Changing girls

Drowsy sheets.Crackling bones.Hot plate.Dirty coffee cup.Silly laughs.Cats with wet paws and sparkling eyes.Bad decisions,good decisions.Lavender clothes.Room gliding and heart beating.Dumb fears.Sweet perfume.Gray waist.Cold hands.Familiar streets.Perfect friends.Unexpected reactions and radiant smiles.Old habits that (thank God!) die hard.White and fluffy coat.Stories about the past,stories in the making.Smoky wood and uncomfortable guests.Colorful coffee and plaid shirts.Strangers passing among sunny and falling snow.Darling auburn hair.Childish laughs.Moving mouths and catching up with each other's lives.Unexpected acquaintances and purple revelations.Frozen hands and worn out paths.Saying "goodbye!",saying it for just a while.Gifts that shine and roads that glisten.A green fence and five furry angels.Fine food and a yellow mug of black poison.People I'll never meet,people that make me wonder about the world.Lion blanket and background stories.All the souls I love under one roof and the feeling of absolution within grasp.Blue night,golden music.Sleepy sheets.Sweet dreams!

Purple pixie

It's a peculiar feeling,to be perfectly honest.A concoction of freedom and relief,with a tinge of uncertainty.I've been wanting to have my hair short for quite a while now and I'm not the type to weep over silly things,that's for sure!So,naturally,I don't understand why people keep expecting me to regret my decision or something of such sorts.Dudes,I now look like a purple pixie and I love it!For once in my life,I can feel the wind blowing at the back of my neck and it's thrilling!I can't wait to surprise some friends,man!Can't wait...

I'm grateful for days like this,when I can go shopping alongside mom without us wanting to kill each other.I've always been a "daddy's girl",so you can understand why I find this mother-daughter relationship a tad hard to balance.But the last few months have taught us both a lesson in tolerance,distance and time.As a result,we're trying harder and,sometimes,we end up succeeding.

The more movies I see,the more I fall in love with the mechanisms behind them.The more music I listen to,the more I believe it to be some sort of divine,extraterrestrial form of communication.The more books I read,the more I become at peace with my decisions and destiny.The more I give in to art,the more it feels just right.

Liberation at its finest

no gloomy walls,
no chocking air,
no spider web ropes to bind
my hands to my legs-
I'm free and freedom
has no name...
we're all so buried in our own
misguided thoughts
about light and darkness,
scared to let the world go
and find
liberation at its finest...
I'll rip my dress!
I'll cut my hair!
I'll scream and shout and yell!
I'll be the negative
photograph of your prefabricated shell-
know why?
because I'm unwilling to let you shape me
without my consent.
no dark clouds,
no damp eyes,
no misty sounds-
it's a beacon of spring
before winter's dawn...

The perks of doing nothing all day

• you get to sleep until somebody has to physically drag you out of bed
• breakfast is homemade,delicious and prepared by somebody else (love you,mom!)
• coffee becomes something delightful once again and cats reclaim their "best friend" status
• catching up on TV shows and watching a myriad of movies doesn't make you feel guilty,but relieved and happy
• nobody questions why you're walking around the house all day long,enjoying the space you've got at your disposal and thriving on small things
• when you discover amazing music,you can fangirl without people questioning your mental sanity (because you're in the comfort of your own home and your family already knows you're "cray-cray")
• your heart is untroubled,your feet are up high on a pillow and your mind is in a fantasy world of its own
• you can effortlessly do whatever you want because you deserve it
• counting blessings and living in the moment-certainty,not fantasy 

It is done!

Stiti cum arata inteligenta intruchipata?Like this bad baby right here!Altfel nu pot sa-mi explic brilianta idee de a face o cafea la 12 dimineata/noaptea (tricky hour,man) cu 3 lingurite PLINE de ness intr-o cana mare de Milka.Ce mi-am zis atunci in sinea mea-"Frate,e ultimul examen,e relativ usor,merita efortul!".Mda...MNU.Cred ca am facut de atunci un mini atac de cord- serios,stateam pe pat si-mi auzeam ecoul inimii in ARCURI!Inca imi tremura mainile si de stomac nici nu mai pomenesc!Sunt o idioata,stiu,stiu.Dar nu pot sa inteleg asta pe deplin pentru ca sunt inca hiperactiva.Daca nu ma credeti ca a fost o miscare tembela,here's a fun fact: cafeaua aia MI-A PATAT CANA! I rest my case.And my sanity.Nu ma inteleg uneori,ma jur...

