duminică, 30 septembrie 2012

Big baby steps

...this may seem like a panic attack,but it's actually not.At least,I hope it isn't.Maybe I just need to adapt a little more before I actually start freaking out.Just like a wild animal brought to the zoo,right?Bad analogy,though...accurate.Currently,I'm having second thoughts and trouble breathing and I'm feeling very homesick.Yes,I know!It's too damn soon for this,but...Alas!Can't command my heart anymore than I can the weather.I already miss so many things that it isn't even funny.Regardless,it could have been way worse-way worse!Comforting thoughts,right?Oh,poor me,poor old me...It's all so very weird and out of place and unfamiliar and damaging and draining and I need to get some sleep.A little forced numbness will (probably) cure my crazy nerves.After all,big day tomorrow!First day of university!Big baby steps,love,big baby steps...

sâmbătă, 29 septembrie 2012

Emotional luggage

Somn agitat.Cafea bauta printre carti imprastiate si nimicuri importante.Ultimele cumparaturi.Agitatie si pisoi dornici de joaca.Pantofi peste pantofi.Geamantan violet.Panica,panica,panica!Pauza de recuperare emotionala.Dulciuri si dorinte ascunse.O suta de mii de bijuterii.Ultimele amintiri in devenire.Speranta de a ramane,neputinta de a sta.Senzatia de viitor strain.Vorbe negandite si taceri amare.Bluze peste pantaloni peste timp irecuperabil.Entuziasm amestecat intr-o mare de nesiguranta.Soare de toamna.Ganduri fara punct comun.Spatiu in scadere.Aprecieri intarziate.Glume si umbrele.Usi retrase la perete si pasi neobositi.Momente de blanc spiritual si fizic.Trucuri tehnologice.Sperante minimizate si fluctuante.Rosu permanent.Goliciune stranie.Neliniste nocturna.A sta sau a pleca.Nu mai e cale de intoarcere...Paturi inghesuite.Cani zornaitoare.Asternuturi mototolite pentru ultima oara...

vineri, 28 septembrie 2012

False expectations

It's as if your stomach had started a war in a train leaving too early for human functioning.Like you're praying to the steamy windows to catch a break.You feel so poisoned,so wrong,so out of hope and out of luck...Still,you take a deep breath and push through.Who has ever gained pleasure without any pain?Though I wouldn't mind for this spreading ache to be a tad more merciful...
And you wait.You melt.You gasp and somehow succeed in taking a step towards the future.Will it be kind?Will it be blind to your expectations?One cannot know for sure.After all the trouble and effort and drained energy,the only certain thing is that it must go on.Time,life,everything.It must follow an unknown path,with or without permission.
So,when you're lying in bed,tired,consumed by mixed feelings and false expectations,you think:what's next?

joi, 27 septembrie 2012

Fading star

I am not a hero.I'd like to think that I am,but...I'm not.In my head,I've saved the world a thousand times,helped humanity and gained personal growth.The truth is...I've accomplished nothing.I've done nothing out of the ordinary.I'm nothing.
There are people out there so much better,kinder and smarter than I am.Special people,not ordinary ones,those who actually deserve greatness and glory.People who have their name carved in history and in hearts.A hundred years from now,I will have been forgotten.Just ashes and dust,sand in the wind...
I'm scared.Terrified,to be honest.And unprepared for life.And insecure.And fuckin' ready to splatter my brains all over a wall.And so tired.So confused.So overwhelmed.And,apparently,pathetic.
Well,this stands proof that I'm not a hero.It's all in my head.My stupid,crying,freaked out brain.

miercuri, 26 septembrie 2012

Sweet sorrow

I am truly going to miss this.This ordinary,beautiful,amazing and crazy life that sometimes sends me to the brink.Even so,have you ever seen something so dull,yet so extraordinary at the same time?The same old thing,wrapped in sunny autumn mornings,coffee-stained books,purring cats dancing between my legs and endless mundane possibilities.I could live like this forever,cocooned in a serene existence that doesn't involve fear,danger,unmendable changes and too many goodbyes.Can I stay in this time loop,please?Can I?Don't answer that...I know the truth and I don't know what to think of it.All I can do is imagine the future as a ripping cloth:the sound,the feeling,the bitter aftertaste.How can I leave my imperfect Heaven for a promising Hell?Do I have the strength?More so,do I have the will power?I am truly,truly going to miss this...

