marți, 18 iunie 2013

Letting everything crash

Well,didn't this day work out like a fucking gem!
Now,don't get me wrong:I'm not mad or anything like that,just...disappointed.And a bit humiliated.And on the verge of throwing up.Wonderful summer days...

I actually felt nothing.So much for wishful thinking...
I gather this might have been the first exam where my "blank face" really kicked in and either made it worse or saved the day,I can't tell.
I've said it time and time again-I'm not smart.I may be resourceful,even accidentally witty,but not smart.
To me,being smart is being able to access information at any given moment and in any circumstance,even if it's something you first came into contact with on the first day of third grade.That's good memory paired with modern survival skills!
I,on the other hand,take the approach where said information is stored until needed,then discarded of in favor of mental breakdowns and film trivia.Consequently,my method left me feeling like the piece of shit I was so desperately avoiding.
The most hilarious paradox is that I still got a good grade,which is basically like rubbing salt and vinegar and lemon juice in a wound shared by both my eyes.
That's why I continue to feel nothing,because I have so many damn emotions roaring through my head right now that I'd rather "go with the flow" and surrender to whatever sticks.Sweet Mother of God,what am I to do with myself...

Did I ever lie to you and say my favorite season is summer?If so,I take that back with the fury of a thousand burning suns,which is incidentally what I experienced during my two hour train ride back home today.
The first half of it was quite nice:you know,harmonizing with that wavy rhythm,listening to my favorite songs,just letting it all go.Then Lucifer remembered the appointment he promised me and we ended up having a huge delay,while I was about to turn my insides into "outsides" with every movement made.Not to mention the fact that a headache the size of Mars was drilling into my brain and,as usual,I was all alone.
You just can't beat fascinating experiences like this one right here,I'm telling you...

You know what I kinda hate?Waking up sicker than I was in the first place.
I dozed off a couple of hours ago,thinking that my fatigue would go away.Oh,how I was wrong...again!
My mouth now tastes like sand,my eyes are gradually sinking into my skull and my stomach just won't let go of that nauseating sensation that's been bothering me all day.And I wanted to do some work this evening...
Well,life shows me once again that making plans (and sticking to them) never was and never will be my thing.Even my bones seem rusty and heavy,while my jaws tingle with a clenched memory.
It's so hard to sound poetic when your entire organic structure is systematically shutting down...Alas,there's beauty in decay!

I'm letting everything crash.I'm letting everything burn.Maybe the ruins will make a good foundation,maybe the ashes will inspire rebirth.
We'll see:tomorrow...

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