Rain,white wine,liberation

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do to one's mood!Well,putting aside the fact that every single bone in my body hurts and my muscles are sore as Hell.Other than that,the thought of a summer all to myself is selfishly liberating.

I don't care about the rain outside,I don't care about the fact that I have to leave the house in order to fix something I didn't even break.

I'm putting behind me negativity so that I can start focusing on "now" for the time being.

And life is sure damn worth living when you've got a bottle of white wine in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other (no reference intended).And,before you attribute my "jolly" mood to the before mentioned item known as "alcohol",I must step in and say that you are absolutely...right.

My "happiness" comes from a glass and I'm OK with that.Actually,I'm more than that.Actually,I'm scared.

I'm scared that my newfound freedom will somehow overwhelm me and I'll end up with just another wasted summer.

I want to make memories,but,at the same time,I want to be left alone with my laptop and books and movies and music and coffee and cats-do you understand my existential crisis?

Maybe it's the liquor talking,but I already feel useless and not even the first day has gone by.

When you want everything and nothing all at once,you get stuck in a state that eludes the written word completely.

Even so,I'll just continue to stuff myself with candy and food and colorful beverages until I either get a spark of genius or fall into a diabetic coma.Truth be told,the latter is more likely to happen than anything.

Freedom is tiresome,did you know that?Also,draining and troublesome.Seems like the transition from "work hard" to "party hard" (*insert laughing audience here*) isn't going as smoothly as I had planned.

But you know what?I'm going to grab my bottle and watch "Star Trek" and be happy for a while because I deserve it.That's right,I do!

That being said...cheers!

Tainted final chapter

I just had to be a martyr,didn't I...

I wish I could just forget most of today,but it's too vivid and raw to be sent into oblivion.

I felt...I felt alone and humiliated,dragging what was probably my weight in things I never thought could be this heavy.I felt as if I was drifting in a sea of judgmental eyes and unhelpful hands.I felt weak and sad and unable to cope with a trembling body.It seems I had a price to pay,but,honestly,I can't remember what I bought in the first place.

I knew it was going to be this way,yet I was still hoping for some kind of cosmic mercy.Alas,it failed to come.So I let the heat and sweat enclose me,my eyes to swipe all the floors,my voice to break over the phone.

I don't blame anybody,but I do.Of course it would have been nice to just jump into a car and not worry about so damn much,but...One has to remember to count his blessings first and foremost.

I'll forget the blisters on my hand.I'll wipe the hot tears off my face.I'll unpack and scatter these fresh memories around the house.Time numbs all wounds,though it must first have to pass.

I long to sleep and heal.Find some piece of mind.Like that will be the day...

Unpleasant things aside,this day marks the end of my first year of college.All I can say is that it was...something.Both sweet and bitter,as are most things.I'm proud and uncertain,eager and regretful,content and confused.I won't talk about my grades or current knowledge because it's not something I can truly process right this instant.

The "not so funny" thing is that I don't feel older or wiser,not even in the least bit.Just more damaged,to be fair.And afraid.And lost...

Thank God,I'm home and the hardest part of the day is behind me!I don't know how I got through,but I did and I'm grateful for it.

Maybe the swelling in my hand will go away in a few days and some sleep will wash away all the emotional debris.

I'm not a martyr.I'm really not...

"Hit and run"

O fi el ultimul examen,dar am fugit azi de responsabilitatea lui ca de ultima boala infectioasa.Ceea ce e stupid:pe langa restul "masacrelor emotionale",asta e pomana curata la capitolul volum de studiu.Plus ca e chiar interesant.

Dar nu mai pot,frate.

Mi-e fizic greata din cauza oboselii,mai am de impachetat o gramada de chestii,plus ca iar s-a lasat caldura.

Scriu si citesc,citesc si scriu,dar tot degeaba-"tabula rasa" imi sta stampilat pe frunte.

N-am avut eu treaba:m-am "plimbat",am fost pe la biblioteca,am asteptat pe holurile facultatii,viata de student.

Ultimul pas e cel mai greu de facut,acum incep sa inteleg cu adevarat sintagma.

