sâmbătă, 30 noiembrie 2013

Can I live like this forever?

Why would I voluntarily leave this bed?Why would I ever?!
Dad's cooking wins all the awards in my eyes.
Though it appears Hell froze over and has now resurfaced, a small "business" trip becomes more than lovely with the right company.
I just have the silliest smile on my face sometimes...
Strangers giving you compliments are today's angels.
Buying stuff for others makes me happier than buying them for myself.
These cats and kittens of mine are just the funniest and fluffiest and most adorable beings on the face of the Earth.
How can a dog have such human eyes?
I'll never love another garden as much as I love mine,that of my childhood and bright memories.
Having dinner with my family in the kitchen (a proper one!) is probably the highlight of my week.
I am perfectly aware that I'm not doing anything college related right now and,honestly,I couldn't give a flying duck about it.
Milky coffee,playful furballs,cozy blanket,good TV shows,gorgeous music,personal and private room-have you ever heard of a more selfish Paradise?
Not to jinx it,but I think I'm actually happy right now.
If I can go another night without nightmares,then this is going to be one triumphant weekend...

vineri, 29 noiembrie 2013

Let's go home,train...

Somebody asked me why do I always go home for the weekend.The question made me want to both laugh and cry at the same time.
I don't know,maybe because I have mild panic attacks each time I arrive here?Maybe because it's hellishly hard to live confined in a particularly small space with a person that doesn't share your blood or personality?Or maybe because I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing among cockroaches and pointless responsibilities,when all I want to do is be home with my family?
I think her first impulse was to tell me "Get a life!",but my eyes don't lie and they want out.
So,I'll carry around with me more stuff than it's comfortable.I'll beg of my teachers to let me leave 10 minutes early.I'll run to/in/within/out of the subway because the clock and the ticket aren't quite merciful.I'll spend 2 hours on a train that's as full of burlesque surprises as a circus."Why",you say?.For me.
For my sanity and my aching body and my hungry emotions.So I can shed the mask and be raw for a while.To really breathe for a couple of days in a bloody week.
I can't let go because I don't want to let go.Why should I?I may not know a lot of things,but I do know this:life's too short to give up on the people you love.
So yes,my home is my sanctuary and I get to pray every few days.

joi, 28 noiembrie 2013

Colder winds

the colder winds have come to settle
and my limbs are numb like twigs
and hurt with purple

winter reminds me of blue and death
and how,by living,I'm only being drawn
nearer to the end

the lovers on my mind are ghosts
made up of haze and lust,
songs of a life built upon ashes

why are these streets so noisy?
why am I only bones and feelings?
why do I bleed...

if I cry,it's not a daughter of sadness,
but a healthy son of wrath
and perpetual organic consternation

I want to be a character in a book
with black covers and golden writing
and passions beyond hope

I'm shivering in my coat because
my flesh has forgotten how
human warmth can heal

my I.V. is constantly pumping
hopes and illusions I grow
at the back of my swollen brain

the colder winds have come to settle
and my being craves to surrender
in the hands of inertia

miercuri, 27 noiembrie 2013

Fuzzy insides

Cateodata,ma apuca o dragoste imensa de toti si de toate si simt ca mi se taie respiratia gradat.In momente de acest fel,maruntaiele imi iau foc,mintea imi devine un camp electric,iar viata are brusc sens.Sa fie oare o revelatie organica?
Nu stiu,dar stiu ca atunci simt ca pot sa iubesc si ca iubesc din toate celulele si ca pot fi iubita,da,chiar eu pot fi iubita.Nu-mi explic aceste explozii de existenta concentrata decat prin faptul ca mi se metamorfozeaza intreaga tristete periodic si devine o fotografie in negativ...pozitiva.
Devin un cer inchis in piele si artificiile din mine ma gadila,ma fac sa rad,sunt mai mult decat un om:sunt toti oamenii din lume si,pentru cateva minute trecatoare,Dumnezeu e la fel de real ca insasi creatia sa.
Stiu,suna nebunesc intregul concept,insa nebunia nu exclude neaparat realitatea...
Astazi,imi scriam impersonal existenta la inca un curs,cand m-a apucat "nebunia" si ochii au vazut mai frumos haosul din jur.
Nu inteleg,nu vreau sa inteleg,vreau sa cred in ceva,in orice,numai sa gasesc un stalp,un stalp in tot oceanul din jur...
Nu mi-am uitat pastilele de dimineata,nu,nu:cafeaua a fost dulce si fierbinte,(aproape) mereu e asa.A fost si asta o experienta.
Cateodata,misterele acestei lumi ma dau peste cap,ma infasoara in lumina si ma saruta lung.

