joi, 31 ianuarie 2013

Black chairs and revelations

stramb,stramt,stang este coltul unde imi petrec
tineretea agonisita.
ma inec intr-o lume din galben si portocaliu
cu tamplele intortocheate si cu gandul sterp
astept revelatia intarziata,minunea cu chip de barbat,
ceva sa ma scoata din mine,din intunericul
cu identitate.
mi s-au frant degetele sub povara albului
cu cicatrici albastre,
mi s-au sufocat sperantele in vidul locului
imi place tortura,cum sapa silentios in carne,
insa nu pot sa admit asta in fata publicului
nu pot sa ma confesez nici macar mie...
mi-a fugit lumina in burta negrului
si vreau,nu vreau sa vina inapoi:
ce rost are revelatia daca visul ramane tot
un cosmar fara glas?
stramb,stramt,stang este coltul unde imi petrec
viata inchipuita.

miercuri, 30 ianuarie 2013

About cows,drooling and foreign languages

Me and some girls have this thing nowadays where we measure each other's beauty in terms of cow features.Before you start laughing,just consider this: how much of a freaking majestic creature is a cow?I mean: healthy-looking,tons of fun when pissed off,gorgeous colors all over the place.And those eyes,what could you want more?Not even anime could beat that,I'm telling you!To my knowledge,even the Romans were very keen on comparing women's eyes to those of this creature (it was considered a compliment and there was a goddess somewhere around there,beats me).Indians consider cows sacred- need I say more?The point is: don't get mad when people call you "ugly","fat","cow" or compare you to other various animals-you could be called worse,trust me.I have.

I cannot sleep without drooling.It's embarrassing because not only do you wake up on a sponge-pillow,but people (aka roommates) see you and probably think you look like a dying walrus.On the upside,that's the best kind of sleep,when you lose 30% of your bodily fluids and don't know what year it is anymore.So I guess that evens things out.

To me,foreign languages are what they claim to be- foreign.I want to study so many,but,truth be told,this is alien stuff right here.So I go with the flow,praying the Mother Ship will beam me some knowledge before Friday's exam.Do you read me,Scotty?

marți, 29 ianuarie 2013

Unable to cope

I am a horrible human being.No more,no less.It's been proven to me today in a way in which I'm not yet able to fully grasp.
First of all,I don't know how to cope with people crying.Just...Do I give you a hug?A pat on the back?A sedative?!Or do I just leave you there to "spill" it all out,if only not to make matters worse?Do I use and optimistic approach or does it transform me into a rainbow-pucking asshole?Do I go all hardcore and get upset because I have a bloody exam tomorrow and you're not helping me study at all?And do I pretend I'm not happy for my results only to not add fuel to the fire,though God knows I'm clinging to every shred of hope I can find in this barren land we call "college"?!Look at all these questions,look at them!How do I even...anything anymore?
Secondly,my energy levels are at an all time low and I'm already thinking about going home.Unfortunately for me,both circumstances are out of the question.Which leads us to my current "I'm-going-to-jump-off-a-cliff-into-nothingness" state of mind.Coffee and happy thoughts,start doing your thing already!
Thirdly,my imagination is taking over reality.Seriously,it's becoming troublesome and wickedly nice to have a refuge,even if it's one made out of thin air and impossibilities-it keeps me (mildly) sane.On the other hand,it could also drive me mad.Time will tell...
I'm a terrible human being because,right now,I'm the one in need of a real hug.

luni, 28 ianuarie 2013

"Crash'n'burn" theory

I don't like this anymore,I really don't.It feels as if a part of me is being torn and left to wither in no man's land each time I have to comply to an unholy routine.I guess the curse of wanting to leave my "goddamn town" is taking its toll on me...
I'm scared.Of failing,of leaving,of everything in between.No amount of effort seems to suffice,no advice can put me on the right track mentally.Guys,it's official:I'm going through that phase again!Bear with me.
The thing is,I don't let my emotions run free in front of the others.No,sir,I keep them all bottled up inside,a tempest in a teacup.Why?Because it's not a pre-exam Monday night if I don't feel like E.T.'s ripping through my stomach or my heart's going to burst out of my chest.And it's not that I want to feel like this,more so when faced with situations where I need to be "focused" and "well-rested" and all that crap.Daddy's right,I should take up yoga.Or weed.Or both.
My theory is that,one day,I'm going to just spontaneously combust and fly off into the Milky Way.Just like that.No warning,no nothing-just pfuuuuu! and away we go!Less "Tangled" and more failed "Apollo",let's say...
Maybe time and sleep will fix me.Maybe not.
"So we beat on,boats against the current/Borne back ceaselessly into the past"-right now,this phrase and I are but one.

duminică, 27 ianuarie 2013

Through it all...