Nu pot sa ma gandesc decat la faptul ca maine ma mut din camin si plec singura cu un bagaj cat Pluto si mai bine nu ma gandesc la asta ca mi se face si mai rau.Imi place mie sa fac pe martirul,ce sa mai...Si nici nu stiu sa pun piciorul in prag cand trebuie.

Asa ca maine mergem pe principiul "hit and run":"da-i cu pixu' si pregateste acatistu' "...

O zi.O zi,mai...Si nici aia intreaga.

Black pawn,white pawn

Am adormit plangand pentru ca mi-am amintit prea viu toate nenorocirile personale si ale lumii.
Am mancat bucatica de ciocolata in speranta ca asa voi putea face rost de putina fericire artificiala.
Am vorbit cu ai mei sa ma linisteasca.
Am ascultat melodia ce inca imi aminteste de un "la revedere" dureros si ireal.
Am recitit toate cuvintele acelea cu iz de mort si glorie intarziata.
Am imbracat si dezbracat hainele de prea multe ori.
Am considerat clipele din metrou amintiri in devenire.
Am facut gauri in gresia de pe holul facultatii cu balerinii murdari.
Am ajuns la concluzia ca norocul ne ocoleste azi.
Am incercat sa impart si sa-mi fac parte,insa gustul amar de dupa mi-a aratat ca n-am procedat bine.
Am trecut prin toate emotiile posibile,de la furie la extaz mascat.
Am rasuflat usurata,desi oasele mi se prabuseau sub mine.
Am trait bucuria ce depaseste granitele unui numar si le cuprinde pe cele ale unei aprecieri neasteptate.
Am evadat in muzica,somn,odihna.
Am regretat si n-am regretat.
Am scapat...aproape.

Luminous incubus

he needs only a moment,a glimpse
of heavy eyelids to corrupt with visions
a mind still longing for blue and arms
and Heaven

tangled insides,tense flesh,stone mouth-
pieces of his cosmic game,which he
caresses with lust and delight,
all to my imaginary demise

night should be his comfort,yet he comes
when solar tides taint the walls
and burn my thighs and pierce my soul
like the gust of fear I've been running from
for so long

tomorrow sounds like Hell,yet today hurts no less-
the limbo of my patched up happiness
can't be escaped,can't be erased

I'm doomed,but all I want
is to make him stay till dark

Sinking skin

No more.

My body is telling me I should cling to the mattress,yet I'm stubborn and reach for another black coffee.I sway between eagerness and apathy,then set my alarm clock for a mere 10 minutes' worth of sleep.

Rising heat,warm feet,scattered papers-I need color to remember,but what senses should I tingle for a bit of motivation?There's no use,we're both too self-destructive to deserve a solution...

This tiresome routine has gotten into my bones and my bones now want to rest.

Oh,how my churning stomach never fails to remind me of my frailty!

Knowledge and wisdom don't seem to match in my case.

I'm falling,I'm sinking,I'm being absorbed by an environment I wish to escape.It wouldn't surprise me if even my skin started itching too...

I'm the type of person who will need to listen to a certain song in order to carry on,who will cry into her biscuits in the middle of the night while reading about Keats,who will suffer for nothing over and over and over again...

More.

Damp white shirt

Am momente cand totul se desfasoara din inertie si nici macar nu mai stiu cine sunt.

Ma simt epuizata,depasita de situatie,insuficienta.

Nu mai detin capacitatea de a distinge ce este important si ce este derizoriu,asa ca bag intregul apanaj de oglinzi ale vietii in acelasi sac si le las sa ma chinuie infinit.

Caldura infernala nu ma ajuta deloc,iar stresul aferent acestei perioade ma macina sistematic.

Mi-e rusine cu mine fata de mine.Mi-e rusine de capul imbuibat cu litere fosforescente,de tricoul asta alb care mi s-a lipit umed de spate,de gandul ca ma inspaimanta in mod real o coala neinceputa.

Inteleg,dar nu inteleg-asa ca ajung sa-mi pun pentru a suta mia oara intrebarea "pentru ce?".

Nu vreau sa raspund,nu stiu,nu pot.

Ma simt goala.Golita.Neinteresanta si neputincioasa.Si cat mai am de tras...

