vineri, 28 februarie 2014

Reward of the patient

In one way or another,college has reduced me to a (somewhat) polite animal.
I try not to groan (too much) when waking up early in the morning.Coffee and food are the only things keeping me going.I try not to hiss (with sarcasm) when teachers make me want to throw myself out the window.My screaming reduces to an internal and concealed version of itself when seeing a "gorgeous creature of the Lord".I try to form social ties by giving my friends candy and bullying them all the time.My energy levels are at an all time low around noon,when I start running out of sustenance (crackers).When a course becomes too boring,self-preservation kicks in by means of daydreaming.When "escaping" college,the opportunity of a feast (provided by my local supermarket) is not to be denied.Being alone on a Friday night means that I can eat how I want,when I want and how much I want to,provided I don't let my tears soak up the bread.With a full tummy and empty tear ducts,I can enjoy the miracle of virtual information (cat videos and music).
Though I'd rather be at home right now,tomorrow is only a night away.I will be patient.
I've become a polite animal...more or less... 

joi, 27 februarie 2014

(Almost) Lost day

soarele rasare ingamfat
atunci cand urmeaza sa pierzi ziua
cu ore goale,insirate pe o ata
care lumineaza caraghios

te pierzi in visarea
ce se naste din tacere
si-ti doresti sa ai la indemana
un radio cu glas strident

prea mult efort se prabuseste
in calea marelui Nimic
si mie-mi pare ca lumea
mi se invarte in zadar astazi

ma dor talpile cand calc,
ma doare puloverul rosu pe spate,
ma doare cand ii doare pe altii

oare porumbeii isi dau seama
ca ii urmaresc,dorindu-le
mari de paine franta
si un balcon divin din orhidee?

ma gandesc la trecut
ca la o perla,
iar eu sunt scoica-n carnea careia
firele de nisip stralucesc nostalgic

o zi ca cea de astazi
are parca un nod grosolan in mijloc

miercuri, 26 februarie 2014

Too much,not enough

I'm starting to believe I'm part of one massive joke that has everybody laughing but me.I always seem to be in some ridiculous situation or questioning my every decision made so far.Is it fair?I cannot say.Is it helpful?Maybe.Anyway,it's nice knowing I have a handful of friends who are willing to help me get through this...thing.Not knowing what to call it doesn't help at all...God,give me strength!

You may call me a downright loser,but today has marked my very first visit to a mall ever.I was,for lack of a stronger word,unimpressed because there were too many clothes and so much less excitement.But today also marked me seeing my first 3D movie (*cough cough* "The Hobbit:The Desolation of Smaug") and I'm still drunk on the awesomeness and epicness of it.It's good to have friends determined enough to drag you out of the house...

Have you ever felt so horrible as a human being that you didn't know where to hide from yourself?Because that's how I'm feeling right now.Yes,I have betrayed somebody's trust and I feel sick to my stomach about it.I don't know what's gotten into me,except sheer stupidity,maybe.And it sucks immensely-I am the only one to blame,I have no excuse,I fucked up.And I deserve all this torment...and then some.

marți, 25 februarie 2014

Slow it down!

what I need right now is
for my alarm clock to shut the fuck up
and the subway to be less nauseating
and for this building to be less gloomy
and this teacher to go away
and for my life not to be wasted
and my friends to never leave me
and for the neon lights to stop stinging
and that woman to speak more slowly
and for my hand not to let go of the pen
and to stop feeling exhausted
and for winter to go away
and this room to smell better
and for this silence to dissipate
and my bones to stop crackling
and for the clocks to slow it down
and my eyes to see more
and for this bed to stop being awful
and people to forget how to be mean
and for books to be shorter
and boys to be nicer
and for the week to be over
and my place at the home table to be filled
and for the world to cease running
and my stomach to stop wanting,
this is what I need right now

luni, 24 februarie 2014


There's no chance of me surviving this new academic semester.No way,no how.
This was my first official day back and it felt more like drowning while wanting to sleep,all at the same time.There is too much stuff to be done,there are absolutely too many demands and,as usual,there is not much time at hand.
People are so cocky and jumpy,though!As if my life revolved around accomplishing petty tasks that honestly make me want to pop my eyes out of my sockets.Unfortunately,by doing all that it asked of me,I wouldn't even have the energy to do that...
I know I willingly signed in for this "Faculty of Letters" thing,but I don't think it's physically possible to read that many books in one week.I'd need an extra pair of eyes and brain and the lot-I'd need a twin.But would she/he be so stupid as to join me here?I think not.
So I remain alone,imaginary twin or not,to battle paper-dragons and course-ghouls.I'm so drained of energy right now,you couldn't get me to run for my own life.Why would I,anyway?Don't answer that...
Tomorrow doesn't look brighter either,so I'll just have to pray and hope my mind and body won't fail me.But wishful thinking never did get me that far...