Nightmares have a way of making you feel like rubbish even when you're in the comfort of your own bed and home.
Being lazy is sooo bad-but it feels sooo good!
The amount of coffee I have "absorbed" throughout the day is both confidential and scary-I'm pretty sure I'd bleed black instead of scarlet right now (not that I feel the need to know).
Panic's creeping in again,all pulsating and choking-will I ever learn my lesson?!
There's something about this house that just makes everything feel right,including myself.
After a gourmet dinner and some homemade cake,I can truly say I feel like I'm 20 years old (it might be the beer too,but let's not rush to any conclusions just yet...).
My mind's telling me to go study,but my purring cats keep stalling me in the most perfect of ways.
At least I tried-until the prospect of a good old movie and some quality time spent with my family came along.
Truth be told,a long bath and some fine music can do wonders for a shaking soul.
I'm not a grade,I'm not a number,I'm not as awful as I think myself to be.
I'm grateful for the past few days,for all my blessings,for all my life.
"Do you hear the people sing?"

sâmbătă, 26 ianuarie 2013

Reading about reading

The more I read,the more I want to write.The more I write,the more I yearn to read.It's a vicious circle,an unfortunate triangle,a never-ending cycle.My beloved Hamlet's "To be or not to be" becomes a question not of life or it's foe,but one of creator versus creation: am I the merchant or the customer or both?Should I wear only one garment or do I need both cloaks to become whole?So many questions,so many yet to come...
I sometimes think myself mad,but I truly love authors,books,paintings,figures long ago perished,moving images with eyes only a lover could fathom.How many have I suffocated with my pleas for F.Scott Fitzgerald's heavenly concoction of letters?How many emotions have I damned and cried away in sweet sorrow as I stared at a cathartic screen?How many times have I been reshaped by colors and thoughts and distant faces?How much of me is actually me and how much am I a product of the world?What a gorgeous question,what a frightening answer...
It's always been about a balancing act,it always will be: standing on a thin line,on the edge of a page,equally drawn to both salvation and despair.On the one side,you have a world of the mind,infinite and everlasting;on the other,an almost sadistic dance of bones,flesh,rushed actions and menacing clocks.You can't have one without the other,they're bound in beauty and in blood.
Gosh,I miss summer!That raggedy chair,endless coffee cups,mesmerizing literature and sun-kissed  music.Look,my skin's tingling already at the thought of it all!But,if I gaze through the window outside right not,there's only snow,cold trees and silent birds,while I'm bearing the burden of solely reading about reading.What a paradox,right?Hemingway,Poe,Kierkegaard,where?How?When?
It's frustrating to read and not fully understand,but even more to read and not agree,then being "forced" to use those words as if they were ambrosia,not venom.If I ever become old,wise and "somebody",I hope nobody will have to go through the same things with my written thoughts.
Ecstatic and disgusted-there's no better way to put it.I'm living in the womb of something beyond logic and I'm ready to face the other side.

vineri, 25 ianuarie 2013

"I have lost the ability to can"

Why do I always lie to myself that "TOMORROW" will be the day I accomplish everything,from studying to knitting to becoming the first woman on Mars?!
Honest to God,I have done nothing all day but eat,play with my cats,laugh with my brother,eat,drink coffee,complain about doing nothing,walk around the house (because SPACE!) and then eat some more.Not to mention my mind's already somewhere in February,with Rimbaud in English,a "Merlin" marathon and an IMDb's worth of movies to watch.That's very disturbing...
Today,I have officially lost the ability to a way,I'd like to think it's my payback for crying all alone in a stupid room at 3 a.m. a while ago,with nobody to pat me on the back,not even myself.I don't regret being this lazy now,though I'm sure as Hell I'll be weeping soon.
Whatever.Why waste today thinking about anything else rather than today itself?It's not like this type of false-martyrdom has ever helped anybody!Chillax,Adriana!
All in all,awesome times.I was happy and I still am and I'm not going to be ashamed of it.
As my girl Scarlett O'Hara would say: "Tomorrow is another day."

joi, 24 ianuarie 2013

Coming home again

This pillow is too soft and this bed is too springy and my bones are aching for a more familiar shelter.
When a hundred daggers take over your throat in the morning,no amount of tea or comfort can make things better.
It frightens me how little determination I have left inside this machine-and I'm only (almost) halfway.
You know what's draining?Seeing yourself as if in a mirror in somebody else's persona-the real you,all frightened and panicked.It's something truly peculiar...
Conclusion: my body wants to protect itself from everything through sleep.Smart body.
At first,I freaked out.Then I started to think.Then I thought "What the Hell!" and went for it.We'll see how that strategy turned out soon...
Despite my splitting headache,crippled heart,overflowing thoughts,I couldn't have been more happy coming home again.Being here is like having a pulse again.Say what you may,but this is where I am most me because it's where I have made myself be.
After this day,watching "Les Miserables" was the catharsis I needed and,my God,I haven't cried like this since I was a child!"Empty chairs at empty tables..."
I'm fine.It's fine.We're going to be just fine.

