Sweets and treats

How did I begin my morning,you ask?By descending into Hell-literally.Well,not really,because it was more "literary" than "literally",but I'm sure they've merged at some point during those two hours.Never mind,that exam is fucked by default,so no worries there! *nervous laughter*
Anyway,the day got infinitely better when my two lovely best friends showed up at my dorm room with delicious sweets and funny stories and a feeling that things can,indeed,get better.So,following this line of merriment,I decided to go home after all this weekend.It was my first "on the spur of the moment" decision in a long while,but I packed my bags,I squeezed myself into a car and here I am.
I don't know,maybe something clicked or snapped,but I really do feel different all of a sudden.I'm still scared and paranoid about everything and everyone,but not that much.I even said "No!" today,can you imagine that?
In no way do I want to jinx this,but I sense that change is around the corner,bolder and wiser and longing for a tattoo.And it's not just because I'm home,I can assure you of that.
Ah,what a day,from start to finish!

"Do me a favor"

"...perhaps 'fuck off!' might be too kind"

Dear Universe,fuck you.Like really,really,really screw you.You suck so hard right now,it literally pains me-literally.And I don't care what deity or higher force hears me-let them know because I can't keep it all in anymore.
I do not know how to phrase my emotional state so that it doesn't come off as...pathetic?Dramatic?Childish?Maybe all of them mixed into one.
My parents would not understand (trust me,I know),my friends would pity me and I don't have the energy to go looking for a kind stranger.So I do the next "best thing": I let it all build up inside of me.Yep,heaps upon heaps of anxiety,tears,pain (whichever kind you like),fear and acute longing,nicely sealed with a silence that'll give me a bloody lip these days.Honestly,if I weren't me,I'd consider myself one step closer to insanity right now.
And what's killing me the most is that I do not have the ability to put my inside life into coherent verbal structures.There's no 1:1 correspondence,so I'm left with shaky hands and damp eyes because hey!,maybe I am actually crazy!
So,yeah-Universe,thanks a lot!Today was a blast!As peachy and fun as a broken nose...

My eyes,my heart,my soul

My eyes are hurting because these letters are so small and the workload is too much.I was born too late,I should have chosen "simpler" times...I wish I could escape myself for just one day,grab these shoulders,shake them and say:"You do not have to be perfect.You are allowed to fail.For once,just fail and smile".I'd listen to myself,I really would.Because it would be the act of kindness and love and revelation I've been craving for so long.

My heart is too big and too fast.I'm so stubborn that I insist on filling it with all the world,even if it only ends up hurting me.I don't know what chord snapped or when,but it's become like an addiction,an emotional OCD I can't heal.It's with no pride I admit that "I care too much".Ironically,my love has never brought me happiness.Why?Because people are flawed and things die and some days are never right.

My soul is weary.No,I have not experienced the world's most horrendous tragedies,but that doesn't mean I can't be sad.You can't measure pain and decide who's allowed to cry or not.No,fuck you.My suffering is mine and it's an ocean I'd drown myself in if given the possibility and I'll be bloody selfish about it if I please!Look,I'm an angry wreck now!Who knew exhaustion could hide such silent rage within its palms...

"We forgot..."

I understand,I really do.Actually,I envy you.I wish I could forget about myself too.
Want to know a little secret?It freaking stinks to realize you're living your life only to make the ones you love happy,even if it's wrong to do so (and you know it),even if they're as flawed as every human out there (and they sometimes hurt you deeply),even if they only want your happiness in the end- my God,what a vicious cycle!
In my mind,I'm almost always screaming-the sort that breaks your jaw and crushes your joints and practically leaves you tasting imaginary blood.See,I don't get to do that a lot in real life.Maybe that's why I keep having horrid nightmares and a general sensation that I'm more dead than alive- it's too much poison just standing around,going stale.
So,yeah,I understand,I do.It's fairly easy to forget about me,considering you're my family and all,no biggie.Jesus,I have so little energy and patience left,you can actually feel my pulse fading away and my temples going crimson!It's a bloody phone call,for fuck's sake,people!And I'm the one that's upset for no reason,wouldn't you believe it!
You know what?It's best you forgot about me.