marți, 26 noiembrie 2013

Skills and sentences

Am I my body or my brain?My given assets or my cultured skills?My fake charm or my raw bitterness?
Am I the child who believes or the woman who wants to forget?The smoldering fire or the foamy sea?The times I blindly obeyed or the ones when I painfully cut loose?
Am I the girl who stayed at home so many nights or the one who got infuriatingly stupid-drunk that one time?A learning mechanism or an actual "clever cookie"?A lost cause or a forming path?
Because I'm having trouble understanding myself and the way in which I think others perceive me.Yes,that was a coherent sentence,believe it or not!
I've sort of been following this mentality of "I'll hate myself first,before you get the chance to" and judging my own value based on how many (read "all") good grades I get and yes,I am such a fucking loser sometimes it's properly unreal.
I rarely believe or trust a compliment,especially when it's coming from a friend.I'm jealous of other people's success and I become ruthless when it comes to my own flaws,mistakes,limits.I oscillate between not caring and caring too damn much,to the point of mentally breaking.
I need to figure myself out somehow,be it with sentences or holes in a wall,but it's paramount that I finally find an answer.And soon...

luni, 25 noiembrie 2013

All this anger...

...shouldn't be mine.It sounds foreign and brutish,yet it's building up from my core and it's rising,rising,rising to a point which I don't want to see culminating.
This is supposed to be a happy day and I should be home right now,yet I'm spending my finite existence among strangers and doing things that are far from making me smile.
My heart swells bitterly and my palms clench into fists and it all just doesn't seem like living anymore.Have I become so powerless that I must resort to violence in order to make myself feel less...doomed?Damned?Desperate?
I'm too young to be wishing for oblivion.Craving happiness has turned into more of a curse than a blessing the moment I took my first step out of childhood.
I understand,we're constantly living among others and we have to adapt ourselves,but we're talking about our only shot here,people!Why must I mold myself to a pattern?Just because it renders me completely numb?I don't want the sort of inertia which makes bread go stale,though I'm not keen on starting a revolution either.I only want to be left alone in my crafted sanctuary,with balanced passions and a soothing routine.
Why do we insist on making the most simple of things into smothering burdens?
I'm angry and I don't have any answers and I want to eat cake.

duminică, 24 noiembrie 2013

Family celebrations

My spine could kiss this mattress.
A lovely meal with lovely people is sickeningly lovely,as you can imagine.
Kitty,it's not like I need those college courses,so chew away!
Do you remember acting like a spoiled child,without actually being rude?Ah,sweet memories from 5 minutes ago...
The cold is settling in,but I've got my blanket and my cats,so I'm good.
Grandma's joy upon seeing me safe and sound at home is my joy as well.
I can't remember the last time I watered some plants.
Not even kings have had such feasts,I can assure you of that.
Surprising mom with a handful of books for her birthday (a day early) has left me with the memory of her shocked face and scolding kisses("Why didn't you show them to me on Friday?I could have read one by now!").
Should I read or should I take a nap after all this cake?Like it's even a question...
I can feel the little ones having a race with their soft paws behind my back and I can't help but smile.
Milky coffee,a comfy bed, "The Lone Ranger",mom next to me-I would like to celebrate like this every single day,please!
Tomorrow will most definitely be a rough day,but the future always exhausts me and I'd rather live for now now.
False studying and complaining over the phone-just like old times!
This has been a good day.