In alta ordine de idei,am terminat cu sesiunea!Sunt acasa,hranita bine,inconjurata de pisici,afectiune si imagini familiare,lucrurile si momentele pentru care am "luptat" vajnic.Nu-mi doresc decat sa dorm bine in patul meu,sa-mi iasa odata cafeaua aia draceasca din sistem si sa lenevesc divin toata vacanta!Merit,nu-i asa?Fara falsa modestie,eu cred ca da.Merit deoarece am tras de mine toate saptamanile astea (sa fac o figura "frumoasa") pana mi-a dat (literalmente) sangele pe nas.Acum ca v-am facut pofta de mancare,e momentul sa ma retrag in paradisul meu domestic.It is done!

Something old,something new

I've been here before,dressed
in these clothes,clutching to these feelings,
looking merely like a fleshy shadow...
it's funny how knowledge
makes you frail and less worthy
of those golden coated letters-
I fail to see power where perdition
is present...
my back is damp from running
and my lips are chapped
beyond repair-
there's a warehouse outside this window,
all empty and invisibly ablaze,
almost like a mirror of
my own gaze...
I seem to be caught in between
a sheltered mind
and a crackling hand,
damned and cursed and happy and free-
weary soul!
weary feet...
there's a thief around the corner
of my being
and it bears a familiar name-
something old,
something new,
will this game ever
not be in vain?

"Fear and loathing"

...and I'd let my soles sweep the floor
a thousand times before embracing
the pen,
the paper,
my insufficient soul.
...and I'd crawl inside myself
between drowsy sunrises and dirty
coffee mugs,
among deserted tears,
hallow feelings,
blurry memories.
...and I'd tease my skin
for being so thin
and bruise-worthy,
folding pages,
cracking noses,
collecting blood drops off the floor.
...and I'd let my demons
get the best of me,
my sanity,
my toes,
my featherless wings.
...and I'd curse the future
a thousand times more,
praying,
wishing,
wanting
for more...

Long walks and sleepy papers

I've forgotten how good it feels to sleep until your bones ache and your pillow looks as if it had been in a dragon's layer (pun intended).Seriously thinking about adopting this lifestyle over the break.Seriously...

I should really start studying again,but...no.Because I'm all out of willpower and determination and motivation.Son of a...

Supermarkets must be really fun when you're not  a wobbling elephant in which concerns coordination and attention span.I usually go there for the food and end up staying a while longer for the people and the music.Mostly the people,though-seeing,deducing,undressing mental patterns,buried issues,little bits and pieces that tend to a bigger puzzle.Obviously,I watch way too much TV.Obviously...

I don't like him,though.He's sweet and cute,but no.My mind's not there-well,my mind is not anywhere right now,but that's not the point.You know what is the most exhilarating and the saddest thing about my heart right now?It doesn't have a crush on anybody.Blessing or disguised burden?Can't tell,man,can't tell.

So,I've fallen asleep with books on my face a few times,almost wept when I bought fresh bread (damn you,"Les Mis"!) and wallowed in my pathetic love life- productive day,I reckon.Productive day.

Pinch me!

HOLY BATMAN ON A STICK! I am so damn happy that I just might puke!After an almost sleepless night,hellish hours of studying and an apparently "out-of-body" experience,I can only say I've passed one of my hardest exams with freaking flying colors!Man,it was worth it!All the insecurities and doubts and crimson tissues!Know why?Because I can now look back,point and proudly say "I did that,even though I thought I could never do it in a million years!".As small of a feat as it is,I'm very proud of myself.And I'm going to treat this self to an entire afternoon of doing absolutely NOTHING.Once in a while,happiness can be found even in the cruelest of trials.