As vrea sa existe o reteta pentru fericire deplina,sa o pot fura.Si una pentru falci desclestate cand dormi.Poate chiar pentru pofta de viata...

Ultima saptamana imi pare cea mai lunga si cea mai grea.

Earthly waves

I've been chasing a storm ever since last night,but the wheels have turned and now I'm being chased by it,in my churning guts,in my sleepless hours,in my blank stare.

I feel as if I have swallowed the Moon:my eyes are gleaming from behind,my insides are waves no ocean could hold.

Touch me with a needle -I'll burst out weeping as if I were still a child.

I can't stand this too familiar road,this nauseating sensation,this sizzling train-this last week feels like a hellish year.

I'll never understand rude men,my need for colorful words and a constant propinquity for projecting the future in a doomed fashion.

The gates of Hell are open and its heat pours upon us-I can't find another rightful explanation.

I am so absolutely done with these vapid words,these silly social trials,this self-inflicted torture...yet I carry on.

Don't mention food,don't mention coffee-it's that bad.

My lungs cannot bear both the pressure of this insufferable heat and that of my own.

Prayers and trembling body.

Melting and stressing

Mereu mi se intampla asa:ziua stau linistita si fericita,iar seara ma navalesc toate nenorocirile de pe pamant.

Imi simt inima in gat si stomacul pe podea.Caldura asta nesuferita nu ma lasa deloc sa gandesc limpede,dar nici furtuna luminoasa din departare nu ajuta...

M-am saturat sa-mi fie tot timpul frica,greata,somn,sila,dracii sa ma pieptene,nu stiu!Si nu e vorba doar de sesiune...Asa sunt eu:mi-e bine pana cand nu-mi mai e.

Deja visez la vinul alb si relaxarea de duminica viitoare,dar cred ca ma hazardez-mai am de trecut un munte pana atunci...Si ma enerveaza!

Ma enerveaza ca astazi a fost o zi tare frumoasa,insa eu n-am putut s-o apreciez cum trebuie pentru ca...Pentru ca sunt o idioata,d-aia.Nu merit zile cu soare si camere racoroase si pisici jucause si o familie superba si privilegii cu duiumul.

Traiesc in alta lume si se pare ca nu mai am timp si pentru cea reala.Dumnezeu cu mila!

Eu mi-am depasit numarul de fluctuatii emotionale permis si nu mai pot.

O sa ma topesc,o sa ma inghita furtuna,o sa ma dau cu capul de pereti pana o sa-i colorez cu rosu cald.

Dark blue suit

It was delightful.He smiled the most charming smile,then took me into a menacingly pleasant embrace.I could feel every fiber of his dark blue suit,every tense muscle against my throat.His shoulders were both soft and firm,almost tender.I felt enclosed,caged,relieved.His right hand wandered from the small of my back and slipped downwards,grabbing and clawing like a predator would a most prized meat.I knew I was as good as dead,but I really didn't care.I was falling and he had caught me,even if only to throw me harder into the abyss.I became darkness.

It was the sweetest thing.He was fumbling with a bag,which I helped him open.That thankful smile was the most rewarding answer,while his hands lingered on mine.The train was racing,mountains and woods glided before our eyes through the large windows,faces I thought I knew smiled and passed between us.I started talking,mentioning some stupid detail about my short hair.He immediately noticed and complimented me with words I could swear were taken from my own mouth.He knew and I understood that in return.I closed my eyes and giggled.He knew...

It was hellish.The heat smothered me today and numbed me beyond recognition.My feet clung to the cold cement and dirt,even when my thoughts were filled with gory scenarios and fly infested images.I swear,sometimes I think there's not enough liquor in the world to quench the thirst of my nightmares,be them of day or night...I care too much about everything and everyone,worry too much,project too much,all at once.My heart pumped lava through my veins and my lungs folded steam-I can't function with a boiler on the verge of collapse for a brain...I saw crimson before my eyes,but not the lovely kind.