marți, 25 septembrie 2012

"I'm falling to pieces..."

these eyes of mine,how they trace
every movement and shadow and longing embrace.
this neck of mine,how it bends
to rebuild a tired world brick by brick.
these legs of mine,how they ache and yearn
to rest and run and live forevermore.
this waist of mine,how it weeps
inside the clutch of society's desires.
these hands of mine,how they crumble
under the weight of so many humble chores.
this forehead of mine,how it frowns
whenever life seems to real to even fathom.
these lips of mine,how they long
to speak and yell and kiss a substance as their own.
this chest of mine,how it leaps
every time a line becomes a spiral in my dreams.
these ears of mine,how they wait
for the screaming to stop and the music to begin.
this body of mine,how slowly does it march
towards nothingness...

luni, 24 septembrie 2012

Spectral identity

I am who I make of myself.I am the decisions which I take.The books that I read.The music I listen to.The people whom I meet.I am the words which I write with passion echoing in every fiber of my being.I am the movies that I watch.The paintings which I admire.The artists whom I look up to.I am the energy which craves to be released.I am a fiery desire and a burning rage.I am the Devil who I forsake.I am the monster which I see in the mirror.The never-ending nightmare which I dream every night.The numbing comfort of the repetitive existence that I participate in.I am the confusion which too often haunts me.I am an unanswered question mark.I am a lamb in a lion's skin.I am changeable.Dull.Explosive.Infinite.I am everything and nothing.Here and nowhere.Forever and never.I am a world inside a body.I simply am.

duminică, 23 septembrie 2012

Apples,grapes and troubled souls

I fear the future and hold on to the past as does
a ripe,but stubborn apple in the morning sun...
so many riches,yet so little courage-
how does one leave behind a face and craft himself another?
I dread change,I don't care for it anymore-
but can a grape really stay when its substance screams
to become vigorous wine?
I don't know...if it does,it'll wither and crows
will feast on it for days and days to come...
what if I just gave up,back against a tree
and eyes glowing with a madman's dream?
it cannot be,it cannot be...
so much labor of love-for what?for nothing?
no.I have to trade this familiar road
for a wild path,put one step in front of the other
and don't look back in regret-
who'd unwind autumn's treasures for summer's blistering
I fear myself above anyone else...

sâmbătă, 22 septembrie 2012

Autumn sun

Daca a inceput sa mi se strice somnul de pe acum,atunci...Dumnezeu cu mila!
Mi-e frica de arta care-mi face inima sa bata prea tare.
Tare mi-era dor sa ma uit impreuna cu frate-miu la desene-ce,credeati ca m-am maturizat asa,cu una,cu doua?Slabe sanse,foarte slabe...
Pe scurt,o sa mor de foame la facultate,dat fiind ca entuziasmul meu culinar&solitar este egal cu zero.
Imi place la nebunie toamna,insa detest frigul aferent-vedeti problema mea existentiala?
Imi retraiesc o copilarie pierduta cu fiecare pagina intoarsa,fiecare aventura devorata pe nerasuflate si fiecare lectie scrisa in litere negre.Multumesc.
O sa-mi fie atat de dor de pisoii mei nebunatici,mi-e si frica sa ma gandesc la despartire...
Stie cineva cum se pot imbutelia momentele perfecte?Vreau si eu neaparat reteta...
Tehnologie,cand o sa incetez sa ma minunez de tine?!
Dupa parerea mea,noaptea este iar mult prea intunecata...

vineri, 21 septembrie 2012

Mental nest

I will never be cool.Not now,not ever.It all became clear to me after I visited my old high school earlier today-you know,to sell some books,say "Hello!" to some teachers,stuff like that.And I felt as I always did in that building:out of place,small,unimportant and,most of all,sad.Really,really,really sad.Like I had lost something I never actually had.Yes,I was pleased to see so many familiar and dear faces.I even enjoyed that feeling of accomplishment and slight superiority.But...I'm still awkward.I'm still insecure.I'm still extremely self-aware.I'm still shy and I still have an enormous list of people-problems.To be honest,I highly doubt these things will ever change.They're engraved in my genes as are my brown eyes.To some degree,I'm proud of my weirdness.I may be wired wonky,but I can still make the best of it!If only it would stop being so damn cold and rainy!

