie,

in falange,in dinti si in orbite;

mi-e teama,mi-e scarba,ma lepad

de Univers si de nimicie.

Cancer bite

my lonely morning hours

are being engulfed by a sea

of wicked dreams-

religion teaches me nothing;

in French,everything sounds

so weak...

an artificial cocoon blesses me

with its mahogany touch-

I surrender,I am adrift;

the Earth has most definitely swallowed

doubt's seed!

now,witches unravel not sins,

but loyalty-

that's why I sing my 

eerie lungs out into

the unseen!

forgive me,Father,

for I believe.

In the presence of misfortune

Relatia mea de lunga durata cu timpul devine din ce in ce mai disfunctionala.

...I'd just love to blast an empty gun against my skull!You know,for the thrill of it...

Poate moartea are acelasi ciclu temporal ca si viata.Pe partea cealalta,probabil ca ei se intreaba cum e sa ai puls.Totusi,eu cred ca,odata cu pulsul,se rupe si firul.

"the liqueur store will do"

Nisipul defineste plaja.Lucrurile marunte recompenseaza momentele de rascruce.

Don't you just loathe yourself sometimes?!

Misha,Misha,Misha...

"To God"

  

Today,God was a stranger.A friend.Somebody I could talk to without feeling secretly judged.The perfect white canvas for all my schizophrenic demons to paint on.

I just let it overwhelm me:the hate,the wrath,the scorching pain,the insanity,the void,the insecurity,every drop of poison I keep locked inside.That laugh...That frightening and demented laugh which surfaces when tears don't do the job properly...That's a one-way ticket to a nuthouse!

So,I simply wrote God a letter.No blaming,no praying for mercy,no nothing.I had a one-sided conversation not with my ego,but with everything and nothing at the same time.It was liberating,frustrating,cataclysmic.I died and I resurrected in only one night.

In an immaculate envelope-there it lies now.My soul delivered through dark blue letters of confusion and peace."To God"-it says."Epiphany"-it means.

I think...I think the hardest part is when you judge yourself more than others do.I do.

We're all hypocrites at heart

"...tot ce inveti la istorie s-a intamplat.Suntem niste oameni norocosi."

  "Maybe he was meant to be my savior.But nobody saved him..."

"it doesn't matter anymore:there is no question,there is no answer; it's just a metaphor for a war" 

"Nu pot...De fapt,nu vreau sa inteleg nemarginirea tuturor lucrurilor din mine si din afara.Este coplesitor,la fel de coplesitor ca o nicovala pe o omida.Sunt finita.Gandul mi-a spart barierele.Ma dor granitele de atata indoiala,de atata necunoscut..."

September woke me up

Primul rasarit sangeriu de la sfarsitul lui septembrie.Cafea rece,maini incrucisate,sosete groase.Peisaje vechi in vesminte noi.Muscaturi consistente de frig.Lumi paralele imaginare,laitmotiv fosnitor,tatuaje temporare ale disconfortului. Mere crocante.Vocea linistii.Struguri invinetiti.Pasi inveliti in frunze de smarald ars.Povesti despre viitor,povesti despre trecut.Degete negre de pamant.Certuri mai vechi decat lumea pentru lucruri efemere si oameni morti.Porumb mai galben decat aurul.Margele rosii presarate peste gradinita din colt.Nori versus maini agile.Prezent impachetat strans pentru mai tarziu.Oase obosite.Promisiunea unei cafele nocturne.Topirea unui sentiment in apa.Spirale,implinire,o zi cu punct la sfarsit.

I'm ok now!

Cel mai frumos cadou este cel facut,nu cumparat.Cel scris,nu tiparit.Cel simtit,nu fortat.Astazi,am primit cel mai de pret cadou din lume.Mi-a confirmat ca exist pentru ceva,ca am influentat pe cineva,ca voi avea o stanca pe care sa ma sprijin candva.Poate ca nu pare mult,dar nu asta conteaza.Infinitul isi trage seva dintr-un punct.Acum,sunt fericita.

"Persoana pe care o iubesc este sora mea.

Are ochi caprui si par saten cu suvite rosii.Ea este foarte desteapta si amuzanta.Mai are si un cercel in barbie si mai multi la urechi.

Chiar daca ne mai certam,noi tot frati ramanem.

                                                                                         George"

3-0

 

genul de aniversare care preceda

funeraliile

unui suflet abrupt

si genul de presentiment

care nu te lasa sa dormi.

sirene blestemate,sirene dezbracate

in spatele stancii manjite

cu spuza alba.

albastrul orbitor ce acopera

triumfator

ruinele unui imperiu redus

la tarana.