duminică, 23 februarie 2014

I'm trying

I'm trying to think about all of this as a game.
It's an unpleasant one-which kinda defeats the purpose of a "game" from the start,but one which I must nonetheless play.The rules are: there are bags to be packed,"goodbyes" to be said,trains to be caught,other cities to be visited for almost a week or so at a time.
How I hate it,I really do!Especially with all that tension which is to be expected...Good friends help in the process.So does the thought of coming back.But it all feels so pointless sometimes that I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
I've had a wonderful week to rest and gather myself around a core once more,but it seems I need years to mentally prepare myself for...whatever this is.Me trying to be better in the future by loathing the present?A chosen path?One of life's many trials?Beats me...
All I know is that I got onto the same blue train and I got to the same room and that I have the same pit in my stomach which tells me it's no good.I'm not good.
You may think I'm dramatic and overreacting,but no.The difference is that I will try to make the best of my week in one way or another.
I'm trying to think about all of this as a game...

sâmbătă, 22 februarie 2014

Future longing

It already pains me to think or try to imagine it,but I will miss beyond words all of this.The comfort,the security,the idea of being in a space that is more "me" than I am myself.
I will have to face people who know me only from a stolen glance of time,a far cry from those who have helped me grow from nothing to man.It's like a blanket of anxiety has clung to my shoulders in a moment of confusion,leaving me to stand among the ruins of a fallen pseudo-hero.
Should I break my ties or simply let the thread unwind some more kilometers?
It's hard living half-lives,with pieces of you scattered all over the place-who is to guarantee you'll ever find them again anymore?
Oh,why do I insist on spoiling my little crumb of happiness with things that might not even happen?For the future is tricky,you know-though it often overlaps with the present,there's a certain degree of chaos that might creep in at any point.Happy thoughts,happy thoughts,bucketloads of happy thoughts.
I'm still here.I still have time.I can't fully control tomorrow,so I settle for what's in front of me:a life I've always cherished somehow.I should leave this "future longing" to its rightful place.
Right now,all I have to do is breathe...

vineri, 21 februarie 2014

Domestic overdrive

Oh,how I will miss these lazy mornings in a week or so!
Why is eating in the morning so damn hard,while the urge to drink coffee has become overpowering?
I wish I had somebody to make me playlists all the time because I'm a bad influence on my emotions.
I don't mind helping people-I mind it when I'm told the same instructions ten times over,when I'm seen as incompetent,when I'm looked upon like an idiot.
I think being nice to old people is intrinsically required.
The weather is still gloomy and strong,a cursing/blessing for my out of shape lungs.
I almost forgot why I watch so many damn TV shows:because,that way,I get to live more than I've (ever) bargained for.
Advice of the day:never cook for others because you will end up stressed,depressed and silly smelling (even though you are a bit awesome at cooking).
When people ask me why I drink so much coffee,I just stare at them and sip uncomfortably out of my "mustache" mug.
I'm doing my English homework on a Friday night because my life is fabulous like that.
Watching TV with the family,"training" the cats,laughing our imaginary hats off-that's how the good life looks and feel like!
I declare a personal sense of pride in the bands I chose to obsess over.
I'm tired and sleepy and ready to conquer the world...of dreams,that is.

joi, 20 februarie 2014

Gloomy laziness

this bed smells like stale dreams
and I just can't bear to look at food
and my hands sting with menthol
and my brother sings along with me
and the windows are gray
and my feet don't want to walk
and my coffee tastes like ashes
and I woke up wanting to stay
and I only care for distant people
and my thighs are as blue as my jeans
and my George has grown so tall
and my spine can sigh in relief
and my toes look for comfort
and I'd rather not peek outside
and I'm mad at myself for being mad
and the pillows are squirming with fluff
and I'm such a child
and I should clean my room
and I've forgotten how to properly feel
and all the plants are dead
and I'm in lust with a phantasm
and this place is warm
and I'm afraid to make plans
and this movie is making me itchy
and I could drink another coffee
and this is where the page ends

