Neverending story!

Asa e!Liceul e o lume in sine,cu reguli scrise si nescrise,cu lideri si supusi,cu nenorociri si minuni de trei zile."Problemele existentiale" au o relevanta discutabila,de la "De ce tocmai azi a trebuit sa-mi iasa un cos pe nas?" la "S-a uitat oare la mine baiatul ala dragut?" la si mai plauzibilul "Ma asculta iar aia/ala la...!".

Chiar daca de multe ori e privita superficial si prin prisma a nu stiu cate clisee,viata de licean nu-i tot timpul o plimbare prin parc.Eu ma simt ca intr-o gara:stau pe un peron,asteptand in frig,ploaie,intuneric si lumina un tren care nu mai vine parca,in acelasi timp "luptandu-ma" cu mult prea multi alti calatori pentru un bilet mai ieftin si un loc mai bun in acelasi timp catre destinatia "Viitor".

Raspunsurile nu ti le ofera nimeni-daca la un test mai te uiti la copiuta lipita sub fusta putin mai lunga decat de obicei sau la o ascultare te mai bazezi pe colega/colegul bine ascuns(a) de privirile dibace,cum sa te descurci in perioada asta de tranzitie nu-ti spune nimeni in mod exact.Din pacate,nu exista un manual de utilizare.

Liceul,pentru mine,e o proba.INCA o proba.Trebuie sa trec de fiecare zi ticsita cu griji si teme si proiecte si goana dupa note,in acelasi timp incercand sa pastrez informatiile care simt ca o sa-mi foloseasca,dragi sufletului si hranitoare mintii.Plus ca nu cred ca trece-o zi in care sa nu ma simt ciudata,incomfortabil privita de ochi reali si invizibili,criticata,"bagata" in niste tipare pe care-am invatat sa le urasc din experienta.Poate sunt eu paranoica,dar asa ma simt.Cateodata e mai bine,cateodata....deloc.

Am incredere doar in mine,uneori nici privilegiul asta nu mi-l acord.Nu dramatizez,nu indulcesc,nu maschez.Realitatea,paradoxal,ca si minciuna,mereu isi croieste un loc la suprafata evidenta.

Azi am invatat ceva,din nou lectia imi este adusa in fata ochilor:totul are un rost si ce nu te omoara doar te face mai puternic.Inseamna ca pana la sfarsit o sa fiu o nemuritoare invincibila daca o tin in ritmul asta...

"Into this house we're born,into this world we're thrown..."

Closer to the edge!

There are people that just make you wanna take a chance,plunge into nothing with a big grin painted on your face and not give a damn about everything/everybody else.And you don't even have to know these guys!

I woke up cursing and I have a slight feeling that I'm gonna go to bed doing the same thing (unfortunately!).But in between these moments I'm so going to believe that the world is mine and I can conquer ALL:dreams,fears,people,beasts,the sun and sea,the infinite sky and my own being!I might be going insane,but I'd have it like this each and every single day of my life!I wanna open the door and yell until my lungs turn to dust:"NO!NO!NO!I will never...".What?Forget,regret,lie to myself,become what others want me to be instead of staying true to myself,betray a friend,stop loving,hate my life and so on.I'll say shallow words and they'll come as sons and daughters of anger,pain,stupidity.The moment I take the above seriously,I'm gonna hold my breath until my brain recovers from the temporary insanity.Screw it all,life is HERE and LOUD and ...WOW!I'm such an idiot for not making the best out of every second I am given.

 

I'm not gonna bow my head and I'm not gonna take it anymore!I might be living for nothing and dying in vain,but at least it's gonna be one hell of a ride!

LIVE!LIVE!LIVE!

Mixed feelings

Astazi

Mi-am luat toate sentimentele si le-am pus intr-un pahar.

Am turnat cerneala si-am asteptat.

Ce?

Sa se scrie singure.

Eu nu mai pot...

Caruselul e amuzant pana cand ametesti,interiorul

Fiintei ti se innoada ca un sarpe nestavilit

Iar mintea se desira in urma ta fara cantec.

Nu vreau sa mai trec de la agonie la extaz

Si de la extaz la agonie

In decursul unei singure ore.De 24 de ori pe zi.

Nu.

Din pura neatentie,am aruncat o lingurita in paharul cu pricina.

De argint.

Mi-a amestecat inima cu mintea de nenumarate ori spre dreapta,

Spre stanga,in sus,si-n jos,in toate directiile.

Rezultatul?Paharul a cedat...

