Crimson shadow

I'm not myself today.So I'd rather be somebody else.

A crimson shadow-that was all the night could reveal to those inexistent eyes.The pool was silent,noises and smiles having moved inside for quite a while,into other corners,chairs,beds.What a view from that rooftop!A perfect balance between suicidal allure and modern architectural euphoria.He was loaded,that's for sure!Old and loaded,exactly how she liked them-her friend,that is.

A moment of unnatural sensations.A movement on the chair.The sound of a half-full wine bottle being gently returned to the ground.

Why did she even agree to come here?Parties were obviously not her thing,especially snobbish ones.But she took one for the team,dressed up and harbored the biggest fake smile she could conjure.

"I'll have a few drinks,meet some people and take a cab back home before it's even tomorrow" she figured.

"If only to make her shut up and stop bugging me about how I never go out and all that!We're not made from the same clay,her and I..."

Something happened,though.Between social sways and blurred names,something inside of her being snapped.The dam fell and a flood of thoughts began to rush in.

After the alcohol kicked in and they all got a little tipsy,Marina refrained from joining that sensual joy.She knew better than giving in to champagne's calling or whiskey's lustful touch. 

"I'm not going to hook up with some ancient scarecrow only because I'm horny and they're available!" Marina thought,drowning down some more wine.

Well,"ancient" was a rather harsh word.They were not as old as she would have liked them to be in order to avoid temptations,but the majority of male representatives could have easily portrayed a convincing father-figure.

In fact,one of them had caught her eye earlier before,although she wouldn't admit it to herself: tall,brooding,with short hair and marine eyes.Think James Bond meets Greek god.Of course,Andrew was as rich as they come,as were most of those present.

That "tiny" detail sparkled the interest of many female guests,long legs now trembling and blood-swollen lips moaning the sweetest of lies behind not so thick walls.How the perspective of wealth changes all!

"I agreed to chaperon,not to fuck the first Santa Claus I come across!I'm not that desperate..."

She really didn't judge them-to each his own.She just couldn't bring herself to such a personal defeat,let's say,needs and all.

There were also her unsettled thoughts:how many things can one mind conceive?

Marina felt overwhelmed,panicked and a tad drunk.The tender and fleshy liquid,instead of breeding a fantasy world,only made it worse: everything was clear as broad daylight,vivid,close,scary.Death mixed with life in an unholy union,their children burlesque and dark.The bottle was almost empty now.

"Oh,moon,you are so pretty!How I wish I could kiss you right now!Hold you,feel you,walk barefoot on your luminous craters...Jesus,I'm losing it.No more wine for you,Marina!"

She looked at the bottle,then at the full moon.A shrug followed.

"What the Hell!To you,my lifeless friend!May your holes stay forever large and welcoming!"

The young girl gulped the last remaining liquid bliss,but,having realized what she had said out loud,ended up spitting the drink all over her dress.

"Marina,are you OK?"

"I'm fine,Andrew." Marina managed to utter between laughs.

"You sure?"

Andrew was standing in the threshold,with his white shirt unbuttoned and black suit coat on one shoulder.Dear God,that sly smile!Marina suddenly felt weary,but continued to laugh.

"I'm barefoot...on the moon!" she brightly proclaimed ,bitting her lower lip and begging him with her eyes to come,hold her tight,save her.

A pair of thin arms engulfed Andrew,while the scarlet nails at the end of them tantalizingly grazed his bare chest.

"Come along,darling!"-demanded the arousing voice-"Don't keep me waiting!She's always like this..."

Andrew gave Marina one last look,then disappeared behind the curtains.

The pool was blue and quiet,letting the city's nighttime hustle and bustle take its course.Empty glasses framed that watery structure,while a summery wind completed the scenery.

After a moment's pause,Marina burst once again into laughter.She was clapping,moving her head from side to side,downright cackling,one might say.

Tears started rolling down her cheeks,at first shy and flowing,then thicker,blacker,painful.Laughter had turned into weeping in a mere few seconds,her chest bursting out of its crimson seams from smothered howls.

Her thoughts had melted into palpable emotions,raw and releasing.She was both happy and sad,saved and doomed,Heaven and Hell.

But she would figure herself in words the next morning.Marina now needed to cry and let go.Just let go..

Serenity came as cold as a much needed shower.Mascara-stained and puffy,Marina stood arms crossed,feet apart and smiling on the chair.

She was free: from herself,from the world,from her demons.

Leaving the pair of dark pumps next to the empty wine bottle,she drew near the pool side.Her entire body contracted as she released a loud "I'm barefoot on the moon!", which echoed into the city's very steel heart.

One last wicked smile painted her face.Arms up,head straight,dress obeying the wind's touch-a perfect dive,nonetheless.No sound followed.

Dawn's early fingertips were painting the horizon in orange and teal.A new day had begun.

No more.

I'm thinking about giving up.Seriously.I mean,what's the point to it all?Exactly!There is no point,there is no motivation whatsoever.Why continue here,why carry on with this when I can't find a logical and,more importantly,passionate goal?A waste of money,time and youth,if you ask me.A huge and foolish waste...