It was enchanting.My little brother,almost grown up!I barely remember sixth grade,but there must be a reason behind that.Incidentally,this was my school too,so seeing all my former teachers genuinely delighted to once again meet me stapled the biggest smile on my face for the rest of the day.It's peculiar and somewhat painful to compare how others see you with the way you perceive yourself.It gives you hope ,but nonetheless breeds disappointment.Even so,I felt so proud of my kid and his accomplishments and the fact that he is and always will be my little brother.How they grow!

It was...something.My day generally went from dream to reality,as it always does.When one becomes too much,I slide into the other.Makeshift memories,bulletproof senses,radioactive thoughts-my shoes don't need a mile to prove a point...Though I'd rather stay asleep,nightmares push me into a disturbingly similar alternative.Still,there is light even in the darkest of times...or places.

Don't you dare!

Don't you dare try to imply that my love is "not enough","misguided","unreal".

I can choose to love a flower as I do a man because they both return to the same bloody earth from which they came in the first place.Because I make the rules of my heart and draw the lines of my soul's hierarchy.Because it's my fucking life and I should at least get to decide the sufferings and joys that I'm somehow allowed to chose.

I'm being bossed around all day long by strangers and family,customs and social laws,"obligation" and "responsibility",but this is just too much.I put my foot in the door when it comes to managing my feelings.

I won't permit it.I won't let you put a filter where there should be rawness or squander my hatred or lock up my affection for "suitable" individuals.

This is me:a carelessly human machine that's prone to passion and apathy and everything in between.

So don't you dare tell me I'm "acting childish","silly","out of control".

Don't you dare...

Imaginary recovery

sa fiu un om mediocru si vesel,
cu pantaloni necalcati si tricouri patate,
beat de propria-mi insignifianta

sa fiu o pisicuta tolanita la soare,
cu labute albe si ochi mirati de toate,
multumita cu putinul important ce mi se da

sa fiu o visina rascoapta,
trecuta prin toate si ravnita de toti,
sa mor dulce-acrisor si oferind placere

sa fiu o bluza movulie,
lipita de umeri si trecuta peste genunchi,
o piele secundara din bumbac si povesti

sa fiu fantoma irealitatilor mele,
proiectata perfect si finisata temeinic,
materie prima a Universurilor paralele

sa fiu un nebun lucid,
cu simturi inflacarate si buze albastre,
varianta mai "romantica" a celui de acum

Letting everything crash

Well,didn't this day work out like a fucking gem!

Now,don't get me wrong:I'm not mad or anything like that,just...disappointed.And a bit humiliated.And on the verge of throwing up.Wonderful summer days...

I actually felt nothing.So much for wishful thinking...

I gather this might have been the first exam where my "blank face" really kicked in and either made it worse or saved the day,I can't tell.

I've said it time and time again-I'm not smart.I may be resourceful,even accidentally witty,but not smart.

To me,being smart is being able to access information at any given moment and in any circumstance,even if it's something you first came into contact with on the first day of third grade.That's good memory paired with modern survival skills!

I,on the other hand,take the approach where said information is stored until needed,then discarded of in favor of mental breakdowns and film trivia.Consequently,my method left me feeling like the piece of shit I was so desperately avoiding.

The most hilarious paradox is that I still got a good grade,which is basically like rubbing salt and vinegar and lemon juice in a wound shared by both my eyes.

That's why I continue to feel nothing,because I have so many damn emotions roaring through my head right now that I'd rather "go with the flow" and surrender to whatever sticks.Sweet Mother of God,what am I to do with myself...

Did I ever lie to you and say my favorite season is summer?If so,I take that back with the fury of a thousand burning suns,which is incidentally what I experienced during my two hour train ride back home today.
The first half of it was quite nice:you know,harmonizing with that wavy rhythm,listening to my favorite songs,just letting it all go.Then Lucifer remembered the appointment he promised me and we ended up having a huge delay,while I was about to turn my insides into "outsides" with every movement made.Not to mention the fact that a headache the size of Mars was drilling into my brain and,as usual,I was all alone.
You just can't beat fascinating experiences like this one right here,I'm telling you...