Au ricosat progeniturile

Unui amalgam tulburat

Spre orizontul mereu luminos:

N-am ce schimba,asta e existenta mea...

Ori ma impac,ori...nu-i soluatia "ba".

Ma intalnesc lucida cu prezentul,

Chiar daca el mi se arata incert...

Am adunat cioburile manjite cu sange albastru ,

Punandu-le intr-un mozaic graitor in rama sufletului

Nemuritor...

Roboti cu suflet

 

Liniste.Liniste.Si mai multa liniste.
In camera domneste o atmosfera de inmormantare prelungita,
Cu ecouri largi de ochi inchisi si ganduri hoinare.
Ca niste masini de scris cu sange cald,
Transcriem gandurile unora superioare zi dupa zi dupa zi,
Caci ele si-au castigat dreptul de-a lungul timpului
Sa dicteze in schimb apasarea butoanelor.
Albastre,rosii,negre,cu unduiri sau aplecari dibace,
Sunetele apar pe coli tarcate-n sensuri neasemuite,
Fiecare imperecheata cu un semn care mai de care mai
Criptic si vizual placut.Sau nu.
Plutesc amintiri si nasc zambetele unei robii suprimate.
Cate un ras strident sparge tensiune auditiva
Cu forma-i jucausa dar meschina,
Facand robotii cu suflet sa priveasca,macar pentru putin,
Dincolo de cusca aurita impusa negresit.
Momentu-i scurt,placerea se desira pe holuri neluminate...
Mana apasa nevrotic,schimba cerneala,ofteaza prelung-
Nu-i acum de inteles sloava,e amalgam nerumegat de materializat.
In orice rau e-un bine si-n orice bine zace-un pui de rau.
Pe tablia cu urme de ani si cumulate suferinte
Am scrijelit fiecare cate-un nume al propriului
Motor cu simt si bataie fragila.
Si-am scris,si scriem si,vai!,cate vom mai scrie.
Ceea ce nu intelegm cateodata,in schimb,
E ca ne scriem pe noi insine prin
Supa mecanica de intelesuri ale vietii...

ABC

 Ana nu are mere.I le aduc eu in fiecare zi.Zice ca nu-i place doctorul.

 Ba,ma lasi?Sfantul Ilie rapit de extraterestrii?Cred ca tu ai fumat ce nu trebuie...

 Calul alb e cel mai tare:traieste intr-un tinut numit Tequila si necheaza pe ritmuri de la The Doors.

 Dracula nu e un mit.E printre noi.Se numeste generic "femeie".

 Eu cand vreau sa fluier...nu ma lasa mama,spune ca aduce ghinion sa faci asta daca esti in casa...

 Fluturasi?Mai degraba molii.Niciun fluture n-ar putea sa produca atata paguba unui stomac indragostit.

"George,George,bonus noi iti oferim!George,George,reincarci si te iubim!"

 How can you judge a man:by what he says or by what he never does?

 I don't give a damn.Do you hear me?None whatsoever.

 Jmen-men.[cod secret]

 Killing and being stupid are capital sins.

 Lapte-gros n-am jucat niciodata.Mi-e dor de sotron,totusi...

 Mary has a little lamb.Unfortunately,Mary isn't a vegetarian.

 No one can tell you how to live your life.Except,that is,for your mother.

 "Omul este produsul gandurilor sale."

 Perv song:"I'm a perv,you're a perv,she's a perv,let's all be pervs!"

 Question:if roses are red and violets are blue,why the hell am I still talkin' to you?!

 Rare sunt prieteniile care trec de testul timpului.Si al tradarii.Si al necazului.

 Suferinta nu e o pedeapsa.Suferinta e barometrul care ne arata ca inca suntem vii. 

"Take me down to the Paradise City,where the grass is green and the girls are pretty..."

 Unde mi-am lasat oare mintile?!Ah,da,stai!N-am avut asa ceva vreodata.Ce usurare...

 "Velvet ropes and guitars..."

 Waiting for a rational answer to knock on my front door and bring light to my neverending mist.

 Xilofonul:singurul instrument care nu suna ca o mata trasa de coada in mainile mele la varsta de 5 ani.

 Youtube:the place where one loses his innocence.

 Zebrele:albe cu dungi negre sau negre cu dungi albe?Raspuns:DA!

Chocolate

  

Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.

Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks)

 

Make a list of important things to do today. At the top of your list, put 'eat chocolate.' Now, you'll get at least one thing done today.