miercuri, 23 ianuarie 2013

Conflicting words and blue knees

this is my place,it's always been so,
at a step's slide from misfortune.
my knees are blue,they've always seemed so,
even when my skin turns in the summer
from chipped ivory to gold.
a pen and a paper,it's always been so,
the way to decide whether you bear
a black cross or a shimmering crown.
murmurs and pleas,they've always been so,
mischievous ways of making a heart
grovel back and forth.
sprawling indecision,it's always ended so,
that I cannot cage within the arms
of strangers or scented vows.
hallow bones and words,they've always turned so,
a means of escaping the past
that's still lingering in the present.
a clump of papers and a chair,they've always come so,
the pair to make or break me
when temples are pounding like drums.
a churning skull,it's always been so,
the device of solitude and wonders
and beautiful monsters.
this is my place,it's always been so,
within a hand's reach from the unknown.

marți, 22 ianuarie 2013

First 20

I'm starting to really dislike this silent morning routine.Every day it's been the same:get up,take a deep breath,look around,close your eyes,pretend everything is O.K.,then grab a handful of books and forget about the world.It's been particularly awful this morning because I didn't receive my "Happy birthday!" kiss on the forehead from mom before she went to work.Oh,well...
Even so,I can't really complain about it all,considering I've been "showered" with attention and gifts and the presence of people I so dearly care about.
For example,Honey came over and we ate sweets till we couldn't any more,while bitchin' about life,college&co. and stalking Youtubers ("Heeellooo!").It was wonderful having a familiar and special face to get my mind off so many silly things.We made plans and hoped and dreamed and I saw once again a glimpse of the person I used to be (and,more importantly,loved to be).
Then I had one of those "movie moments" (which you never think could happen to you,but they do and it's AWESOME!),where two darling friends of mine from college came to my door with cake and a sparkling candle and radiant smiles and I had to try really hard not to cry because asdfghjkl!Such a beautiful gesture that I couldn't even fathom before!Thank you,girls,you're sweeter than pineapple and cream!
Also,it goes without saying that I received a lot of gifts (which I don't deserve,to be honest),calls and wishes for all the best.As narcissistic as it may sound,it's kinda cool to think someone could actually take their time to acknowledge your presence,your existence,your evolution.Though many may consider it as something automatic,I really did appreciate every single thought and the people who remembered me.Darling creatures of the Lord,bless you!
All in all,it's been a nice day.I chose to talk about the good stuff,not the fact that I still feel void inside,that I miss home like crazy,that something seems to be wrong in some way.I'm officially 20 and I want to look at life from a new perspective.

P.S.Oh,how clumsy of me!Thank you,darling brother,for staying up till 12 to call me!Best gift ever!

luni, 21 ianuarie 2013

Last 19

Sunt batrana rau,maica.Sincer.Nici nu stiu daca sa ma bucur sau nu de "marea schimbare".Trec dintr-un spatiu in care puteam sa fiu lejer o "adolescenta prostuta" intr-unul care presupune maturitate,decizii importante,perspectiva de viitor (adica o suma de cuvinte pe care le voi ignora cu desavarsire,independent de suprematia lui "1" ori "2").O,Doamne!
Pe de o parte,sunt super entuziasmata si curioasa sa vad ce-mi rezerva ziua de maine si sunt gata sa traiesc o gramada de aventuri minunate.Pe de alta parte,ma gandesc putin speriata ca am ajuns la varsta asta ca prin vis,fara a realiza cine stie ce chestie si complet lipsita de un scop "maret" in sange.Dubios.
Ultimul meu 19 a fost cam tristut:camera cea goala de camin,cateva cumparaturi (cu lista uitata pe pat,doar sunt un geniu!),nelipsita mea mare de foi incarcate,portocale si cafea,alinarea venita din partea unei muzici in surdina,o tona de betisoare parfumate,sentimentul de animal prins in cusca,ganduri imprastiate.
Nu-mi pare nici rau,nici bine.Stiu ca totul va fi bine (dupa cum spune si cantecul,nu-i asa?),chiar daca acum totul pare foarte rau.
Pana la urma,nu conteaza o cifra sau un numar,ci cat de "copt" iti simti propriul spirit.Dupa calculele mele,cred ca am vreo...103 ani?Bine,sa nu exageram-102.
Chiar am mai crescut in anul ce tocmai sta sa treaca pentru mine.Evenimentele de tot soiul m-au fortat sa ma autodepasesc,iar clipele cu plus ma vor face sa zambesc pentru mult timp de acum inainte.Am fost binecuvantata cu o familie geniala,cu prieteni dragi,cu oportunitati unice-am eu oare dreptul sa ma plang de faptul ca m-am bucurat de ele inca un an?Bate-m-as c-un val,nici nu credeam altfel!
Varsatorul din mine cere sa fie infaptuita o celebrare lichida la miezul noptii-suc,oameni buni,suc!In plus,alcoolul n-are haz cand te insoteste doar umbra.Nu conteaza-good things come to those who wait.
Mai sunt 20 de minute pana implinesc 20 de ani,ceea ce mi se pare haios si putin premeditat (sue me!).Sunt gata si impacata si lipita de cana galbena.
Sufland intr-o bricheta,imi voi pune o singura dorinta:ca totul sa fie pur si simplu bine.