miercuri, 19 februarie 2014

Red fingers

Never deny your body as many hours of sleep as it demands-even if you're left with aching bones and a bad temper.
Never force breakfast and never skip your morning coffee-you'll regret it when you're 50,but you're not that confident about reaching 50 either.
Never tell the people you love mean things,even if you're somehow right or not.
Never apologize for being in a bad mood.
Never consider you've taken enough bags when going shopping-you haven't,I can assure you of that.
Never shy away from yelling at small children who have no idea how to properly play with snow.
Never let your grandma trick you into going out.
Never follow the urge to slap random and impolite strangers on the street.
Never tell yourself "I have too many carrots at home".
Never get angry at people because of their age,issues or quirks.
Never buy so much stuff that you have to keep telling yourself that "Pain is only temporary" on the way home .
Never blame red fingers.
Never let a cursed headache ruin your afternoon,no matter how bloody much it tries to do so.
Never refuse a friend because there are moments you can never make again.
Never deny yourself an impromptu karaoke session,even if you're the only one singing.
Never tell yourself you're too old to be happy about small things.
Never say "never" because it usually maddens the Universe.

marți, 18 februarie 2014

Little adult

Not to brag or anything,but I really did feel like an adult today and a little bit more confident than usual.
Owing to that "domestic brawl" from a couple of days ago,I'm now in need of something to put my food in,right?So,with the help of my brother (and the magical place called "the Internet"),I found a local electronics store that had a (cheap) mini-bar/mini-fridge/whatever.
Though my uncle helped me with the moving around part,I handled the whole deal,which made me realize that 1. I really need to get my driver's license this summer and 2. I am a capable human being,who knew?I understand it sounds kind of pathetic,but I'm content with small steps.
Anyway,I've named it "Bubu" and (apparently) it purrs like I kitten.What I need it to do is freeze like a penguin,,but we'll get to that too...eventually.
The main idea I drew from today is that I can do things just right if I put my mind to it and,though I have the same face I had when I was 12,people do take me seriously if I demand that from them.
Of course,I wasted the rest of the afternoon sprawled beneath same comfy blankets,but being a grown up is demanding,give a girl a break here...
Unfortunately,this whole deal means a huge hole in my tattoo budget,but I'll make it right,I always do.
I guess listening to Beyoncé paid off now...

luni, 17 februarie 2014


It's too early for spring to be here,but this wind tells another story.The lake is frozen in front of me,with a dominant sun encompassing everything around in a yellowish haze.If I close my eyes,I can hear the leaves from a few forgotten trees shuffling and rustling.The air is thick and strong and my lungs are both elated and paralyzed.There's so much to take from this piece of nature,so I soak it all in.For once,something else is howling.

You don't need a lot of friends to be happy,just a handful of really good ones.Friends that will bring you divine cookies and take long walks with you and with whom you can talk about literally everything/anything.These are the people you really want to hold on to,even when it seems impossible or time looks like a monster that doesn't fit under the bed anymore.Especially when the silence between you doesn't feel uncomfortable,but meaningful.And you can only hope that they need you in return.

It's definitely not spring-I feel as if winter in its entirety has rushed to seek shelter between my brains for all eternity,unreasonable and aching as it is.It's amazingly scary how a little bit of pain can render you useless and miserable for the afternoon.And it's really scary when not even coffee can cure you...Stingy eyes,why won't you let me see?I need to see...What an impolite headache.

duminică, 16 februarie 2014

Freedom pledge

M-am hotarat:saptamana asta chiulesc de la facultate.
Presupun ca imi permit,nu-i asa?Doar mi-am mancat suficient sanatatea,nervii si creierul in mediul ala...academic.Nu,domnule,urmatoarele 5-6 zile vor fi dedicate unui egocentrism exuberant,zile in care voi bea (mult prea multa) cafea buna,ma voi plimba,voi sta in pat pana mi se vor revolta oasele si nu ma voi gandi deloc la "Literele vietii".Acesta este planul,sa speram ca ma "tine" sa ma tin de el...
Nu stiu,sunt obosita si suparata si n-am absolut niciun chef de drama pentru un timp,fie cat de scurt.Plimbarea de azi mi-a intarit aceasta convingere,mai ales ca vremea a fost superba si compania tare inteleapta.Oricum,primele zile sunt de "introducere",bibliografii,crap like that.O sa ma satur de fetele profilor un semestru intreg,asa ca nu ma stresez prea mult pentru faza asta...
Dar eu nu inteleg de ce aberez in continuare pe subiectul respectiv,in conditiile in care am un film de vazut ("Her"),mancare de mancat si pisici de mangaiat-chiar nu inteleg!
Fac un pact cu mine insami chiar acum:sa nu-mi refuz libertatea,fericirea si "rebeliunea" de cate ori am ocazia!
Si,pe aceasta nota semi-revolutionara,urmeaza sa zac precum o lenesa ce sunt intr-o stare de multumire aproape nesimtita...