HOLY MUSICAL BATMAN! (reference intended)-Fall Out Boy is back!OK,they were technically only on hiatus,but who cares about that anymore?The new tune is sick and I can't wait to hear their new album and asdfghjkl!Before you go around all disgusted and "emo" labeling,just know this-the band is wicked and nothing can change my mind about it.So suck a lollipop and be happy for them like the rest of the world!"Light 'em up,up,up"!

HOLY BATMAN ON AN ADVENTURE! I've just seen "The Hobbit" and all I can say is that I'm hooked!Maybe it's the candy talking for me,but I got all excited and emotional and attached to those crazy dwarves!And hobbit,naturally!And wizard.The orcs weren't bad either...Anyhow,the perfect ending for a perfectly weird perfect day!

Road to Hell

I don't ever want to feel like this...Broken.Sad.Irretrievably hallow.I fear my own incompetency as much as I do success.It feels as if my brain is being pumped with bad adrenaline and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm surrounded by bloody tissues,crumpled paper and weary silence-when did I sign up for this?To whom did I wrongfully sell my soul?

"It's a stupid exam,get over yourself!"-I know,I know.You're absolutely right and I wish I knew how to listen.But...I'm crappy when it comes to speaking and charming,as I am with most human interaction.Do you see the issue now?

I never fully understood my anxiety up until today-because,as silly as it may seem,my fear is real and here and overpowering.

Jesus,this is so stupid!How am I ever going to deal with my life?Every challenge of such sorts appears to be a very unique road to Hell,one which I pave for myself each time.

I'm trying,I really am.But,you see,this is why I write-because I'd rather have my hands covered in ink than my mouth with sounds.Because people sometimes scare me and I usually tend to scare them away.Because I'm afraid of not being good enough,"perfect" enough.

I hope a little bit of self-inflicted courage,alongside a little bit of sleep,will help.Otherwise...

I'm good.I'm grand.See you on the other side!

Talking to the ceiling

I have these moments when I need motivation more than air itself.Something to keep me focused,something to keep me from sticking my mental hands into every possible problem.So I call home and talk till my battery is almost dead,I drink insane amounts of coffee,I pace back and forth in an attempt to make this wicked room look bigger (which,naturally,doesn't work).I rarely forget my state of being,only to rapidly (and painfully) remember it all.Sleep,don't tempt me!You could become my downfall...

On the one hand,I love studying.On the other hand,I loathe studying.This paradox is less "Doctor Who" and more "kill me now" worthy than it should be.If I could,I'd cry for myself.

Do you ever get these pangs in your chest when you have the blackest of revelations?When you suddenly realize you'll probably have to bury your mother,your father,your grandparents and probably some friends?When you understand that the sole purpose of life is death?When you're covered in tears at the thought of the absurdity of it all?I hate myself for having moments like this.For hitting my temples to stop them from imagining those things.For feeling so damn alone and broken.I don't understand anything anymore...

I can't find comfort,not even when talking to the ceiling.A bed,a prayer,a way to forget and not feel...

Nosebleeds

there's a flood that can't be tamed when
scarlet velvet gushes from your core
like a liquid bouquet of despair.
the day is different,but the feeling remains the same:
rust and crimson,crimson and rust,
dripping and pushing and staining
every last inch of your soul.
if anything,one could contemplate the irony
of so many revived white sheets-
but it's rather improbable to seek philosophy
where something more flesh-bound
is damaging and real...
my fingers never looked so honest!
my lips-never so pure!
underneath this burning canvas,I am cleansed
and serene and ready to fall wherever
the road shall pin me!
at the back of my throat,there lies a memory
of damp handkerchiefs,familiar beds
and the image of a carnal dam being released:
if only I could trade my
celluloid Hell and verging disbelief
for this!
who knew I could cause so much damage to
my own forgotten mechanism?
to love,to laugh,to not care-
that's the crib of
freedom!
my palms are red,
my arch is an enemy,
my everything is weakened...