duminică, 20 ianuarie 2013

Too much silence

Nu vreau sa ma dau jos din pat,nu vreau sa infrunt realitatea,nu vreau deloc asta.Nu cred ca putea sa fie mai lung holul cel intunecat.O sa ajung sa innebunesc in camera-mi meschina,cu teancuri maculate in brate si ganduri care inoata in alte oceane.Pana astazi,nici nu stiam macar unde-mi sunt rinichii-un geam deschis si un tricou ca hartia de orez de gros mai tarziu,pot sa descriu 3279 de moduri in care se manifesta durerea corespunzatoare.Ori sunt deocheata de soarta,ori sufar de ceva dubios-am ajuns sa adorm instantaneu (super,nu?).Mi-e dor de televizorul suparat pe politica al mamaiei,de strigatele lu' frate-miu,de pisicile mele "miorlaicioase"-ma credeti sau nu,e prea liniste ca sa invat;cel putin,tipul gresit de liniste...Sigur o sa rezist eu sesiunii cu un regim bazat pe ciocolata,portocale si cafea-aham,indubitabil.Vestea buna?Imi bag proverbialele picioare in toate cele saptamana viitoare si ma duc la mine-acasa,unde ma asteapta un tort mare si niste chipuri de care am nevoie mai mult ca oricand.Vestea proasta?Ziua are (din pacate) numai 24h si doar Dumnezeu stie cand o sa le fac pe toate.Totusi,zambesc.De ce?Nu stiu nici eu.Dar ceva imi spune ca totul o sa fie bine.Cu liniste cu tot.

P.S. Sa dai perdeaua la o parte si sa vezi pescarusi.Multi,multi,multi pescarusi.Asta da viata! *ba dum tsss*

sâmbătă, 19 ianuarie 2013

The aftermath of too many letters

my soles are blue from last night's marathon
between that swampy sink and my
hurricane hallucinations;
I can't release my body from the white waves
of the morning,
I don't wish to save myself,to learn how
to swim...
my buoy is black,my eyes are a stormy gray,
the day is much too opaque;
I've raised a tempest in a coffee cup,
what a twisted turn of events!
I sometimes feel like I'm drowning
in the middle of nothing but air,
yet my lungs still clutch to that torturing motion
with all their sadistic romance...
I'm water-bound ,it's in my flesh,
behind my closed eyelids,
carved into the day I was born...
worn out arms,grab the churning shore
and build that castle again!
there's a pulse in the ocean that's making
me melt,calling and whispering and drawing
this topaz soul near...
but my sea's miles away,unlike reality's
howling wheels-
I miss my salty skin,my dripping hair,my origin.
I miss myself.

vineri, 18 ianuarie 2013

Hate triangle

"talking to the moon"

Well,basically,shitty day was shitty.I'm disappointed in myself and the world and of everything in between.If all my exams are going to be like this,then it's pointless to even hope.And it's frustrating!Draining!Tiresome to the point of shaky hands and rusty knees.I don't want to cry,I don't want to be weak!But...Words fail me.
I'm traumatized.I need a doctor.And a cookie.And to get things into perspective again.
The rain and fierce wind are not helping at all.Neither are my lack of food and salty tears.But I'd rather cry my sorrow into a sink than let it consume me from the inside.
What's done is done,I have to move on.I'm going to sleep until I can't stand the bed anymore and think about wonderful things and forgive myself.Tomorrow.
Now I have to give in,let the fire burn and collect the ashes of such a miserable experience.Where's a mother's embrace when you need one?I'm going to drive myself insane,I just know it...
Maybe unconsciousness will wash away the guilt and nausea.It better-or else...
I'm sorry for being so gloomy,but this place right here is the closest I can be to home right now.And I need my home.I really,really do.

joi, 17 ianuarie 2013

Nope,we can't!