sâmbătă, 23 noiembrie 2013

Long hours of nothingness

Sunt ore dulci si scurte in toata leneveala lor si nu te mai saturi de ele.Provoaca dependenta,la fel ca vata de zahar si saruturile.Si de ce le-ai parasi de bunavoie?
Sunt ore in care nectarul negru are mai multe mistere de dezvaluit,coconul trupului se incolaceste in sine,Universul se concentreaza intr-un singur minut scos din toate ceasurile lumii.Sunt ore languroase si senzuale,croite pe coapsa unei femei brune si pe apusul unei veri in care am cules amintirile ca pe poame.Sunt ore in care pisicile torc pufos in timp ce dorm pe calorifer,iar patul nu are niciun arc meschin sa-mi tulbure geografia oaselor.
Paradisul meu e rustic si lipsit de podoabe,suficient de ascuns incat sa nu fure ochii nimanui.In mod ironic,nu pacatele m-au facut sa cad in "Infern",ci dorinta de "mai bine".Poate aici s-a produs caderea:am tanjit dupa binele meu prin binele altora,o scapare psihologica de neiertat...
Sunt ore pe care nici nu-mi doresc sa le recastig cumva,secunde de miere lenta si minte impacata.Sunt ore in care orice cearta isi pierde fierea in virtutea a ceea ce ar putea fi in loc.Sunt ore pe care le iubesc din toata inima mea de "inca copil".
Sunt ore in care aparenta nimicului inseamna ceva mai mult decat "nimic".

vineri, 22 noiembrie 2013

An "old" young friend

Inca o dimineata,hai,mai trage putin...
Metroul miroase a aglomeratie-din nou.
M-am saturat sa-mi pierd ore din viata la ore care nu-mi plac deloc.
O sa ajung sa alerg dupa tren si in vis in curand!
Imbratisarea unei prietene bune este exact medicamentul de care ai nevoie la mijlocul unei zile epuizante.
Ne cunoastem si ne indragim de mai bine de 10 ani,iar asta se simte in povestile comune,in intimitatile impartasite,in modul similar in care ne inspaimanta viata in ultima vreme.
Gara albastra,tatic zambaret,succes garantat.
E tare bine acasa:sunt bombardata din toate directiile cu mancare buna,camera ma asteapta primitoare,pisoii mi se "gudura" pe la picioare,iar ai mei nu mai stiu cum sa ma rasfete.
Oare de ce e mai buna cafeaua de aici,oare de ce?Poate pentru ca e savurata cu drag,nu bauta din necesitate.
Asta a devenit o rutina confortabila de care nu vreau sa ma mai satur...
Imi explodeaza inima de un sentiment nedefinit si asa stiu ca pot sa respir linistita.
Pentru cateva zile,nu am decat responsabilitatea propriului abandon.
Bunica stie mereu cum sa ma faca sa rad.
Mi-e somn si n-as dormi,vreau sa mai trag putin de starea in care perfectiunea e simpla si viata devine frumoasa...
Bun si bine,bun si bine.

joi, 21 noiembrie 2013

The things I go through...

Honest to God,is this who I am now?A stooping,tired,scared little piece of flesh?Seriously?!I'd say it's preposterous,but then I'd be kidding myself.I never was one to willingly admit I can't do or don't know something...
But reality is harsh and I must come to terms with the fact that I'm living in a world which demands some sort of "superhuman",while all I'm able to offer is a little more than a child.
It's frustrating to have to comply:"I don't want to be here,learning this or doing that!I'd rather be on the Moon or in my dreams or reading a book I'll never be able to write,jut not this!".You'd be surprised how much this thought has insisted on playing in my head on repeat for some time now...
To be honest,all the worrying about nonsense is merely lost energy and I realize that,but some sort of old fixation keeps dragging me into a spiral I so wish to break.
There must be a way of living your life without (occasionally) wanting to die...How do I look for it from behind a barricade of books?How do I remember to live for now when I'm constantly being pulled between the past and the future?
Maybe going home will clear my head a little.Because,at this moment,I feel like the things I go through aren't worth a single dime...

miercuri, 20 noiembrie 2013

Silver or feathers?

Determining your self-worth is a process which more often leads to agony than an epiphany.In a world which thrives upon competition and rivalry,there's no room for the shy or the slow or the feeble.There's no room for me...
I keep trying to make myself understand that I shouldn't be thinking like this,but everything around me proves otherwise.Sometimes,we're more like hyenas than ourselves...
Should I weigh my importance in the world using beads of silver or baskets of feathers?They'd amount to the same quantity,I'm sure,yet the quality and external appreciation would most certainly differ:feathers are fleeting,silver sinks low...
I'm growing more and more tired of myself and the world around me,wishing I could just weave a cocoon around me and disappear for a few centuries.Or until the world stops shrinking.
On the one hand,I'd like to fight and assert myself and become somebody.On the other hand,my bones are hollower than a bird's,yet I still can't fly.Why does falling always win?Icarus should know better than me...
Lesson of the day:no matter how hard you try,you'll never be enough,and I don't know whether this scares or soothes me in some peculiar way.
One day,maybe I'll understand it all-but not today...

