Bastard land

Imi cer scuze (din nou) celor care mai citesc duminica aberatiile mele.Se pare ca aceasta zi este intr-adevar speciala- invoca toate progeniturile Satanei si le pune sa danseze in curtea mea de speciala ce este...Literalmente.Ca de obicei,sa curga tampeniile vietii mele "palpitante".Dupa caz si preferinte,va urez "Bine ati venit!"/"La revedere!".

Stiti ce e cu adevarat de cacat pe lumea asta?Pamantul.Nu,nu planeta in sine (desi,prin extensie,s-ar aplica problema).Nici locul de veci al majoritatii.Pamantul ca mostenire imi sta mie ca un nod in gat acuma.Inteleg,vorbim de sentimentul posesiunii,de nostalgia trecutului,de legatura cu parintii si stramosii,de n  miliarde de chestii perfect rezonabile.Dar lua-l-ar naiba sa-l ia!N-as fi crezut vreodata ca un lucru atat de frumos si de spiritual poate produce atata rautate.Fara gluma si misto,ma rog sa mor saraca/fericita/impacata,apoi sa fiu postata gratios intr-o vaza spatioasa.Macar sa nu fiu motiv de cearta nici deasupra celor 2 m (metaforici) de tarana,nici sub ei.Desigur,cum soarta (vad) ca imi aloca numai artificii si surprize,nu ma astept decat la scenariul temut de deasupra.Daca am dreptul sa ma tin cu dintii de un singur lucru,sper ca acela sa fie ratiunea...

Alta chestie absolut geniala (*cough,cough* sarcasm) pe ziua de azi este amestecul fascinant dintre ploaie,munca,frig si descompunerea fizica (cea emotionala se subintelege).Pe scurt,m-am trezit cu un nucleu de nervi inveninati in stomac,m-am luptat cu eterna durere de spate,am stat sub o cortina sacadata de apa (daca circumstantele o cer,ne sacrificam) si m-am confruntat cu un apetit fluctuant,toate pe fundalul unei minunate altercatii familiale (as putea adauga chiar "geriatrice").Nu-i asa ca deja ma invidiati?Cred si eu!Imi vine sa-mi brevetez existenta,nu alta!Cel putin acum nu mai am scuze sa nu scriu un roman-Dumnezeu mi-e martor,"resurse" am din belsug!Of,sfinte...

In cele din urma,trebuie neaparat mentionat faptul ca am pierdut ceremonia de inchidere a Jocurilor Olimpice.Si ce m-am mai distrat la deschidere!Bine,daca se poate numi "distractie" statul de una singura in fata computerului,mancand,razand si plangand,uneori activitatile acestea combinandu-se intr-o imagine,sa zicem,deloc "estetica".Totusi,este un eveniment ce se traieste mai fain "pe viu" (aka live),asa ca imi pare rau pentru victoria detasata a epuizarii in fata vointei de a impartasi,macar din fata ecranului,un mic segment al istoriei.

Per total,n-a fost o zi chiar atat de naspa (asta daca dam la o parte lucrurile nasoale si ne concentram exclusiv pe cele simpatice).Eh,se putea si mai rau,asa ca nu ma plang (hahahaha NO.).Oricum,vreau sa cred ca Universul le echilibreaza pe toate,asa ca nu-mi ramane decat sa astept.

Tomorrow is another day.