Are you kidding me?!Is this my life?!Jesus,where do I sign up to be a child again?Because I do not enjoy feeling like a shipwreck in the making.
Every plan I make crumbles just like that,every piece of hope I conjure decomposes like a hurried dandelion.How can you please those around you when you can't even please yourself?
Panic has gotten the best of me and that's not particularly good.On the one side,I'm scared because I don't want to disappoint anyone and make this presumably privileged situation into a problem,even a chore.On the other hand,I remember how short life actually is and that we're all going to die and things become way more simpler.But then I see my "paper sea" and all Hell breaks loose!
I foresee a sleepless night,two freaking horrible exams and a blue-tinged heart.I'm so stressed out,I can't even react properly anymore.
You know what?Fuck it.For better or worse,this is the situation as it is.I need to just count my blessings and try to make do with the intertwined "thistle and weeds".
Feeling hollow,yet overflown by something anonymous-truly peculiar.
May God have mercy on our souls.

miercuri, 16 ianuarie 2013

Paper sea

This is one of those days when I don't even know anymore.For example,I decided to give up on sleeping-why torture myself for a few fleeting hours?Why not pump coffee and positive thinking into my body until I basically collapse to the ground?Exactly.That settles it:I'm going to become a caffeine-soaked zombie and there's nothing you can do about it.
All I needed today was a little bit of motivation.Naturally,it never came my way:actually,I could say it even avoided my path with the strength and fury of a hundred stubborn mustangs.Meh!I will survive.You know why?Because you can't expect to be saved by others-you have to be your own Messiah.
Mom made me cry!I feel so stupid!It was,it was stupid of me to cry,but how could I not cry when she told me to come home as soon as I could because she wanted to bake me a cake for my birthday!Oh,God!Focus,Adriana,focus!Be the machine you know deep down inside you can be.We'll reactivate those emotions in February.
I'm so not me right now it's not even funny anymore.

marți, 15 ianuarie 2013

"It's you,it's you,it's all for you"

though my bones are on fire
and my flesh is a numb puppet,
I still can't sleep-
the moon is out there,wicked and afloat,
hanging above my head
like a ghostly torch. I make myself a dream,
since conjuring long-lost unconsciousness
is out of my reach:
a dream where I'm perfect and radiant
and red,
a dream where you come and slowly kiss
my forehead,my cheeks,my withering lips.
I'm in an armchair,dress falling
from my frame like a layer of lava
and crimson roses;
you're standing above me,a warm
backbone for that fabricated shelter;
I give up,you lean in,we exist.
and I don't want to let go of this image,
my camera focuses and gets stuck on repeat!
I want to feel something,anything,
even if it's sorrow and defeat!
my head turns out to be a foe
at the best inappropriate moment-what a treat!
underneath my damaged sheets,
I make myself a dream.

luni, 14 ianuarie 2013

But why?!

Eu zic "Nu!",inima zice "Da!".Eu zic "Plecati privirea!",ochii tintesc si mai insistent "victima".Eu ma dau de ceasul mortii sa nu-mi complic existenta,eu nu aud.O lume fara hormoni si baieti frumosi-asta imi doresc!
Marea mea problema acum este un mare razboi civil care se da pe mare.Cum impac eu o corabie subrezita cu un echipaj hiperactiv si determinat sa gaseasca a naibii comoara cat mai repede?Simplu: mai pun o lingurita de cafea in apa si carmuiesc ansamblul departe de orice insula cu dulce cantec de sirena terestra in nisip.Hai,Adriana,hai!
Daca n-ar fi comic,ar fi chiar targic: de ce sa te superi pe cineva care te pune sa gandesti si sa evoluezi?Pe romaneste,mie nu-mi place sa-i dau omului informatia "mura-n gura",mai ales cand are sansa sa creeze ceva sublim cu propriile puteri.Lumea se comporta tare ciudat azi-clar,"e ceva in aer!".
Vreau sa dorm,dar trebuie sa invat,insa nu mai pot,cu toate ca trebuie sa pot-do you see my problem?
Iar imi canta Brandon Boyd fain in cap si ma minte cu o nerusinare transcendentala.
Las',imi ia mie mamaia capre si se rezolva totul.

duminică, 13 ianuarie 2013


Aseara am capitulat devreme,dat fiind ca aveam o manusa de box in loc de "instrumentul" mersului.E tare ciudat sa te trezesti intr-o camera in care doar un singur pat e mototolit.Daca am uitat pana la mijlocul zilei sa beau cafea si sa mananc,e clar-the end is near.M-am saturat de toate cuvintele astea imprumutate si meschine,insa mi-am legat singura streangul de calimara.Va recomand sa nu ascultati melodii de dragoste in timp ce invatati-because of reasons,many reasons,heartbreaking reasons.Radeti cat vreti,dar mie mi-e o pofta nebuna de o ciorba de cartofi si de locul meu in bucatarie si cred ca o sa ma apuce plansul cat de curand.Doamne,tare bine mai e sa nu mai vorbesti singur for a change!Sunt atat de obosita ca simpla proiectie imaginara a unui pat ma face sa vad oi.In stomacul meu si-a gasit resedinta un trib de canibali si nu-s semne ca ar pleca prea curand.As vrea sa pot suspenda timpul frumos intr-un cui si sa pot medita din nou ca inainte.Nu stiu,frate,e prea complicata viata asta.Si eu nu fac altceva decat sa ma perind noaptea pe holuri intr-un halat roz de baie.

sâmbătă, 12 ianuarie 2013

Alone in a corner

Sunt singura si mi-e frica.Nu de camera asta mare si devastatoare,nici de intunericul ce se inmulteste cu fiecare ora adancita in noapte.Mi-e frica de mine.De toate gandurile indoliate care-mi mananca tineretea.De privirea incruntata si marginita cu rosu ce se reflecta in ecranul static al laptopului.De timpul pe care-l pierd departe de familie,nefericita si muta.Nu ma intelegeti gresit,sunt prima care promoveaza educatia si ador sa invat lucruri noi,insa...Nu mai pot.Pur si simplu,nu mai pot.Nici fizic,nici psihic.Sunt un fel de invelis dirijat de inertie si cam atat.Ma consum pentru lucruri triviale,apoi imi amintesc de zadarnicia lor,iar atunci chiar ca se duce totul de rapa.Nu mai stiu cine sunt,cine eram,cine vreau sa fiu.Cand sun acasa,spun ca sunt bine.Dar somnul nu mai vine si piciorul se tot umfla si constiinta urla "Minti!Minti!Minti!".Am nevoie de o ancora si o imbratisare.Mi-e dor de ai mei,de pisici,de pat si de-un vis nebunesc.Nu-mi pare rau ca sunt aici,insa as vrea sa fiu acolo.Deocamdata,trebuie sa ma multumesc cu un colt negru si muzica in surdina. 

vineri, 11 ianuarie 2013

Almost 20

"This is a gift.It comes with a price."

Anul acesta nu vreau cadouri.Nici macar urari.Implinesc 20 de ani si tanjesc dupa un singur lucru: binele.
Asa ca,scumpe suflete,faceti un bine in numele meu.Dati un covrig de pomana.Spuneti-i unei persoane ca este speciala.Impacati-va cu acel prieten lasat in trecut.Folositi-va imaginatia si resursele,creati ceva frumos.Pentru mine.Pentru voi.Pentru toti.
Sincer,m-as bucura mult mai mult ca,in locul unui "La multi ani!",sa primesc un mesaj care sa-mi dezvaluie o poveste.Eu am tot ce-mi doresc in clipa asta,mai ales ca "averea" mea nu se poate cumpara ori materializa prin suflarea unor lumanari.
Poate pare o chestie stupida sau egocentrica ("Cine se mai crede si asta?De parca i-as fi dat ceva oricum!"),insa merita o incercare.Pentru ca m-am saturat de lumea aiurea in care traiesc.Pentru ca mi-e pofta o schimbare.Pentru ca vreau cel mai fain cadou de ziua mea: fiinte fericite.
Asadar,va astept minunile detaliate pe data de 22 fix.M-ar face cel mai implinit (in continuare!) copil cu 20 de ierni in palme.
Gata cu "siroposeala",inapoi la invatat!Tic-tac,tic-tac!

joi, 10 ianuarie 2013

"Uat da fac"

In primul rand,vreau sa-mi cer scuze pentru update-urile "in reluare".Dragi (inca) cititori,imi sufla sesiunea in ceafa ca un dragon si...Si.Si e mai greu cu ajunsul de pe hartie in lumea virtuala.Ofulica,of,of,of...
In caz ca va intrebati,eu sunt bine.Glumesc,sunt in pragul colapsului de toate felurile si ma descompun pe moment ce trece.Nu ma credeti?Dovada stau cearcanele-mi de un violet maiestuos,genunchii in flacari,piciorul drept umflat "ca un bustean" (am spus asta toata ziua,ma jur!),bratele intr-o permanenta stare de durere si spatele care a inceput sa-mi cam scartaie.Cireasa de pe tort: psihicul meu mai labil decat poate sa indure o definitie de dictionar.Nu ma plang,nu ma plang,gata!Ba ma plang,ma foarte plang,O SA MOOOR!
Avem rate pe Dambovita.Si pescarusi!Pescarusi badass chiar!Genul de pescarusi cu moaca de "ai dant ghiv a fac" si care leviteaza pe gheata subtire infiripata pe ici,pe colo.Cand ma fac mare,vreau sa fiu un pescarus exact ca ei!Sau o rata.Sau o fiinta cu viata personala,eventual.Ma multumesc cu oricare varianta.
Se simt efectele cafelei duble de dimineata sau trebuie sa aduc in discutie si cele (aproape doar) 4 ore de somn?Jesus Christ,what is my life?!
Sunt resemnata,sa stiti.Dar nu in sensul rau,nu,nu,nu!Sunt resemnata ca urmatoarea luna va insemna un periplu asemanator celui de-al zecelea cerc al Iadului si ca o sa fiu mai mult o carcasa decat o persoana.Ce naiba,cred ca nici n-o sa-mi amintesc de propria-mi zi de nastere!Apropo de asta...Lasa,va spun maine.Marim suspansul.
Ma uit la marea de foi in care ma scufund,intrebandu-ma: "de ce?".Ma uit spre miezul fiintei mele si gasesc raspunsul mai usor decat as crede: "pentru ca trebuie".Din miliarde de motive si,in esenta,niciunul.Vedeti voi,paradoxurile astea superbe ma omoara pe mine.Literalmente.
Inainte de a ma intoarce la oile mele de studenta la Litere,vreau sa fac o ultima confesiune:m-am indragostit.Nu de o persoana,ci de o idee-si mi-e tare bine asa.Nu tu griji,nu tu stres.Ca doar astea imi mai trebuiau acuma!
Daca trec de urmatoarea luna relativ intreaga,sunt un om mare.Un om maxim.Un om de Litere.Kill me,kill me now.
Va pup,va iubesc,sa-mi tineti pumnii!I'm gonna need them-one way or another.