I don't know how much more I can hold on.I'm breeding hatred and panic and disgust,vicious emotions reflected in an aching body.What will I do with my life after three,seven,ten years?Huh?Something I now dislike with my entire being?No,I don't want to be that person.That statistic.That five o'clock suicide news.

But what to do?What to fucking do?Lie?Cheat?Drink until I can feel no more?!I don't like it,I don't like it,my God,I despise everything about it at this moment!

Truth be told,I signed my own sentence.I wanted this city,this college,this life."Be careful what you wish for" much?Even so,it's equally relevant that I wouldn't have chosen other ones,similar or not.Not belonging never seemed so wickedly damaging.And personal.And self-inflicted.Son of a...

Anxiety.My actions,my thoughts,everything simply drenched in this one harmless word.I'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that life means death-mine,yours,the world's...Jesus Christ,why?!Why do I even try?My heart...My poor,poor heart,owned by a crippled mind...

I wish this train would only go home and not vice versa.Resume my "boring" life and be happy once again.Serene.Untroubled.You know how I feel now?Haunted.Chased.On the verge of diving from the top of a cliff into nothingness.My brains would look so beautiful sprawled across a white wall...

I'm going home,to my family,my cats,my room,"Cinderella",coffee and undiluted personality.Maybe it'll help clear my head,get a new (and,hopefully,brighter) perspective on life.I need to,otherwise...
I could weep my soul away right now,not knowing whether it would be due to sorrow or joy...
Blue car,take me where I belong!Make it better.Save me from myself...

Marble spine

totul imi merge impotriva,
ca un val chemat inapoi de mare,
departe,departe,din ce in ce mai distant
si prevestitor de noapte...
am marmura intre vertebre
si harpoane intre coaste,
degetele mi se frang albastru,
stau tendoanele sa-mi crape...
m-agat de semne ciudate,
ca si cum salvarea mi-ar sta
in carnea alba a copacului,
nu in fapte si pacate-
delir si resemnare.delir si resemnare.
complotez impotriva-mi cu buna stiinta
si-mi pun otrava pe tron zambind
amar;
promisiuni desarte,draga inima,
si viziuni posedate
de un Iad paradiziac!
am sa devin o statuie
cu ochi si umeri si solduri
din ivorie substanta
inchinata zeului Desertaciune
si zeitei Efemeritate...
mi-e frig,mi-e greata
si mi-e tare teama de moarte...

Lace and stairs

sinful stairs,don't tempt me!
don't make these feet
intertwine
beyond the point of hope and grief!
I can't make angels
out of twigs,
nor can you turn time and distance
into pride...
I cry my soul to sleep
in broad daylight,
among strange faces and weary bodies-
not even lace can save me now,
no dream with bright blue
eyes...
I wonder if dogs can hear what I'm hearing,
this piercing scream in my ears,
all nameless,
all wild,
all mine...
I can't run anymore,but how I long
to hide!
more stairs,more lace,more question marks-
the shadow I've become has a shadow
of its own...
sapphirine stairs,don't mock me!
I feel so damn alone...

Faulty knees

As much as I love spending more time with my folks,waking up at 3:45 a.m. to catch the 5:15 train to Bucharest isn't the most exciting thing to do on a Monday morning.I can guarantee you that!

Needless to say,I arrived hungry,tired and ice cold.Blessed be coffee,for I would not be standing here now,somewhat conscious and deeply troubled.Long story short,life sucks.

I mean it.From the bottom of my heart.And my faulty knees.And my drained soul.I just want to go home,away from this place and the person that it's making me put on display for the sanity of others rather than my own.You want to get your ass kicked?Just tell me I'm "exaggerating",that I'm "overreacting" to stuff-it will be the last thing that you do.Seriously.You have no idea how lost I feel right now,like I'm one step away from being pushed off a cliff into perdition.

I can stand this fuckin' state no more.To Hell with all these silly things,with obligations,with "success",with you all!It isn't worth the trouble,nothing is in this world!I am done.I really am.It feels like I'm decomposing,one bone and one tendon and one chunk of flesh at a time.If only I could just...

I'm starting to hate the subway and its sea-like torment of a motion.College is pretty much up there too,work and chores and endless books included.Don't even get me started on people because this is one of those days when murder is an option,provided the right circumstances and/or alibi.I sound insane,don't I?Maybe because I'm losing it,I don't know.What do you think?Don't answer,it's irrelevant,anyway.I know my hatred towards the majority of things nowadays is starting to show in the way I speak,in my body language,in my withering soul.But I can't command my feelings,neither do I wish to.Not now,not ever.

I'm so sleepy it's actually starting to ache.So I'll call it day.A shitty day,but a day nonetheless.I can only pray for tomorrow to bring more energy and sanity.Otherwise...Well,let's say I'll be even more unpleasant.Imagine that horrific scenario!Oh,God,no!

I just remembered: I ran out of coffee.Shit.

Sweet celebrations

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love a good birthday!Especially when it's not even my own that's being celebrated.The people!The gifts!The food!