Observing nothingness

my bed is a place of wonders and sleepy ghouls
this morning is like a framed memory:just a cup of coffee,a bunch of cats,my father looking like the man who saved the world
the rain is tender and fresh,a bouquet of water drops and icy air
this cold wind bounces with electricity against my body and transforms the autumn clothes into a cozy retreat
my thoughts wonder like aimless leaves,blurring reality and soothing this threatening feeling that's taking over me
the steaming plate in front of me paints a picture of forgotten childhood and gratitude
these words that hold together the strings of sound make my heart blush and lust and beat like a thousand drums
my written emotions are a treasure of feeble,yet unmeasurable worth
the amount of hot cocoa that I drink is slowly becoming an issue for my summer nights
these green apples remind me of fairy tales
my merciless back is a conscious creature and a familiar enemy
this life is sometimes OK

Cozy storm

...si de ce imi decide umbra somnului lumina zilei?Poate ca intunericul constiintei latente reprezinta in sine o alta viata,un Univers cu drepturi depline.Mi-am gasit geamanul dizolvat in neant!Traieste langa mine,in coltul luminat de Luna pe pat...

...si de ce ma linisteste rutina atat de mult?Cred ca tanjesc dupa starea de dinaintea vietii -asa am citit undeva- d-aia imi urmez cu sfintenie actul demn de circ.Cani,castroane,usi,paturi,coate,genunchi,voci,ochi,buze,iar,iar,iar si iar.

...si de ce ma pierd in iluzia fericirii temporare?Ma incred in straini,venerez chipuri distante,ma mulez emotiilor unui spatiu creat din nimic.Magie sau blestem,inima mea este acum o bomba cu ceas...

...si de ce imi aduce totul aminte de copilarie in ultimul timp?Seri lenese,desene vechi,chicoteli tinere si sentimentul dulce al vacantei cu spatii goale in calendar- de-ar fi toate furtunile atat de primitoare si calde!

...si de ce imi pun eu atatea intrebari fara ecou?

Rainy train station

"Se doarme mai bine cu sufletul impacat,perna mototolita si stomacul gol.Astfel,te trezesti amintindu-ti cu drag de ziua magica a trecutului si pregatesti cele necesare vrajilor urmatoare cu fluturasi prin vene.

Of,cat de greu se naste o scrisoare cu adevarat sincera!Cat de dificil se materializeaza sufletul in cerneala bleumarin!Dar rezultatul...Sublim!Marin!Submarin!Aproape carmin...

Sunt utile si sentimentele imprumutate,nu-i asa?Da,da.Mai are inima multe de invatat si de pompat,asa ca orice ajutor este mai mult decat binevenit!Chiar daca,uneori,palma de pe obraz se transforma in pumn...

Mi mic,m-ai lasat intr-o gara de joi,cu ploaia pe umeri si cu zambetul legat in colturi de urechi!Iti multumesc-pentru ce,ti-am explicat.Desi cuvintele au devenit de prisos...Sincer,nu-mi imaginam un "final" mai reusit:dramatic,totusi linistit.

Ma simt ca personajul secundar dintr-un film frumos despre viata si nu regret nimic.

Sper sa ajungi cu bine acasa si oriunde altundeva iti propui.Cu sunet de tren in urechi si amintiri proaspete pe buze,te sarut!"

Infinity tower

As vrea sa-mi pot scutura capul la sfarsitul noptii intr-o galeata,sa iasa toate cosmarurile si toata moartea cu gust real din el.
As vrea sa pot crea toata viata din nimic si sa fac ceva memorabil.
As vrea sa am o rezerva inepuizabila de cafea,pisici,mere verzi si zile insorite la indemana.
As vrea sa pot indura micile si marile dureri ale vietii cu mai multa mandrie.
As vrea sa ne ramana mereu in suflet aceasta zi plina,cu turnul,cu infinitul,cu zambetul si cu gandul soptit,cu inghetata verde si cartile citite ca prin vis la "masa sunetului" intiparite in amintire.
As vrea ca totul sa fie mereu bine si bun.
As vrea  ca istoria noastra sa se impleteasca intr-un model senin cu istoria colectiva.
As vrea ca toate verile sa fie la fel de spirituale si aromate ca aceasta.
As vrea sa pot iubi mai mult.
As vrea ca epuizarea fizica sa fie intotdeauna atat de dulce.
As vrea sa nu regret cafeaua asta.
As vrea sa zambesc fara motiv.
As vrea sa fie fericirea la fel de simpla ca acum.

