What a night!

What do you get when you put together a "freshly" neutered cat that won't stand being on its own,an Arctic Monkeys blog (with matching soundtrack) and yours truly,with an accompanying ache brought about by the wisest of teeth?

Well,you get a sleepless night,semi-hallucinations and a general sensation that you've greeted the New Year one night too soon.

It's one thing to go to bed at a time that barely misses the sunrise,but it's a whole other story oscillating between sleep and restlessness from about 3:30 am to 7 am.
And,thanks to this most memorable experience,I've spent today as a zombie,with no interest in school or life or anything.I "stole" a nap,but even that was a fail because my loving and fat kittens decided to keep me warm (as in "they sat on my chest and I woke up because I couldn't breathe anymore at some point")."The adventures of a pet owner"-live and uncut,ladies and gentlemen!

Anyway,today doesn't even seem like the last year at all!There's no snow outside,I'm spending tonight at home and I feel pretty darn miserable,to be honest.

"The end" never felt so incomplete...

Too bad for empathy...

When I die,it will be by my own hand.And not my real hand (hopefully),but of that intricate metaphor which combines all that I am into one.In short,it will be love and hate and everything in between.

I'm such a frightful creature,though!While most of the time I strive for the screaming part to be internal,there are circumstances,even common like the one today,when you just can't hide shaking hands and a trembling voice.In part,it's utter feeble character,I'll admit wholeheartedly,but what I'm most afraid of is loss.

I don't have much,but it surely feels like a lot when I suddenly realize it's risen dust and that it must someday fall again.I can't even bring myself to say the word,let alone...

I keep on trying,even though I almost swore I wouldn't do it anymore.Why can't I keep the promises I make to myself?Maybe that's a form of cowardice as well...

If I could,I would gather all the pain surrounding me and I'd pour it into myself.It makes me miserable to the core when I see someone or something that I love suffering.Me?I'm a tough cookie,I can take it-even when I can't.But them?
I guess it's a matter of perspective.Though I suspect a long night ahead...

Little miracle

and,for once in a lifetime,
this Sunday doesn't feel like
a cement claw
awaiting for me to fall
to my knees
and surrender

normal coffee,normal blanket,
normal worries-
no weird gut churning,
no apocalyptic mid-day crisis,
no peculiar sunset,
which seems like a blessing
and a spiritual kiss

maybe the calendar broke
into little pieces with
no name or identity,
so that I could live
in sequences
of emotions and rainy days

so,for once in forever,
this Sunday didn't break
my heart

Family all around

Waking up before 9 am on a holiday is just wrong.
Red sweater,black pants,I'm ready for a revolution,yes.
I should really learn how to drive this summer.
I will never feel as embarrassed as when my father yelled at my mother in front of distant relatives.
This is where I'm supposed to be-in the middle of nature,soaking up all its richness,learning how to enjoy the silence yet again.
Delicious food,a warm room,lovely grandmother-is there any other type of "good life" besides this one right here?
If the whole college thing goes to the deuce,then I'm becoming a full-time photographer.
It should be physically impossible for me to walk around after that much food.
Though not often performed, this "family visiting ritual" never fails to have something special to it.
What a beautiful sunset to seal such a beautiful day!
When I said "I'll stay in the car",I never imagined waiting for about 2 hours in the cold and dark,but whatever.
I've managed to start missing my cats after not even one full day.
Candy and stories-I'm in.
I'm tired,but I know I won't be able to sleep,so let's stare around the room and reminisce...

Older honey

   My dearest friend,

   Another year has gone by and,by God knows which miracle,you have still decided to call me "friend".You may be older,love,but you're not wiser...

   I thank you for accepting me as I am,college-smothered and crazy-coated and all.You are one of the most wonderful people I know and I'm grateful to the Universe for deciding to put us in parallel desks in high school.

   Your insanely good drawings remind me of winter poppies,star-like stories and black&white anatomy;they also remind me how blessed I am to be around such an artist and person from which I can learn to grow.

   You've always been there when I needed a piece of advice or to rant or just to fangirl over people who have descended from the Heavens onto this earth to torment us with perfection.Though I am sorry for not always being there when you needed me,I really am.

   Thank you for all these beautiful years and late-night talks and cups of coffee shared on sleepy mornings.Thank you for all those silly,inappropriate jokes and memorable summer songs and green-tainted photos.Thank you for being you.

   Happy birthday,love!

Yours truly,

A.

Not a plan in sight

It's a bloody curse,no more,no less.There's no other logical explanation.I mean,how would you otherwise account for the fact that I can never make any sort of plans?

If I want to go somewhere,something inevitably comes up or I get "people fright" or whatever.If I want to write,then the walls seem to be caving in and a sudden urge to hide under the bed overwhelms me.If I want to watch a movie,the TV turns all fuzzy or we have relatives coming over.My "carpe diem" is really fucked up,man.

People say I'm crazy for thinking this way,but I think it's just rather sad and a little tragic.I mean,I even chose where to go to high school at the last moment.Same goes for college.What's next?Don't answer that.

I am literally afraid to plan ahead because I always get this gut feeling it's all going to go to Hell.Why even bother then?

And,in all honesty,it's frustrating when others laugh,but I really do feel powerless.And it's not only about the small things...

I'm not good at "living the moment",but I seem to be forced into this truce by an invisible force.So I can't promise anything-ever.

Yep,not a plan in sight for me.Which is basically...awful.