Yellow and pink

mi-am impachetat grijile in bocancii inghetati
in prealabil si am pornit la drum,
un drum la fel de alb
ca un cearceaf fara margini,
ca burta unei balene,
ca un cer proiectat in oglinda.

am aruncat cu apa peste patrate pestrite
si au inflorit lotusi imaginari,
desi nasul din cap s-a incapatanat
sa nu le schiteze parfumul.

mi-am subordonat o zi din viata incerta
unei optiuni obligatorii,
unui amalgam facut numai din dungi de roz si galben
fosforescent,
ciuperci literare agatate de o piele
neumblata,neiubita,neiertata.

am cercetat trecutul ce nu-mi apartine
si l-am pus in acelasi pat cu
amintirile ba traite,ba fabricate,
doi amanti ce mai bine nu s-ar fi intalnit.

mi-am impaturit trupul peste paturi
si am oftat.

5.05%

My current level of energy,that is.I'm either ill or just systematically giving up on life because I feel,for lack of a better word,drained.Like a sink,like a dam,like whatever you want to imagine.
I've spent the day drinking (too much) coffee,running around the house after the cats,napping from time to time and listening alongside grandma to the news about this bloody snow that's practically invading us.Go home,winter,you are drunk!
Mom's freaking out about how I'm going to leave for Bucharest tomorrow,yet I am...chill: my Tuesday exam has been postponed,I'm planning a nice night with chamomile tea and TV shows and everything is pointless anyway,no?No?Yes.I don't know,man.
What's the point anyhow?I am deeply miserable and waiting for the next worst thing to happen,even if I'm in the only environment which makes me feel mildly safe and content.I get to forget here,you know?The outside world doesn't exist anymore,just my world and,let me tell you,it can be a lovely place from time to time.Is it socially healthy?No.Is it keeping me from going to a nuthouse in the foreseeable future?Probably yes.
Oh,oh,oh,why did I mold myself so?

Snowed in

Nu mi s-a mai intamplat de ceva vreme sa ascult atat de multe stiri cu mamaia.Dar care a fost cauza acestui eveniment,va intrebati?Raspunsul este "Iadul alb" *ominous music playing in the background*.
Mai pe romaneste,a venit zapada peste noi,noi nu am fost pregatiti pentru ea (are we ever?!),rezulta "mariaj nefericit",drumuri blocate si multa panica generala.
Desi exista posibilitatea sa ratez examenul de marti (deja m-am pus sa plang in palme din cauza asta,ma jur!),tot trebuie sa invat.Problema?N-am chef,nu vreau,nu pot sa mai invat.In casa e bine si cald,pisicile stau tolanite pe calorifere,totul trage la somn si moleseala,iar eu sunt o victima sigura a acestei chemari soporifice.
Am pierdut socoteala de cate ori am adormit cu fruntea pe birou,inhaland aburi de highlighter proaspat,visand ca sunt pe o insula tropicala/inconjurata de pisici pufoase/la un concert Arctic Monkeys.
Pana la urma,mancare avem,caldura avem,papoy avem-de ce sa vrei sa iesi afara?!Viata sociala si facultate si responsabilitati,zici?Nu,multumesc,I'll pass.Sa domine "Iadul alb" exteriorul,eu stau bine in "Paradisul bej"(culoarea paturii sub care m-am ascuns).
Pana la urma,cat sa ninga?Desigur,pana cand se vor goli cerurile...

Feelin' it

Sa simti cum iti invadeaza cana de cafea toate simturile.Cum parfumul exotic are tonuri ce amintesc de casa copilariei.Intreaga ta existenta sta sub un semn negru,dar nu malefic,ci captivant.De la ceasca in care bunica vedea viitorul,pana la doza de energie fierbinte pe care ti-o "injectai" in miezul noptii la nevoie,cafeaua a fost si va fi mereu cumva o parte din tine.E o fragila bucurie,dar face Raiul mai uman.