We believe this is (Gina Hayes)

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process.... It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

Unknown

 Don't worry!Be stupid!Be happy!Be everything you can('t) be!I know I am...

Hide&seek

Where is he?Now you tell me!

That guy that'll make me feel like I'm the only being he's
Ever loved,adored,put on a pedestal higher
Than his own...
Those lips that'll fit mine like a fleshy sour puzzle,
With grinding teeth and mind-blowing
Rithm...
Those soothing words of care and tender
Bliss,
Magnificent songs and matching kiss...
That hand ready anytime to catch me from my fall,
That shoulder to weep upon,
That heart to beat dreamy in his chest,saying:
"Hey,calm down..."

Where does your soulmate wander
When you need him not to squander
Precious time?
Boys,boys,boys...
Why do they always hide?!
It's not a game-
This is real life...

'Cause nothing really matters to me

Traim degeaba,murim degeaba,existam din nu stiu ce motiv mai presus de intelegerea mea limitata,ne agatam cu dintii de raspunsul atotcuprinzator al sensului tututor lucrurilor("IUBIREA") si ne punem sperantele in "Dumnezeu",fiecare cu denumirea religiei pe care-o sustine si in care (se presupune ca ar) crede.
Ei bine,mie a incetat sa-mi pese.Pot sa mor si peste o jumatate de ora,mi-e la fel.Intrebarile din capul meu nu-si gasesc raspunsuri convingatoare,iar cand aceastea par sa se formeze,dau nastere unui alt val de intrebari,mai meschine,mai iscoditoare,mai infierate.
O sa-si aminteasca cineva de mine vreodata?Da.Si ce daca?O sa stie doar un nume,ca altele mii,fara pic de suflet sau substanta.Nu.De ce ar face-o?Nu conteaza,in final.Totul e in van.Au fost atatia,sunt si cel mai probabil vor mai fi pe lumea asta.Dur?Mai degraba realism impins la extrem.
Azi a incetat sa-mi pese,pur si simplu.Azi a murit o bucatica din intregul meu.Azi s-a rupt firul narativ al increderii si sperantei.Azi nici macar lacrimile nu mai au taria sa spele durerea.Azi...punct.

Later edit:Norocul meu e ca am prieteni care nu ma lasa sa iau lucrurile prea in serios...Multumesc!

Red

Woke up one morning,
Found myself all caught up
In red:
Courtains,drapes,sheets,
Water beads
On the southern window,
Unfiltered thoughts,
Breakable hearts
On abused
Playing cards...
Red smoke,red dress,red lips.
Red kisses painted on the bedroom's
Mirror.
Red insecurity well hidden under a
Red bed.
Red tears.Red fears.Red dreams.
Red nails scrathcing the city's
Red panorama.
Red teeth crunching on red apples.
Red hair dripping paranoia on
Organza.
Red became our passion-
We smothered it trully well...
Red is the devil's charm,
Red is the cigarette's ash,
Red is the impatience building up.
Red is my anger.
I feel the red time
Glowing in the approaching dark!
Red laugh...

Friendship

"A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself..."

Prietenia este un lucru tare dificil.Trebuie sa armonizezi doua sau mai multe fiinte unice prin definitie si sa le faci sa-si canalizeze pozitiv nevoia primordiala de socializare.Toate cu "scopul" culegerii unor roade sentimentale preferabil sanatoase.Stiu ca abstractizat suna oribil,dar particularizat ar duce,dupa mine,la cliseu sau,mai rau,ipocrizie.Ceea ce n-ar fi totusi bine.

Adevarul e ca nu poti sa intalnesti o persoana azi si maine sa spui deja ca-ti este "prieten".E echivalentul unui "Te iubesc!" pentru o relatie inceputa de doar o zi.Nu asa se face. 

Eu nu mai cred in prietenie.Cel putin,nu in cea pura si perfecta si toate cele.Pentru mine,a devenito vaza cu fisuri minuscule:superba si utila,dar care se sparge cand ti-e lumea mai draga cand o manevrezi putin mai neatent,cand uiti o vreme de ea."Am"multe vaze,de diferite marimi si forme,dar nu mai am increderea de demult.Nu doresc sa ofensez pe nimeni,dar asta e...Si cum "nimic nu se pierde,ci totul se transforma",asa se intampla si cu sentimentele.Nu le-am pierdut,ci au devenit...altceva.Nu mereu ceva pozitiv,din pacate.