marți, 19 noiembrie 2013

Coffee-stained hands

Jumping out of bed in the morning would be useful if not taken so seriously and literally by my damned mattress.
Preparing two coffees in the morning is oddly satisfying on a Tuesday.
Who would have thought English could be such a tedious language around the wrong people...Oh,the bittersweet irony of it all!
Cold steps,endless books,justified gossip-college is not what they portray in the movies,kids!
I'm awake and I'm still somewhat sane-that's all that matters right now.
Spending time with my friends is positively lovely,but this stubborn cold wind insists on turning a short walk into a freezing trial!
You never understand how much you depend on your body until you're utterly famished and exhausted.
My brain won't stop reading imaginary books in my sleep and my head just doesn't want to let go of a damned headache.
One day,I'll grow weary of my books and bloody burn them-oh,wait...
Strawberry tea to make the bitterness of these pills fade away.
No matter how tired I am,silly cat videos never fail to make me laugh.
Can I go home now,please?
I remember my peace of mind like it was never.
I have pictures to remind me of what I love and music to help me feel properly.
Oh,night-again?!

luni, 18 noiembrie 2013

Freezing,reading

commitment is an anchor
made up of sugar
in the midst of a foamy ocean
that cannot put a rein
on its tide

my fingers grab within their nets
all the hidden meanings
of folded pages and spilled ink,
yet they cannot save themselves
from the thick tangle
of old covers

this room eerily resembles
the bottom of a dry ocean,
all blue in its cellulose misery
and snobbish furniture:
am I doomed to a life of perpetual
moldy truths?

my neck is a musical carcass
of every song that's ever been born
to haunt and churn and crawl
into cells,then make them
crave a more melodious
fall

this book is a castle,
my skin is a tapestry,
the sky is lost
behind the ceiling 

duminică, 17 noiembrie 2013

Rushed memories

I don't ever want to get up,I don't want to leave this bed,you can't make me.
If my body is happy,then I can try to be too.
I've given up on trying to accomplish anything around here when I understood that this is my time,not theirs.
A delicious cup of coffee to make time flow slowly and attract greedy kittens.
Why can't we all be happy like this everyday?
So much to do,so little motivation,oh so very dear music as background.
Lemon bathtub,dusty mirror,silver bed.
I don't think I'll ever run out of books to read and carry.
Sometimes,I feel so calm that I even scare myself.
No matter how rushed my memories might be,there are some that forever stand still: luminous meals in the kitchen,warm family smiles,the green hallway which allows my feet to wander throughout so many years gone by.
It's always hard to say "goodbye!",regardless of how many times I've done it before.
Sea foam ticket,blue train,violet skyline.
I can taste blood in my mouth-why do I taste blood in my mouth?
I'm utterly tired of seeing pretty boys that are as fleeting in my life and these weekends.
A long,dark trip into the night.
Luggage,why are you so heavy?
Room,roommate,too much room for college work.
Music is a drug not worth giving up.
I really want to change my faith,but I don't know where to begin.
My lack of willingness will certainly backfire soon.
Blink and it's already gone.

sâmbătă, 16 noiembrie 2013

Stop,time!Halt!

Just this once,stop.Please.Let my lungs take in the scenery and my bones crash for a while.
You know how much I like it here and how much I depend on these couple of days to get me through the week.Yes,it's already winter and you're terribly busy,but understand that I've been basically thrown into this existence and I'm still finding my way through it.
Give me...well,give me yourself.Give me your lazy mornings and coffee-stained cups and warm smelling sheets.Give me a cold walk around town and a caring father and my favorite coconut filled sweets.Give me lazily spent days and smooth pumpkin and silly kittens.Give me a sinking afternoon and a creamy cup of oblivion and grandma's funny jokes.Give me a clear conscience and white orchids and a brother who's so endearing when he thinks he's being a smartypants.Give me musical entertainment and peaceful rooms and a mother-daughter relationship like the one we painted tonight.Give me tender exhaustion and careless dreams and great expectations.Give yourself to me like I am forced to give myself to you.
It's not easy being mortal,if you care to know.There's always so much anxiety and pressure to be and do everything that one sometimes fails.
So be kind.Kiss me gently on the cheek and promise me you'll slow down.Especially when I'm happy and unafraid to feel it wholeheartedly.

