luni, 19 august 2013

Emotionally clogged

I feel humiliated.I feel scared.I feel sick to my stomach.It never crossed my mind that reality could,all of a sudden,take more of its side of the deal.
It's funny how you can accuse yourself of a thousand imaginary crimes in your head without a flinch,yet,the minute an "outsider" points out some flaw,you feel your knees grow weak and your cheeks flushed and your heart somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.It's funny-only actually it's not.
What hurts most is that...Well,everything hurts right now.From my teeth to my hips to my ankles,it all seems surreal and unworthy.I seem surreal to myself.
When a member of the family whom you hold near and dear calls out in front of your friends the fact that you basically stay inside all day,surrounded by cats and a general desire to not do one single thing,then...Then you die a little inside.Because you're wearing stupid "around the house" clothes and you feel uncomfortable.Because,even though you know they understand your reasons more than anyone,you wish your friends didn't hear that.Because you're rendered speechless by a "joke" that makes you want to cry rather than laugh.
I can't cry for the life of me right now,which would be the best remedy for this godforsaken day.She had no right,no right to do that to me,not with "witnesses" anyway.Like they say around here,"no good deed goes unpunished".
I wish I could just switch myself off and come back from within the void with some damn answers.Truth be told,I'd rather just not exist this afternoon...
And,wouldn't you know it,I still ended up being the "big bad bitch"!Go figure.
I'm out of words,out of tears,I'm emotionally clogged.Pair that up with some anxiety and a lot of questions and you'll find yourself wishing you lived closer to a liquor store.
I feel irrationally young.I feel clueless.I feel like I'm the only one that hasn't gotten her life together.And that just sucks immensely.
I'm a human size ball of pain that's not even real and I don't have a memory eraser.
This is one of those days when everything appears to be too fucked up for logic to apply.

Niciun comentariu: