miercuri, 31 octombrie 2012

Bright lights and soggy eyes

...I'm just really pissed off right now.Nothing is fine and I can't deal with this imposed denial anymore!Try as I might,the lie resurfaces again and again,polluting my mind,my life,my sanity.
First of all,the faces.I pass by so many strangers in one single day,that my brain has started to link each one with something familiar.Friends,actors,musicians,everything that I know and love scattered around this impersonal canvas...just to make me feel more secure.It's like my subconscious is trying to shield me,well,basically,from myself.So these weary eyes clutch to so many damn details in the hope of relief,of comfort,of recognition.
Speaking of which,I think I'm turning into a bratty 5-year old...again.I don't know,I just miss human touch so much.Not the vulgar interaction with which I'm (apparently) "blessed" on the subway or down a busy street,no.I'm talking about holding hands,sharing a hug,a kiss on the forehead,things like that.I want to be reminded that somebody cares about me,that I'm worth something,that I'm loved.I want to be certain of my knowledge,of my dignity,of my stamina.I just want...
My personality's fading away.Yep,irony has struck yet again!In a place where nobody gives a rat's ass if your head is shaved or you have a peacock on your shoulder as an accessory,I have "decided" to let myself go.Just like that.Be plain,be ordinary,be myself,in the end.Because,to be honest,why would you notice me?I have nothing to offer and everything to lustily demand.Fair trade?I think not.One day,maybe I'll end up a plain shell,a moving body,a hallow spirit.Ah,why do I always look for salvation from the outside?Why can't I get it into my head that nobody's going to come and rescue me from this makeshift Hell of mine?Jesus,I'm pathetic!Seriously.
I almost cried today."Almost" because I was returning home and there were too many people around me and bleah!But I was holding on to my bag like a drowning man to a buoy,constantly playing with my fingers and touching my wrists as if for security.Am I that obvious?This tragic?I mean,I've started "deducing" myself on the subway,for crying out loud!Jesus!It's sad and pointless and nothing good can come out of it!Only sorrow and the feeling of inferiority.And I don't think I can take any more of that right now...
Anyhow,the point is that I didn't start bawling in front of those innocent bystanders.Instead,I came here,to a blank sheet of paper.These are my tears,these almost coherent words,laid out like a peculiar row of twisted limbs.This is something even I can't take away from myself-writing.For I will never stop using this form of art as an outlet,God willing!It's in my blood now,like coffee and the burning desire to go home.
Home!Such a sweet word,yet full of silent torture.Honestly,I'm scared out of my wits by this seemingly never-ending cycle of "here"-"there" twirls- will I ever settle down emotionally,not only physically?Don't answer that.It would be a joke and a sin.
My body's decomposing,I'm tired,I'm hungry,everything hurts,I have to study,life sucks.Music isn't the same balm anymore and I've run out of sweets.I weep for myself.
Tomorrow,please be better!I'm counting on that.

P.S.I just remembered-it's Halloween.Awesome.

3 comentarii:

Tibi spunea...

You know, there are many thoughts in this text that I could swear to be coming from my own mind. I feel quite the same about those needs you've mentioned, except my home is nothing like a "home" ought to be... So what if... just what if I tried to help you? it may sound crazy, but I believe that we share a lot of feelings and thoughts...

Adriana spunea...

Believe it or not,I've been told that before!We're all alike,I think,in misery and in joy.Unfortunately.
Oh,darling,I'm sorry to hear that!I hope things work out for you soon-after all,they say "home is where the heart is".
I'd much appreciate some help,but you can't move mountains and the only way to comfort me right now is two make two very different worlds collide both physically and spiritually.And that's kinda hard,if not impossible.

Tibi spunea...

Well, all I can do is try, if you gave me one chance. Of course nobody can move mountains, but moving mountains never made anyone happy either. And worry not, things will go my way for me some time :)