"...mami?"-rasuna

in acorduri fragede,acorduri dulci;

tragaciul implinit urmareste

strigatul

in 3...2...1...

TRING!

atat.

death glows more lively in the dark

Will you defeat them?

dancing like naked wolves,

we reached to conquer

the highest branch of our

eternity

and grabbed with lust

the very last poisoned

peach.

deserted ark of mine,

how do you sleep at night?

does not the daylight

from that humble continent

keep you awake?

I drown my heartache

in despair,

then force it to subside into

submission.

though Suns and Moons

generate each month

bleached children from

sawdust and vanilla,

this fad called "love" will always be the one

I never cared too much for.

Hard shell

I am free.I am finally free.

How about you?

 "Stay beautiful.Keep it ugly." 

                                                 G.W.

cu palmele-nclestate,sa-mi deschid

cochilia craniului,

din ea sa iasa neingradite

ciuma,spuza,mazga,

aghiazma,idolii,indoiala,

chitarile,sangeriul,

reticenta,masacrul,

intrebarile,

raspunsurile.

I am only a man...

"Ce pot sa stiu?"-totul si nimic.Pot sa am 1000 de raspunsuri pentru 1000 de intrebari si tot n-ar fi de ajuns.Sigur,Pamantul se invarte in jurul Soarelui,capitala Frantei este Parisul si inoxul nu rugineste,dar,intr-un final,toata informatia acumulata devine inutila.Un burete menit sa fie sters din lista de cumparaturi a universului.

"Ce trebuie sa fac?"-"Ce-ti dicteaza inima!" este raspunsul aparent sincer al majoritatii.In realitate,istoria si societatea au creat un model invizibil si insidios care se strecoara in subconstientul fiecaruia,fie ca vrem,fie ca nu:gradinita,scoala,facultate,slujba,casatorie,copii,o pensie linistita si un sfarsit impacat."Rebelii",cei determinati sa lupte impotriva acestei norme trecute sub tacere, sunt inevitabil aratati cu degetul,marginalizati,sau,si mai rau,priviti cu mila.Eu nu vreau sa fac ce-mi dicteaza inima.Eu vreau sa am determinarea de a-mi sustine deciziile,de a-mi trasa singura drumul,de a-mi fi cea mai buna prietena...mereu.

"Ce pot sa sper?".Orice.Plauzibil sau nu."Speranta moare ultima".Personal,imi doresc sa am (in continuare) un acoperis deasupra capului si puterea de a invinge toate obstacolele,de orice fel.

"Ce este omul?"-un suflet ratacitor,obligat sa se minta constant ca stie ce face,ca e impacat cu ce a facut si ca se va dedica intru totul proiectelor de maine.

Aici si acum,chiar nu stiu ce vreau sa fiu,cine vreau sa fiu sau de ce vreau sa fiu cineva/ceva.Sincer,sunt putin ( mai mult) pierduta intr-un ambient tapetat cu semne de intrebare.In mod curios,asta nu ma sperie,ci ma incurajeaza,ma motiveaza.Faptul ca "nu stiu" ma impinge si mai mult sa incep "sa aflu".

Cand iesi din cutie,posibilitatile sunt nelimitate.

One sun,one day

Sunday means the longest morning and the latest night of the week.

It also involves fresh brewed coffee,a charming playlist,inspiring pictures,uplifting daydreaming.

Oh,the perfume!Let's not forget the perfume!A subtle scent of sleepy sunsets,purring cats,lace gowns and a sprinkle of steaming raspberry tea.

A bit of fiction here,a page from a book there,it's all about seizing the day.

Forget tomorrow,it's not the end of the world!Even if it were,would you rather have spent your last day recreating Eden or fearing Hell?My point exactly...

So,trade that notebook for a laugh with your family.Tell someone what they mean to you.Show them,if you feel words are not the way to go this time.Enjoy life.Love what you are given.Believe that you can,confide that you should.Every man is blessed,whether he chooses to embrace that or not.

Sunday is the best day because it just is.

Among the living

 "Dude,some alien made you his bitch!"

"It's not food anymore,it's Darwinism!"

"Anthony,my heart's beating

through my spine!

Is it damnation

or a sign?"