Sa simti cum se izbesc fulgii de zapada de geaca de fas in mijlocul zilei.Ai din nou 8 ani si lasi capul pe spate,deschizi gura,inchizi ochii,simti ca n-a trecut o clipa de cand te plimba tata cu sania pe strada.Fulgii sunt grasi,dar rapizi,iar momentul a inghetat odata cu aerul.Esti fericita si nici tie nu-ti vine sa crezi!Catelul ti se plimba pe la picioare,iar curtea e neschimbata.Doamne,am fost copil!

Sa simti cum curge noaptea in jurul tau.Mereu tanjesti dupa serile de vara cand ieseai pe o moleseala dulce sa vezi cerul din vata de zahar transformandu-se intr-o pelicula punctata de ochi seculari,poate morti de secole de ani lumina,poate abia ieri nascuti pe tivul galaxiei.Ai vrea sa zbori cumva ca un Icar nocturn si sa atingi luna unde crezi t ca ar putea-o face sa straluceasca mai tare.Esti o fiica a umbrei si ti-e dor sa te intorci la ea curand.

Sleepy head

As putea dormi 7 ani la rand si nu as regreta-o.Dupa cum spune o amica,noua varsta se manifesta prin "rablagire".Fuse o zi...cat 10.
In primul rand,m-am enervat-dar nu la modul "mi-ai luat guma,te spun lu' mama",nu,nu.M-am enervat intrinsec si deplin de nestatornicia oamenilor care "au putere" (pe planul meu) si de modul in care aleg sa abuzeze de ea.Nu am fost afectata direct prin acest act de "nebunie temporara",insa parca mai rau te inteapa nedreptatea facuta altuia.Ma rog.
Trenul a mers cu viteza melcului turbat si sedat,intr-un hal fara de hal care m-a facut sa ocup (ca o nesimtita ce sunt) 2 locuri si (sa incerc) sa dorm.Nu am observat,dar am simtit privirile putin compatimitoare,putin plictisite ale controlorului.Din nou,ma rog.
Ideea este ca am ajuns acasa (*choir of angels singing in the background*) si ma simt mai moale ca un ursulet de jeleu uitat pe calorifer.Se simte salteaua,se simt examenele,se simte sufletul chinuit de propria-i voce.Cand nu mai poti,nu mai poti,ce sa faci?Sa te bagi in priza?Macar de-ar fi asa de usor...
Atmosfera de cald si bine din casa nu invita deloc la actiune,iar eu imi resimt brusc anii indoiti.
Prietene,"e grele" rau...

First 21

I've spent my first day being 21 having a blast.
Though some "you're getting fucking old" creeps turned midnight into a bit of rough patch,a wonderful playlist created by a friend and a jolly phone call made the night bearable.
After breakfast and some studying,we tidied up the place for the "wild party" *ironic laughter bursting in the background*.I honestly don't know how we managed to fit all those people in our tiny room!Nevertheless,it was memorable:hugs,kisses,gifts(which I didn't deserve,cross my heart!),candy and sweets,songs,inappropriate jokes and lots of laughter.I felt special being surrounded by so many special girls and for that I am immensely grateful.We had our fun,we drank a bit (if there isn't any footage,I'll deny everything),I couldn't have imagined it better myself.
After my darlings departed,"round 2" came along,in the form of another couple of crazy-headed sweethearts,one of which made me cry and the other scared the life out of me.Explanations are required,so: 1.I MIGHT BE GOING TO THE 30 SECONDS TO MARS CONCERT IN JULY I MEAN?!?! and 2.never let people show you stuff on YouTube,you will never sleep again.
All in all,it was a marvelous day and I couldn't care any less about tomorrow's exam right now and I'm feeling rather old,but good old.
To many more 21s to come!

Last 20

I've spent my last day being 20 as I spend all my days,apparently:worrying,crafting scenarios in my head and making sure everyone else (but me) is fine .
I'm turning 21 tomorrow,when did that happen?!Like,I have to pause for a moment when people ask me my age because I've stopped counting at 17.I still get giddy when I realize I can buy booze all on my own,I'm that sad...
Anyway,I'm tired of studying.I just want to be in Las Vegas right now,doused in neon lights and cheap lap dances,but we don't always get what we want now,do we?Ugh...I predict a (mild) panic attack at midnight,mark my words!
I've never been one to crave attention (that bad),so tomorrow's "small gathering" might prove a bit of a challenge-as long as there's chocolate and liquor,I can manage.
I've had my cake back home,so my wish is sealed and ready to go.But what I openly want from this brand new and personal year is to feel alive in the right sense of the word.I want to go through "21" not as another number,but as an experience.
Wish me luck,guys!I'm entering the great age of "official adulthood"... *shudders and runs away into the night*

"Blue monday",indeed!