Prietenia e un acord de pace incheiat cu ochii larg inchisi,cu inima cat un purice,cu imaginatia dezgolita si picioarele tremurand.E o sentinta la care ne dam acordul, sperand cucerirea infinitului prin ea.E un rau atat de necesar incat a devenit bun.

Mana ta in mana mea si cerul deasupra noastra...

I'm medicated.How are you?

  

Not a good week...so far,at least.Why do I always end up paying for so many mistakes?Beats me...

I'll give you an advice,totally free of charge,of course!Do not,I repeat,DO NOT combine tons of black coffee with about 12h of sleep in 48h straight.And don't confide in those people you call "friends" unless you're really sure about them.And don't let your heart in the hands of every idiot that crosses your path.It's unhealthy.

I don't know what to say about myself anymore.One minute I'm on cloud ninth,then the other it's like I'm having suicidal tendencies.What the...fudge?

I feel like I'm taking invisible and nonexistent meds for a disease called "being-your-normal-self".Terrible disease,dreadful symptoms,awful side-effects.When they do work,it's horrible.When they don't,the same.In both cases you live with the impression that the world is going to end any second now,frustration building up from the fact that it just doesn't do that when you want/need it to.And you can't cry because your body suddenly decided not to produce tears anymore.And you can't scream because you've lost your inner voice.And you can't stand up right because your thoughts are too heavy and ready to ignite.

Only a match.Only a lighter.Only a cigarette.And puf!As if you never were...

All I want to do tomorrow evening is walk until my feet hurt,until my heart forgets everything,good or bad,until all of it sinks in entirely...

Free falling

Perpetual mood of inadequate transparency.
Crystal thoughts of haunting importance.
Twitching.
Crying.
Dying.

Imagine there's nothing in the world
Besides you and your pain.
How do you feel?
Better?Worse?The same?
Is this insane?
Of course,reality always is.

Free falling from the cliff of your own
Mind
Means plunging into the depth of your soul-
The most gruelling experience you will ever
Face,
Know&
Love...
Behold!
The world is at your feet,
Make it kneel and weep!

Don't repent and don't regret.
You know you don't mean it,
In the end...

I'll feel better when I'll have the certainty that miracles really do happen.Even to me.

Ugly

 It's just one of those freakin' days

When everything goes wrong and everything IS wrong.

The sky seems to be collapsing over my swollen head and 

My insides feel like they are being 

Stapled to the ceiling.

Not an ounce of love to germinate at the cold window,

Not a smile to hang on to,

No confidence to put aside for gloomy days,

No nothing.

I can feel my shell being padded with winter moods

But I fail to recognise the purpose of such a

Numb show.

Don't try to save me,you'll end up falling too...

Anger gives birth to anger,an aching heart to ignorance

And a raised wall to watery eyes.

What a drag!

It's just one of those freakin' days

When you feel ugly

And blue...

...and yes!,you may quote me

 

"My mother called me a spotted cow,my father a mole,my grandmother a sow,my brother a spitting llama and my uncle a nightingale.This means I am an entire petting zoo.I love my family."

"My new shower gel smells like milk&chocolate&mint.Smell my leg!Doesn't it smell 'eatable'?You can eat my leg if you want to!"

"Drooling over Jim Morrison,Jared Leto and Johnny Depp pictures is like having an orgasm.Only better."

"Bunnies make me think of sex.And clones."

"My pantry door is very creepy.When you open it you get the impression that Lurch will offer you a jar of pickles and Thing will open it for you.Not cool."

"Mom: What are you doing?Playing Strip-Poker?

Me: No,just Solitaire...

Mom: That's sad."

"Daddy,daddy,my eyes are yellow today!"

"I'd put cyanide in Miley Cyrus' lip gloss."

"I don't eat food that I once met."

"Having a bisexual boyfriend (as a girl) would be kinda awkward.Having a bisexual girlfriend (as a boy) would be a fantasy come true."

Protect me from what I want

When you're a shadow

It's easier to live in the dark.

When you're a lover

You pray not to lose

Your heart.

When you're a sinner

Your sole wish is to

Live forever.

When you're me
You just wanna be free...

I hear deafening silence whisper
Gloomy songs
And recreating violent wars
Of minds so shallow,
So blind,
So exposed....

Like a horse without a master,
My soul wanders
And never ceases to wonder
Where it belongs:
Here?
There?
Anywhere?

Protect me from what I want!
It's unhealthy and it's wrong!
It's a fantasy!
It's love...

Meh...