You know what I kinda hate?Waking up sicker than I was in the first place.
I dozed off a couple of hours ago,thinking that my fatigue would go away.Oh,how I was wrong...again!
My mouth now tastes like sand,my eyes are gradually sinking into my skull and my stomach just won't let go of that nauseating sensation that's been bothering me all day.And I wanted to do some work this evening...
Well,life shows me once again that making plans (and sticking to them) never was and never will be my thing.Even my bones seem rusty and heavy,while my jaws tingle with a clenched memory.
It's so hard to sound poetic when your entire organic structure is systematically shutting down...Alas,there's beauty in decay!

I'm letting everything crash.I'm letting everything burn.Maybe the ruins will make a good foundation,maybe the ashes will inspire rebirth.
We'll see:tomorrow...

Watercolor vision

It's somewhat hard to distinguish between what's real and what's not when you've been awake till 4 a.m.,but I'll have to try.

My bare feet are real and so is my coffee.I'm not so certain about this sickening taste in my mouth,but I'm pretty sure it's real too.
This really doesn't help the fact that I'm losing sight of who I am,of who I want to become.

My vision is blurry,I'm alone with thoughts I can't handle,while this unforgiving heat is slowly making me want to be in a more familiar setting.

A part of me wants to prove something,another has nothing to prove,while the other sulks in a drowsy state of being.

I've become one of those pastel paintings,all dripping in fluid,a pale picture of who I could actually be today.

It's sad and relieving,panic-drenched and calm-injected,wholesome and cancerous at the same time.

I've had a few laughs today,but of the type you need to summon from the core of your body and even to me they seemed forced and crazy.

My heart's pounding again and thoughts I wish I never had are racing behind my eyelids.

I wish I could just feel...nothing.

My colors are overflowing the frame.

Halfway heat

Heavy sleep.Ugly papers.Family breakfast.Comforting coffees.Lazy cats.Neutral news.Sexy story.Crimson song.Sweet heat.Wandering mind.Year-old memories.Purple luggage.Homemade food.Unwilling departure.Burning sun.Best friend coincidence.Chatty train ride.Empty subway.Shadowy room.Annoying silence.Unappetizing hunger.Suffocating air.Itchy blanket.Nauseating  roaches.Early packing.Pointless running around the room.Almost empty shelves.Pink highlighter.Surrendering eyelids.Twitchy nap.Frightening heartbeat.Calming smoke.Distant hugs and reassurances.Romantic music.Persistent bugs.Black sweat.Building insanity.Unwanted flashbacks.Creepy clock.Sinking solitude.Orange shorts.Peculiar sensation.Instinctual fear.Lonely bed.Stupid self-demands.Escaping in beauty.Stale breath.Unfamiliar mirror.Weird noises.Running water.Unequal day.

Clouds,cats,crisis

Well,here we are again:another "beautiful" Saturday that I get to spend watching dark clouds,taking care of bratty cats and wondering what the Hell my life has become.Jealous,aren't you?

I love to learn and grow as a person,but I loathe to the core being pressured into displaying my knowledge like a human peacock,more so if it's the case of an exam.

I mean,all my efforts and frayed nerves and sleepless nights,everything reduced to a number that is influenced by so many factors I don't even want to get into-fair?I think not.

While I don't reduce my capacities to this (c'mon!),I "need" that number because it influences (in a very stupid way) an array of circumstances that are still to come.

But all I want is to know,to assimilate,to feed that intrinsic hunger for information that defines our kind,not feel like a worthless piece of shit every single time my memory fails me or my emotions get the best of me.

So,you see,another fun day in the Hellsville of my mind.

Thank God,at least I'm home with my family,otherwise...

Ghostly bones

Se intampla ceva bizar cu mine.Poate e de vina toata presiunea,poate nu-mi face bine oscilatia ploaie-caldura.Nu stiu.
Parca am inceput din nou sa cresc,dar intr-un mod grotesc.Mi-e tot timpul somn,dar un somn greu si conturat cu plumb.Maselele imi muta craniul si ochii nu mai vor sa stea deschisi.Am puncte de durere in cele mai ciudate locuri si noaptea ma dezvaluie putin mai nebuna decat mi-ar placea sa admit.
Totusi,parca tin mai mult la mine,asa "stricata" si neclara cum sunt.Ma uit in oglinda si vad un chip,un suflet la care as putea sa tin sincer.Se vede ca am stat cam mult in casa zilele astea,nu-i asa?Ma simt inevitabil atrasa de "incomplet" si "slab",chiar daca ma indrept doar spre oglinda...
Iar o sa ma prinda mijlocul noptii citind ceva ce nu inteleg si iar n-o sa mai inteleg nimic din existenta asta fara definitie clara.
Parca ma gadila gleznele,desi eu nu vreau sa plec nicaieri-vreun semn?
O sa-mi cada intr-o zi cerul in cap si eu o sa reactionez in reluare...