miercuri, 9 ianuarie 2013

Burning cold

I crave to sleep because that's when
I don't have to feel my swollen brain
chanting and flinching and crashing
into the deepest valleys
of my unsung soul.
is it just my frozen faith
or are the days really growing
my hands are flesh-covered twigs,
my knees are on fire...
to find yourself torn between
selfish desires and the ones you cherish-
to live or to crumble?
to love or to perish?
my youth is but a child in a
grandmother's embrace:
I long to go back,further and further,
until I'm nothing but a trace
of ideas and sparkling atoms...
sweet serenity,you are a shadow
I cannot catch
with light or darkness-
these hours make me humble,
the streets are cold and somber...
I crave to dream because that's when
I can see my thoughts run free
and my pain at peace.

marți, 8 ianuarie 2013


e incredibil cum poti
sa existi si sa nu existi
uite,eu sunt aici,dar nu sunt deloc.
ah,maruntaie nesabuite,tocmai acum ma dati de gol?
mi-e carnea prea rosie
si piciorul prea noduros...
in sala asta mare din
lemn in straturi fine
(vai de mine,ce fantastica ironie!),
ma paste o suprema revelatie-
sunt una si sunt multe,
sunt un infinit urmat
de multe puncte
de suspensie
si mi-e capul o padure colcaind
a animale turbate.
si mi-e sufletul un vartej ce duce
spre mainile lui Dante.
si mi-e craniul o carcasa,o carcasa,
o carcasa...
e incredibil cum poate panica
sa-si infiga ghearele
in cel mai obscur colt de
speranta virgina.

luni, 7 ianuarie 2013

A trembling heart

la sedintele de terapie,esti intrebat,
intr-o engleza tradusa cu stanga,
"cum te simti azi?'-
...cum ma simt azi?
ma simt franta.descompusa.dezolata.
ca si cum as fi peticita pe la toate incheieturile
si toate articulatiile mele sufletesti.
de parca as fi vazut moartea cu ochii
rosii de neincredere.
ca si cum as fi suferit un atac de cord.
prinsa intr-un vartej de scari si vai
ma simt ca un om care simte
peste puterile lui.
ma simt ca si cand ar fi mai usor
sa renunt la mine.
clonata si cu energiile scurse printr-un tub
catre gura nebuloasa a Universului.
ma simt atrasa de perspectiva unei aventuri
nocturne cu inconstienta.
nefericita si extaziata.
ma simt incapabila de a intra in pielea
unor cuvinte cu tarcuri bine delimitate.
incompleta si nerecunoscatoare.
"cum te simti azi?"-
ma simt ireala.

duminică, 6 ianuarie 2013

Watery crown

Blessed and cursed-that's my true condition.I dare not even call myself a "writer",but a person under the bitter and ecstatic spell of words.I'm their slave,they are my master.How it came to this?Only God knows and the Devil conspires.
I had a revelation in the bathtub today: art lies in atoms.I have Van Gogh at the core of my orchid's fleshy leaves.Marilyn Monroe between my ivory and crimson sheets.F.Scott Fitzgerald painted on my fingers and rings and dirty eyelashes.So many names,so many unknown or lost identities.That's why everything is an inspiration,that' why beauty never dies.It's because we can never truly escape creation in this world.
...then,how can I?How can I compete with this perfect creature that lacks a body,but exhales only pure essence and sparkle?I will forever be in the shadow cast by the particle of life.Insufficient and hungry for something I can't have.
Sometimes,I don't believe in God.But I believe in art.Which sometimes means the same thing.Sometimes...
My head only bears a watery crown and my soul is crumbling.I look for salvation in everything.Blessed and cursed.