vineri, 15 noiembrie 2013

Covered in red

De ce epuizarea se ia mereu de mana cu insomnia?De ce?
Cafea neagra,pulover rosu,vreme albastra-sa incepem.
Aglomeratia infernala de la metrou e compensata de oamenii frumosi care imi incanta ochii pana la suras.
Rau mai e sa fii prost si timid,ma jur!
Din pacate,combinatia dintre frica mea de lift si multimea scarilor din doua facultati lipite este necastigatoare astazi.
Soarele bate,bate,dar nu razbate deloc.
Sala urata,materie prost organizata,chipuri mai mult decat plictisite- ti-e mai mare dragul!
In ritmul asta,drumul pana la gara o sa devina mai ceva ca un maraton.
"Maimutici" infometate si dragalase,ne intalnim din nou!
"The Hunger Games" e joaca de copii pe langa inghesuiala din trenul spre Targoviste.
Carte,casti,loc la geam-sunt pregatita.
Daca mi-ar putea imbutelia cineva fericirea de vineri dupa-amiaza,atunci s-ar rezolva multe probleme pe pamant.
Mi-e drag de pisici si mi-e drag de casa si mi-e drag de masa,nu ma mai lasati sa plec,va rog!
Asta e seara in care imi permit tot ce-mi refuz intreaga saptamana:seriale,leneveala,ganduri pasnice.
Ma inteleg bine cu toata lumea si toata lumea se intelege bine cu toata lumea-ptiu,sa nu deochi!
Mi se scurge oboseala din oase,dar aici e dulce si merita.
Cred ca rosul e culoarea mea.

joi, 14 noiembrie 2013

Domestic tragedy

It's so hard not to be lazy in the morning here.
Coffee and studying-not my favorite combination,but it will have to do.
Honestly,I think I'm 90% made out of music.
This room is so small and angular that even the most mendable of domestic tragedies echoes in painful sighs.
My body is evil and my mind is trying too hard to be nice.
I can't afford to fall in love every single time I go on the subway-even if we're talking about a tall,dark and gorgeous stranger sent by the gods to make my knees go weak and my mind to silently weep.
If I were to sum up my entire academic joy,it would go under the label "English literature seminar".
Nodding and wearing glasses are just two of the things which trick teachers into believing you actually know what you're doing with your life.
"I would walk 500 miles/And I would walk 500 more/Just to get my little ticket/And walk out of this train station."
The mere thought of lemon-anything makes my mouth cringe,yet that doesn't seem to stop me from eating it in unhealthy quantities.
Fighting the urge to sleep in order to finish another book is a skill worth putting in my CV now.
You could cut the tension in the room with a knife and that's just the saddest thing ever.
I'm packing my bags and,for once,hoping that time would go faster.
Springy bed and wishful prayers-another day gone by...

miercuri, 13 noiembrie 2013

A spiral within

"falling is just like flying..."

the sheets are pushing me out of bed
and into the arms of a dead book
that comes alive beneath my glassy eyes
and into hands which smell of coffee perfume

no matter how much I conquer,
earth still sprouts from within and leaps
to lengths I cannot encompass without the price
of weary blood and sacrifice

these days are raw like apple seeds
being crunched between the teeth
of endless steel days and twisted nights
that bear children of disfigured fright

the moments when I feel like caving in
are those when clocks are stapled onto my eyelids
and my limbs become useless stems
that cannot blossom into eternity

a spiral within my skull digs into dust
and torments rust because nobody told me
that I should love myself too,
that I should always yell the smothering truth

I can feel trees growing green within
my skeleton and crowded voices
pushing through the abyss of the night-
I'm alive,I can breathe,I see

"...except there's a more permanent destination"

marți, 12 noiembrie 2013

Back of the skull

oamenii sunt ca trandafirii pentru ca
doar o comparatie banala mai poate salva
durerea ce inunda fiecare colt din craniul
pe care il port ca un spin rosu pe umeri

pitici cu ciocanele se cocoata zi de zi
pe vertebre,cautand bobocul moale
unde sa foreze dupa amintiri funebre
si ticaituri de ceas ramas fara baterie

mina asta n-are aur,doar invizibila
fiere care ar putea sa hraneasca
pe o perioada nelimitata un batalion
de pacate nedeslusite si neinfaptuite

mormaie timpul si scartaie oasele
pe fundalul unei voci smaltuite,
dovada vie si sufocanta a faptului ca
inteligenta este pe aici facultativa

ma doare,ma doare,ma doare
ca o rana lipita cu sare de mare,
ca o buba care nu se mai sparge,
ca amintirea vietii ce va sa vie