"...no,man,kids are out of the question for me!I mean...How can I bring another being into this world?How can I take responsability for all the questions that still remain unanswered?How can I willingly bring a soul into the purest form of misery?!I can't...Don't give me that 'love,cuddles and unicorns' crap,'cause it ain't workin',alright?Yeah,maybe the mirage makes you forget this mad and pointless scenario that you're living,but you're still in the goddamn desert!

I may not be hell-bent on eradicating the entire human race,but I sure ain't adding another one to this  unsolvable equation we call 'life'!"

At the end of the world!

Maretia se naste din suferinta.Ai nevoie de niste dinti adanc infipti in orgoliu,mandrie si iubire ca sa iti pastrezi motivatia fierbinte.Durerea te impinge,te face sa iti doresti mai mult decat o facea cel care erai ieri,iti sopteste la infinit in ureche:"Du-te!Nu mai sta!Du-te!Nu mai sta...".

Dar...Ce faci daca nu simti sulita din coasta?Cum urnesti cel de-al doilea pas in fata cand lipseste micul impuls electric dintre celule?Cum procedezi in caz de "fericire"?Sau "latenta"?Sau,si mai grav,"nenorocita neutralitate emotionala"?

Cand razi,nu e bine.Cand plangi,nu e bine.Nu e nicicand bine si asta nu e bine deloc.

Cred ca putem sa ne reducem viata la principiul magnetismului.Polul pozitiv atrage polul negativ si invers.De aceea,"nicio fapta buna nu ramane nepedepsita",iar raul pare sa aduca numai placere,in conditiile in care este utilizat/dozat decent.You can't fuck with physics,man!

Sa-ti invoci singur mizeria (acompaniata fiind de o orchestra patetica si trandafiri uscati) e clar un semn de disperare existentiala.Sa poftesti orbeste la fericire devine o insulta la adresa zeilor,a karmei si a umanitatii trecute deja prin toate sitele Iadului.

...deci?Cum reusesti?Cum scapi?Cum te impaci cu mediocritatea emotionala?

Shotgun!

sugar,I'm only a microphone

for the rambling voices

in my head!

honey,you're so dead

that today

you just fell about six feet under

the food chain!

darling,it's not a headache,

but the drums that constantly

try

to scare off the sanity from

your emotions and your brain!

sweety,there's no such thing as hunger,

or craving,or lust-

the only thing you're feeling

is an uncanny urge to swallow

those cigarettes and that lighter

at once!

love,if you keep this up,

I'm sure

the Devil will clean the spare

room

especially for your soul!

in his cheap motel,those
of your kind

don't check

out

too soon...

I wear this on my sleeve

"loneliness forced me to be my own best friend"

"it's less of a who and more of a what..."

"stiti de ce nu au filmele

nuante de gri,

ci doar bugete colosale?

pai,dai un ban,

dar te asiguri ca macar in

spatele ecranului se face dreptate,

iubirea triumfa neconditionat,

iar realitatea se dizolva

in imaginarul permanent

finisat."

Fire at will!

*

un mozaic

rock and roll

din toate oasele care m-au durut

vreodata.

noble blood all over

the bathroom floor.

aer inabusitor,fete palide,

degete prinse intr-un labirint

nervos.

collapsing lungs,

will this door bless or curse?

ceasul paralizeaza,

avertizeaza,se retrage

in paralel;

verdictul...

*

afara,soarele topeste viitorul

fiecarei secunde

cu atingerea sa de torta muta.

the fear of yesterday is burning,

the end is now the beginning!

*

data viitoare,voi deschide gura,

voi inchide ochii,voi actiona!

I'm not taking anything for

granted-

second chances don't transcend

dust...

Recycled souls

"Put one foot in front of the other!"-
that's what they say
as a shiver inducing gun dangles
at the back of your ever spinning
head...
"Why me?Why this?Why...all?"-
you cringe,you weep,you fall
and pray for mercy to a god
that you never believed in
from the start...
"Be submissive.Play your part.Don't stray from your designated track."-
"...guidelines"(they say);
"...famished boas"(you think);
so blinded by the shady light,
those revolving moth eyes loose sight
of the law which shows how
"not all those who wander are lost"...
I leave the ground and gaze into
their soul,beyond the wall-
"Have you ever counted the stars?
Don't you think the race really ends with a hand
of dirt,
not a reward?
Did you ever stop to think that
maybe-
maybe!-
the light at the end of the tunnel
is actually the sunrise of
another start?"

Back to the future

 

22:11.Cafea fierbinte.Par prins in coc.Muzicuta albastra pe birou.My Chemical Romance pe fundal.Pace!