"Eu ce sa-ti fac daca esti proasta?"
Asa e.Multumesc,mama,ca ai prins intr-o singura fraza existenta mea patetica pe aceasta planeta.
Ce dracu' sa faci atunci cand iti pasa de un milion de cacaturi inutile si te dai de ceasul mortii pentru o prapadita de nota?Iti accepti soarta.Accepti faptul ca iti mananci in continuare tineretea pentru nimic si cu asta ramai: nimic.Niciodata nu esti suficient de bun,niciodata nu asimilezi bine informatia,iar baza ta intelectuala e putreda de mult.Caruta aia de efort pentru care sacrifici sanatate,somn si luciditate devine egala cu zero.
Mai vine cate un profesor care se destainuie ca un eseu poate sa il "enerveze"(?!?),altul schimba regulile jocului din mers,iar toti isi vor lua mana de pe tine in momentul in care se va spune "Stop!" sesiunii.
Si cica sa mai vorbesti si tu cu cineva,sa te mai plangi de viata,sa cauti o pomana de alinare de la cei ce inseamna cel mai mult pentru tine...Draci.Mai bine iti bagi un bat in fund,iesi mai castigat.
O sa se termine gluma asta de facultate si atunci sa vezi "veselie" pe capul meu!O sa plang de ea!
Decat semidoct,mai bine te apuci de o meserie si o faci bine.Macar asa esti indispensabil.

How much is "too much"?

am inceput dimineata plimbandu-ma
cu bicicleta printr-o catedrala
cu arcade de argint si aur-
apoi,m-am trezit.

ma mintea ceasul sau doar m-am obisnuit
eu sa-mi lafai trupul in ore
caldute?hmm...

nu stiu.stiu doar ca,daca as fi bateria unui laptop,
mi-ar striga ecranul dupa un incarcator.

mai stiu si ca mi-e sila uneori de mine,
ca nicio portocala nu poate remedia greata
din fata oglinzii,
ca rotile trenului vorbesc,la un nivel spiritual pervers,
franceza auzita de Anna Karenina.

oare cate mizerii poate sa indure
omul pana cand sa planga
prin fapte,mai ales atunci
cand si le aduna singur in poala?

caci eu imi simt oasele schimonosite sub piele
si genele putin rusinoase
si gura gata sa tipe putin prea tare
in catedrala din vis...

Current status:"meh"

Am ajuns intr-un stadiu intelectual catatonic si nu stiu in ce parte sa ma prabusesc.
Pe de o parte,avem valea cu "...meh",pe cealalta ma intampina groapa cu "O,Doamne!O,Doamne!O,Doamne!".La mijloc?Lene,somn,papoy,somn,mancare,net,somn,hibernare umana.
Nu mai pot,frate.N-am chef,n-am tragere de inima,n-am si pace!Ce demonstreaza nota asta,huh?Ca ma tine memoria pana dupa examen si apoi "refresh" pentru urmatorul?Ca ma simt muuult mai idioata ca acum doi ani.
"Da,Adriana,dar de unde camin si bursa si ce te faci cu viata ta apoi?!?".Un mare c...curcubeu ma fac,aia ma fac!Imi vine sa ma ghemuiesc in copilarie si sa nu mai ies de acolo vreodata.Macar de s-ar putea!
Pana la minunea asta,ma mai arunc in pat,mai citesc o pagina,mai pun de o cafea,ma mai cert cu Mișu si cu Șunculiță (da,ambele sunt pisicute,si da,ne-am intrecut cu imaginatia),nebunii de genul.
Ce examen luni?Ce sesiune de student nefericit la Litere?Ce existenta trista!Ma plang singura aici,altii nu ma cred-blestemul meu etern.
"Soarta si destinul",murmur eu,retragandu-ma sub paturi si perne...