Today was my mother's birthday and it couldn't have been more awesome!She loved the gifts we so carefully picked out or made (see my brother's artistic card),we laughed,we ate,we drank good wine and (oh my God,it feels so damn good to say) I stayed home for the entire Sunday.Yes,tomorrow is going to be basically Hell,but who cares?Satan can have the rest of the year if I get to enjoy a few amazing,full days with the ones I so dearly love.It may not seem like much,but this domestic bliss is what keeps me going and what brings me my version of "real happiness".

I'm beyond grateful for my family and moments like this remind me of how fragile and hurried life is.Sometimes I just want to say "No more.",close my house in a time capsule and live forever in an imperfect bliss.But I can't do that (unfortunately).So I settle for lazy mornings,steaming plates,black cups,warm smiles and many other childish miracles.

Me and my brother have a thing now where we bond over movies.So "The Dark Knight" was the perfect excuse for a night of outlandish theories,bad jokes and homemade sweets.And I love how grandma lightens up when she sees the two of us getting along with each other.Why can't all my hours mimic these ones right here?

And did I mention I spent most of last night drooling over the cats&plot&co. of "Skyfall" and eating carrots?I think this is the first movie I saw that was not on TV since I started going to university.Which is a sad and peculiar record."Best time of your life"-yes,sure.And pink pigs fly over my house every single morning.

I don't want to go!Don't make me!Son of a...This is what I get for not listening to my mother.I just had to go to the gilded gates of Nowhere,didn't I?"If only I knew then what I know now" works so perfectly here it's frightening.

But enough with the sorrow."More cake,less whining"-new motto right here!Happy birthday,mother dearest!It was a day to remember.

Wicked

I'm wicked
because I'm a woman,
a black rose
with thorns
instead of thighs
and devilish desires
carved into
my lips,my hands,my eyes.
I'm wicked
by nature
and by man's prophetic
sigh,
for he is the sole to decide
whether I dance
with the angels
or slowly burn on a pyre.
I'm wicked,
though I'm a saint
when circumstances conspire,
I wear the red dress
the same way in which
I cover myself with white's
holly attire.
I'm wicked
because I bow to no one
but my womb
and demand the world
to cherish
both blossom and ooze.
I'm wicked
and my faith's
a crippled string to which
sinners and children and judgments
clutch
without a flinch.
I'm wicked
when I buy a flower,
when I bite my lover's mouth,
when I craft myself
from yesterday's remains
and hopes of a new start.
I'm wicked
because my hair is on fire
and I won't let you
tint this flesh,
this most unreal desire
sprouting inside of a weary head.
I'm wicked
because I'm a woman
and there's nothing more
to be said.

Well fed and happily grounded

Cosmaruri stupide.Cafea cu dulceata de gutui.Metrou sufocant.Minute gri.Jocuri cu rasplata.Tinerete blajina.Cuvinte asemenea unor somnifere tari.Hartii noi cu miros de vechi.Drum batatorit si sec.Fuga fierbinte.Bagaje violet.Ultimele verificari.Chei sonore.Scari grele.Pisica neagra cu suferinta in glas.Gara cea plina.Peronul cel rece.Aglomeratie obositoare.Drum lung,drum scurt.Cuvinte intru datorie si onoare pe caiete mototolite.Gata.Acasa.Totul e bine acum!Masina bleumarin.Camera de chihlimbar.Masa plina.Cafeaua imbracata in aburi si zambete.Ceramica fierbinte.Cocon pufos.Divertisment muzical.Melancolie somnoroasa.Glume fratesti.Pisici grasute si pretentioase.Incheieturi obosite.Pat primitor.Viziunea unui vis savuros.Noapte buna!

Nu sunt nebuna,ma jur!Cum ajung acasa,parca ma reintregesc,mi se contureaza din nou fiinta si totul capata logica.Dispar neclaritatile,iar obiectivul se focalizeaza asupra unui punct atotcuprinzator.Si nu mai am nevoie de nimic altceva.Nu,cu bune,cu rele,aici ma simt cel mai bine.Puteti sa credeti ce vreti.Nu e vorba de timp,acomodare sau incapatanare,ci de identitate.Se pare ca rugaciunile dau rod uneori.

Chocolate dreams

Startling noises.Light steps.Horrible coffee.Warm and thick air.Solitary lips.Subway balancing act.Sickening food.Cryptic faces.Unwilling to cooperate for personal good.Exhausted eyes.Peachy trousers.Vapid imagination.Familiar strangers.Masks upon masks upon masks.Tedious time.White pages.Blue pen.Dull history.Lack of identity.Intimidating figures.Silly hopes.Long braids.Chipped nail polish.Chocolate stains.Undone expectations.Magical stories.Cold hands.Old smoke.Train tickets.Empty streets.Scarce food.Redeeming tattoo.Unspoken thoughts.Freezing shoulders.Gaps upon gaps upon gaps.Stubborn muscles.Glorifying dreams.Steaming water.Red tranquilizer.Peculiar state.Funny hands.Soft pillows.My,oh my...This has been a most unholy day.

I'm trying.I really am.It's just...Not okay.No comfort in small things,no majestic desires,no nothing.Only brief moments of old serenity and oblivion.I understand you're getting tired of hearing me bitch and whine,but this is the truth.And,though others might be fooled by crafted smiles,this is the place where they feel most fake.So bear with me.Or walk away.It doesn't matter.Wow,today actually sucked!As does the majority of my week nowadays.

