joi, 28 februarie 2013

Bound in heartbeats

whether of love or of fear,
the heart beats the same.
confined within the bounds
of a scarlet-tainted chamber,
our lives depend solely
on that revolutionary movement-
intoxicating as it may seem,
we're imprisoned by our own dreams
of reality,beyond it and in between
these realms of uncertain certainty...
the beastly beat that knocks
my chest
when peril strikes me as a ghost
bears resonance no different from
the one set aside for lovers
or familiar ghouls...
a pounding mightier than all philosophy
brings me to my knees
in the most organic sense of it all:
no beat-no breath.
no breath-no love.
no love-a fall...
I mustn't fall,but cling to this
crimson machine
with all I've got,
with all I can conjure,
with all my heart.
with all my heart.

miercuri, 27 februarie 2013

Tongue tied in knots

It's funny and occasionally awkward when people seem to be under the impression that you're plain stupid instead of shy.
Well...Though I may not be a genius in the making or the first woman to walk on Mars,I know what I know,even if it's not all that much.
But to come and tell me I'm bad at something I'm otherwise good at only shows me how much I need to overcome my social anxieties,fear of attention and other such related issues.
I don't know whether to cry or laugh,to be honest!It seems too damn easy to just shut your mouth,smile and "be pretty" when put in situations involving lots of people,judgment and your personal image as a subject of scrutiny.Maybe all those things are demons dwelling merely in my head,but it's a hard feeling to shake off,man!Really hard...
It bothers me,though.It bothers me because I'm the type of person you can make or break with one word or gesture.My happiness/misery literally depends on a fragile balance between self-worth (hahahaha NO) and how I believe others to perceive me.
The more I write ,the more fucked up this sounds.I always knew reality is a bitch,this comes only as a reassurance.I have to somehow untie the knots in my tongue,calm down my heart and stop being so self-centered.Easy enough,right?Easier said than done,anyhow.At least it's not taking the ring to Mordor...
or is it?

marți, 26 februarie 2013

Rosebud headache

that tiny man inside my head
is at it again-
pounding like a swollen clock,
creeping inside my hidden thoughts
and messing with those forgotten
of yesterday.
I haven't done him wrong,
yet he keeps insisting on
mushing my all
into a ball of pain and memories and hurt
patches that don't fit anymore...
nothing feels real,
nothing makes me feel alive
these days,
I might be dead,but my pulse
says the exact opposite-
silly man,you're so stubborn and vain!
a rosebud headache is blossoming
inside this skull of mine
in a time before spring's dawn-
I feel dizzy and surreal,
trapped beneath the dots
of a negative photograph...
that tiny man inside my head
is slowly digging up a grave...

luni, 25 februarie 2013

Static journey

I've never been much of a big fan of loud mornings,but...c'est la vie!C'est la guerre!C'est too much Les Mis,that's for sure!Actually,it might be too much living in common.Sacrifices must be made,nevertheless.Nevertheless...
I always seem to dress for other girls' eyes,think for other boys' minds and never consider what my true self wants.Fuck it.I'm gonna go all Julius Caesar&Elvis on this!
As fate would have it,you're feeding my hopeless hopes...again.It's not nice and it's not considerate.Let me be.I'm worthless as it is,let alone engulfed in some weird concoction of emotion and hormones.I refuse to believe this situation is even real.NO.Just no.Go away.Shu!
Mustaches are quite a funny thing,aren't they?My father has one.My uncle has one.The boy sitting across from me in the library has one.I should grow a mustache too.Hmmm...
It will never cease to amaze me how much you can travel and think and explore and imagine and so much more while reading a book.Even if the said book is dull as fudge.
I hate headaches.I hate this place.I hate this.
I'm tired of wanting a perfect scenario,building it in my head to the very last detail and for it to obviously not come true.Welcome to my life!
It's sad that my only relief now is sleep.Really sad.Ridiculously sad.Oh,well...