Afara ploua...

Cafeaua s-a racit...

Vocile se contopesc intr-un strigat imbecil...

Timpul ma ignora si merge in continuare prea repede...

Nimic nu-i ceea ce pare...

Mainile mi-au amortit,gatul e uscat si vocea stafidita...

A fugit culoarea luminoasa a peretilor si s-a ascuns in alte anotimpuri...

Parca si dragostea s-a dus sa hiberneze,luand cu ea curajul,pofta de viata,speranta...

Lacrimile sunt scumpe si ingheata pe obraji...

Nu-i bine,nu-i rau...

Liniste...

Ce naiba sa fac?

Meh...

Friends don't play games

 Cine tipa la mine sa ma grabesc deoarece la "maga" se face coada instantaneu si ramanem fara "pufu"?Cine rade cu mine pana ne dau lacrimile in ora de stiinte?Cine primeste un mar zilnic de la mine?Cine e cel mai "fram"?Ana,desigur!<3
Chiar daca imi vine cateodata sa te arunc pe geam si mai departe de atat,te iubesc si am invatat sa te accept asa cum esti,si cu bune,si cu rele.Putem spune ca relatia asta generica de "colege de banca" a devenit deja ceva mai mult,am glisat incet si sigur spre cea de prietenie.Stim (prea multe) una despre alta,spunem numai glume cu subinteles si ne echilibram.Ce cuplu frumos fac paranoia mea si bipolaritatea ta...
Amintiri...Cate amintiri!Mai stii...cum ne panicam atunci cand trebuia sa ne asculte la fizica?Sau cum te-am luat in carca prin curtea scolii?Cum faceam desene de copilasi de gradi cu degetele si se uita proful ciudat la noi?Cum am ras si-am plans la teatru?Cum te-am impins numai la prostii?Cum am tocit banca aia din curtea liceului anul trecut in fiecare pauza?Iti dai seama cate impartim zilnic?"O" si "a" si "u"!

Sa-mi traiesti!Siii..."Ai fil pritiiiii"!

Honey bunny...N-am pornit-o noi candva cu dreptul,recunosc,dar cand am prins ritmul nici ca l-am mai lasat!Si ce bine ca am facut asta!Ce bine,ce bine...Semanam atat de mult incat e cam dubios,nu crezi?Cate n-au auzit peretii din Moshu de la noi,cate n-am facut in White,cate persoane vrem sa ucidem amandoua,cate nopti n-am balit peste poze cu actori pe care n-o sa-i vedem viata asta(si probabil nici in cealalta),cate imbratisari si zambete n-am croit impreuna!Cate si mai cate!
Avem codul nostru,comentam si disecam,facem pe nebunele si parca n-am schimba nimic din toate astea!
Ne-am indragostit amandoua de The Doors si l-am descoperit pe Jim Morrison in paralel.I-am privit pe colegii nostri jucand mima cam indoite de adevarata varsta de care dau dovada.Mi-ai daruit pierce-ul tau care m-a scot din incurcatura.M-ai incurajat si m-ai sfatuit cum sa-mi amintesc sa respir.Am "venerat" cafeaua impreuna si inca o facem.E nepretuit.Pe bune.

Asa "blonda la radacini" cum sunt,te iubesc!Siiii...."Ai fil pritiiiiiii!"

In cuier

In fiecare dimineata,dupa ce ne trezim,

Ne ingrijim si uitam sa iubim,

Cand ajungem la scoala sau la locul potrivit,

Ne agatam gentil intr-un cuier si

Asteptam.

Suntem roz,albi,albastri,negri sau stravezii,

Cusuti cu fir opac si stramt,

In rit sobru prelucrati

De altii.

Gandim ca trebuie cineva sa ne coboare de acolo,

Ca bratele noastre din carpa

N-au ce face

Impotriva atotputernicului carlig ce ne ingreuneaza existenta

Prin propria materializare:

E greu sa mori,dar parca si mai greu sa nu.

Si timpul fuge un maraton sadic,

Si noi mucegaim,

Si mansetele noastre regreta amarnic

Ca n-au avut ce incheieturi eroice sa-mbrace.

Nu-i simplu sa cobori de pe un piedestal stiind

Ca eliberarea se va contopi in batjocura si

Uitare.

O sa te calce in picioare ca pe un palton uzat si ultimul nebun.

Razvrateste-te!Tipa!Fugi!

N-ai cum sa scapi,macar sa incerci

Paranoia s-alungi...