My soles don't know these roads

Warm sheets don't always breed pretty dreams.Yet one has to brush off night's ghouls and carry on this existence as a functional and caring individual.Or pretend to do so,at least...My soles don't know these roads-this doesn't mean they don't have a story of their own,a tingling perfume,faces to paint and miracles to create.Change doesn't suit me,but routine isn't my thing either!Oh,what a cruel tease!You know,I used to think books and coffee and dreams could safe me for real-now I'm not that sure...It's something else,though.I just need to find out what.Release myself from this wretched flesh and too many vapid thoughts,regain the infinity which I have carved into my left wrist.Acknowledging my achievements won't do the trick.Neither will a "hidden talent".No,I need...I need a lightning strike.A bomb.An anvil crumbling on top of my head to make it all true.I need to learn how to be one person at a time.Winter's coming and there's too much darkness to uncover.Fortunately,my boots are new and ready for...something.A nice something,I hope.Till then,I'll hang on to my green sweater and shred of sanity.Someday,somehow,things will settle down.There will be light.

Disturbed desires

the world inside my head
is expanding like the desires
of a spoiled little child,
swallowing and hurting
reality's feeble seams-
why must I always turn random events
into apocalyptic scenarios?
why can't I enjoy myself
for one damn minute?
why do I let sorrow conquer bliss
and clouds to gather above me?
trembling flesh,crippled perspectives,
disturbed desires-
perfect combination of imperfections,
don't you reckon?
if only I could let go of myself,
of these devilish images that portray Paradise,
of that handsome poison...
it appears I lack conviction
and desirability-
how the seagulls mock me,
how this cold wind whirls...
sleepy,weary,drained,
this is how time flows
over again and again...
the world inside my head
is turning into a cluster of
mischievous nebulae...

Lazy limbs

chapped lips.sweet perfume.hungry eyes.
I'm suddenly a wild creature in the midst
of my own savage desire-
to conquer all,to feed this lusty flesh,
to tame personal beasts with fresh blood.
a bold mouth will get you far; a hungry one
will even make the journey fun.
why am I so keen on believing I'm
the one?
I wouldn't choose myself-flaws or not.
or all.or everything that has to do
with this ivory shell and twisted mind.
yet I cling to ghosts I nurse myself,
monsters fed with love and care,
only to fall from the top of a mountain
built from their corpses and poisonous charms...
silence conquers even words,
don't you agree?well,small things
like this show me my shadow of a being
in all its fleeting glory-
here today,ashes by morning...
my hands are cold.my feet are dry.
this heart won't budge,but so won't
yours-fine!see if I care?because I do
and it's elegantly tearing me apart inside;
tired eyes.purple fingers.livid prayers.
I'm done wishing Prince Charming
would be near...

Boots and loons

drunk poetry

my mouth's tattooed upon these sheets
in drops of red and kisses of a peony;
it's easy to foresee winter when your heart's
as weary and icy as an angered dream-
yet these boots beneath me tell a tale
of unbroken promises
and summery dreams;
I could stay like this till kingdom come,
wrapped in comfort and joy and
now's angelic moans,
all numb with delight and fright
and endless warnings of the clock;
my spine's made out of rocks,
while my hands tremble in the ivory
sunshine-is this the descent into madness
I must witness every seven days?
though I'm a bird,there is a cage
which lawfully and willingly I have agreed
to take as shelter-
if only I knew then the price of my gilded
prison...
there's a circus to be conducted on every lane
and a lunatic to be rescued in every pair of eyes
that strangers carry with themselves
on the subway,through the streets,in myself...
silence,your truth is deafening!
through boots and loons,I carry my own prophecy...

Familiar ground

I now know how it feels like to miss something without even realizing its absence.Minute things shrink and explode into the Universe's shadow,while life flows like a careless river hour by hour,day by day.How long has it been since I last slept until my bones were sore?Since my stomach purred with pleasure like a satisfied feline?Since I roamed the streets without haste,beside my kin,through baby blue haze?Too long,my dear,too long...

Though I left it behind a little while ago,my room still feels mine.And once stereotypical actions remind me of how much of myself I've actually left there: a painting,and old lipstick,dusty posters,those dirty lavender walls,a book under the bed and so many more wonders.This is my manufactured DNA,all broken and damaged and mine,mine,mine.So there's no surprise that reality felt today like a perfectly cut slice of the past,maybe with a bit more wisdom and a little less hope.Even so,my hands carved curls,my body welcomed clothes and I drowned my five lazy senses in red perfume-how lovely it is for all the pieces to fit!

I've missed this!I really have.My girls.My habit of cursing the cold.Gray streets and ginger hounds.Giving presents.Receiving kisses.Frozen hugs,tasty coffee and inside jokes.Friends with passionate red hair.Mesmerizing wine and bedazzling smoke.Our tables,our mouths,our evolved memories on repeat.And,after all this domestic craziness,the halo:serenity as a lazy reward.Who said you shouldn't do the same thing twice in life?What a fool!