mi se pravaleste cerul peste umeri
si incearca sa ma inunde prin urechi,
impingand Paradisul cu forta
intr-o cutie alba care tot spune "nu"

lasa-ma,m-am saturat de trandafiri
si de pitici si de ore fara sens pur

luni, 11 noiembrie 2013

Hidden lace

Everything I hold dear I feel must be kept hidden.
Whether we're talking about a pair of old earrings or a precious memory,it seems like the shadows act like a protective cocoon.I even keep my femininity to myself,for fear of it not being tainted by the world outside.I'll keep my lace close to the skin and my desires sealed with a coy smile,that's the only way I know how to be.
What will become of me?What if nobody will ever take the time to search for me beneath so many layers of nothingness?Will I be enough for myself?Most certainly not.But it doesn't matter.I know it doesn't matter,I'm just being silly.I'm acting like this was all a movie,not real life...
When I was little,I hid a pack of gummy bears in the closet because I didn't want to eat them.This diary,though made public by choice,is often shadowed by books or papers of all sorts,as not to reveal itself to particular eyes.My thoughts,my lusts,my handful of aspirations,everything I am at core and everything I value about myself,everything must be kept hidden.I can't risk making a parade out of something that has a lock and key inside this heart of mine.
Am I losing some part of the world by acting this way?Most definitely.Do I care?Not so much,no.
For now,I'll just stick to my lace and everlasting inner monologue and the smothered hope that,some day,the shell will crumble...for good.

duminică, 10 noiembrie 2013

Mean daughter

I sometimes don't get along with my mother that well.What a shocker,right?I don't want it to be this way,but my nerves just crack under the weight of so many petty things that I can take it no more.
She cares about me,I'm certain of that,but she doesn't always know how to show it.Neither do I,for that matter.But,when I can't say something nice,I don't say anything at all.Which isn't her constant way of acting...
I can be very mean if I want to.Downright bitchy,to be fair.And it seems I have to act like this from time to time so that people understand I'm a person,not a doormat.
Why am I always the one that's exaggerating?Why can't she be on my side for once?Why do we always argue about money?Why is she allowed to scream and I'm not?Why do we get along better on the fucking phone than face to face?I swear to God...
There are days when I just want to sleep and forget everything.Thinking makes it worse,that's the general rule.
I've become mean and I plan on staying so until she understands.Until you understand.I can't keep on forgiving everybody but myself,I simply cannot.
I didn't say "goodbye".I didn't talk.I didn't say "thank you".It's more toxic than poison and it actually hurts,but it must be done.
It's better than a message in blood.

sâmbătă, 9 noiembrie 2013

Take a break

My spine is grateful for a bed that doesn't crack and moan each time I twist and turn.
Waking up to a nice breakfast and milky coffee is definitely worth the ride.
That brief moment of panic when you think about your daily chores,only to realize in relief that you have none.
A warm blanket,two fluffy kittens,three souls that right now haven't got a care in the world.
I watch scary TV shows in the middle of the day because I'm badass like that.
Being here makes me put things into perspective and conclude that I'm bound together solely by memories and raw dirt.
This might be the only meal of the week I actually enjoy.
I'm reading and I'm learning and I want this moment to forever freeze in time.
You can sometimes be so mean,but guess what?So can I.It hurts like Hell,but so can I.
Music has become both my steady rock and my ocean to drown in when needed.
I never understood the pleasure of wandering from room to room until recently.
Routine can be such a blessed thing!
To loathe or to love apples?
Seeing people have a genuine purpose in life gives me a small spark of hope.
Laughing with dad is the best medicine in the world.
When I can't fight anymore,I smile and walk away.
One more episode,I promise!
I feel drowsy and a pleasant ache is seeping into my bones.
Let's call it a day...