Something on the rooftop

nu pot sa dorm
atunci cand acoperisul plange in mijlocul noptii
sub greutatea neglijabila a unor caramizi
din carne rosie

vad umbre
prelungindu-se din coltul ochiului drept
in ceasul lunii descantate
de pisicile de prin vecini

mi-e teama
de scenariile macabre ce se ingramadesc
dupa pleoape cand somnul
ma ademeneste cu o mana din oase
legate cu sarma

ma refugiez
sub gandurile scaldate in strain si albastru
daca realitatea devine mult prea sensibila
la lumina

ceva bantuie
casa
sau pe mine

"Fine"

"Forgive me,Father,for I will sin..."

I absolutely loathe the word "fine",it's like a jinx of mine.Every single damn time I even start to believe things are going fairly OK,something happens to make my knees go weak and my stomach to cringe.

Stating "normalcy" becomes the equivalent of "let's wait and see how long before it all goes to Hell".

Oh,man,take it from me: alcohol and tea don't go well together...If it weren't for my pulse,I'd think myself dead right now.

I just don't feel...real anymore.I'm always seeing things out of the corner of my eye,I'm constantly on the lookout for the next disaster,I'm forever bound to worry about every single fucking thing in the world.

When I cry,they say I'm weak and crazy.Well,maybe I am,maybe I've become so...

I just don't know how to cope with life as it is...I feel spiritually sick,like my soul has a wound I can't heal.

Or won't heal?Beats me.I'm either a masochist or insane-maybe both.

I absolutely loathe the word "fine" because it has become merely a cue for the Devil to step in.

My Devil.

Let's not

tie my hands with flowers and fingers,
dress my legs in tiles,
love me like it's mid January
and let's pretend you're real and alive

there's a softness to my blankets
and a shadow in my pillow
swallowing the crown of flowers and nightmares
I made not to be forsaken

let's not pretend I'm sane enough
to function only on coffee and strange ghosts
that carry your image within the darkness
of my weary soul-
it's all for nothing,
it's a war fought with dust...

so cover my eyes with crispy lace,
undress my backbone with a knife,
hate me like I would myself
and bend the world to make it right

Travel and unravel

O sa vina o zi cand o sa simt si o sa gust pe deplin libertatea sufletului-o sa vina.
Am dormit fara monstri sub pat,iar asta imi mai indulceste putin cafeaua.
Mi-e drag de tricoul alb pentru ca imi aminteste de foile pe care imi astern codificat existenta.
Oare o sa fiu vreodata multumita de mine?
Ma indragostesc in fiecare zi de strainii speciali din metrou,insa niciodata nu aflu daca sentimentul este impartasit.
Bagajele imi fac bataturi la mana,caldura ma sufoca,coada de la ghiseu ma invita.
Trenul este vaporul meu etans,iar valurile incarcate de soare imi muta maruntaiele in mine si imi amesteca melodiile in craniu.
Am descoperit mai multe lucruri stand in pat decat am reusit calatorind-trist sau magic?
Cafeaua cu putin lapte este o placere vinovata divina de-a mea.
Pentru ochii lui albastri,m-as face si eu printesa...
Trebuie sa invat sa capitulez atunci cand trupul mi-o cere dureros.

Broken mirror

Do you ever feel like there will always be someone exactly like you,only so much better?

I constantly have this thought at the back of my mind,but today it stood right in front of me,flesh and bone,a broken image that I never really wanted to acknowledge was mine.

I wanted to cry,but my tears failed me,so I remained hollow and longing for salvation.Yes,I do this thing where I believe somebody else will save me-actually,could save me.Stupid,I know...