M.I.

"Unele momente vin prea tarziu,iar altele nu vin niciodata.Insa momentul acesta a poposit in viata noastra la apusul hotarat de Univers,pe marginea unui lac vorbitor si in sanul unui 3 feminin.N-au mai contat oasele sacaitoare,nici gandurile imbacsite de cosmarurile noptii abia aruncate in bratele trecutului-magia a stat in buze,in priviri,in prezent.Toate ceasurile petrecute sub copertina cuvintelor blajine (dar scrise pe coli ori batute in neant) s-au metamorfozat in realitatea parului blond,a penelor zburatoare,a ruinelor intunecate.

Poate ca te-am speriat putin,Mi mic,insa aveam atat de multe sa-ti spun,sa-ti arat,sa-ti transmit,incat mi-am lasat vocea sa navaleasca in aer si mintea sa absoarba adevarul tangibil al clipei.Iar acum avem o banca,nu-i asa?Una cu fum,umbre,Batman si amintiri...

As vrea sa am suficiente cuvinte sa pot broda imaginea luminoasa a acestei intalniri,insa nu ma lasa inima s-o dezvalui lumii.Este si va ramane in sanul unui 3 feminin,cu Lana del Rey pe un fundal imaginar si infinitul ca omniprezent complice..."

Melting skin

celula cu celula,ne topim
intr-un amalgam de asternuturi ude,
blestemand cerul si urandu-ne trupurile.
ranjetul incandescent se inalta
sus,
mai sus,
cel mai sus,
iar pielea ni se scurge printre degete,
printre genunchi,peste pometi si prin buze,
ca un rau piersiciu iesit din matca.
apa,apa,apa!
foc,foc,foc!
ne sprijinim in oasele albe ca sa alungam
vartejul cel negru din tample si ochi,
insa lumina inunda
tot,
tot,
tot orizontul.
o furie oranj se inalta in mine
precum o faclie din nervi innodati-
nu ma poate salva nici noaptea,
nici promisiunea unui inceput inghetat...
celula dupa celula,ne reconstruim
in arhitectura asternuturilor aride,
rugandu-ne Lunii si pansandu-ne trupurile.

For crying out loud!

This is really stupid.Like,really,really,really stupid.Bear with me.Or not...

Son of a bitch!Why me?Why can't I get a good night's sleep?I don't deserve it or what!?Frankly,I'm past the point where waking up with a tormenting back and my ribs digging into my lungs can be considered "acceptable".

...and where the fuck did these feelings of anger,desperation,cruelty and fear come from?I mean,whoa!Whoa!WHOA!I don't need to be the "big bad bitch" right now,seriously!And you know what's truly damn wrong with this whole picture?I can't help it.I can't help wanting to split open somebody's skull just to release part of the tension.

The Devil must have decided to make me his own "special project"-this is the best explanation I can come up with right now.And it fucking sucks!I hate it!I hate myself for being like this.And I particularly loathe the fact that I've basically ruined an entire day for my whole family.Because I'm that type of fucking person who can't hold in all the misery and just "decides" to share it with most innocent bystanders.Freaking awesome,right?

...except it's not.It's not alright to be fine one minute and the next to behave like a complete lunatic.It's just not right...