If you'd have told me three months ago that this would be my life today,I wouldn't have believed one single word.I would have slapped you,too!It's not Hell bad,but not Paradise good-it just is.I can barely fathom its reality in the current time frame,let alone project it from the past.Not that this would be even possible.Just saying...

I've said it once and I'll say it again: I perceive myself as completely and utterly...incomplete.Yet some special and familiar moments,places,thoughts fill the void with their existence-the world makes sense again.For a few fleeting moments,I'm who I'm supposed to be and everything comes naturally.Only then...

I miss certain people and certain sounds and certain things.But,most of all,I miss a part of me I just know will never be retrieved.It's sad and beautiful and dangerously here.

Son of a beech!

Friday morning just won't budge.The hours pass by like undisturbed sloths,only to make me even more nervous and anxious and bleah! 2:20 p.m. train,thou art a bitch to catch!Though I do love me a bit of exercise and adrenaline,I can't help but notice there's a slight...gap,let's say,between those careless (and generally frustrating) early minutes and their afternoon-ish brothers.Still,nothing can stand in the way of me going home!So,be it rain or haze or infuriating lack of time proportions,I will soldier on through this!For honor and family and...cats!

If you think about it,kisses are really weird.I mean,you literally connect with another person,not only on a physical level,but also on a oh-my-God-what's-happening-this-is-so-whoa! one.It's so damn cool,yet so disgusting (in concept) that it becomes something "beautifully depressing".To my mind,a boy's mouth tastes like cola and cigarettes,wild wolves and raw skin.On the other hand,a girl's lips give the impression of white lace,steaming blood and fiery foxes.So...how could one choose?Not me,I tell you,not me...Life's truly peculiar,man.I wish I could be somebody's first kiss.

Not to brag or anything,but Friday night is basically awesome.My family treats me like a princess (well,sorta),I get to rejoice in the midst of a comforting background and I feel whole again.You have no idea how much I miss so many small things,from my old cup of tea to chores I used to hate doing.Still,I'm grateful for these few moments of "normality" and I look forward to them every week.Did I mention the food and coffee and pampering?I may be a little brat,but at least I'm a happy one.

Modern slave

gheare in urechi si ochi infasati in mii de valuri negre-
incepe maratonul organic,se destrama marginile
unei povesti din ore si fantasme...
roti duale se intrec in minciuni si guri mecanice-
mi se frange carnea-n palme ca o foaie
patata cu aer...
scara mi se topeste sub picioare,alerg intre trecut
si prezent cu o viteza ametitoare,ma tem
pentru urmatorul ceas inert-
ma minte limba,obrajii mi se inrosesc;
dantela nocturna curge de sub coaste,geamana
panzei aruncate peste oras:
sclavi si sclave,alergati!alergati!alergati!
metalul va absoarbe,cuvintele n-au sens,
totul e un labirint din materie si hieroglife
pe un fundal sters!
am obosit,mi-e teama,ma sting...
n-ai venit.
alergam!alergam!alergam!nu ne mai oprim
decat la sfarsit.

Confusing perceptions

Luminous nightmares,damp sheets and swollen lips-some nights are just too much for me.
I felt like a princess this morning,only to become a witch by nightfall-does this mean my confidence depends on the sun's moods?If so,then my self-esteem is doomed...
Wednesday mental breakdowns are becoming a thing now and they're not very pleasant.
Emptiness is hard to describe,yet truly present and damaging and please don't let me sabotage myself!Not now!Just don't...
Telling a pair of lips to utter words and wishing they'd obey-my life in one sentence.
Black streets,cold hands and steaming breaths-WINTER.IS.COMING.
This food is poisonous.This skin is itchy.This bed is evil.Is it all in my head?
Come,tomorrow!Come again!Take me home...and leave me there!
Halfway.

Silly butterflies

some days I dress pretty for boys
and some days I dress pretty for girls-
today I covered my skin for you,I wish you knew
that my hand trembled when I painted my eyes
with purple,thinking you'd notice,that you'd care
about those silly butterflies infesting
my stomach and my toes and my mind...
I'm tired of seeking salvation in beautiful strangers!
still...did you look at me?did you find me worth saving?
did you even see those invisible wings
soaring from my lips?
I don't think you did; it doesn't matter-
"I set my expectations high/
So nothing ever comes out right."
some things aren't meant to be and others
just don't fit the Universe's seams;
I'm going to buy myself roses and sing while
watching the rain and pretend I'm not crazy-
silly,silly,silly things...

That lavender sweater

I keep forgetting that waking up at 6:15 a.m. is a regular thing now.
The more I learn,the less I know.The more I read,the less I understand.My synapse is clearly faulty and the other spare neuron didn't remember to clap encouragingly...Rats!
Dear potential crush-you had to have a girlfriend,didn't you?Son of a...
Seriously,though-I really do want to be productive and successful and make something of myself,but...maybe I'm possessed.By lazy-demons.That didn't come out quite as I had expected.But I won't rephrase.Oh,irony!
The perks of living the moment: a lavender sweater,good coffee,beautiful strangers,lucky guesses and my only sweet-smelling perfume.
Sleep is probably the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.Yes,pretty much.
"Babel,Babel,look at me now!"

