vineri, 13 iulie 2012

Familiar bedlam

WARNING:THIS IS A RANT!Leave now or suffer the consequences.You have been cautioned...

I sometimes feel my life's a grotesquely bad movie and I can't do anything about it...Like,a brutal combination of ecstatic moments and deplorable mistakes,all set up against age-old regrets,commands,feelings clustered under a carpet of modest conditions.Oh,and what a storyline!Does "tragically ordinary" cover it or do I have to draw you a diagram?Because,my God,I'm sick and tired of this existence and the pains which my beloved ones put me through!...when the Hell did I sign up to be a martyr?!
And you know what's the most fucked up thing?I still love them.Understand and cherish them.Think twice before I open my mouth for fear of not hurting them in return.Such daggers,these words...But there's so much built up inside of me that I expect a very loud "crash and burn" soon-and there's nothing I can do about it.
Well,as you can see,putting everything down helps to some degree,though I believe it to be more of a numbing process than a releasing one.Tamed letters may be my trusty friends,but they can't save me...
Money issues,emotions,the past,the future,anger,religion,the need to control-don't these paint an oh-so-common family picture?They should.Because my own looks dangerously identical to the one above.Don't get me wrong,I'm not one bit ungrateful because it's my life and I take it as it as it comes.But it sure would be nice to be happy more often than I find myself just resigned.Ugh,I wish I could shape my current situation in a structure more revealing,less obscure...
In the end,everyone has a battle to fight and mine is nothing special.I have to suck it up,cry it out,shut up and try to make something out of myself.My way.No hard feelings,no vengeance.Only pure determination,tenderness and empathy.

P.S. I'm also exhausted,freaking out about whether I'll get into college or not,I have a headache the size of Mars and I'm going to watch a really fucking sad movie (to add to my misery) because I'm feeling particularly masochistic today.So yeah,that's the deal right now...And I can't do anything about it. 

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