I don't ever want to feel like this...Broken.Sad.Irretrievably hallow.I fear my own incompetency as much as I do success.It feels as if my brain is being pumped with bad adrenaline and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm surrounded by bloody tissues,crumpled paper and weary silence-when did I sign up for this?To whom did I wrongfully sell my soul?
"It's a stupid exam,get over yourself!"-I know,I know.You're absolutely right and I wish I knew how to listen.But...I'm crappy when it comes to speaking and charming,as I am with most human interaction.Do you see the issue now?
I never fully understood my anxiety up until today-because,as silly as it may seem,my fear is real and here and overpowering.
Jesus,this is so stupid!How am I ever going to deal with my life?Every challenge of such sorts appears to be a very unique road to Hell,one which I pave for myself each time.
I'm trying,I really am.But,you see,this is why I write-because I'd rather have my hands covered in ink than my mouth with sounds.Because people sometimes scare me and I usually tend to scare them away.Because I'm afraid of not being good enough,"perfect" enough.
I hope a little bit of self-inflicted courage,alongside a little bit of sleep,will help.Otherwise...
I'm good.I'm grand.See you on the other side!