I don't want to fall in love.Well,I do,just not now.Romance screws me up in all the wrong ways,like I'm a totally different person.I sleep funny,I eat in crazy patterns and I start thinking like a lunatic.Obviously,my frighteningly close college life is in no need of such silly behavior.But,taking into consideration my brain and luck,things will most definitely go according to plan...NOT.Alas!Que sera,sera...

Happy birthday,my dearest fairy!May the secretive moon always be your confidant and cherry trees blooming friends!I can't believe you're growing up,you,my sweet and real angel!A letter is on its way with all my wishes and hopes in ink,yet I still want to mark this wonderful day in as many words as possible.So,darling,close your eyes!Think of August.Bicycles.Tender music.Old towers.Blue volcanoes.Silly laughs.Infinity.Lovely memories.I'm there.I'm here.I'm everywhere.So are you!Happy birthday,my dearest fairy!

joi, 20 septembrie 2012


the same things,twisted and turned into
bittersweet memories.
the same things,drowning in coffee and surrounded by whiskers
beneath the sun's gleaming beams.
the same things,covered in stories and dirt
under water's steaming horizon.
the same things,written in ink and spread across
lands,languages and lips.
the same things,dominated by reason,but released
by outbursts of emotion and belief.
the same things,dying in gold and sparkling
for eyes unaware of their inglorious decay.
the same things,masked by guitars and beats
that match heart's tormented trip.
the same things,boiling in blood and resurfacing
through transparent streams.
the same things,holding on to now and hoping
time won't let this world collapse.
the same things,the same old things...

miercuri, 19 septembrie 2012

Rediscovering magic

OK,darlings,I have a confession to make...Well,it's not exactly a big secret and I've mentioned it briefly in an earlier post,but I feel it should be said clearly (for my own sake,more than anything!).God,how I love to sound melodramatic!
Truth be told,I have never read the Harry Potter books as a child.Don't ask me why!Maybe I found them a bit too pretentious at the time.And,let's be honest,the hype and fuss around them were off the top! (Yes,I was a hipster kid,get over it...)
Anyhow,the smiles and tears brought about by this franchise have come and gone,leaving me with a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth and the need to belong.Until now...
Oh,my God!I'm almost 20 and I now want to be a wizard and have a magic wand and go to Hogwarts and defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!I have become uncontrollably excited about the books and movies and I don't care about what other have to say!It's such a wonderful universe and I'm ashamed I haven't entered it earlier...Hey,better late than never,right?
Though I have seen some of the films,the experience is only complete when you have traveled alongside Harry page by page,word by word,lesson by lesson.And I gasp and yell and laugh and live this adventure with a new found respect for everything it represents.
Considering I'm only at the start of this magic journey,I think I've done good so far.In a way,there are no regrets about the time gap-maybe this is the right time for me.This is the right hour for my eyes to rediscover magic,wisdom,friendship and courage.After all,I have a challenge of my own coming up and it's called "life".So...Alohomora!

marți, 18 septembrie 2012

Tangled fabric

it's hard to let go of the past,even when only
bits and pieces of cloth stand testimony on its
how many raggedy dolls have I forgotten?
how many dresses are now brittle strings?
how many men stand naked,while patches
pile under my undisturbed bed?
we never stop to think about the stories
in which our socks and shorts and T-shirts
are soaked,yet we cover our bodies more
than we do our souls...
a scarf to mend a broken voice,some gloves
to hide blood-stained fingers,even a belt
to smother that smoky breath from within-
how thin is our substance,
how damned our masked shell!
I got lost in this sea of cotton dreams and
artificial seams,wanting to create and
ending up swallowed by an incomplete beast...

luni, 17 septembrie 2012

"Put another x on the calendar..."

