I...It's hard for me to accept that people actually like me,even love me at some point.It really is...
It's hard because I don't know whether this affection springs from a real core or just relies on some sort of beneficial relationship that I always seem to nurture for others.
Even so,I can't deny that it feels good to be needed-a surrogate for the purpose I apparently lack in life.
I tend to joke about the fact that I'm either going to be the best or the worst mother in the world because I'm very protective,even of the people I've barely met or barely know.
Most of the time,this kind of attitude towards others becomes tiresome and draining,like I'm giving myself in small pieces to all those I get close to.Some take advantage,some couldn't care less,while some accept me as I am.It's not a fair trade,but "we accept the love we think we deserve".
That's why today seemed to me most peculiar.For the first time in forever,I felt loved.Honestly.Euphorically.Collectively.
I'd rather not go into details because my overthinking might spoil this beautiful moment.The thing is I let myself bask in the glory of hugs and kisses of friends,strangers,people I know through other people and that's all.If you could only see the silly smile on my face right now,oh,how would you laugh at a silly creature!
But I can't help but smile and be happy-I've forgotten how to do so wholeheartedly for a while now...
I won't say altruism is the biggest form of egotism there is.I won't admit this "love" is tainted by more practical needs and intellectual stereotypes.I won't even mention how much of an emotional sponge I've become.No.I'll take everything as it is and "store" it up for darker days-and we all know there will be a lot of those...
Love can be lovely when it comes in time of need.And I'm always in need of warm skin,warm lips,warm feelings.
So thank you.