duminică, 24 februarie 2013

I don't know

Do you ever feel like just...screaming?Till your lungs collapse,till your voice fades away,till your face turns blue?I just...I just feel like doing so sometimes.Once in a while.Now.
It all seems so vain and pointless that I cannot even compute the reality of it all.Nor do I think I want to! Imagine understanding the feeble nature of our existence with every fiber of your being-I shudder at the mere thought of that foolish pursuit.
But these sort of experiences leave me pondering-how much?How much longer till I snap?What if I won't be able to get back together?What if there won't be anybody to mend me?What if it's all a joke and nobody feels like laughing anymore?
So I escape.How I can and as much as I can.A few minutes,a few hours,a few days at a time.Still,there's always that trigger,that seemingly innocent smirk of the world that says "Tick-tock,there goes the clock...".
I see this shell as being so tired and broken at times that I could just laugh myself to death.You know,faulty wiring...
Other times,I forget about the things that make me sad and a wave of bliss swallows me up-then,I can almost grasp the void howling and churning in the middle of my chest,between my breasts,inside my heart.Again,faulty wiring.
I'm not ungrateful,not even mad.I'm confused because I don't know how to deal with these nameless emotions that always seem to spoil a verging on perfection scenario.
I don't know,I don't know,I don't know.

sâmbătă, 23 februarie 2013

Wires and fires

Ceea ce este cu adevarat trist la mine...Nu,n-am inceput bine,zici ca sunt un psiholog blazat din secolul trecut.Sunt o fata de 20 de ani,ce naiba!Wow...Am 20 de ani.Mi se pare ca am ramas cu mintea pe la 17-18 si cu inima la 6-7,dar nu despre asta vreau sa vorbesc.
Pe scurt: nu ma inteleg.Trec prin niste stari si niste sentimente si niste...valuri de sange cald atat de bizare si atat de incapatanate incat mi-e si groaza sa incerc sa mi le explic.
Mi-au revenit cosmarurile.Nu am mai ascultat sfatul tatuajului de nu stiu cat timp.Am ajuns sa ma autoanalizez cu acuratetea si cu cinismul unuia care iti aminteste de sarmanii copii din Africa tocmai atunci cand te asezi si tu ca omul la masa.Uneori,nici nu-mi dau seama daca am un inger si un demon pe fiecare umar sau doar doua gheare mari ale diavolului ce de-abia asteapta to fuck me over.
Ma intreb cateodata de ce nu ma iubesc.Sau de ce nu ma iubesc suficient cat sa nu ma torturez sistematic.Nu-i nimic iremediabil in neregula cu mine.De exemplu,n-am fruntea albastra.Ador pisicile si plimbarile lungi pe plaja.Sunt genul de fata care se bucura atunci cand isi cumpara o noua masina de cusut si care de-abia asteapta sa se apuce de (re)facut haine.Ori care ii toarna cafeaua bunicii din ibric in cana si-si pastreaza si ea o portie.
Pentru numele lui Dumnezeu,sunt un om relativ bun!De ce?!De ce nu pot sa ma las sa fiu fericita?De ce?De ce?De ce...
Stau pe un foc ce ma cuprinde de la unghia mare a piciorului drept pana la firul alb vopsit acum in violet din crestetul capului.
Stiu ca n-am nevoie de fiu salvata,insa putin ajutor n-ar strica deloc.