Bless this bed!

I will never be as happy as when I get home on Friday,I swear to all the saints!And,after a morning like the one I had today,a familiar ground counts as more than a blessing.
Let's not recount how I continue to fuck up my academic future with every poor decision I make,it's too obvious.Fact of the matter is that I took that bloody seminar test,then ditched all responsibilities,hopped into a car and "Hello,freedom!".
Before you judge,know this:my back was basically begging for a mattress that doesn't hate its guts.And I didn't want to see a certain teacher's face.And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.And nobody takes care of me like grandma does.
I mean,would you trade a lovely afternoon spent in bed for books that leave you cringing intellectually and the constant sense (and "reassurance") that you're an idiot?I thought so.
It's good to be me right now:milky coffee,smart cats,temporary oblivion.Even my brother came to watch "Frozen" with me!
I made a moment count and I'm not sorry at all.Bless this bed!Bless this day!Bless!

A fool no more

You know what?Fuck them.Fuck all those people who only see me as a fucking library or Google or whatever.They're not worth the trouble.
I mean,I'm intrinsically allowed to be picky and bitchy and however I want to be.But no!How dare I?!How dare I have a say in which concerns where my work and courses and college materials go!?Isn't it my "fault" that I gathered them in the first place?And that I showed that awful sign of weakness called "kindness"?Serves me right,it does!
No more.No more putting me in the corner,forcing me to help you or guilt trips.Fuck you very much.You wicked,evil and despicable creatures! How dare you?!I can't even bring myself to ask for even the smallest of favors and you plunder my efforts with not a trace of regret!And it's not about the information-I couldn't fucking care less if you're "better" than me.No,it's about my time and my energy and my bloody stubborn mind set on finishing college mildly sane and honorable.
Why am I even upset?!They're not worth the trouble.I might as well go back to studying because Hell has begun in all its glory.
I am a fool no more.

I pity myself

I pity myself because I've forgotten
how to sleep
without burning my ribs with iron

I pity myself when I see
the clocks munching
on my life and youth so effortlessly

I pity myself through the eyes
of an impersonal ego
when the sun shines too bright

I pity myself because my mother
never weighs her words
before throwing them onto my shoulders

I pity myself when the conclusion
seals that I'm worth
as much as my kindness' lifespan

I pity myself through the wounds
that never healed
and the miracles that never were

I pity myself because I'd rather
pity myself
than turn this life around

A lot and a little

A lot of stupidity around here.It's awful ,but I can't help but laugh my ass off.Why?Because,if these people can succeed in life,then I'm going to be president for sure!Honestly...Of course,I won't be laughing when such people are the ones deciding my worth (and possibly fate?!),but they're hilarious nonetheless.Painfully dumb,but hilarious.Good God,is your garden wide and large!

A little satisfaction doesn't hurt now and again.It's no secret I like literature a lot,but there's a spark of joy in discussing it with others I just can't explain.And when this also brings you a bonus,well,that's plain lovely!Though I can't allow myself to be "happy",I feel content,like I somehow honored those letters and their masters.I hope I'll never lose the ability to find joy in words.

A lot of emotion spreading around me right now.Why do I torture myself like this?Why must I suffer so?Why did I watch the last episode of Sherlock,why?!Don't mock me,I'm an emotional wreck!I want to scream and laugh and sob and jump...but I can't because I'm not alone.Still,my insides are all soggy from weeping and my brain is currently dead weight.Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.This is an evil form of destruction of oneself...and I want more!

Where can I rewind?

Seriously,where can I go to get a clean start?Because,my God,is this one hellish!
People who have a very twisted idea of what "useful" actually means,exams that have almost nothing to do with what we've been taught so far and a system which might as well call us "animals"-it's what it makes us feel and behave like.
My bones hurt.My flesh seems icky.I want to undress my skin and dissipate into the Universe.No,I'm not facing a catastrophe(yet),just a constant and steady frustration brought about by the world around and spilled inside of me in all it's destructive glory.
I should be full of energy and focused on the following exams right now,but all I want is a better bed and a happier soul.I remember this time last year and,if anything,I wish I had that drive to accomplish something again,even a "dumb" goal like this one...
I'm angry and exhausted and these two don't make a pretty couple.And what a bitch of a day is tomorrow going to be!
Can I go back to the start now?Any start whatsoever?!Oh,cursed be the moment I decided I wanted answers...