Early trip

clutching to cotton like wolves to a steaming carcass-
how night flies when your heart's being flooded
by nightmares!
ah,premature departure,how does this ring
such painful bells...
but time continues to run.hours to soar.roses to die.
my dear,I'm truly empty...these things I use to fill
the void-be them sounds or drops of alcohol-
these are mere fallen angels,borrowed pieces
that fit in all the wrong places;
I'm smiling and I'm dancing and I'm telling lies
in broad daylight,
only to...see that bed?it doesn't feel right.
I'm running from a black wave of unknown perspectives
and I'm about to trip
on my own flawed heels-
I need some pills,maybe another excuse to flee...
so be it.my beasts cannot be tamed:
to live among them or be eaten?
I wish I knew the answer...Alas!
The woods grow darker by the tear.

Conquering Paradise

I thought I knew my bed,but this is a whole new level of rest and comfort!
Coffee and cats-what could one ask for more?
My father will always be "daddy" because he lets me be a little girl even now,when I have to "become" a grown woman.
Linden tea is like a typical Romanian thing for colds,right?Right?Right.
This is the second funeral I've witnessed this week-I swear to God...
Helping my brother do his homework has become a thing I look forward to these days-I know,creepy.
Let's play a little game I like to call "how much food can I fit in my tummy in one night"!
Watching cartoons and eating sweets-yup,life's pretty awesome sometimes!
Who would've thought that my dear sibling enjoys watching movies as much as I do!Yes,folks,"Troy" can really help people bond!
Sweet baby Jesus,I am so tired!I should be working,but...Neah!Those sheets look too inviting.
Adriana-out.

Fluffy socks and cozy thoughts

Somn putin,dar relativ bun.Ultima cafea la fierbator pe saptamana asta.Ger matinal si caldura de metrou.Oameni obositi,intamplari vechi,cuvinte permanente.Emotii in sosete pufoase.Maratonul facultate-camin-gara.Catei frumosi si oameni nepoliticosi.Doua bilete albastre pentru doua locuri albastre intr-un tren albastru.Cerneala pe foi imaculate si sunetul rotilor metalice."Uite lacul!Inca o statie,inca o statie!".Chipuri familiare si orizontul brodat cu argint.Locul meu obisnuit la masa si radioul pornit.Vin fiert si ganduri calde.Povesti despre ieri,despre azi,despre maine.Obiceiuri vechi...in haine vechi!Gesturi pline de emotie si miros de lemn ars.Glume "ca intre frati" si cafea nocturna.Oboseala ce-si lasa atingerea sa alunece.Paturi peste paturi peste paturi.Da,e tare bine acasa.Noapte buna!

Plagued and distraught

my lips are sealed with barely visible wax
and my right side's numb-how do you expect me
to be witty when my insides are hallow?
churning,howling,that's the sound of grief
inside the grasp of tomorrow's food,
all bundled up with thorns and memories
that will never come true...
I conquer a shore,I fall from a cliff-
this is destiny in all its pathetic glory!
merry bliss,why are you mourning?
oh,I see...nothing's what is seems,is it?
my eyes are lost in yesterday's story
and thoughts can't form in the womb
of this barren land-
I'm glad I can't be happy,for I would commit
a sin bigger than myself!
...so I let my monsters embrace me with their silent
claws and await for salvation-
too bad I'm unworthy
and the night's so damn long...

Emerald chest

no,the bed's not crackling,it's just my body
decomposing under the weight of its own sorrow,
cursing and crumbling like a red and white empire...
...and I kiss my knees,let the tears run free
towards the ground-the ground,the ground,
it's always about dirt and that hallow crown...
everything's damned,can you believe that?
from my emerald chest to the faces of so many
hastened strangers- isn't silence enough
of a damaging drug,should I endure
a mask and a kind dagger as well?
so be it-let those eyes engulf me
and the streets enclose me in their gray waves-
I can fight no more.
I refuse to let you hurt me with my own
permission-I'm letting go...
no,the earth's not moving,it's just my soul
imploding under the curse of its own misery...

Vacant body

M-am trezit de cateva ori in noaptea asta,intepata de sudori reci si cu ochii fierbinti: cum?Cum sa-l puna pe el in pamant?Trupul lui,viata lui,ratiunea lui,amintirea lui,lui,lui,lui...Cum?!Cum,Doamne,cum?!

Cafeaua mi-a ars stomacul.Abia am prins masina aia nenorocita,cu mintea incetosata si hainele negre.Coaste,nu cedati,nu-mi faceti asta acum!Nu cred c-am mers vreodata atat de repede de la gara pana acasa.Cata liniste!Cate cuvinte nespuse!Cat avea sa urmeze...

Am rezistat,ce-i drept.Am fost un adevarat soldatel in timpul celor cateva ore ramase de pregatiri.Totul s-a prabusit cu zgomote infernale cand am ajuns la capela...La inceput,n-am putut sa intru: mi s-au inmuiat genunchii,mi s-a comprimat pieptul,mi s-au impotrivit ochii,nu,nu,nu!Dar am intrat.Am vazut.Am inteles.Tot n-am crezut.A murit ceva in mine,ceva irecuperabil si ingrozitor de real.Mi-am facut datoria fara sa privesc inapoi.Asa merg lucrurile pe lumea asta.