"Maine incepe scoala,s-a terminat vara,bleah-bleah-bleah...".Like,get over yourself!Sa zicem mersi ca e inca scoala(si nu job!):stam in fund 5-6 ore,ne holbam la un prof (prefacandu-ne ca intelegem ce vrea sa zica) si urmarim prin pauze tipul dragut/tipa faina de pe hol.Care e cel mai rau lucru care se poate intampla?Un 2?Public embarrassment?Plictiseala sau stres la cote maxime?Bring it on,bitches!

As you can see,sunt oleaca (mai mult) nervoasa."De ce,Adriana?Tu?Vai,probleme in tara Unicornilor Pufosi?".Mdeah...Sa va spun de ce.Ma asteapta un an teribil de greu.Bac?Ce-i ala?Se mananca?Nu,nu si inca un magnific nu!Va trebui sa suport un an intreg numai si numai si numai discutii despre Bac,despre pregatiri,temeri,planuri de viitor,facultate si tot tacamul.Bineinteles,o sa ma apuce si pe mine moliile in stomac,dar mai spre ultima suta de metri.Pana atunci,o sa tot dau ochii peste cap,o sa oftez,o sa ma musc de limba ca sa nu incep "filozofeala" mea despre cum viata trece naibii pe langa noi si asa cu 100 000 km/h,iar noi tot ne grabim sa o intrecem.Stiti care e premiul de la sfarsit?MOARTEA!Asa ca mai puneti,copii,frana!In ritmul asta,o sa va faceti testamentul inainte sa schimbati din nou buletinul...

Revenind la lucruri mai "lumesti"(sa zicem).Chiar incepe scoala.Singurul lucru care ma enerveaza e ca trebuie sa ma trezesc devreme;in rest,am invatat sa blochez lucrurile care nu-mi convin,deci n-am probleme pe planul asta.Fake it all the way,baby!

Se termina cafeaua.La fel si rabdarea.Idem pentru interes.Maine nici nu ma duc la scoala.Uite asa! Anar-hi-hi-hi-eee!Uh,I'm losing it...Big time!

Well,I'm going to look for a fuck to give.Ce sa mai zic...Bafta!Spor!Recolta generoasa toamna asta!

P.S.Ultimele 3 luni au fost...speciale.Am suferit,m-am detasat,m-am maturizat(in felul meu),am iubit lucurile marunte si am luat ce e mai bun din cele mari.Multumesc pentru lacrimi,multumesc pentru zambete!La mai multe!

Through it all

the heart I borrowed from the ground

has eyes and ears and boiling blood

that twitch and clench and gasp

at each utopian word

released by dark angels

into the air.

my hands become useless-

wooden claws of angered faith;

my lips turn out to be mere

puppets

on the string of a retarded

dream...

social sedatives only put a

serene mask on your horizon,

but when silence reconquers

the scene,all one can wish for

is just another chance to spin

that dreadful wheel

of time

and luck

and fear!

Did you get what you deserve?

...someone to steer this

ship filled with

gunpowder,

a fool to kneel in front 

of his own ghost,

the most damaged root,

the embodiment of sin

itself-

what a dashing candidate

the black mirror

reflects!

these fireworks are deafening...

oh,Mariah from Hell,

where is your pride,

your veil,your enchanting

smile?

sleepless nights,

bloody inner fights,

gore and love,curses and spiritual hugs.

1,2,3,stop!

 

I can't sing.I'm not slim.I like bands that talk about death,sex,being an outcast and survival.I love food.I'm afraid of the dark.I design clothes and craft jewelry.I can't paint.I'm not particularly fond of socks.I really want a tattoo.I have a common face.I'm right-handed.I don't like people (in general).I'm scared to care too much.I support gay rights.I can't swim.I want to be invisible for all of my life.I like green apples.I don't want to be your friend.I can braid hair.I believe horses are one of the most elegant animals.I often think in English.I have the suspicion that my posters watch me while I undress.I'm allergic to happiness.I can't knit(I've tried,the knitting needles just don't like me).I thrive on coffee.I'm always angry.I appreciate a beautiful orchid.I can't shake off that feeling that something is constantly wrong.I like to sleep.I'm very,very,very afraid of tomorrow.I like my turquoise nail polish.I think I'm somehow sick.I love to read books,to escape from reality.I draw swirly-things when I'm bored.I want it to stop. I have an imaginary friend called Jack.I will never fit in.I'm not ok.And I really don't want to talk about it...