vineri, 22 februarie 2013

Husky blanket

M-a terminat saptamana asta pe mine.Nu atat de mult fizic-nu,nu,am dormit,am mancat,m-am ocupat sistematic de inlocuirea sangelui din organism cu suficienta cafea si pot sa spun cu mandrie ca sunt cu serialele "la zi".Bine,ultima parte nu prea are legatura cu "fizicul" propriu-zis,dar sa zicem ca merge.Cu "pisicul" (aka "psihicul) mi-a fost mie mai greu.
Vedeti voi,e cam nasol sa sari dintr-un pat de vacanta plin de pisici,lene si casa intr-unul cu alarme,cursuri si responsabilitati.Asa ca ziua de vineri nici ca putea sa soseasca mai devreme!Iar o sa devina singurul meu scop al saptamanii,dar nici ca-mi pasa!
Sa ma stiu in drum spre locul unde mi-e cu adevarat bine.Sa-l vad pe tati in gara,zambitor si "pufos" ( familia Petrescu e solida si mandra,OK?OK.).Sa stau la locul meu la masa.Sa ma plang de viata in camera mea.Sa ma ghemuiesc in patul alor mei,cu patura cea albastra si cu model de trei husky pe ea "aruncata" peste mine,sa radem pana la lacrimi uitandu-ne la "Romanii au talent".
Par lucruri triviale,nu-i asa?Poate ca sunt.Poate ca am ramas un copil mare si dependent,sensibil la toate schimbarile ce m-au intampinat pana acum.La naiba,poate sunt eu prea simpla si sentimentala!Sunt toate scenarii la fel de plauzibile.Dar asta nu inseamna ca ce simt eu nu este adevarat si pur si frumos.
Setea de a te intoarce la radacini.Fervoarea din sange.Calmul unui peisaj familiar.
Eu nu pot sa ma scindez si sa las o bucata "aici" si alta "acolo"-stiu unde apartin,stiu unde mi-e casa.Este viata mult prea scurta si de rahat ca sa-mi fie rusine sa-mi pretuiesc valorile.
Macar de-as avea cuvinte sa explic legatura dintre cap,inima si coltul meu de Paradis disfunctional.
Poate maine.

P.S. Am vazut un baiat ataaat de frumos astazi in metrou-inca nu mi-am revenit.Nici nu cred ca o sa-mi revin vreodata.Clar-exista Dumnezeu si creatia Lui e MI-NU-NA-TA!

joi, 21 februarie 2013

Itchy bones

my roots are on fire and I desire
to escape,to collapse,to relapse
into that state of being
with no name
and no melancholia...
itchy bones,
crawling skin,
bloody meat-
to S C R E A M from the top of my lungs
that I don't belong,
I don't belong here!
how I long to fall
into somebody else's arms
for once...
I keep clutching to these lies
day by day,
empty hour by hour,
if only to soothe a soul
sunk into perdition
and damned to love
a feeble monster...
lost space and void time-
blissful youth,how I misspend you!
Lucifer's crackling in the distance
and I'm too numb to prove him

miercuri, 20 februarie 2013

Hellish nights and heavenly days

Have you ever seen a puppy squirming and crying because of bad dreams?Well,I'm either turning into a dog or my nightmares have gotten to the point where mental abuse isn't enough-they have to go for the body too!I woke up today...God,I wish there were a word to accurately describe it!Let's say I greeted reality with a short cry,wide open eyes and a pounding heart.It wasn't cute,it wasn't fluffy,it wasn't adorable-it was hellish!You know it's bad when you can't escape your demons,not even while sleeping...

Friends cancel plans,but a good meal can remind you of your sweet home.You never seem to have the right clothes to wear,but a good hair day can make it all better.People always seem to have that one quirk that just pisses you off,but,one deep breath and lovely song later,everything is on the right track once again.I guess things have a way of balancing themselves in the end.Even so,I can't help but wonder whether the last piece of my domino is going to be black or white...

What I don't like about "love" sometimes is that I tend to mistake it for "infatuation".I know I don't love him,but I often find myself all wrapped up in this perfect and highly improbable scenario where...Damn it,why can't we just make it on our own?Life would be so much easier.Love makes you stupid.Love drives you blind.Love sucks till the end of suck.And infatuation is a billion times worse...

