We decide our fate every single moment at a time and that notion just brings me to my knees.I'm scared of what I can control,of what I can't and of what I won't.Life isn't ferocious on a grander scale-the small things get to you faster because you're more likely to be devoured by worms than a whale.
It might sound silly,even truly be so,but it's true.My heart pounds faster at the thought of seemingly petty things:heavy traffic,careless strangers,random glitches of the Universe which aren't in my hands to fix or prevent or smother in the womb.
My vision of Paradise is one where everyone and everything I love doesn't get hurt and doesn't die.Maybe that's why it all feels like Hell here sometimes...
And,as selfless as I care think myself to be,I do want things to go smoothly when they have my name attached to them.I crave comfort,I avoid action,I can be so very purposeless when I really want to be.
But tonight I'm anxious and darkly giddy and afraid to even go to sleep-as I said,it's the little things that get to you...
I am the trembling sea and uncertainty is my bottle-cage.That's why I never make plans-because they always crack when the waves become too confident.
It's utterly tragic how we can be either gods or ants depending on how we roll tomorrow's dice.
Right now,I can't decide whether my smile is fantasy induced or a mirror in reverse reflection of my mood.