sâmbătă, 15 februarie 2014

A full house

Este ciudat si placut cand se aduna toata lumea acasa intr-o zi de sambata.
Este fantastic sa te plimbi dimineata prin oras dupa maruntisuri si un cadou.
Este copilaresc si amuzant sa te bucuri atat de mult pentru niste stickere.
Este obositor sa te tot infrunti cu aerul tare de februarie.
Este greu sa astepti pana se incalzeste cum trebuie cafeaua.
Este hilar sa vezi cum se joaca pisicile cu un ghemotoc de hartie.
Este tare bine sa n-ai nimic de facut dupa atata timp in care aveai prea multe de facut.
Este aproape stupid sa ranjesti de cate ori vezi cana cu "mustata" pe birou.
Este interesant sa te "certi" cu mama prin casa si sa nu poti afisa o fata serioasa in tot timpul acesta.
Este magnific sa asculti Arctic Monkeys la maxim,fara sa-ti pese daca se vor strica bietele casti sau daca deranjezi pe cineva.
Este plictisitor sa lenevesti in pat toata dupa-amiaza,dar cineva trebuie sa o faca si pe asta,nu-i asa?
Este divin sa te scufunzi intr-un pat moale si cald.
Este delicios sa savurezi placinta de mere facuta cu drag.
Este simpatic sa te amuzi cu prietenii pe seama "idiotului" care iti distruge viata.
Este linistitor sa uiti de tine,fie numai pentru putin timp,pe muzica de fundal...
Este frumos sa ai timp sa observi frumusetea din jurul tau.

vineri, 14 februarie 2014

"Galentine's" Day

Honest to God,I cannot physically drag myself out of bed until 10 a.m.,it's ridiculous!
Having my morning coffee here is like having a nice wish come to life.
I don't mind being a big sister-actually,there are days such as this one when I wouldn't have it any other way.
Cats are giddy and disobedient and fluffy beyond control,I want 100.
Curly hair may seem like a blessing-until it's actually yours to keep and take care of.
It's lovely having friends with whom you can talk about all the crap that's been going on in your life,rant about college,roam the city streets,take pictures in the park and just laugh your sorrows away.
This February sun is being kinder than I thought it would be towards us.
I'm surrounded by witty redheads and breathtaking artists and it's amazing.
Wouldn't you know it:this "Galentine's" Day (as in "Gals",d'uh!),I got candy (for my birthday,that is,owing to the fact that,well,college life is sucky that way);nonetheless, it was awfully nice and orange-y.
I've started drinking coffee in my "mustache" mug and,let me tell you,it has never tasted wiser and more posh.
Sadly,I wasn't able to continue my tradition of watching "Pride and Prejudice" for the millionth time on this day because I'm lazy like that.
To love or not to love-unfortunately,that isn't a question anymore...

joi, 13 februarie 2014

Candy for the soul

I had to get out of the house and just do something,for fear I might actually go crazy from thinking things I shouldn't be thinking about...So,I went grocery shopping and,contrary to popular belief,it felt good.
The air was so strong and cold that my lungs seemed at the brink of weeping-whether of joy or pain,I cannot tell.Then,I got to roam aimlessly through the aisles,picking the biggest box of chocolates I could find and some other stuff,pulling faces at ridiculous prices,grinning from ear to ear when coming across a puzzle with Van Gogh's "Irises" stapled on the cover.
For the first time in a long time,I didn't care about the strangers around me and what they might think-I disconnected from my own egocentricity and became a part of something much larger,even impersonal,I might say.
Yes,I am aware that a supermarket is the less glorious place to be having an epiphany in,but you don't get to pick and choose where these things happen,you know...
And no,I don't have a Valentine's date,I just wanted to sweeten my already bitter life,is that too much to ask for?I hope not...
Anyway,I really do hope things will somehow get better.I'm longing for days when I don't have to convince myself I'm fine.
Today was alright.

miercuri, 12 februarie 2014

Drifting inside

I keep thinking about how I never properly said "Farewell!" to any of the beings that have left me so far.And I know it's silly and selfish,but I guess that's life's way of saying "You never know,you never can know"...I've buried so many loved ones inside me that I sometimes feel like a walking cemetery.It's so hard not to care,but does that brief joy outweigh what seems like a lifetime of ache?I don't have an answer for that.I'm choking on ashes once again...