marți, 19 februarie 2013

Stranger than college

It's the same,yet completely different.
This class reminds me of sunflowers,yet the walls bring back the picture of an imaginary asylum.
Cold piercing through your bones,churning your eyes,scratching your feet.
If patience is actually a virtue,then I'm damned to fall right into the hands of Lucifer himself.
I guess I like sitting in corners because it's a place where I can observe and be seemingly invisible at the same time.
Glimpses of interest drown in a biological state that screams to escape and longs to forget.
Time,thou art a heartless bitch!Too hurried when I need you and painfully slow when speed is of the essence for my mental sanity.
Almost five months of "living" in this city and I have practically never went past my back corner-pathetic,but true.
My hands are blue and my feet are drowsy and my eyes are misty and my mind is elsewhere.
What do you do when it feels like you can no longer bear with it all?
"Home" isn't the word to describe it,but it'll have to do...
No wonder my nightmares are back-it's too much to handle at once...

luni, 18 februarie 2013

Blue jeans,black shirt

Peculiar dreams.Rude awakening.Angry sheets.Warm coffee.Purple eyelids.Aimless wandering.Silly worries.New jeans.Old habits.Excited feet.Rainbow clothes.Morning call.Subway routine.Early recollections with a redhead.Not here.Nice people.Cautious perspectives.Same old spot.Smothered words.Baby headache.Sprouting opinions.Crappy grade.Sunken heart.Fleeting comfort.Shadowy queue.Bluish look.Food for the body and food for thought.Distant worlds from behind a screen.Tiresome memories.Chapped red nails.Words as a means of escaping.Stupid explanations.Black chair.Blunt bones.Unjustified fears.The need for a smoke.The unknown future of tomorrow.Damaging routine.Dead bugs on the hallway.Wanting to go home.Lack of love.Running hours.Night call.Coffee as a form of oblivion and relief.Nothing to think about,nothing to say.Music to make the heart weep.Dry eyes.Fuchsia bathrobe.Hot redemption.Tingling skin.Numb memories.Blank stare.Unfiltered emotions.Confused everything.Bed crumbs.Flat pillows.Void prayers.Troubled head.

duminică, 17 februarie 2013

Uncomfortably numb

Do you ever get the feeling there's no use in even getting out of bed?That,no matter what you do,something is bound to go wrong?That you just suck at living?Because I do and this is one of those days.
Going back to the college routine and leaving my home routine and adopting the plain "what-the-Hell-is-wrong-with-me" routine just isn't my cup of tea right now.After a lovely week,how do you expect me to willingly do this horrible thing?It's the same as asking a fish to skip a few million years of evolution and climb a freaking tree.Yes,this is an Internet reference thing,I am aware of that,I don't care,let me have my fish and tree analogy!
I feel numb.Like physically unable to agree with this situation and ready to clutch to whatever I have to in order not to...start over again.
I want summer.Actually,I want last summer.God,these are some words I never thought I'd say-EVER!But it's true and honest and please spare me the misery of it all!
I'm a child,I know,I agree.And that's what I'm always going to be-a child thriving on glimpses of happiness,on memories,on empirical recollections found at the bottom of a coffee cup and in homemade food.
I'm so ready to throw a tantrum scene right now that it's not even funny!Good God,I'm so silly sometimes!If only I could sleep and wake up happy,to a scenario where I didn't have to fear my own role...

sâmbătă, 16 februarie 2013

Walking and walking

you've seen me once,you've seen my all-
silly eyes,dirty boots,the way in which
I nibble my lips and awkwardly sway
my hips-a patched up work of art
that catches your eyes,but seldom
your heart.

