luni, 20 mai 2013

Not enough

You go out of your way to accomplish something you're not even sure you want.You're happy because maybe,just maybe,this time the odds were truly in your favor.You try to sprinkle your daily misery with some sort of fleeting joy.And yet that's never enough.There will always be somebody to make sure you know and understand you're not enough.And never will be...
Why do I even try?I mean,"life sucks and then you die".Taking into account I don't really believe in this whole Heaven-Hell business (if they are actually real,then I'm definitely burning my ass off in the afterlife),I tend to consider myself conscious future-compost.As a consequence,my motto isn't the most conventional and uplifting (so to speak):"If shit works,then it works.If it breaks,then it breaks."
Sure enough,I have my "good days",my "bad days",and,most often than not,my "bad-bad days".But sometimes I get days when the balance is uncertain and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like today,for instance:crappy morning,sparkles of light,afternoon sleeping in the library,hot as Hell,tiresome sleep,crappy night.Though it may all look like a big stapled "minus",I still try to find joy in small things like coffee and pretty strangers and silly jokes,so yeah...
I'm very confused and uncertain whether to hate myself or the views which make me want to hate myself.
I know it's hard for me to speak in public or face large crowds or even cross the street sometimes,but I can't change overnight,so please don't expect that from me.
I'm not near perfect,neither am I enough,that's clear as day,just don't remind me of this because I never really do forget about it...
Can't say that phone call brought me to tears,but the bitter taste in my mouth isn't fun either.

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