It's stupid to wait for another broken marionette to grab you by the strings and make the show spectacular.But I'm a stupid little girl underneath all these years carved into my bones and flesh and memories.

I need to be told I'm worth a damn,that I'm special,that I'm beautiful,that I deserve to be alive.I crave an anchor,but I'm at open sea and all I have is a circus mirror.What good can that do me?My ghouls are stirring up again...

It's been a long time since I've felt this...unimportant.

Books,blankets,bids

Pe cat punem pariu ca n-o sa fac nimic cu viata mea?

Adica,pe bune,eu chiar n-am niciun fel de motivatie personala.Faptul ca nu vreau sa-mi dezamagesc familia (si tampitul de ego) sau sa fiu o povara pentru cineva nu se pun-sunt lucruri oarecum independente de ce vreau cu adevarat eu.Bine,ar fi mult mai usor daca as intelege "cu adevarat" si cat mai repede ce vreau.

Pana atunci,mor cu o tona de cursuri si carti in brate,inconjurata de pisici si paturi moi,visand la filme,seriale,muzica si scenarii imposibile in viata asta si cea de dupa.

Situatia avea hazul ei la 15-16 ani,dar la 20 e deja patetic si infricosator.Si simt cum trec clipele,minutele,orele pe langa mine fara niciun rost,iar eu am uitat pana si cum sa le regret goliciunea.Sper sa nu spun asta si peste 5 ani...

Ma plang eu ce ma plang,dar stiu ca nu rezolv nimic oricum.Viata nu se schimba in niciun fel daca ii arati cu degetul defectele.

Prin urmare,pe cat punem pariu ca o sa spun aceleasi lucruri si peste 5 ani?

Thinking puppet

Lazy morning.Coffee breakfast.Demanding little brother.Childhood cartoons."Blue jeans,white shirt".Playful cats.Fluffy blankets.Dull books.Rising summer heat.Fleshy sour cherries.Old memories.Plastic door.Emerald and muddy lighting in a show.Painful heart.Heavy eyelids.Haunting songs.Bubbling panic.Purposeless purpose.Numb ankles.Complete family.Raspy throat.Distant words.Concrete brain.Uninteresting papers.Stinging coffee.Pink hands.Silly child.Metal hours.Blue circles under my eyes.Sleepy skin.Noisy house.Ugly socks.Scattered willingness.Crazy plans.Blinding phantoms.Gliding pen.Cold wall.Crooked spine.Growing night.Thinking puppet.

"And all I want to do

is bang my head against

a wall..."

Lovely love

I...It's hard for me to accept that people actually like me,even love me at some point.It really is...

It's hard because I don't know whether this affection springs from a real core or just relies on some sort of beneficial relationship that I always seem to nurture for others.

Even so,I can't deny that it feels good to be needed-a surrogate for the purpose I apparently lack in life.

I tend to joke about the fact that I'm either going to be the best or the worst mother in the world because I'm very protective,even of the people I've barely met or barely know.

Most of the time,this kind of attitude towards others becomes tiresome and draining,like I'm giving myself in small pieces to all those I get close to.Some take advantage,some couldn't care less,while some accept me as I am.It's not a fair trade,but "we accept the love we think we deserve".

That's why today seemed to me most peculiar.For the first time in forever,I felt loved.Honestly.Euphorically.Collectively.

I'd rather not go into details because my overthinking might spoil this beautiful moment.The thing is I let myself bask in the glory of hugs and kisses of friends,strangers,people I know through other people and that's all.If you could only see the silly smile on my face right now,oh,how would you laugh at a silly creature!

But I can't help but smile and be happy-I've forgotten how to do so wholeheartedly for a while now...

I won't say altruism is the biggest form of egotism there is.I won't admit this "love" is tainted by more practical needs and intellectual stereotypes.I won't even mention how much of an emotional sponge I've become.No.I'll take everything as it is and "store" it up for darker days-and we all know there will be a lot of those...

Love can be lovely when it comes in time of need.And I'm always in need of warm skin,warm lips,warm feelings.

So thank you.