Glowing questions

The worst time to have an existential crisis is "anytime",but especially on a Sunday night before an exam.One thing leads to another,your energy goes to Hell and,before you know it,questions like "Why am I even alive?" start popping into your brain.Well,fuck.
Fuck this,fuck that,fuck everything!It was the last thing I needed!After a weekend spent in "educational seclusion",I was hoping for a little more "peace of mind" and a little less "what now?".Silly me...
There is just so much insecurity building inside and outside that I'm starting to question even the little sanity I have left.Maybe it's the exams,but maybe it's not-you see,all they do is amplify and emphasize what is already there:a perpetual state of anxiety,which basically dooms everything in its path.Yeah,sarcasm covers it just about right and irony helps too,but I've stopped laughing a long time ago.
All in all,I'm screwed tomorrow.Now I care,now I don't-"bipolar" always did seem like such an attractive word...I'll probably go to bed because there's not much I can do anymore.
Why do I have to be so...me?

When I was a child...

Cand eram in generala,am descoperit ca-mi place sa scriu.Norocul meu a fost ca am avut o doamna profesoara geniala si ca,aparent,aveam o boaba de imaginatie (daca nu de talent).Si scriam-despre tot si despre toate,incepusem un jurnal,faceam toate temele suplimentare legate de literatura si simteam cum se contureaza un vis.Eram "buna",dar,cel mai important,eram fericita.

Cand am intrat la liceu,m-am lovit brusc de tipare,norme,cerinte si stereotipuri.Nu-i nimic,le-am invins- in doua limbi chiar!Am trecut peste inutilitatea unui examen pompos si mi-am strecurat cuvintele pe unde am putut.Au fost poezii,au fost premii,au fost felicitari primite cu eternul cap aplecat.Jurnalul s-a metamorfozat,dar am avut taria sa explorez interiorul.Totusi,am inceput sa fiu speriata.Brusc,aveam prea multe raspunsuri.

Sunt la facultate si ma simt mizerabil.Singurul loc unde mai pot sa fiu "eu" cu adevarat se afla in aceste pagini.Uneori,nu mai am timp nici pentru asta si plang mult pe dinauntru.Va suna cunoscuta fraza "nimic nou sub soare"?La noi se traduce prin "referinta bibliografica" si socantul "1" daca nu depui efortul sa vezi cine s-a gandit la asta inaintea ta."Toti sunt mai buni ca tine si n-ai sa reusesti in domeniul respectiv".Putina creativitate pe care o aveam a fost ucisa in fasa,alaturi de energia de a o apara.Sunt tare trista in seara asta.

Stranger's feeling

it's like being in one of those movies
set in New York,except that
you're not in New York and
there are no cameras to make pain into art
and your reflection in the subway
looks terribly alone

you look like you are,
even if it's only for a couple of days
and the ache is fading away
and safety is nothing but an illusion
anyway;
still,I'd rather be a numb fool
than and awake philosopher...

I'm stubborn-even when my
bones moan in pain,even if
I can't think straight,even though
I know my somewhat
sealed fate

it's like being that one song about
all the world's heartache,
except that you're not-
you're singing it

Whirlwind debut

If life's a test,then I'm failing it massively right now.It's just too much...
I'm out of sight,out of mind,out of line.It feels like being thrown into a tornado and told to "Smile!".Like,seriously?!The pain's still there (lurking,but still there) and (surprise!) the world hasn't stopped for me.As if this city wasn't tiresome enough already!
I dread thinking about the future because it's packed to the brim with unpleasant situations and self-esteem  issues and ugh.The past isn't a haven right now either,considering I can still "feel" the bone cracking inside my mouth from time to time.Still,the good thing about the present is that there are angel-friends who are wiling to go with you to find the dentist's office somewhere in the vicinity of Narnia.Hey,it counts as an adventure too!
And,better yet,I'm on the road to recovery-aside from the fact that I'm basically a walking and talking bag of blood at the moment .But that's no excuse not to write and study and write and study some more,right?Right.I'm already disgusted by it all,God help me...
So,yeah,here's to a whirlwind debut,everybody! *raises a morphine toast*