vineri, 8 noiembrie 2013

One small spark

"What a good day!"-that's what I've been tempted to say all afternoon,but even then I knew how the mere thought of this could make it backfire immensely.And it did.Oh,how it did...
My bucketful of happiness,scraped and scratched from here and there,is inevitably gathered in retrospective,otherwise it becomes jinxed.That's sad,I think,to be happy only using the past tense...
I played my part,I "earned my stripes",I begged my bursting temples to hold on for just one more day.I got on a train,I welcomed my home,I settled in for a night of unconstrained comfort.I found old demons,I got into a war,I bled my love and lost it.
It's heartbreaking to realize that the people you care about the most don't care about you equally.Or,at least,they don't know how to show it.Or are so swallowed up by the cruel world around them that they're too afraid to unshackle their souls.It's a real pang in the chest,closer to death than to grief.And,no matter how much I cry,the bitterness won't stop chewing on my organs and soul.
Life's absurd.My life is absurd.I'm merely counting time until the end,clinging to ghosts I've crafted instead of flawed people,wishing it would stop so I wouldn't have to.
Yes,it's been a good day in more ways than one.But all it took was one small spark to make it all burn,turn ablaze,smother everything.
I'm choking on ashes.

joi, 7 noiembrie 2013

I'm laughing

I'm laughing at my alarm clock,at my scattered pictures,at my weeping spine.
I'm laughing because,through some misguided order of the Universe,I'm still waking up.
I'm laughing into my coffee,a bitter and numb pretext for yet another day.
I'm laughing for strangers who will never tell me I'm pretty or introduce me to their mothers or make me believe I'm something more than dust.
I'm laughing while gathering gifts in exchange for affection,like a puppy begging to be loved by somebody.
I'm laughing at my own endless and shameless stupidity.
I'm laughing for the illusions I've created in order to keep myself mildly sane.
I'm laughing at fleeting moments amidst friends,moments which momentarily heal and erase the pointlessness of everything.
I'm laughing because we all have such dirty minds and minty mouths.
I'm laughing in the hallway,into the phone,gazing at a bluish hand.
I'm laughing while walking into the train station,God knows why.
I'm laughing while eating and mending my half-broken day.
I'm laughing because I'll never know what real love feels like.
I'm laughing while packing this and that.
I'm laughing at my crippling shyness.
I'm laughing because I don't know what else to do.

miercuri, 6 noiembrie 2013

Bursting temples

sometimes,I feel like I need to hold
my head together with my hands,
so that it doesn't painfully blossom
into a crimson lotus flower

my life is a sacrifice I lay at the feet
of those who bear the blood of my destiny,
yet the gods aren't pleased with this
vapid mockery and punish me

and punished I am,in silent glory:
blood bursts,skin knowingly contorts,
temples drum the march of insanity-
my being rebels against me

am I to die?today or tomorrow or
at the end of a road I never chose
and,given the choice,never would follow?
selfish fear,seeping into my every bone and crevice...

it's embarrassing,this flushing wave
of backing steps in front of a desired
outcome of truly closed eyelids-
my head,my skull,my flaming brain!

a systematic lie that builds
an empire out of a divine cell,
only to let it rust and rot when faced
with the inevitable outcome of the end

sometimes,I feel like I need to hold
my body together with a pagan prayer,
so that it doesn't permanently end
with a red-stained feather

marți, 5 noiembrie 2013

Nighttime gore

it won't stop,it just won't stop,
all the oozing fear,all the darkness
fracturing my mental skeleton,
all the gore that fuels my nightmares

my sleep is plagued
by flaunting pustules and seeping wounds
that display an array
of blood-red meat and daylight cringing

I see myself as if in a mirror,
doused in fluorescent lighting that's dripping
over stripped bare skin,
as real as this moment we're sharing

a moment's flash,then I decompose
into a burlesque picture of all
the vile fluids you could conjure
while drunk on poison ivy juice

morning unfolds,sheets are covered,
vision ignites above closed eyes-
if reality reveals this to be a phantasm,
then why are my hands shaking like shackles?

a decaying aftertaste follows
my footsteps and spoils my hours
and degrades my mental sandcastle
through vapid words that make no sense

sleep,once my sole escape,
has now become a dying cage

luni, 4 noiembrie 2013

Human piñata

Everybody wants something from everybody.That's why we're never content,never comfortable in a moment in time.
Today was a most ordinary day in a most ordinary existence.Yet I felt like I was being constantly pushed from one responsibility to another,never finishing what I've started and never quite drawing a new beginning.
It's always hectic when I have to go from here to there,but I sometimes feel people are taking advantage of my "kindness" more than I could ever sustain.Add to that a cluster of thorny questions about everything and a mind that's adrift most of the time and you'll get the human piñata I'm embodying right now.
I think there's been a mistake at some universal level: I never asked for any of this.You should have left me be a speck of dust...
My happiness depends on so little,yet it can be taken away with a single strike."Myself" means nothing,but others seem to value it,so I must too.I wish to find answers,but I'm afraid to run after them.I open my eyes to the future and see a full week,void tasks and pages that will someday leave me blind.
Maybe I'd gather the courage to change my faith if I knew what to change it for.Maybe Monday night isn't the best time for philosophical questions...
It hurts before it has happened.