My,my,my!

sa-mi cada carnea de pe oase,

sa-mi iasa gandurile printre buze,

randunele sa-mi care pielea

peste un lan de meduze.

sa-mi coasa groparul degetele,

sa-mi innoade pastorul picioarele,
porumbei sa-mi cante melodia
ce ghideaza-n noapte glontele.

sa-mi incalzeasca soarele tampla,
sa-mi cuprinda pacea mana,
pescarusi sa-mi crute soarta
cu rugaciuni si Ave Maria.

Desire

You're the one that I need,

I'm the one that you loathe!

let's dress like our favourite singers,

wear make-up in bed,

eat lettuce for breakfast

and dye our hair red!

then change our religion,

dress God in feathers and lace,

make everyday a bloody race,

not to mention the silicone in our chest!

baby,tears aren't pretty,

they'll make your mascara run!

c'mon,put on that fake smile for the crowd,

it's time for some plastic in this row!

keep in mind one thing:

fantasy sells,reality gets kicked

through the back door

of each and every show!

The hardest part

I live among strangers.The ones who love me know me the least.The ones who don't know me...Who cares, anyway?

In my head there are more questions than there are answers.I refuse to blindly believe!I won't put a fragile faith before some kind of comforting proof!That's why I'm so distant.That's why I'm so cold.I can't afford to get hurt again...and again...and again...

Sleep is the best medicine.It makes you forget everything.

Trust nobody,be somebody,outsmart everyone.

Death isn't the solution.Even so,it's always an option.Choose wisely...

I'm high on caffeine and anger

Shush!

Vreau sa vorbesc!
Dar n-am cu cine...
De cate ori incerc sa deschid gura,
Vorbele se-mpleticesc,
Cad,
Se-nvinetesc de la atata indoiala...
Mor in gura.
Innebunesc,se resemneaza,
Se spanzura cu singurul fir
De demnitate
Care-mi mai zace in fiinta.
Sunt seiful propriului meu
Bagaj emotional
Si (aparent) nimeni n-a reusit
Sa ghiceasca cifrul.
Chiar si-atunci cand vreun
Nefericit
Sparge incuietoarea,
Lasand avalansa trairilor
Vii sau paralizate in posibilitate
Sa evadeze,
Chiar si atunci ma simt
O tradatoare!
O tarfa emotionala
Ce nu merita respect.
De ce?
Pentru ca incalc pactul
Incheiat in lacrimi si sange:
Acela de a nu lasa pe nimeni
Dincolo de zidul ce mi-a luat
Ani de zile
Sa-l inalt
In mine...

Mad world

I love you! I hate you!
I don't know! I believe!

Get out! Come back!
Leave me to die! Bring me to life!

Lie to me! Tell me the truth!
Fuck you! Save me!

One day,it will all make sense.
I hope...

I am going to die alone.

I am going to die alone.Well,not alone-alone,but with my 100 cats and 1 000 000 dreams,fantasies&co.I find it too damn hard to confide in people and let them see me "naked",with all my raw emotions revealed as they are.Establishing a relationship with another human being,a bound based on mutual trust/love/acceptance is like free falling for me:no way,no how!

When you're alone in your very own "Chamber of Secrets"(so to speak),solitude itself seems rather easy to cope with and quite confortable(Hey,after 18 full years-and then some!-I think I've learned how to handle my inner demons and other flaws.In fact,they're not that hard to tame.In the end,we actually ended up being friends...).But in real life,with people,situations,even the occasional drama...That's another story!

It's just like being a wasp that somehow(only God knows how!) lost its way and woke up in a beehive.Awkward.Ugly.Paranoid.Haunted by the feeling that it does not belong there.At some point,it becomes unbearable.

So...what do you do?What in the world do you do when you're the lost wasp?Give up?Give in?Isolate yourself in the (almost) perfect world your mind meticulously crafts with each chance it gets?Embrace what you are given,even though you know in the back of your mind that you'll never fit in?

I am the goddamn wasp.I am going to die alone.I feel like an outcast.I am an outcast.I am going to waste my entire life thinking and believing with all my warm,beating heart that I am not good enough and I will never be good enough.Ever.

Guess I'd better start adopting some cats.After all,100 is quite a handful!

Oh,what the Hell...

11!

"no expectations.

no disappointments."

 "...jewels from the pit of Hell itself."

"And I find it kinda funny,

Find it kinda sad,

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had..."