I like to walk-it's so simple,yet
so raw-one foot in front
of the other,a miracle in the making,
a way to get lost in thought,
to simply get lost...

there's days when I have to count
to 10 in order for my feet
to obey and my heart
to slow down and my mind
to stop projecting funerals and
pain and plain loneliness on
a white screen behind my
it's OK,it's OK,it's all OK...
it's OK to not get what you want,
like a dress or a kiss or a life
alike something that would've
come from Van Gogh's hands.

you've seen me once,you've seen my all-
hazel stare,bluish hands,the way in which
I struggle with my mind and painfully smother
my thoughts-a peculiar little creature
that you might like,but fail
to understand.

vineri, 15 februarie 2013

One more cup of coffee...

as I slide between these sheets,
my skin turns to ivory scales
and my mind craves summer
like a conscious lizard
trapped inside winter's labyrinth-
one more cup of coffee to get
me through the day...
to do,to help,to lie
that you can be Superwoman,
even though your flesh
is melting under your eyes-
one more cup of coffee to soothe
this frail body,this absent mind...
I'll bite my tongue
and I'll say I'm wrong
because I know how this peculiar,
demonic world works-
one more cup of coffee to show me
we can all get along...
as I build a nest
of warm blankets and lies,
my body finds comfort
and my spirit runs wild-
one more cup of coffee before we glide
into the night...

joi, 14 februarie 2013

Valentine's prey

I don't get it,man.Why bash on somebody else's love just because you're single or miserable or both?It doesn't seem fair,it really doesn't.
I agree,the day has become a weapon of consumerism propaganda and false emotion,wrapped up in a box,stapled to a fuzzy teddy bear and exported all around the world,but...
But it's also about remembering we all have a heart and it couldn't hurt anybody if we'd use it more often.Showing your true feelings,saying "I love you!"-it's hard as Hell,believe me,I'm the first to jump in that bandwagon!
I also understand that time is this unpredictable thing and that it is a lot useful to show our love,rather than simply declare it.How?By becoming kinder,calmer,better.True,words help sometimes-but doesn't action speak louder than words?I would presume so.
I didn't get roses or candy or a kiss today-even so,I'm grand.And I'm also happy for those who had the sappiest,most stereotypical Valentine's Day ever.This world needs love and,in the end,it doesn't matter in which shape or form it comes.
So,make the moment count,share a cookie with somebody lovely and smile!You deserve it!

miercuri, 13 februarie 2013

Catching up

Mi-era dor de asta.Mi-era dor sa dorm mult,sa mananc mult (si bine!),sa ma bucur de atatea lucruri frumoase fara sa ma simt vinovata.
Am pierdut prea mult timp crezand ca placerea personala reduce productivitatea sau ca "lucrurile mici" le submineaza pe cele "mari".De unde,era pe dos!Cum sa fiu eu cea mai buna varianta a mea daca nu invat?Si nu ma refer doar la carti aici,ci la toate formele de arta,viata,creatie.
Am inteles cum sa observ dintr-un serial.Mi-am insusit un buchet de culori dintr-un tablou.Am plans viata si moartea pe o melodie data la maxim.Dar am trait in egala masura cu bocancii plini de noroi si plamanii captusiti cu ger.
Absorb cata informatie pot,in toate modurile posibile.Mi-e drag sa ma stiu in fata laptopului,cu o cana de cafea fierbinte in mana si cu mintea in alte lumi.Mi-e drag sa umblu cu rost,chiar si atunci cand pare ca ratacesc.Mi-e drag sa fiu activa in trup si suflet-concomitent,pe rand,nu conteaza!Conteaza faptul ca nimic nu e in zadar.
Asa ca o sa profit de vacanta asta sa ma pun la curent cu lumea,fie ca e vorba de cea din spatele unui ecran,fie de cea mai reala decat realitatea.

marți, 12 februarie 2013

Changing girls

Drowsy sheets.Crackling bones.Hot plate.Dirty coffee cup.Silly laughs.Cats with wet paws and sparkling eyes.Bad decisions,good decisions.Lavender clothes.Room gliding and heart beating.Dumb fears.Sweet perfume.Gray waist.Cold hands.Familiar streets.Perfect friends.Unexpected reactions and radiant smiles.Old habits that (thank God!) die hard.White and fluffy coat.Stories about the past,stories in the making.Smoky wood and uncomfortable guests.Colorful coffee and plaid shirts.Strangers passing among sunny and falling snow.Darling auburn hair.Childish laughs.Moving mouths and catching up with each other's lives.Unexpected acquaintances and purple revelations.Frozen hands and worn out paths.Saying "goodbye!",saying it for just a while.Gifts that shine and roads that glisten.A green fence and five furry angels.Fine food and a yellow mug of black poison.People I'll never meet,people that make me wonder about the world.Lion blanket and background stories.All the souls I love under one roof and the feeling of absolution within grasp.Blue night,golden music.Sleepy sheets.Sweet dreams!