Nu o sa inteleg niciodata relatia mea complicata si mereu schimbatoare cu somnul.
Stiu ca v-am plictisit deja,dar,daca vreti sa ma cuceriti cu adevarat,dati-mi cafea si pisici.
Mi-e frica de apa in aceeasi masura in care o ador.
Oare cei morti mai pot simti iubirea celor vii?Tare as vrea sa stiu...
Mi-e dor de oameni pe care nu i-am cunoscut niciodata si plang la cuvintele celor care imi stiu povestea fara a ma fi cunoscut vreodata.
Deschiderea anului scolar a devenit un joc meschin intre nostalgie si recunostinta.
Realizez cat de mult seman cu mama pe zi ce trece.
In ciuda urii manifestate in copilarie,rosul va fi mereu culoarea mea.
Televiziunea americana mi-a creat asteptari nerealiste in ceea ce priveste,pai,totul.
Luciditate,luciditate,luciditate maxima,somn.

duminică, 16 septembrie 2012

Plagued writings

...de parca cineva ar arunca zarurile in zori,
spunand:"Azi nutresti fericire!" sau
"Prevad nori duri si picuri printre degete!"-
cine-mi decide oare emotiile cand nici macar eu
nu sunt capabila sa le disting intre ele?
si chiar de-as vrea sa mor cu mana pe hartie
si cafeaua intre buze,tot n-ar fi bine:
cate trairi nu imbatranesc sub stigmatul minciunii
prin caiete cu dungi bleu si patratele timide?
se vede ca-i toamna,ma pierd iar in rime
la fel de fosnitoare si seci ca frunzele galbene
ce vuiesc printre amintiri si duioase feline...
tot viata altuia-i mai placut de narat,nu-i asa?
unde greselile-s uitate de soarta si iubirile exacerbate
ca totul sa aiba parfum de basm fara granite-
ce ma faceam eu,Providenta,fara sentimentele cantate
si povestile jucate de oameni la fel de complicati
ca mine?
noapte,noapte,iar e noapte
si raspunsul tot nu vine...

sâmbătă, 15 septembrie 2012

Kindred spirits

Even though I deny it,I'll always want love.And not just any type,but my perfect one.To some degree,we all crave for that:someone to save us and make everything better.Maybe I'll never truly grow up,maybe I'll always be searching for Prince Charming out of the corner of my eye...I don't know,I really don't!But,as much as I'd want to see my existence as a romantic comedy,I just can't afford to think like that anymore.Life is happening right now,with or without a knight in shining armor.And you can't beg for affection,you have to somehow deserve it...
Words fail me today.So do emotions.It's autumn in all its depressing glory getting to me.I trust a cup of chamomile tea and Doctor Who will do the trick,if only for the time being...Where is my kindred spirit?Where is my loving hug?Where is my damn self-esteem?
Oh,blue eyes,how you torture me still... 

vineri, 14 septembrie 2012

Grey sweater

E tare greu sa spui "Adio!"-asa ca prefer un "La revedere!" incet si o imbratisare lunga.
Lumina are darul de a face trecutul magic si viitorul putin mai infricosator decat este cu adevarat.
Dorul de casa apare chiar si numai dupa o zi si se stinge cu lucruri aparent banale.
Uitasem cat de mult imi place berea,ca sa vezi minune!
De ce este mult mai fascinant sa traiesti cele o mie de vieti din spatele unui ecran?
Se lasa seara,dispare entuziasmul...
Nu urasc o raceala crunta cat urasc pre-raceala:frisoane subtile,ochi aproape inlacrimati,sentimente autumnale si ganduri innabusite de amorteala.Magnific!Pur si simplu,magnific...
Daca problema nu poate fi rezolvata cu o cana imensa de ceai de musetel si Mumford&Sons,atunci chiar ca nu are solutie!
A venit iar noaptea,s-a mai dus o zi...