Doamne,cum de n-a cazut biserica pe mine?Printre lacrimi si buze muscate pana la sange,cum de am putut sa mai blestem divinitatea si preotii si toate cuvintele acelea ipocrite ce nu-si mai aveau rostul?Mai aveam atat de putin pana sa cedez si sa iau pe cineva la pumni imbibati in furie.Durerea ne sterge din orizont ratiunea,ne face sa ne punem intrebarile cele mai logice,desi cel mai greu de solutionat.Aer,nu ma parasi,nu-mi face asta acum!

Tata i-a sarutat mainile,unchiul i-a sarutat fruntea-eu am plans.Miros de lumanari arse si tamaie: treziti-ma,va rog.Treziti-ma,va rog,acum.

Si-am mers,si-am mers,si-am mers...Am ajuns.Dintre toate,ultimul drum este intr-adevar cel mai greu.V-o spun intoxicata si obosita si...A fost totul ca un carusel macabru pentru care nu mi-am dat consimtamantul.

Si-au mai spus o rugaciune.Si-au pus capacul.Si-am aruncat cu totii o mana de pamant peste cosciug,peste flori,peste un om.Si m-am tinut de-o cruce straina,mi se umpleau plamanii cu tarana la fiecare impunsatura de lopata,voiam sa ma trezesc,sa fie totul doar un cosmar,doar o gluma proasta a destinului...

N-am putut sa mananc.Trebuia sa sparg ceva,sa-mi vad oasele mainilor vopsite in rosu,sa iasa din mine cumva toata otrava,toata amaraciunea...La dracu!Cu mine,cu tine,cu noi toti!Cu viata asta de cacat din care nu ne alegem cu nimic!Nimic,va spun,ni-mic!Totul este o minciuna grosolana si patetica...O,Doamne!De m-as ineca odata cu lacrimile astea scarboase!

Am vazut gara prea devreme saptamana asta,din pacate.Era frig si tata imi facea sufletul sa se tanguie fara niciun cuvant- ii vedeam privirea si-mi era de ajuns...Monstrul de metal era gol si greoi.Ma durea capul si ochii imi fierbeau in orbite.Ganduri repetate ca un refren crud,timp eradicat.Treziti-ma,va rog.Treziti-ma.

Gata.Savarsitu-s-a.Nu o sa mai mergem "la tataia" duminica.Nu o sa mai vina pe la noi de ziua mea.Nu...Cum sa pui un suflet sub pamant si sa-l lasi acolo?Cum?De ce?Nu inteleg.Nu pot.Nu vreau.Mi-e rau.Plamani,nu cedati!Nu-mi faceti asta acum!

Sunt goala pe dinauntru.Sunt din nou un copil care nu vrea sa recunoasca adevarul.Sunt intr-un cosmar si astept sa fiu trezita de cineva odata.Nu mai vreau sa fac nimic.Nu merita.Nu meritam.Nu,nu...

Maine o sa fie la fel.Si poimaine.Si toate zilele ce vor urma.Voi uita,imi voi aminti,va durea.Si nimeni nu va indrazni sa ma trezeasca.As vrea sa fiu anesteziata.

The blackest of news

Eram sigura.Am simtit-o in maruntaie din prima pana in ultima clipa,rasucindu-se si sfarsindu-se odata cu mine.Asteptam doar telefonul,doar vocea mamei spargandu-se in mii de cioburi sonore,doar lacrimile unei confirmari ce n-as fi vrut sa existe vreodata...

Bunicul nu m-a certat niciodata.Niciodata.El mi-a cumparat prima cutie de bomboane cu lichior.M-a invatat sa joc table si m-a lasat mereu sa ma alint cu iepurasii din curte.El imi arata de fiecare data diverse lucruri interesante prin carti si imi dadea bani sa-mi cumpar "o ciocolata".Nu cred ca a lipsit de la vreo aniversare,vreun Craciun sau vreo zi importanta din casa noastra.In poze iesea mereu din profil,asa ca era cel mai usor de recunoscut.Nu ca nu l-as fi putut ochi dintr-o mare de oameni intr-o secunda...Si palaria neagra si bastonul putin ciobit si mersul vioi de altadata!Doamne...

Imi amintesc perfect momentul cand mi-a dat cea mai frumoasa batista brodata din lume:eram suparata (din cine stie ce prostie),plangeam de mama focului in camera mea si nu voiam sa vorbesc cu nimeni.A venit langa mine,mi-a pus minunea aceea in palme si mi-a spus ca totul o sa fie bine.Nu pot sa schitez exact cuvintele,dar nici nu trebuie.Important este ca nu m-a luat la intrebari si nici n-a incercat sa-mi minimalizeze suferinta puerila.A fost acolo pentru mine,fizic si spiritual.M-a inteles fara vorbe si nu mi-a cerut nimic in schimbul unei iubiri pe care n-am s-o mai pot rasplati acum...