The little things get to me and turn a simple issue into a problem of gigantic proportions.Man,it's ludicrous!Why am I being bothered by the way in which someone eats or walks or thinks?Why can't I stand it when things don't go exactly as planned?Why,in the name of all that's holy,do these situations always make everything worse?Son of a...
We're not the perfect family.I'm not as good as I could be (from every angle you could imagine).This is not the best city.Or the best country.Or the best Universe,for that matter.But...We try,you know?We struggle and fight and endure a lot of shit to get where we want to-yet it never seems to be enough.And that fucking sucks:for me,for you,for the entire freaking world!
Wouldn't you know it:another Sunday gone down the drain!I've got to hand it to my mood swings,they always seem to find the optimal time for a good kick in the guts!Oh,come on,just shoot me and be done with it!I'm sick of regret and pain and anxiety and the crippling feeling that something bad is about to happen...
Screw coffee!Screw mindless distractions!Screw this superficial bonding of ours!Screw IT ALL!I officially give up.I surrender to a burning desire that breeds only fury and disgust.
I'm sorry for this pointless piece of writing,but I really needed to get it out of my system.Even though complaining is all I ever do nowadays...
Fuck.

Streets and feet

as merge pana pe Marte
cu huma pe talpi
si cu aripi de randunica pe spate.
as merge prin ploaie
cu tine de mana
si cu timpul mototolit in buzunare.
as merge pe Soare
cu buzele impletite
si cu mintea golita de orice intrebare.
as merge pe toate strazile vietii
cu ochii larg deschisi
si cu ghirlande agatate de plamani.
as merge prin paduri
cu pulpele goale
si cu amintirea fericirii prin ganduri.
as merge peste cer
cu umerii poleiti
si cu incheieturile legate de un curcubeu sincer.
as merge pe sub ocean
cu respiratia ferecata
si cu incantatiile parfumate ale unui indian.
as merge,as alerga,
as zbura...
as merge cu voi pana la capatul lumii
si inapoi.

Ghostly sheets

giulgiul in care dorm nu ma paraseste
nici cand lepad spuma noptii,
nici cand colind strazile,
nici cand incerc sa sterg ceata
cu mana cufundata in albastru...
fibra maculata
de emotii indescifrabile
imi inunda gura,plamanii,carnea si gandurile;
fibra naturala
aduce la suprafata
toate cosmarurile pe care le vreau
departe de mine,sugrumate in valuri;
fibra posedata
ma imbraca
in fantome,varcolaci,incertitudine si teama;
...si simt cum colcaie ceva prin intuneric,
tarandu-se,
pregatindu-se,
incarcandu-se cu zdrentele innegrite pe care n-am putut
sa le arunc din mine la timpul potrivit...
impaturesc asternuturile.
alung norii somnului tumultos.
imi urmez pasii pe cararea zilei.
totusi...
giulgiul in care traiesc ma ingradeste.

Summer changes

I release myself from the bounds
of pain,of sorrow,of meaningless regret.
the darkness can no longer
surround me
because I am light and sound and laughter.
I send my worries into the summer sun
and purify my body
in the sacred water
that springs from nature's womb.
sweetness engulfs unborn tears
in a swirl of leaves and fruits and kisses:
if only I could cradle my soul
beyond Heaven's gates...
I close my eyes and I close my mind
when floods of blackened thoughts
threaten to strike down
the golden ivy fence
which embraces this fall
into serenity:
it is not disappointment I fear,but wrath...
fire can no longer
burn my skin
because this is a hurricane and a prayer:
I sacrifice myself on the altar
of divine surrender.

August rest

Sleeping is much better when you actually wake up not wanting to tear out your spine.Even so,I think I need a new bed.Or a new body.Or both.

Is it a good or a bad thing that I've become the type of person for which happiness represents a cup of steaming coffee,some playful cats and good music?

All my social interaction skills come from movies/TV shows.I think that says a lot about me.

It's nice to have a friend who truly understands and shares your dark,twisted and sick mind.At least I know I'll have someone to share my room with at the nuthouse I foresee in the near future.

We're all going to die,mark my words!If this heat keeps up,I swear,we're gonna wake up one day with the Sun in our backyards and then what?!This current meteorological situation gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "all Hell broke loose"...

If everything else fails,I know I'll always have my family,green apples and cocoa.

Things become infinitely more entertaining after midnight,trust me!

It appears that August will continue my summer tradition of pure laziness and regret.