joi, 13 septembrie 2012

Last adventure

A night laced with both ghouls and wonders.Sickening coffee.Doctor Who bag.A long-lost memory revived by my darling brother.Tireless fingers.Dripping sounds.Autumn sun.Fluffy tails and melodious whiskers.Pink nails.Straight hair.Bitter stomach.Black luggage.Lavender eyes.Luminous embraces.Geeky talks.Predictions,plans,doubts and hope.Girls' night in.Hilarious people and delicious food."The piano knows something I don't know".Pictures and memories.Sweets and sweet words.Frustrating games and famous names.Sleepy movies.Nocturnal laughs.Warm hands.Crowded bed.Intertwined images of the past and the present.Random miracles of the world.Discovering the people that were there all along.Happy smiles.Peculiar dreams.Rosy sheets.Our last adventure...for now!

miercuri, 12 septembrie 2012

Raggedy girl

I'm starting to dislike myself more and more these days..."But why,sweet child?You have no reason to feel that way:you're young,pretty,healthy,nobody's dead...So smile and act accordingly!" one might say-well,no.And shut the fuck up,if you may!
First of all,I specifically refrained from using the word "hate"-that would just make me another bratty teenager,right?Right.And only God knows how tired I am of them!
Second of all,everything hurts.Literally everything.My teeth,my back,my knees,my mind,my flesh and my bones,anything you could imagine has decided to go on strike and book me a one-way ticket to a bedlam.It's ridiculous and sad and I'm starting to feel too old for my age...
Maybe it's the fear of change coming out through all the wrong pores.Well,shoving every thought about uni and going away from home for the first time in almost 20 years down the furthest corners of my being wasn't particularly the best idea I've had lately,but...Neah,that's it,that's part of the problem,no denying it.Man,I could've become a damn good shrink,couldn't I?
Anyway,it's all a haze:waking up,doing the same things,going back to bed,the usual.The only thing that does change is the amount of pain I have to process without going insane.Jesus,could I be any more pathetic?Don't answer that.
...guess I've got to count my blessings now.Family.Roof over my head.Cats and coffee.Good friends.Good books.Good music.Good art,in general.Working limbs.And,hey,I found shoes!Oh,what's the use...
I'm going to drink a lot of kid's medicine for my growing wisdom tooth and wallow in my own misery and nothing can stop me.

marți, 11 septembrie 2012

... a man you knew was falling!

Why must I put such a high price on sleep anyway?Why do I like coffee so much?Why am I more fond of cats than of dogs?Why haven't I read "Harry Potter" as a child?Why do I flinch at every sound?Why must I always ask myself so many goddamn questions?Why is it that I can't stand doing the laundry?Why do I feel like I'm drowning every time I get in a bathtub?Why can't I use my time more wisely?Why do I even need shoes?Why won't my body just stop hurting already?Why can't my head shut up and leave it be?Why do I only feel happy when I'm alone?Why do I fall in love with dead people?Why can't we get along with our neighbors?Why do I get all enthusiastic at night?Why am I still afraid of the dark?Why do I find it a burden to say my prayers?Why everything?Just why...

luni, 10 septembrie 2012

Alive on the surface

there's something wrong inside of me-
a pit filled with tar and forgotten sorrows,
all ready to resurface and crumble my bones
like brittle sandcastles.
to say the truth,it does feel wrong-
the numbing pain that's haunting my cheeks,
the blue blood spread across my lips,
vengeful thoughts and ferocious tongue...
if only I could detach myself from the fall,
cut the poisonous roots,make this torture
if only I could cry it out and let it go!
if only I could lose myself in another soul's
twisted mouth and plagued words!
it's like swallowing needles and getting the hiccups-
no way back,just a cut to release those metal doves
from the captivity of flesh and its lustful charms...
I'm wrong-from my purple toes to my eyes,
I'm wrong-wrong,my God,so wrong!

duminică, 9 septembrie 2012

Sing it for the world!