I'm reading "The Fault in our Stars" probably for the third time now and I'm starting to understand how it feels to be drowning when you're nowhere near water.I know the story by heart,yet I rediscover it time and time again,more painful and raw than before...I didn't cry,though-all I could sense was the world's weight crawling inside my chest and gnawing at my insides.That's how Hazel felt.Augustus too...I don't like the sky tonight.

I'm either insane or the world around me has suddenly grown insensitive.Not to state the obvious,but I care a lot about words and how they are used-I myself don't always know how to solve their puzzle,but I try,I always try.Considering not the things that have been said to me,but how they were said,my mouth is lucky there's no gun laying around here...My brain feels like a sponge that only absorbs vile sentiments and drumming sounds...

marți, 11 februarie 2014

The hardest "goodbye!"

Today,I had to say "goodbye!" to one of my dearest friends of over 10 years,my darling dog.
I had to find out on my own because nobody had the guts to tell me he passed away on Friday.
So,I went outside and I saw his kennel drawn to the side and covered,the yard empty and silent,a heap of dirt in one corner of his place.I knew right then,though I wish to God I didn't...
My heart sank and it felt like somebody was trying to make a knot out of my lungs.
He was old and he had a good,loving life,I realize that,but...It hurts.It hurts immensely that he won't be greeting me when I come home from college anymore,that I won't see the look of happiness in his eyes when he noticed I was coming to play with him,that it's going to be so much less noise now.And I'll be damned if I won't cry my eyes and heart out today!
I'm angry.I'm furious,even raging,because I'm tired of seeing how the list of dead outweighs that of the living in my prayers's too much sadness.If this carries on,I only have one wish:that I be next.I can't keep piling up pain of any sorts,it's not worth existing this way...
I will miss him.My beloved dog, with his unstoppable,funny personality and the most ridiculous name I ever chose ("Papurică" or "Papi").My friend,please be waiting for me on the other side-I'll be looking for you!
The hardest "goodbye!" is the last and late one you offer...

luni, 10 februarie 2014

Misty glass

I don't care about falling
because we remember Icarus
not for his rising,but for his demise

I don't care about curses
because no pair of evil eyes can damn me
more than I have already done myself

I don't care about losing
because every victory of mine
is like a drop in this burning war of time

I don't care about disgrace
because nothing will ever hurt as much
as looking in the mirror

I don't care about strangers
because it's dark outside
and I'm crying against the window

I don't care about others
because love has never brought
me anything but raw heartache

I don't care about not caring
because I know deep inside
that lie I'm cradling

duminică, 9 februarie 2014

Concerned heart

I think I might be on crack without my consent.
Explanations: last night,I dreamed I had a new teacher whose face looked like it had been drawn by a 6-year-old child (seriously,that woman looked more angular than Matt Smith!).Then,I had some inappropriate dreams about another teacher (because my life is creepy like that) and,to top it all off,my morning chamomile tea made me dream about dreaming about hallucinating.That made total sense,I can guarantee you of it.
And it sucks immensely because today it was beautiful outside:the sun was brilliant,I could hear ducks by the river,the snow was melting,what a sight to see!
Me?I had to stay in,studying for an exam that's left me clawing at my eyes and sharing a room with Mrs. "Grumpy Pants".Honestly,this week has been "Hell" with a capital "H",I cannot wait to get home tomorrow,cry my soul out and sleep for 12 hours straight!I am so done with everything right now,you cannot even imagine!
"Best" part?My heart is literally aching me right now,accompanied by a nauseous sensation and a crackling back.Oh,what a joy to be me during these times!I should really see a doctor,though...
And the most ironic part of it is that the car parked outside the window has a license plate number ending in "CIL"-yeah,the only way I could be "chill" right now would be to stick my head in the freezer.Oh,wait...
Yes,sarcasm keeps me alive.I'm left with counting down the hours before I can truly say "fuck it!".

sâmbătă, 8 februarie 2014

"Do I wanna know?"

