duminică, 26 septembrie 2010

I love the way I lie

It shouldn't be this easy.Lying.Cheating.Putting on a mask.Deceiving with a big and hungry smile.Pretending...
I'm guilty and I admit it.No point in avoiding the truth.I can make anyone believe I'm the happiest puppy they have ever seen in their entire existence, while inside my being is in flames,soon to become ashes.Why,why am I so skilful at processing the ugly facts into pretty buds of reality?'Cause no matter what you say,you can't look me in the eye and put your finger on the moments you realised something was really wrong with me.No.Each and every time I managed to cover the actual face of my feelings and emotions with 'fatique','illness','weird moods' and the simple,yet painful,' It's nothing,I'll be fine!'.And you know why?It's a forked answer: first of all,I can't stand myself when I make the people around me,especially the ones I love,suffer because of my suffering.I'd rather smile while crying just to assure them I'm going to be O.K. than 'share' the pain.And then comes the part where I feel vulnerable.It's as if I'm a cornered animal and the wolves are going to jump at my throat at any second.This image is stupid,I know,considering I'm naming 'wolves' people who only want to help me,but this is what my mind and my heart perceive,so I can't alter just for the hell of it.It's one of my biggest fears,feeling open as book and naked as Eve,and God knows my list of frights goes a long way!
And so I lie.I escape with my eyes in the floor and by mumbling something I don't even believe,thus changing the subject to a theme that won't end up with me in a detailed confession about a life I rarely understand.That of my own.
I'm not doing things right.And,even if I am,it sure doesn't feel like that.
The truth of the matter is that I've hit a wall and I can't manage to tear it down.For now.
Guess I love the way I lie...

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