Nu vreau sa ma opresc,vreau sa ma minunez in continuare de miracolul ce ma inconjoara...De alarma stupida ce tine locul unor randunele,de hainele ce-mi acopera trupul,de hrana ce se transforma in energie si imaginatie si spirit liber.Vreau sa fiu mereu fascinata de faptul ca pisicile sunt animale care chiar exista si ca ma pot bucura de micul meu "drog inofensiv",cafeaua.Vreau ca oamenii sa rada de uimirea mea nediluata si eu sa le zambesc in loc de raspuns.Vreau sa fiu un burete uman,sa inmagazinez in vasul acesta precar cat de multa minte incape.Vreau sa-mi privesc iubirea ca pe o arma pozitiva si invincibila.Vreau sa cant si sa tip si sa sar si sa ma simt fara limite.Vreau sa plang de fericire in fiecare zi.Vreau sa-mi amintesc totul,fie bun,fie rau.Vreau sa-mi tin o buna prietena de mana si sa privim artificiile fantastice.Vreau sa fiu infinita

sâmbătă, 8 septembrie 2012

53 and counting

O noua noapte fermecata de zanele binevoitoare ale visului.Placerea de a nu face nimic si durerea din spatele unor oase imbatranite inainte de vreme.Orele petrecute in bucatarie si dulcele lor rezultat (literalmente).Povesti si planuri de viitor.Senzatia de puzzle incomplet.Soare si pisici.Sa sarbatorim!Basme reinviate,fantasmele copilariei mereu prezente,regasirea curajului si a optimismului moderat.Clipe simple,impartasite in familie,trecute prin filtrul amintirilor si pretuite ca atare.Oare cat timp pierdem gandindu-ne ca ce avem ni se cuvine etern?Sau il castigam oare vazand lumea astfel?Nu stiu inca.Trebuie sa-mi mai apara niste fire albe inainte sa pot raspunde la aceasta intrebare...Pregatiri invaluite in albastru si auriu.Plamani coplesiti de muzica si ochi caprui.Dezamagire atenuata de lucrurile cu adevarat importante.Glume nocturne si emotii de zece ori mai luminoase.La multi ani,tati!

vineri, 7 septembrie 2012

Dream's embrace

it's been a while since I last greeted morning's sun
with a glowing smile-how can such a ghostly pleasure
sprout from night's blackened charm?
...and it follows you throughout the day,
that lingering desire of an incomplete embrace,
both mesmerizing and draining as the hours
make its memory fade away.
-but there is no time to dwell in the midst
of a phantom's veil,
no space to waste when reality bursts
with miracles and luminous promises
and the curse of never-ending
nothing compares to a friend's warm skin
and lovely words,let me just say!
I might crave for imagined faces,
but the ones that hurt and care are always better!
to fathom a Universe may comfort,
yet I'd rely on my eyes rather than my imagination
for a day...

joi, 6 septembrie 2012

Lucid hypnosis

I need a friend-but not just any friend...One that doesn't know my name,my past,my fears,my body or my soul.I need...I just need someone to talk to,ok?Could you be that someone for me,if only for a couple of minutes,please?

So,I'm a mess.I'd say "Well,that's obvious!",but I tend to forget that my problems dwell inside my skull,not outside of it.Silly,isn't it?I wish I could sincerely laugh right now...

I've had the most peculiar and amazing dream last night,filled with somewhat familiar faces and a bathtub full of cold water.They say that dreaming about water means that you've felt a little chilly during the night,which is perfectly plausible if you take into consideration the fact that I can never get used to seasons changing.I'm already dreading the thought of October and November,those useless jumpers and ineffective cups of tea.It's like shutting down alongside nature,that's exactly how it feels:freezing,damaging,barren.Anyhow,back to that dream I mentioned earlier:is it weird that I enjoyed it?Strangeness and all?If anything,it had the most exciting shades of sea foam in the shape of clothes and shoes and...Never mind.Just childish desires I sometimes find myself clutching to.