duminică, 3 noiembrie 2013

Of all sorts

Silent night.Twisted sheets.Lavish breakfast.Violent body.Bedside coffee.Blanket reading.Squirmy kittens.Cold socks.Old stories.Dirty glasses.Noisy surroundings.Confusing letters.Racing heart.Favorite song.Plummeting interest.Pretty people.Pointless deadlines.Cringe-worthy perspectives.Comforting space.Forgotten phone call. Blue flowers.Shy sunshine.Fruitless trip.Stupid TV shows.Nice meal.Chocolate delight.Good family vibes.Silly "homework".Soothing melodies.Autumn questions.Brotherly nudging.Right spot.Lots of pages."Screw it!".Fort building.Cozy cocoon."The Nightmare Before Christmas".Impromptu karaoke.Childish joy.Scary memories.Warm furballs.Distant worries.Late pampering.Cooling surrender.Jelly toes.Foreign ambitions.Illogical translation.Paper chewing cats.Corner of the bed.Salty teeth.Bleeding finger.Fleeting movie.Green orchid.Baby voice.Scattered papers.Friendly alarm clock.Book plans.Musical obsession.Late dreams.Expecting luggage.Forgotten black poison.A drop of panic.Warm palms.Grandma's words.Japanese fan on the wall.Tired little ones.Tingling self.Crumpled sheets.Pinkish pillow.Smiling prayers.Good night.

sâmbătă, 2 noiembrie 2013

Today,it doesn't matter

Today,it doesn't matter how many pages I read or what I learn to be above the cut or even how much I please others.Today,I'm selfish and focused on healing my unseen wounds.Today,I'm dedicated to drinking coffee and watching TV and generally not giving a single fudge.
I won't allow myself to feel guilty or have second thoughts about it all.No,I'm fed up with this life,I do need an occasional break from myself,full stop and start again.What for,anyway?
No,rest assured,we're not opening that vault again,not a chance.And it's nice,you know.Taking each moment as it comes,not clinging to it,not mourning its loss before its practical birth.
I got to actually taste my food and actually see what's in front of me on the screen and actually talk to the people around me.Why breed sorrow when I know that,at heart,I'm silly and sometimes hopeful?
The environment helps,too.Maybe it's too ingrained in my being to ever leave behind.Fingers crossed...
Anyway,it worked out beautifully,though selfishness tends to make me a bit bitchy.Yeah,sorry about that...I'm only human.I can both curse and bless.
Today,I was blessed.Today,I smiled.Today,I am.I'm willing to lose today in order to gain it.

vineri, 1 noiembrie 2013

Busy roads and heavy hands

Arcuri galagioase,un fluture de noapte foarte ratacit,griji cel putin nejustificate-"buna dimineata!".
Cea mai buna dieta de slabit se numeste "facultate" and 10/10 would not recommend.
Mi-e frica de responsabilitati ca de cel de-al Treilea Razboi Mondial.
De ce se incapataneaza lumea sa ma convinga de faptul ca eu contez,desi stiu adevarul a fi exact pe dos?
Poezia poate fi dulce ca o cafea buna si dureroasa ca o rana veche.
Nu-mi place metroul,dar ii sunt recunoscatoare pentru toate drumurile care (eventual) ma aduc acasa.
Daca vreau si stiu ca merita,pot sa fiu foarte eficienta.
Cu un bagaj plin de carti,gara nu mai pare atat de neprimitoare.
Drum greu,"maimutici" galagioase si dragalase,melodii de suflet plin cu dor.
Masina bleumarin din gara este farul meu din timpul furtunii.
"Papoy"(pisoi) care cresc intr-o saptamana cat altii in zece,n-am vazut asa ceva!
Mancare buna,cafea buna,companie buna-ce sa mai vrei,domnule,ce sa mai vrei?!
Vineri seara este momentul meu preferat al saptamanii pentru ca atunci imi recuperez toate serialele si nu-mi mai sunt cel mai inversunat judecator.
Moleseala se amesteca cu epuizarea si patul imi pare un cuib de pasari exotice.
Multumirile pentru ziua de azi sunt cat se poate de sincere.