sâmbătă, 5 ianuarie 2013

Awakened monster

it's 2:32 a.m.- I'm watching the darkness
inside my room do nothing
but swim through my sleepless entrails
and Hell-possessed thoughts;
I'm going to die insane-
I can feel it in my whiny blood,
my tragic verses,my unsung voices;
...I fear myself most when reality fades
away into something I cannot fathom
or cradle to my breast-
monsters feeding upon me,but being me
it's 2:56 a.m.- I'm eviscerating this bed
underneath with blunt elbows,
dry thighs and crushed curls-
my body's so damaged,it won't accept
night's tender glue...
it's broad daylight-I'm wandering
through town,clutching to my father's arm,
searching for owls,answers
and peace of mind;
back to the same pages and damaged youth,
my (un)expected future,
my joyous present...
it's an anonymous hour- I've killed
all my clocks as an act of liberating revenge:
mercy upon this hallow soul...

vineri, 4 ianuarie 2013

My words no more

M-au napadit cosmarurile precum o ciuma brodata cu smoala si carbuni.Urc pe treptele sperantei,doar ca sa ma arunc apoi singura in deznadejde.Cafeaua imi sapa in dinti si in suflet urme adanci.Cum sa fug de zgomot stiind ca ma asteapta linistea cea alba?Chiar daca simt soparlele zvarcolindu-se pe piele,am in inima sange cald si nou.Au reusit sa-mi fure pana si cuvintele,copiii mei deformati si dragi-aici s-a ajuns,ironic de cruda soarta?Am ochii tai,tata,pentru ca tu mi i-ai dat,tu mi i-ai crescut,tu mi i-ai deschis.Cateodata,parca nu am oase in corp,ci macarale stricate din fildes,lovindu-se si ciocnindu-se si distorsionandu-se reciproc dintr-o iubire bolnava de autodistrugere.Timpul mi se scurge cu totul de-odata,trecut,prezent si viitor,bezmetic si neintelegator.Imi masor prea des valoarea in cifre cocarjate si prea rar in cuvintele ce ma fac sa tresar prin noaptea transpirata.Viata mea este atat de secreta ca nici nu-mi paraseste vreodata capul.Vreau sa fac totul si stiu ca nu pot sa fac totul,ma impotmolesc undeva la mijloc.Probabil ca durerea in sine este placere.Imi privesc lunga cana de pe calorifer si-mi vine sa plang.Ceva.

joi, 3 ianuarie 2013

Tender are these wounds

all my ghouls appear to be bluer
when the clock strikes three painful
all I wish is to feel less broken
when my bones begin to crumble under
the pillow;
how these words hurt me!
how the cold takes a deep bite
of my soul!
how I wish my letters would flow
as effortlessly marvelous
as F.Scott Fitzgerald's...
my hands are yellow,my lips are growing numb,
I want to run inside of me
and let go,let go,let go.
these tender wounds are scorching scales
of a waterless skin-
summer holds my ocean,
winter only damns it...
dying eyes,one more minute!
one more ivory sparkle
from salvation's
one more lie,one more tonight...
all my ghosts appear to be darker
when the clock smiles disassembled
on the sky's floor...

miercuri, 2 ianuarie 2013

"My life:WHY",an autobiography

I hate to sound like a whiny b*tch,but today's one of those days when an axe is never near enough.God Almighty,get me through this!
I'm just very,very,very tired.And it's what,like the second day of the year?!
I've been reading since morning (English Medieval and Renaissance Literature FTW!) and my eyes are on fire and I'm freaking out and I have about 10 exams to take and a bucketful of papers to hand in and there's not much time left to study and I don't want to fail like a tw*t and I'm going to implode and I can't breathe anymore and wow! this sentence is long,I'm going to stop now,OK.Uuugh...
I'm a damn perfectionist,which is starting to show and to kill me slowly ,but steadily.I'm aware that college will be the end of me,but,what the Hell,let's dance!Though I have a feeling I'm about to dance (read "cry my eyes out on Doctor Faustus") till 3 a.m.-simply amazing.
There's no one to blame but myself for wanting to be educated and "smart" and,apparently,more terminated than Terminator himself.
My third coffee bids you "Farewell!".If I don't make it,delete my Internet history and send my love to Mr. Poe.

marți, 1 ianuarie 2013

Starting off right

I'm leaving yesterday into the old year.This morning light is new,this coffee is sparkling like black diamonds.I'm not going to make fragile promises-instead,I'm going to take each moment at a time and grant it its rightful respect.These books are holy and sinful,this bed knows me more than I do myself.I strive to become something unexpected and marvelous and true.This mind of mine should be less crowded,these hands shouldn't shake anymore.I wish to have more answers for the questions hanging above my head.These words are all I have in reality,all that's mine,all that's me.I hope anger won't ever get the best of this soul.This lonely piece of paper will always be a blessed retreat.I'm in a strange place right now,but I'll manage somehow to make it right.These eyes grow weary by the minute,this mind grows odder by the letter.I hope to make my family proud,my friends stay and myself happy.This world is so big,this future is so vast and frightening.I wish to seek art,people,wonders.This is my home,this is my shelter.I'm cherishing today like there's no tomorrow.