vineri, 2 septembrie 2011

I am going to die alone.

I am going to die alone.Well,not alone-alone,but with my 100 cats and 1 000 000 dreams,fantasies&co.I find it too damn hard to confide in people and let them see me "naked",with all my raw emotions revealed as they are.Establishing a relationship with another human being,a bound based on mutual trust/love/acceptance is like free falling for me:no way,no how!
When you're alone in your very own "Chamber of Secrets"(so to speak),solitude itself seems rather easy to cope with and quite confortable(Hey,after 18 full years-and then some!-I think I've learned how to handle my inner demons and other flaws.In fact,they're not that hard to tame.In the end,we actually ended up being friends...).But in real life,with people,situations,even the occasional drama...That's another story!
It's just like being a wasp that somehow(only God knows how!) lost its way and woke up in a beehive.Awkward.Ugly.Paranoid.Haunted by the feeling that it does not belong there.At some point,it becomes unbearable.
So...what do you do?What in the world do you do when you're the lost wasp?Give up?Give in?Isolate yourself in the (almost) perfect world your mind meticulously crafts with each chance it gets?Embrace what you are given,even though you know in the back of your mind that you'll never fit in?
I am the goddamn wasp.I am going to die alone.I feel like an outcast.I am an outcast.I am going to waste my entire life thinking and believing with all my warm,beating heart that I am not good enough and I will never be good enough.Ever.
Guess I'd better start adopting some cats.After all,100 is quite a handful!
Oh,what the Hell...

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