I'm thinking about death more and more nowadays and it's really starting to upset me.And no,it's not like that 8th grade phase when I used to glorify anything and everything about funerals,cemeteries&co.No,just the crippling feeling that all that I love is one step away from a not so free trip six feet under.Proof?Sleepless nights,frightening nightmares,panic attacks and the rooted belief that not a single moment of serenity remains unpaid.It may not seem much from a detached perspective,but the biased one sure isn't having any fun right now.I find myself growing fond of the word "oblivion" for some reason...

I can't imagine having to bury one of your parents at the age of 17.My mom did that.She had to bury her father when she was only 17.I just can't fathom that horrid picture,nor do I wish to.Not now,not ever...And I miss him.I never met him,but I miss him nonetheless.He was a doctor (and a brilliant one too-from what I was told),that type of person everybody loves and respects at the same time.How he adored my mother!Those countless stories of their joyous adventures and how they fill my heart with both gratitude and sorrow...I wish I knew him.I wish they had more time together.I wish he could have taken me by the hand and showed me the world as a child.I wish he could be a real person in my memories,not just a projection in yet another alternative universe.I wish I could rewrite time and make it all better.I wish nobody should have to bury their parents.

This is so stupid...There's this one song called "Sarah Smiles" by Panic! at the Disco,right?Basically,it's about a girl (Sarah,d'oh!) and how she's not perfect,but the perfect one.At least that's what I took from it all.Anyway,I find myself grinning like a madman each time I listen to it and this weird,fuzzy sensation takes over me.Now,I know you're going to laugh,so I'm just saying this one time and one time only:occasionally,I replace her name with mine...It's dumb and awkward and ugh,I know!Still,I want that,I want a song with my name in it,written by someone who actually cares and played with such passion that it makes me cry.Is it too much to ask for?Probably...I don't think I'm special whatsoever,so this "dream come true" would cater to my need of immortality,let's say.Which brings us back to the oh-so-familiar talk about death...Why do I do this to myself,why?!

I want to let go.I need to let go.But to what?Myself?The world?That tireless voice which oscillates between a friend and an enemy?"Confusing"-that pretty much sums it up.I'm confusing myself and the rest of the Universe isn't helping either.How self-centered,yet how...ambiguous!It appears martyrdom isn't just for the saints...

If only these words were a medicine I could swallow.If only they could fix me,both in the mind and in the flesh."If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy,I could have won...".I don't know anymore-what's right,what's wrong,what simply is.

I think I understand vices better than virtues tonight.

miercuri, 5 septembrie 2012


I can't remember a thing about today.Whether my morning coffee was bitter or sweet.The fleeting effect of a remembered dream.If the cats sat on my lap or ignored me.Whether the sun was gleeful or the clouds reigned over the sky.How the wind blew between the shy autumn leaves.If I actually lived or only pretended to.It's easier that way...It's easier to lose yourself in the pages of a book,enclosed and engulfed.Trading one reality for another:you laugh,you cry,you learn and you understand.The infinite Universe is expanding like a gentle paradox right in front of your very own eyes with each and every letter...How my bones cracked and moaned as I sat down on the bed.If I was wise or childish.Whether my words were sincere or just a burlesque relief from it all.I can't remember a thing about today and,in some ways,I don't even care.

marți, 4 septembrie 2012

All the king's lasses

Undisturbed hours of darkness.My favorite poison in a yellow mug.Worlds so distant they don't even seem real anymore.Unwelcome guests and pursed lips.Tedious clothes and curious cats.The humble refuge that is water.Decisions,decisions,decisions!Society in all its judgmental glory.A replay of summer's infernal heat on an ordinary September day.Hugs and kisses.A familiar and pleasant memory as a hospitable relief.Laughs that turn make-up into rainbow tears.Beautiful friends,childhood snacks,Iron Man.The ever-changing present trapped in the form of silly pictures.Famous faces and frustrating games.A cocoon lost in space and time.Fear of the future and an acute sense of gratitude for today.Actual happiness.Returning to solitude,but not to despair.Marvelous and haunting eyes.Preparing for another night of the unknown.A lighter pillow and a brighter smile.