"Merry Christmas!"

the tree is freezing in another room
and I'm too angry to go see my "present"
and I spent the morning reading
and my grandmother kissed me on the forehead
and the cats have stinky breath
and I can't talk to my mother
and the sun is a cheapskate
and I'm drowning in cold music
and this sweater is itchy
and the world might as well have stopped turning
and dinner is a joke
and coffee is my new religion
and the "holiday cheer" seems real only on TV
and I can't remember the last time I painted my nails
and I can't stop eating oranges
and I feel like utterly giving up
and dad said "thank you!"
and I wish I had more courage
and the room appears to be a dimming cocoon
and the air is filled with sparks of fire
I wish I could turn into stars

I don't get it

It doesn't feel like a holiday anymore,not one single bit.

I remember being a kid and taking pictures under the Christmas tree.I remember the sweetness of everything around me and how it felt right falling asleep while waiting for Santa Claus.I remember an innocent sort of happiness I'll never feel again.

Time went by and here we are now.What happened along the way?Where is at least one spark of that young magic?Why do I seem to be greeting the end of something?

People are angry and I'm thinking about distant responsibilities and the lack of snow outside is making me miserable.

I don't get how tomorrow means the first day of Christmas,it's a very surreal concept.Yes,mom's making food and there are colorful lights around the windows and the TV screen flaunts the same jolly-themed movies,but...why?It might as well be a chilly August day-I'd rather be willing to ignore the calendar than admit I'm becoming more and more numb.

These are just simple days of idleness before the storm.

I miss being a child.I miss the way chocolate tasted that morning.I miss being happy and not knowing.

Lack of spirit

You know what I hate most about the holidays?The fact that we just can't get along as a family.
Every single year there has got to be some sort of problem or fight or both.I'd hate to say the word "curse",but I can't seem to find a better substitute.And it sucks to think that you'll never get a glimpse of Christmas spent as they show it in coffee commercials or whatnot.
I don't want perfection,far from me such an impossible goal-I just want us to get along,to be somehow happy,I don't know,not fuck up another chance of being together.I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on glass ,that I should always calculate what I'm about to say,that we're a time-bomb on the verge of exploding.
Christmas isn't what it used to be anymore,I understand it all too well.But I can't become a child any more than they can,so we'll have to make do with the present.
I don't care about gifts,about oranges or about a tree,I care about us first and foremost.Well,I care a little about the oranges though...
If,at some sort of spiritual/alien/parallel universe level,Santa is real,then all I want from him this year is balance,understanding,a family as should be.

Magnolia fields

Un deal lugubru si inecat in noroi.Picioare ingreunate de urcus.Sentimentul de groaza permanenta.Un camp intins cat vezi cu ochii in toate directiile.Copaci ascutiti si negri culcati in siruri la pamant.In cateva crengi,corcituri mari si carnoase de magnolii-bujori.Un cer limpede in tonuri stridente de fucsia si oranj.Liniste infricosatoare.Senzatia de prada.Se rupe filmul.

In sinea mea ingenua,credeam ca somnul a ramas un ultim refugiu in care sa scap de toata nebunia pe care mi-o aduc singura ca un blestem din timpul zilei.Se pare ca m-am inselat:ma urmareste frica pana si mai departe de intuneric.De parca sunt si vesela rau in ultima vreme!Acum ma lupt cu mine pe doua fronturi.Nici nu vreau sa descifrez ce inseamna...asta.Nu ma ajuta cu nimic.Nu dispare senzatia...

Duminica e intotdeauna o zi dubioasa,dar asta parca le intrece pe toate.De parca oscilez intre doua realitati,intre doua lumi,dar niciuna nu-mi place suficient cat sa ma simt intreaga.Am incercat sa-mi ocup timpul mintii cu altceva,insa ceva meschin din mine a tinut neaparat sa retraiasca iar si iar si iar cosmarul.Nu credeam ca florile pot aduce atata amar.

Late birthday

mi-a fost dor de noi,
de locul unde ne-am intalnit atatea veri,
de imbratisarea care amuteste cuvintele,
de pasul alert care ne-nfasoara cand vrem
sa cucerim noaptea

mi-a fost dor de masa din lemn,
de fumul persistent al tigarilor straine,
de vinul fiert care ne aminteste
de toate povestile pe care le-am insufletit
impreuna

mi-a fost dor de cadourile cu trecut in spate,
de secretele pe care le impartasim,
de sentimentul ca acolo exista cineva
care te cunoaste altfel
decat te vezi singur in oglinda

mi-a fost dor sa ne plangem sincer
de oamenii absurzi,
de timpul pierdut,
de intrebarile fara raspuns
pe care le traim zi de zi

mi-a fost dor de o plimbare prin parc,
de rasetele nocturne,
de clipele inghetate (literalmente) in timp
si spatiu luminat

mi-a fost dor de noi trei

Money and candy

I woke up late.
I didn't care that I woke up late because "Eff it!".
I ate breakfast and enjoyed some steaming coffee.
I convinced my dad to go shopping with me.
I cherished the fact that my bank account had money in it again (though it should have been there since 2 months ago and now it's currently drained once again,so...).
I bought candy for others.
I argued with my mother over the phone because,hey!,the holidays are almost here!
I started buying presents (what an adventure that's going to be!).
I came home and crashed into my bed.
I smothered my cats with affection.
I realized what a blessing it is to have more than one room to move around in.
I confessed my orange addiction.
I started my new career as a "handmade professional" (though my room looked like the aftermath of a textile war).
I almost gave up.
I fed my new Arctic Monkeys obsession because HELL YEAH!
I came to the conclusion that my pantry is blissfully packed with wine.
I almost broke another needle.
I figured that cats aren't great helpers when it comes to working with thread.
I shoved everything under the bed.
I called it a night.