...what's going through my roommate's mind right now?Not really.I can guess it involves me dying in 1000 horrible ways,so not that pretty actually.Me?I'm sick and tired and fed up with this fucking ridiculous exam and I want to go home to the people who love me.
Yes,it has been a tiresome day:strong coffee,lazy bones,zero willingness to study,"heavy atmosphere",disturbing naps and a whole lot of candy.I keep telling myself it's only for one day more,but it feels like a "glow in the dark" eternity...
It's not a nice feeling,being hated.Because it does come through as hatred ,in all its "sighing" and "angry gestures" and "blaming eyes" glory.But I have my pride and I know I'm at least in part right.I could have handled this more diplomatically,but that's the price you pay when you don't tell people what's on your mind at the right time and place-instead of a little shake,you get a goddamn earthquake!
But I'm good,I'm fine,I'm fresh now-I cried a little earlier to let it all go a bit,it's cool now.I just have to survive tomorrow and pray that some common sense gets smacked into this world.If not,I'll have to do it myself.Now that would be a sight to see,wouldn't it?
Focus,Adriana,focus!Drink your homemade lemonade and finish your lovely song and get back to work!You'll be "crawling" back home in no time,just you wait and see...

vineri, 7 februarie 2014

Tumultuous Universe

I do believe the Universe has a way of "arranging" things somehow,I really do,but today was...surreal.And I don't know if in a good,bad or ambiguous way.
First of all,English exam in the morning-boo!,scary,I know.I think I did alright on the written part and my oral examination went just fine (receiving a "Brilliant!" at the end of it just warmed my heart!).After this,I had some stuff to do with a lovely friend,so we walked (a lot!) and chatted about pets and it was awesome.But,considering my sometimes crappy existence,something had to go haywire.
As I get to my dorm room,I notice a "cleaning action" going on.The silence continues,I put my stuff in order,the deal.It's only that some people show their true colors when they can't use you anymore-and that's the story of how I ended up with my food on the table to go bad because I'm not worth "the favor" anymore.
What should I do now,huh?"Proclaim" my drapes,my tablecloth,my broom and so on?Please,I'm not that low.
What bothers me most is that 1.she did this to do me harm and I can't understand why you would even do that in the first place and 2. I really can't take back all my "college help",which leaves me feeling a bit abused,honestly.See what I mean?!
The Universe is going through some rough times,I presume.Me?I'm fine.I'm always fine because the only way in which someone can harm you is if you let them.I'll "survive" and smile at the end-warm pickles and all!

joi, 6 februarie 2014

Bad air

Good news:I'm still alive,that headache hasn't killed me yet (though it's still persisting).Bad news:life still sucks monkey balls.
This silly and obnoxious fight was the last thing I needed before tomorrow's English exam.It's tiresome to handle all that heavy silence and all those meaningful sighs and all that childish display of...I don't know what.This air has become bad and it's smothering me.
I get it-nobody's perfect-but that doesn't mean you can't try and censor yourself,filter things twice...once in a while.I try-I don't know how much I succeed,but I try to bother as little as possible and let the other be.Well,maybe I was too permissive,because I was taken to be a fool,apparently.I'm almost laughing,to be honest!
All I want to do is be home and forget about people entirely-at least about the ones who insist on making my life a living Hell.But I have one last exam on Monday and a book to handle tomorrow and the odds are not in my favor,friends...
Luckily for me,the room was pretty much empty today,so I managed to cram in some information.Though I am tired (I'll go as far as to say I've become mentally and spiritually exhausted),I will not yield.I will stand my ground.
What you are witnessing,dears,is me becoming the bitch I should have been from the start...

miercuri, 5 februarie 2014

Mental Band-Aid

I'm mad.And I'm sad.And I'm shaking,almost crying,hanging on to my last shredded piece of sanity that's in there somewhere,I know it.
Living with a stranger can be hard,I know and understand that.We all have to make compromises so that we don't kill each other,but I think I've entered the twilight zone and I need somebody to get me out of here a.s.a.p.
How in the name of seven hells do you get all bothered by (hold on to you pants) the sound my highlighter makes against the page?Pardon the not so lady-like language,but fuck me sideways,this is ridiculous!I study visually,so I need a big ass rainbow,deal with it!
As you can imagine,this was the spark that ignited my "let me list a couple of things I don't like about your behavior around here".Short brawl,shaking everything,big silence.At least everything is out there-we'll let time decide for the rest.
But I am flabbergasted-I mean...?!?You could just tell me my presence annoys you,but the highlighter thing...Right now,I just might be the human embodiment of "what the actual fuck".
I put up with so much shit,but I don't bring it up because I don't want to cause situations like this one.But no more "nice" me because I can see now it's getting me nowhere.
God,I could use a mental Band-Aid for the splitting headache that's chewing at me right now...

marți, 4 februarie 2014

Minty madness

Don't let the title fool you,guys!It was more madness than menthol,I can assure you of that...
Ugh!Why do some mornings have to start with coffee that is hard to swallow?Why do some professors insist on providing you with a headache before handing you the proper exam subjects?And why on Earth does one solved problem turn into two more unanswerable ones?We just don't know.
Actually,I do-it's because living in the shadow of the next crappy thing to happen eventually brings that thing about.I'm mentally tired and pissed off at almost everything-it wouldn't surprise me if I went all "Hulk,smash!" on this situation at this point.
I don't know,man,it's just...All this effort for a grade?It's not about wasted time or (useless) information (though it is about that too...a little).No,it's about the mental torment that you have to go through each damn time.I mean,why should I be questioning my self-worth in this case?Am I less of a human being if I fuck up more or less?Absolutely not-on the contrary!But it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks,isn't it...
Another trip to the "intellectual gallows" awaits tomorrow.I'm running out of both candy and patience,which is pretty awful.And there's an ache inside me that no prolonged nap could cure...
College is like a mental asylum for sane people,don't let anybody tell you otherwise...

luni, 3 februarie 2014

...with a twist

You start the day off well,a little early,a little frozen,but you get where you need to be and you do what you are supposed to do.Everything goes (fairly) fine and dandy,until some "little news" basically fucks up your entire evening/night and you can almost feel it in your bones that tomorrow's exam has gone to the dogs.
And it's not even that big of a deal,you know?Totally solvable and clear (with a bit of luck).What bothered me to the point of tears (thank you for existing,chamomile tea!) was how hypocritical and low some people are when you are the one in need,not them.Top that off with others who have no filter to put on what they're saying/doing and have not gone through the dictionary as far as the word "empathy" is concerned and you'll get the picture of my very "special night".
As I was saying to some of my friends- "if I die of a stroke,know that it was because I never had the fucking guts to tell people how fucking awful they really are".Bottling up  feelings isn't good for the heart nor for your teeth.I went from seething rage to silent misery in a matter of a couple of hours and I'm utterly exhausted.
What will I ever do tomorrow?I knew my confidence wouldn't last long,it had to be a twist somewhere.That's bloody karma for you...

duminică, 2 februarie 2014

Sinking and floating

iti impingi barca sub picioare si te rogi
sa gaseasca un mal

marea te-a iubit mereu,insa tu
te-ai aruncat intr-un ocean
unde refluxul exista doar in
zgomotoasele amintiri

ti-s ochii plini cu scoici furate
de perle,
iar nisipul miroase a clepsidre
fara nume-
oare Dumnezeu ii mai iubeste pe cei
care i-au manjit chipul
cu alge?

ma scufund,ma ridic,ma trag singura
de umeri si singura ma imping
spre abis
pentru ca vreau,dar nu pot,
desi pot,nedorind

azi m-am inecat de atatea ori in mine
ca ma rog lunii
sa nu mai reinvii

sâmbătă, 1 februarie 2014

Heaven is...

Heaven is sleeping a solid 10 hours on a mattress that doesn't hate your guts.
Heaven is eating breakfast with the radio on.
Heaven is enjoying your morning coffee with a cat on your lap and an orange beside you.
Heaven is continually napping on your study materials because you want to avoid responsibilities for as long as possible.
Heaven is going outside in the yard and marveling at all the gathered snow.
Heaven is your grandmother still treating you like a child.
Heaven is talking to your friends about silly and memorable things.
Heaven is looking around the room you brought to life somehow.
Heaven is fighting with a lot of fluffy cats.
Heaven is having dinner with your family.
Heaven is realizing you know nothing and being at peace with that.
Heaven is not worrying about having another cup of coffee in the evening.
Heaven is making a cat-pillow for somebody dear to your heart.
Heaven is singing along to Arctic Monkeys and not minding who hears you.
Heaven is your brother telling you dumb jokes.
Heaven is a comfy bed.
Heaven is feeling happy.
Heaven is where you make it.