luni, 30 septembrie 2013

New small steps

I'm taking things "slow and steady",maybe this is the way to cope with everything now.
I drag my coffee through half the morning because I have to make myself forget that dreadful mattress somehow.I deliberately get swallowed by a sea of people who,just like me,are probably looking to buy something to eat and a false sense of security.I say "Hello!" to friends,listen to some music,follow a schedule in order to avoid future discomfort.It's a good plan,a good mechanism-except for when it's not.
Memories sprout from similarities and coincidences and episodes of early longing and everything just hurts so damn much.This sort of ache can't be verbalized,only felt and contained within a cavity formed by a a few curved bones that don't help at all.
Will this be worth the "sacrifice" someday?Will that even matter then?Will my time spent in a place which makes this heart beat bitter actually produce happiness for others,if not for myself,one day?
It's too early for chameleon questions and the rain outside is nothing short of a reverse medicine.
All I can do is try.I can't guarantee the future,my wellbeing or my sanity.All I can do is try...
Easier said than done,right?Right.Am I a good liar yet?I am.Does the thought of another tomorrow get stuck in my throat?It does.
Small steps,love.Small steps.

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