joi, 6 septembrie 2012

Lucid hypnosis

I need a friend-but not just any friend...One that doesn't know my name,my past,my fears,my body or my soul.I need...I just need someone to talk to,ok?Could you be that someone for me,if only for a couple of minutes,please?

So,I'm a mess.I'd say "Well,that's obvious!",but I tend to forget that my problems dwell inside my skull,not outside of it.Silly,isn't it?I wish I could sincerely laugh right now...

I've had the most peculiar and amazing dream last night,filled with somewhat familiar faces and a bathtub full of cold water.They say that dreaming about water means that you've felt a little chilly during the night,which is perfectly plausible if you take into consideration the fact that I can never get used to seasons changing.I'm already dreading the thought of October and November,those useless jumpers and ineffective cups of tea.It's like shutting down alongside nature,that's exactly how it feels:freezing,damaging,barren.Anyhow,back to that dream I mentioned earlier:is it weird that I enjoyed it?Strangeness and all?If anything,it had the most exciting shades of sea foam in the shape of clothes and shoes and...Never mind.Just childish desires I sometimes find myself clutching to.

I'm thinking about death more and more nowadays and it's really starting to upset me.And no,it's not like that 8th grade phase when I used to glorify anything and everything about funerals,cemeteries&co.No,just the crippling feeling that all that I love is one step away from a not so free trip six feet under.Proof?Sleepless nights,frightening nightmares,panic attacks and the rooted belief that not a single moment of serenity remains unpaid.It may not seem much from a detached perspective,but the biased one sure isn't having any fun right now.I find myself growing fond of the word "oblivion" for some reason...

I can't imagine having to bury one of your parents at the age of 17.My mom did that.She had to bury her father when she was only 17.I just can't fathom that horrid picture,nor do I wish to.Not now,not ever...And I miss him.I never met him,but I miss him nonetheless.He was a doctor (and a brilliant one too-from what I was told),that type of person everybody loves and respects at the same time.How he adored my mother!Those countless stories of their joyous adventures and how they fill my heart with both gratitude and sorrow...I wish I knew him.I wish they had more time together.I wish he could have taken me by the hand and showed me the world as a child.I wish he could be a real person in my memories,not just a projection in yet another alternative universe.I wish I could rewrite time and make it all better.I wish nobody should have to bury their parents.

This is so stupid...There's this one song called "Sarah Smiles" by Panic! at the Disco,right?Basically,it's about a girl (Sarah,d'oh!) and how she's not perfect,but the perfect one.At least that's what I took from it all.Anyway,I find myself grinning like a madman each time I listen to it and this weird,fuzzy sensation takes over me.Now,I know you're going to laugh,so I'm just saying this one time and one time only:occasionally,I replace her name with mine...It's dumb and awkward and ugh,I know!Still,I want that,I want a song with my name in it,written by someone who actually cares and played with such passion that it makes me cry.Is it too much to ask for?Probably...I don't think I'm special whatsoever,so this "dream come true" would cater to my need of immortality,let's say.Which brings us back to the oh-so-familiar talk about death...Why do I do this to myself,why?!

I want to let go.I need to let go.But to what?Myself?The world?That tireless voice which oscillates between a friend and an enemy?"Confusing"-that pretty much sums it up.I'm confusing myself and the rest of the Universe isn't helping either.How self-centered,yet how...ambiguous!It appears martyrdom isn't just for the saints...

If only these words were a medicine I could swallow.If only they could fix me,both in the mind and in the flesh."If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy,I could have won...".I don't know anymore-what's right,what's wrong,what simply is.

I think I understand vices better than virtues tonight.

Un comentariu:

Iulian Florea spunea...

Nu pot aprecia acest post prin nici un buton din cele trei (neah,fain,genial).
Nu-mi plac cosmarurile, nici macar cele din clipele de trezire. Dar viata ne e plina de ele.
Nu am nici reteta medicamentului magic ce le poate anihila total. Doar puterea de a ma lasa facut fericit in orisice clipa, de catre orisice nimicuri frumoase. Cum este si acesta, de exemplu:
Numai bine,
Iulian Florea