luni, 3 septembrie 2012

Pesterous city

this city is tiresome and swallowing and cruel,
my sleepless night only adding fuel
to its impersonal fire.
am I to sell my soul and body to this concrete
funeral pyre?
too many people,too many stories
of dirty money and unhealthy desires...
intertwined streets make wandering
a selfish privilege,
while enclosed faces seem to scream at the horizon:
"Let me go!Let me be!I can't breathe
how am I to call this burden "home"?
to live,to thrive,to conquer my demons
and come out stronger at the end
of it all?
I don't want to lose this battle-in fact,
I don't want it to be a battle from the start...
this city is draining and cryptic and it's making me faint of heart...

duminică, 2 septembrie 2012

Distant celebrations

1.Somnul este cu atat mai dulce cu cat ziua incepe sa-si ceara drepturile in ritm accelerat.
2.Nu te pune niciodata cu logica unei femei-o sa pierzi inainte sa-ti dai seama!
3.Cand ai nevoie de un lucru,acesta va face tot ce-i sta in putinta inanimata sa dispara de pe fata pamantului.
4.Distanta unei calatorii depinde de entuziasmul investit in ea si calitatea postului de radio preferat.
5.O reuninune de familie este cu mult mai suportabila daca exista vin alb (si rece) pe masa.
6.Povestile despre "alte vremuri" suna altfel daca sunt spuse de un unchi simpatic.
7.Bebelusii au darul de a pune un zambet pana si pe cea mai posomorata fata (in plus,sunt absolut adorabili!).
8.Acasa este intotdeauna cel mai bine.
9.Cel mai bun medicament pentru suflet este muzica.
10.Ne asteapta vremuri grele,insa noi le intampinam cu bratele larg deschise!

sâmbătă, 1 septembrie 2012

Happy birthday,brother dearest!

"Draga frate,

    La multi ani!Iti vine sa crezi ca au trecut 12 ani de cand ai venit pe lumea asta?Stiu ca deja pregatesti un raspuns sarcastic,asa ca mai bine pastreaza-l pentru alta ocazie.
    Oricum,eu imi amintesc.Era prima zi de clasa I,iar cadoul meu de inceput de drum scolar a fost un bebelus galagios si simpatic,propria mea papusa vie.
    Desi "ierarhia" si-a spus cuvantul in prima parte a relatiei noastre frate-sora (adica tu aveai voie sa-mi tai revistele Barbie si eu aveam voie sa plang intr-un colt de nervi),cred ca lucrurile s-au echilibrat pana la urma (adica eu te-am mai scapat ocazional si absolut "accidental" pe jos cand erai mai mic).
    Lasand gluma la o parte,am crescut amandoi si am inteles ca acele certuri si mici-mari neintelegeri au avut importanta lor-au fost copilarii cu rost.
    Iata-ma aici,in bucatarie,muncind de zor (impreuna cu mami) sa iasa niste prajituri de nota 10!Desi stiu ca rar indeplinesc exigentele tale de macar un 9,nu-mi pasa!Fac toate astea de drag si pentru ca anumite momente in viata sunt irepetabile.De exemplu,primii tai pasi.Primul tau cucui (am contribuit,ce-i drept...).Prima data cand ai mers singur pe bicicleta.Prima oara cand fac savarine!Vezi tu,asa se "fabrica" amintirile:cu dragoste,rabdare si ochi buni.
    Nu mai lungim vorba pentru ca se raceste mancarea.Eu iti doresc din tot sufletul sanatate,fericire,iubire si putere de munca!De asemenea,iti promit ca te voi ajuta in limita puterilor mele de cate ori voi putea.Pana la urma,pentru ce sunt fratii?Ne ciondanim noi cat ne ciondanim,dar avem teme de facut!
    Ca sa-l citez pe Confucius:"Nu conteaza cate LEGO-uri ai in viata,ci cum le construiesti".
    Capitane,numai bine!
Cu drag, 
Anda. "