luni, 11 februarie 2013

Purple pixie

It's a peculiar feeling,to be perfectly honest.A concoction of freedom and relief,with a tinge of uncertainty.I've been wanting to have my hair short for quite a while now and I'm not the type to weep over silly things,that's for sure!So,naturally,I don't understand why people keep expecting me to regret my decision or something of such sorts.Dudes,I now look like a purple pixie and I love it!For once in my life,I can feel the wind blowing at the back of my neck and it's thrilling!I can't wait to surprise some friends,man!Can't wait...

I'm grateful for days like this,when I can go shopping alongside mom without us wanting to kill each other.I've always been a "daddy's girl",so you can understand why I find this mother-daughter relationship a tad hard to balance.But the last few months have taught us both a lesson in tolerance,distance and time.As a result,we're trying harder and,sometimes,we end up succeeding.

The more movies I see,the more I fall in love with the mechanisms behind them.The more music I listen to,the more I believe it to be some sort of divine,extraterrestrial form of communication.The more books I read,the more I become at peace with my decisions and destiny.The more I give in to art,the more it feels just right.

duminică, 10 februarie 2013

Liberation at its finest

no gloomy walls,
no chocking air,
no spider web ropes to bind
my hands to my legs-
I'm free and freedom
has no name...
we're all so buried in our own
misguided thoughts
about light and darkness,
scared to let the world go
and find
liberation at its finest...
I'll rip my dress!
I'll cut my hair!
I'll scream and shout and yell!
I'll be the negative
photograph of your prefabricated shell-
know why?
because I'm unwilling to let you shape me
without my consent.
no dark clouds,
no damp eyes,
no misty sounds-
it's a beacon of spring
before winter's dawn...

sâmbătă, 9 februarie 2013

The perks of doing nothing all day

  • you get to sleep until somebody has to physically drag you out of bed
  • breakfast is homemade,delicious and prepared by somebody else (love you,mom!)
  • coffee becomes something delightful once again and cats reclaim their "best friend" status
  • catching up on TV shows and watching a myriad of movies doesn't make you feel guilty,but relieved and happy
  • nobody questions why you're walking around the house all day long,enjoying the space you've got at your disposal and thriving on small things
  • when you discover amazing music,you can fangirl without people questioning your mental sanity (because you're in the comfort of your own home and your family already knows you're "cray-cray")
  • your heart is untroubled,your feet are up high on a pillow and your mind is in a fantasy world of its own
  • you can effortlessly do whatever you want because you deserve it
  • counting blessings and living in the moment-certainty,not fantasy 

vineri, 8 februarie 2013

It is done!

Stiti cum arata inteligenta intruchipata?Like this bad baby right here!Altfel nu pot sa-mi explic brilianta idee de a face o cafea la 12 dimineata/noaptea (tricky hour,man) cu 3 lingurite PLINE de ness intr-o cana mare de Milka.Ce mi-am zis atunci in sinea mea-"Frate,e ultimul examen,e relativ usor,merita efortul!".Mda...MNU.Cred ca am facut de atunci un mini atac de cord- serios,stateam pe pat si-mi auzeam ecoul inimii in ARCURI!Inca imi tremura mainile si de stomac nici nu mai pomenesc!Sunt o idioata,stiu,stiu.Dar nu pot sa inteleg asta pe deplin pentru ca sunt inca hiperactiva.Daca nu ma credeti ca a fost o miscare tembela,here's a fun fact: cafeaua aia MI-A PATAT CANA! I rest my case.And my sanity.Nu ma inteleg uneori,ma jur...