In my mind,I'm running backwards

in my mind,I'm running backwards
towards my bed,into chapped hands,
to a hole in the ground because
I'm tired and I'm lost and I'm overwhelmed
by a tide of numbing pain
that just won't shut up

the transition from idleness to bloom
is almost like tearing yourself off again
from the walls of an uncertain
womb-
the sound is too loud and the lights are too bright
and,for whatever reason,
it doesn't feel right
to call this chaos "home"

wherever I look,there's a hollowness
to the core of even
the most mundane of things,
which leads me to believe I'm among
a waltz of carcasses
that breathe and talk and walk,
but never do look kindly upon
running backwards

The lesser evil

What can I say?Well,I can't say a bloody thing now because I'm swollen like a watermelon and in so much pain,it's surreal.
Pro:I got rid of that stupid tooth that was plaguing my existence.Con:the right side of my skull is pretty much hollow and currently filling up with blood.The freaking thing was even more stubborn than I am when it comes to getting out!
And let me tell you,the signs start flashing when your "terrorist"/"whore"(actual quotes) of a tooth won't come out...The nice dude (aka the dentist) is like a mountain and even he was struggling to break the damn bone,I mean?!?!
But I'm OK now:the meds are kicking in,I'm drinking through a straw,God knows when I'll be able to eat properly,all is well in "Me-Town".Bitching and moaning aside,I know I did the right thing in handling the issue now because it would have gotten worse otherwise.
But it still sucks that my head looks like a basketball and I can't do anything productive at the moment.Oh,and fingers crossed my jaw doesn't clench because yes!,that is a possibility.
I'm not allowed to talk,so writing helps...We'll see.Meanwhile,I'll go stare at pictures of food and cuddle with the cats.

Silent heart,silent mouth

I have seen a glimpse of Hell and it looked exactly like today.I swear to God,you're probably better off dead than being ill!Less trouble,anyway...
After starting in the morning with the dentist's lovely conclusion that "There's nothing I can do for you,you'll have to go see a surgeon" (at which point my blood pressure practically ground to a halt),I enjoyed the most amazing "Wow!" uttered by the X-ray lady who had her hands shoved in my open mouth,only to continue this blessed day "bouncing" between the hospital and several other dentists,searching for someone to decently rid me of this bony plague (dude,it's an extraction,not an "extreme makeover",fucking lower your prices).
Anyway,at this point,you could have rather had a decent talk with a piece of play dough than myself-I had been reduced to a puppet and the strings were all over the damn place.
All in all,I (well,we,as in me and mom,who kept me from throwing myself in front of the first approaching bus),we managed to make an appointment for tomorrow morning and I am so scared,I'm this close to starting a will.
What is college?What is life?What is a mouth where your teeth don't start a colliding war and not actually grow into each other?We'll never know...

Ups and downs (though mostly downs)

It's not easy being nice when you feel like you are about to die because of a stupid tooth and a crippled heart.As if physical pain is ever "not enough"!No,no,my mind has to start playing "apocalypse scenarios" once again...

I don't know,I'm just freakishly irritated and I have a mighty need for the best painkillers on the market.But not even those could make this brain slow down and take a deep breath of sanity.

The uncertainty of everything is killing me!Will this be a solvable problem?Will I go to college this week?Will I live to tell this tale to my grandchildren?Will my grandchildren be real,not imaginary and not cats?Oh,the variables!I'm beginning to grow even more annoyed and angry and willing to yank this bloody menace out of my mouth myself!And they even call it "wise"...Fucking irony.

While the saying goes that "time heals all wounds",I think that,in this particular situation,I'm going from bad to worse.We'll see what tomorrow brings,hopefully good news.For now,I'll pop a few pills and get "comfy" and fangirl over the new Sherlock episode because,well,I can...