Pointless day and scattered actions

This day has no seams.No purpose.No point.
I wander about just to seem more alive,but every function I fuel could be as easily done by a machine.I eat not to sleep and I sleep not to cry.
There's a meaning to this pale way of being,I know it is,yet I can't seem to convince myself of the not so obvious.
It's funny and mortifying at the same time how even the tinniest of decisions influences your present and future.
You see,I tend to get carried away with these things and see the end of the world everywhere.But that's how I am and it will never change,rest assured.
That's why today was so scary.I had too much time to worry and less to lose myself in an amazingly flatline life.My ghouls got out again,even in broad daylight...
I sometimes can't believe my own existence is mine because it all feels so strange and distant...
I wish I could cry,let it all out.But no.Even my emotions are somewhere else...
This day looks just like a ghost would.

Scarlet and brown

the wolves in my head,they howl when
my insides weep crimson for the dead
and I'm left standing in the middle of the night
among wet sheets that resemble
the wet ashes of my nightmares

pounding,churning,hurting-
my mind punishes my flesh in lunar fits
of crackling bones and tears that refuse
to be born as such-instead,they turn into
howls of my own,muffled and broken
by the stale softness of a pillow

night fades,day grows,I have to be human
once more-time stands still for no one,
not even for somebody who needs it the most

the earth swallows everything in an organic vision
of unwanted Revelation and I count down the hours
as you would the beads of an unholy rosary

my hands tremble,my eyes wonder,my mouth bends-
and I can still hear a howl

Stormy start

Incepu oficial sesiunea.Mda,mda,mnu.

Nici nu pot sa procesez corespunzator faptul ca (aproape) am terminat primul an de facultate,d-apoi sa ma echipez emotional pentru luna care urmeaza.Asa e,o luna intreaga si "distractiva" de examene,stres si nopti mai mult nedormite.

Deja mi-e sila de toate: de mine,de motivele mele,de o mandrie stupida care nu-mi foloseste la nimic.Mi-e sila de orasul asta,cu toti dubiosii pe la toate colturile,cu toata ploaia inoportuna,cu toata viata pe care nu stiu cum s-o mai definesc.Mi-e sila de orasul ala,unde ma asteapta o camera sufocanta,unde aglomeratia ma consuma,unde totul imi pare impersonal si ciudat.Mi-e sila si niciun medicament nu poate vindeca boala abia instalata.

Drumurile cu trenul,golurile din stomac,gandurile invalmasite- it's gonna be fun.

Nu mai exista nicio satisfactie "perversa" in tot chinul asta barbar,asa ca nu-mi ramane decat sa inghit si sa rabd,caci toate trec.Pana si luna asta o sa treaca.Asa cum toate trec...

Incompatibility

I'm young and my wrinkles are imaginary,
but this pain in my bones feels real,
as does my need for space,as do my thoughts
of growing ever so weary.
you scream because you don't understand
and I weep because your tongue
eludes me-we're two strangers
under the same roof; I'm fighting a war
I'm doomed to lose,you're confused
between love and something unknown...
so I sleep.I leap into darkness
from this worn out bed,with cats sprawling
by my eyes,by my hips,by my feet...
I'm hollow,but I fill a body made of
past remembrances and fleshy leaves-
I barely know you,I barely let you know me,
so we dance around a table
with no corners,with no sign of ever being
set free...

Lonely child

I used to crave loneliness with a dull ache,but now I find myself consumed by it.

I don't like an empty house,even when my cats are there to comfort me.I don't like watching silly movies just so that I can have a background noise for a dummy.I don't like feeling like I do now because it makes me dependent on other's will.

The echo is too loud,the space is just too big,the endlessness turns into void.I can't do anything,while still wanting to do everything.
Yet...It's easier this way.To care,to live,to breathe.Imagination kicks in and projections start flowing.

Like I said some time before,some people are easier to love when they're away...Well,most of them are.Distance is a sort of skeleton you can mold with skin and flesh and feelings as you wish-reality is a whole other story.

I plan on spoiling myself with coffee and "Brave" tonight-you know,be a child of some sorts again.

Still,today was a lonely day for all the wrong reasons...