In alta ordine de idei,am terminat cu sesiunea!Sunt acasa,hranita bine,inconjurata de pisici,afectiune si imagini familiare,lucrurile si momentele pentru care am "luptat" vajnic.Nu-mi doresc decat sa dorm bine in patul meu,sa-mi iasa odata cafeaua aia draceasca din sistem si sa lenevesc divin toata vacanta!Merit,nu-i asa?Fara falsa modestie,eu cred ca da.Merit deoarece am tras de mine toate saptamanile astea (sa fac o figura "frumoasa") pana mi-a dat (literalmente) sangele pe nas.Acum ca v-am facut pofta de mancare,e momentul sa ma retrag in paradisul meu domestic.It is done!

joi, 7 februarie 2013

Something old,something new

I've been here before,dressed
in these clothes,clutching to these feelings,
looking merely like a fleshy shadow...
it's funny how knowledge
makes you frail and less worthy
of those golden coated letters-
I fail to see power where perdition
is present...
my back is damp from running
and my lips are chapped
beyond repair-
there's a warehouse outside this window,
all empty and invisibly ablaze,
almost like a mirror of
my own gaze...
I seem to be caught in between
a sheltered mind
and a crackling hand,
damned and cursed and happy and free-
weary soul!
weary feet...
there's a thief around the corner
of my being
and it bears a familiar name-
something old,
something new,
will this game ever
not be in vain?

miercuri, 6 februarie 2013

"Fear and loathing"

...and I'd let my soles sweep the floor
a thousand times before embracing
the pen,
the paper,
my insufficient soul.
...and I'd crawl inside myself
between drowsy sunrises and dirty
coffee mugs,
among deserted tears,
hallow feelings,
blurry memories.
...and I'd tease my skin
for being so thin
and bruise-worthy,
folding pages,
cracking noses,
collecting blood drops off the floor.
...and I'd let my demons
get the best of me,
my sanity,
my toes,
my featherless wings.
...and I'd curse the future
a thousand times more,
for more...

marți, 5 februarie 2013

Long walks and sleepy papers

I've forgotten how good it feels to sleep until your bones ache and your pillow looks as if it had been in a dragon's layer (pun intended).Seriously thinking about adopting this lifestyle over the break.Seriously...

I should really start studying again, I'm all out of willpower and determination and motivation.Son of a...

Supermarkets must be really fun when you're not  a wobbling elephant in which concerns coordination and attention span.I usually go there for the food and end up staying a while longer for the people and the music.Mostly the people,though-seeing,deducing,undressing mental patterns,buried issues,little bits and pieces that tend to a bigger puzzle.Obviously,I watch way too much TV.Obviously...

I don't like him,though.He's sweet and cute,but no.My mind's not there-well,my mind is not anywhere right now,but that's not the point.You know what is the most exhilarating and the saddest thing about my heart right now?It doesn't have a crush on anybody.Blessing or disguised burden?Can't tell,man,can't tell.

So,I've fallen asleep with books on my face a few times,almost wept when I bought fresh bread (damn you,"Les Mis"!) and wallowed in my pathetic love life- productive day,I reckon.Productive day.

luni, 4 februarie 2013

Pinch me!

HOLY BATMAN ON A STICK! I am so damn happy that I just might puke!After an almost sleepless night,hellish hours of studying and an apparently "out-of-body" experience,I can only say I've passed one of my hardest exams with freaking flying colors!Man,it was worth it!All the insecurities and doubts and crimson tissues!Know why?Because I can now look back,point and proudly say "I did that,even though I thought I could never do it in a million years!".As small of a feat as it is,I'm very proud of myself.And I'm going to treat this self to an entire afternoon of doing absolutely NOTHING.Once in a while,happiness can be found even in the cruelest of trials.