Temper,temper

I'm not sleepy,I just want to never wake up again.
I'm not hungry,I just want to rip half my face off and tell this pain to go fuck itself.
I'm not crying,it's just too much to handle right now.
I'm not upset,I just want to see a full set of china blown to smithereens.
I'm not lonely,I just like the number "one".
I'm not stressed out,I'm just questioning my entire life and choices.
I'm not pissed off,I just don't want to be touched for fear I might actually explode.
I'm not a "crazy cat person",I just want to retire to a very specific island in Japan.
I'm not depressed,I just like to think about the pointlessness of life at 2 a.m.
I'm not scared,I just feel like shutting down.
I'm not pathetic,I just haven't done anything with my life yet.
I'm not old,I just talk that way.
I'm not a girl,I'm just a dragon in disguise.
I'm not anxious,I just am.

I am not a star

I am not a star,nor will I ever be.
I am dust that doesn't glitter,dust that turns into mud when thrown into the rain,dust that disappears at the slightest sign of wind.
I am nothing.I will never amount to anything more than my limited mortality.I poisoned my own existence the moment I baptized it as "useless".The earth calls me back because it knows I never wanted to leave it in the first place.But I sometimes look up to the sky and I just want to breathe in the Universe,let it seep into my bones,blend that luminous nothingness into my own and create something.It's a wicked thing to be caught between perdition and salvation...
The world seems slightly smaller when your own condition screams into your soul.You will die.Everything you love will die.These hands that now write will rot away and you will be forgotten: your name,your essence,the way you took your coffee or you loved with crying eyes.
Fear,love,heartache,they don't mean anything because you don't mean anything...
I am tired of myself and I feel like resting for a while.For I am not a star and I do not shine.I only die while living...

"But I crumble completely..."

I may have irradiated happiness with my entire being last night,but today was not such a case.
It's tragically amazing how your body can render you useless when in pain.Even a bloody toothache has the ability to make you want to fall to your knees in surrender.How fragile are we,then?
Because,my God,if I could turn myself off as a human like you would do a flickering light,I would do it in a heartbeat.It's not worth the torment of stubborn flesh,it's not worth the restlessness of a confused soul,it's not worth it at all...
Love,you say?Merely constant worry and eternal loss.Self-success?Majestic nutrient for flowers.Creation that will stand the test of time?Yes,but what good will that do me when I'm gone?Oh,how I crumble completely when I crave oblivion and yearn for darkness once more...
Maybe I'm growing mad.Or sane.Or both.Maybe this is some sort of twisted epiphany I never asked for.And there's also the uncertain future,always colliding with my own resigned self...
What a world I have created in my mind for myself!Disturbingly different from the truth.I might as well close my eyes and keep them shut.

21 till 21

La multi ani! Si nu,nu este o gluma nereusita,desi titlul cam bate in directia aia.

Am inceput anul cum l-am terminat,adica m-am "luptat" cu maseaua de minte si ea cu mine,am sarbatorit cu ai mei si apoi m-am bagat la somn.Dar (dar!) am zis sa-i rad propriului ghinion in fata si sa-mi propun 21 de lucruri pentru 2014,avand in vedere ca oficial mai sunt 21 de zile pana cand voi implini 21 de ani (...si asa transform un subiect "tristut" intr-unul vesel!).

Prin urmare,rezolutii:

• sa fiu mai fericita (cu adevarat!)
• sa calatoresc mai mult la vara
• sa invat sa fac ceva util
• sa citesc mai mult in engleza
• sa-mi mai fac un tatuaj (cel putin...)
• sa cunosc mai multi oameni
• sa-mi pretuiesc prietenii mai bine
• sa iau carnetul de conducere
• sa am mai multa grija de mine,trup si suflet
• sa desenez mai mult
• sa invat sa spun "nu!" cand trebuie
• sa petrec mai mult timp in natura
• sa scriu,sa scriu,sa scriu
• sa cos mai multe haine/lucruri/etc.
• sa ma decid ce vreau sa fac eu cu viata mea
• sa dedic fotografiilor mai mult timp
• sa nu-mi fie frica sa ies (mai mult) in lume
• sa nu uit sa iubesc sincer
• sa-mi gasesc o slujba
• sa-i spun cuiva "te iubesc!" din toata inima
• sa exist in deplinatatea fiintei mele

Sa fie intr-un ceas bun!