Nu inteleg si nici nu vreau.Cum?De ce?Plamanii mei...Imi fac bagajul si ma invart mecanic prin camera.Nu mai e,nu mai e,nu mai e deloc,deloc,deloc...

Poate ca Dumnezeu e mare,dar eu ma simt foarte mica astazi.Iar maine ma asteapta o farama din Iad.

Aching

I'm collecting bones between sheets of meat
and memories,calling a lie "life" and spending
my youth on a dream more rusty now
than my childhood bicycle-
look at my hands!shaking like scared children,
white as lilies and painfully unaware of tomorrow's
plans...
I have worms in my throat,swarming and clutching
to my shabby sanity,all green and vile!
mother,I don't want to go!don't feed me
to that metal monster!keep me in your arms!
my stomach's tearing apart under the palms
of Sunday's inverted dusk-give me something
to forget myself,to forget the tears that just won't
form as fiery streams of relief and solace!
father,give me peace!tell me to be strong
and tall and to stop cutting my own hair!
ah,distance,you are as cruel as ever!
my pain's your child-and what a caring mother am I!

Sunny clocks

Frumos,frumos,e tare frumos cand te trezesti in asternuturi calde si miroase a cafea pe hol.
Cand porti puloverul bej,cel cu un indian abia schitat pe el.
Cand iti urmaresti serialele preferate in pat,cu o patura pufoasa peste umeri.
Gresia de pe hol pare mai verde,tavanul mai jos.
Banca din smarald scorojit este luminata rece,dar iubitor.
Tata ar putea repara orice pe lumea asta,de la ceasuri pana la inimi inradacinate in indoiala.
Pisici pufoase,mi-ati lipsit enorm!
Cateva lacrimi fara sens lasate tribut pamantului.
Mancare buna si cuvinte simple,clare,dulci.
Vin fiert,chipuri placute,oase destinse.
De ce n-am stiut sa apreciez ce aveam la timpul potrivit?
Mi-e dor de cine eram acum cateva saptamani...
Muzica exotica si dureri nejustificate ale carnii.
Dorinta de a continua,neputinta de a o face.
Miscari ascutite si biroul cu parfum de lemn si amintiri.
Urat,urat,e tare urat sa te culci in asternuturi reci si cu ochii rosii.

Tired soul and ugly words

Vinerea este ziua mea preferata.Atunci vin acasa,mananc si eu "ca omul",dorm in patul meu,ma bucur de compania familiei.Dar...Doamne!

Sunt atat de obosita!Trupul mi se prabuseste si sufletul tipa pentru el.M-am vazut din greseala intr-un geam de masina si m-am speriat de umerii lasati,de cearcanele violet,de mine.Dorm putin si prost,imi spun ca mi-e bine si asa,mi-am pierdut spiritul candva infloritor si nu stiu cum sa mi-l insusesc din nou.

Am atatea sentimente ingramadite intr-un colt de fiinta,mi-e teama de razbunarea lor deloc linistita!Si nu vreau in niciun caz sa-mi "vars" nervii pe cei dragi,mai ales ca-i vad atat de putin intr-o saptamana...Nu stiu.Nu mai stiu nimic.

As vrea sa-mi cos gura si sa nu mai spun lucruri urate,lucruri permanente.As vrea sa-mi sigilez mintea nestatornica.As vrea...As vrea un raspuns,dar am prea multe intrebari de pus.

Mi-am pierdut identitatea si nu stiu unde trebuie sa o caut...

...and it rained forever.

I give up.You win!You win,rain!You win,aching limbs!You win,shallow conversations and insecure eyes!You win,everything!I am done.So done.So motherfucking done.

Some of you may think that I've gone nuts by now.You are probably right.No,really,that's it!Kudos for you!Here,have an imaginary cookie.

...but seriously,though.How do you expect me to be "fine" when everything around me seems to be alike a raging copy of personal Hell?Time has no substance anymore.I hate my alarm clock with a burning passion.If I eat,I feel horrible;if I don't eat,I run the risk of fainting and...and being eaten by pigeons,let's say.The amount of "school work" I have to do is equally opposite to my will and determination.I have moments when I can't even breathe properly.This inopportune rain is literally killing me and my clothes couldn't be more wet and cold.People are starting to annoy me to the point of closed eyes and prayers.I'm growing mean and sad and lonely.I don't like myself anymore.

"One more day"-this is how I get past the devils in my head.One baby step at a time.One lie per hour.I'm such a fool,but there's no other way.Not for me there isn't,anyway.Art isn't comforting anymore and my mind's dissolving like a fragile shore.Trust me,this isn't a lament.This is the real deal.This is me actually confessing a hurtful state of being.This is horrible.

I miss the way I used to be.Naive.Happy.Beautifully lost in books and tea and surreal representations of the world.Incredibly oblivious and hopelessly in love with the miracle of human life.Anchored to a simple,plain,ideal existence.Protected by a familiar shield.Self-sufficient.How did I lose all that?Why?Where?

Maybe I'm not crazy...yet.At least,I hope I'm not.I need sleep.And some encouragement.

Salvation would be nice.