HOLY MUSICAL BATMAN! (reference intended)-Fall Out Boy is back!OK,they were technically only on hiatus,but who cares about that anymore?The new tune is sick and I can't wait to hear their new album and asdfghjkl!Before you go around all disgusted and "emo" labeling,just know this-the band is wicked and nothing can change my mind about it.So suck a lollipop and be happy for them like the rest of the world!"Light 'em up,up,up"!

HOLY BATMAN ON AN ADVENTURE! I've just seen "The Hobbit" and all I can say is that I'm hooked!Maybe it's the candy talking for me,but I got all excited and emotional and attached to those crazy dwarves!And hobbit,naturally!And wizard.The orcs weren't bad either...Anyhow,the perfect ending for a perfectly weird perfect day!

duminică, 3 februarie 2013

Road to Hell

I don't ever want to feel like this...Broken.Sad.Irretrievably hallow.I fear my own incompetency as much as I do success.It feels as if my brain is being pumped with bad adrenaline and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm surrounded by bloody tissues,crumpled paper and weary silence-when did I sign up for this?To whom did I wrongfully sell my soul?
"It's a stupid exam,get over yourself!"-I know,I know.You're absolutely right and I wish I knew how to listen.But...I'm crappy when it comes to speaking and charming,as I am with most human interaction.Do you see the issue now?
I never fully understood my anxiety up until today-because,as silly as it may seem,my fear is real and here and overpowering.
Jesus,this is so stupid!How am I ever going to deal with my life?Every challenge of such sorts appears to be a very unique road to Hell,one which I pave for myself each time.
I'm trying,I really am.But,you see,this is why I write-because I'd rather have my hands covered in ink than my mouth with sounds.Because people sometimes scare me and I usually tend to scare them away.Because I'm afraid of not being good enough,"perfect" enough.
I hope a little bit of self-inflicted courage,alongside a little bit of sleep,will help.Otherwise...
I'm good.I'm grand.See you on the other side!

sâmbătă, 2 februarie 2013

Talking to the ceiling

I have these moments when I need motivation more than air itself.Something to keep me focused,something to keep me from sticking my mental hands into every possible problem.So I call home and talk till my battery is almost dead,I drink insane amounts of coffee,I pace back and forth in an attempt to make this wicked room look bigger (which,naturally,doesn't work).I rarely forget my state of being,only to rapidly (and painfully) remember it all.Sleep,don't tempt me!You could become my downfall...

On the one hand,I love studying.On the other hand,I loathe studying.This paradox is less "Doctor Who" and more "kill me now" worthy than it should be.If I could,I'd cry for myself.

Do you ever get these pangs in your chest when you have the blackest of revelations?When you suddenly realize you'll probably have to bury your mother,your father,your grandparents and probably some friends?When you understand that the sole purpose of life is death?When you're covered in tears at the thought of the absurdity of it all?I hate myself for having moments like this.For hitting my temples to stop them from imagining those things.For feeling so damn alone and broken.I don't understand anything anymore...

I can't find comfort,not even when talking to the ceiling.A bed,a prayer,a way to forget and not feel...

vineri, 1 februarie 2013


there's a flood that can't be tamed when
scarlet velvet gushes from your core
like a liquid bouquet of despair.
the day is different,but the feeling remains the same:
rust and crimson,crimson and rust,
dripping and pushing and staining
every last inch of your soul.
if anything,one could contemplate the irony
of so many revived white sheets-
but it's rather improbable to seek philosophy
where something more flesh-bound
is damaging and real...
my fingers never looked so honest!
my lips-never so pure!
underneath this burning canvas,I am cleansed
and serene and ready to fall wherever
the road shall pin me!
at the back of my throat,there lies a memory
of damp handkerchiefs,familiar beds
and the image of a carnal dam being released:
if only I could trade my
celluloid Hell and verging disbelief
for this!
who knew I could cause so much damage to
my own forgotten mechanism?
to love,to laugh,to not care-
that's the crib of
my palms are red,
my arch is an enemy,
my everything is weakened...