Drenched shoes

Startling song.Vibrant coffee.Last minute studying.Dreaming about distant blue eyes.Deja-vu rain.Gray picture.Crowded room.Short exam.A marble hallway full of love and hugs.Drenched shoes.Crimson tea and much needed good news.Heavy luggage.Waiting in the train station.Waving at an old and funny "monkey" friend.One road,five girls,lots of stories-just how we like it.A dad in blue and a hometown with clear cyan skies.Lusting for food and my bed.Unexpected sour cherries.Smooth coffee.Breathtaking show.Shadowy storm.Their preparations and my growing anxiety.Sinking blankets.Loud cats.A consciousness torn between a movie and an essay (spoiler alert: neither wins).Crowded place.Happy brother.A piece of advice,some directions,a lot of rules-apparently,I'm 5 years old of age.Crumpled sheets and greenish walls.My body aches because of today and tomorrow.

Blue beads and random thoughts

Alarma parca ma trezeste din morti,nu din somn.
Aceeasi voce innabusita,aceleasi chipuri obosite,acelasi gand de inutilitate cosmica.
Daca mi-as putea petrece toata viata intr-o biblioteca,as fi cea mai fericita.
Stim doar strictul necesar,insa am uitat sa cunoastem sensul de dincolo de cuvinte-tipic.
Mi-e cald,mi-e rau,ma agat de bluza cu margele albastre ca de o geamandura pe uscat,iar senzatia de greata nu ma ajuta cu nimic.
Baietii pe care ii indragesc ma fac sa ma simt penibil fara niciun gest care sa ii tradeze.
Prietenii "perversi" si plimbarile cat o statie de metrou mai salveaza cateodata situatia.
Mi-am patat maieul alb cu somn si lene.
De ce se incapataneaza cei pe care ii iubim sa intineze acest sentiment tocmai cand avem cel mai mult nevoie de ei?
S-a suparat pana si cerul pe noi.
Ras nocturn,foi manjite de creion,cuvinte aproape goale-tablou tras la indigo.
Astazi a fost o zi cafenie si bizara.

Churning core

My response system is apparently shattered-I don't know how else to explain this behavior which seems more cinematic than real to me right now.
I weep when I'm praised.I get mad when I'm confronted.I get drowsy when nightmares make their siren's call.
To not know what my next reaction will be is a source of great despair to me nowadays,since I don't particularly want to become a spectator in the first line of my own life.
Why is my brain so upside-down?Why is my heart just black and white?Why is my body like a shore in the midst of a hurricane?I'd like to have an answer for all these questions,but all I'm left with is sand in my mouth and sea water on my cheeks.
I want to love.Be loved.Be happy.Smile and hug and breathe with both my lungs at the same time.But I can't.I can't because there's something wrong with me and I don't know what.
Until I can find the root of my plague,I'm left with a longing soul and a churning core.
Damn...

Red skirt,blue flowers,white shirt

I don't know how to be pretty
when the subway is all crowded
and that dream I had about you last night
still lingers in my mind like strawberry candy

I don't know how to smile
when my backbone cracks under the weight
of dull nightmares and wet dirt eyes

I don't know how to touch
another man's soul without tainting
my ego and my blue&red affection

I don't know how to love
this cyan sky or my fragile friends
or that feeling of warm daffodils
between my toes and my fingers

I don't know how to be smart
enough to count,smart enough to stand tall,
smart enough to believe it myself

I don't know how to behave
in this white shirt

Seeing things

Eu o sa innebunesc.O spun cu mana tremuranda pe inima si cu absoluta convingere ca mi s-a deconectat un circuit la cap.
Nu mai mentionez cosmarurile care ma fac sa plang si sa dorm doar strictul necesar si care pur si simplu imi domina viata de ceva vreme.Nu mai mentionez faptul ca ma trezesc ametita si sufocata si speriata in fiecare dimineata.Nici nu mai spun de temerile si asteptarile mele stupide de la viata.Dar sa ajung sa am vedenii si "auzenii" in mijlocul zilei,asta e prea de tot...

Mi-e frica.Mi-e tot timpul frica:sa dorm,sa ies pe strada,sa vorbesc cu ceilalti de parca as fi o vaza pretioasa stricata,mi-e frica sa exist pentru ca nu mai stiu cum se face.

M-am vaitat in ultimele zile si-n stanga,si-n dreapta,iar lucrul acesta ma face sa-mi fie rusine si sila de mine.De parca lumea mai are nevoie de inca o "tragedie in desfasurare"...

Am inceput sa plang in timp ce vorbeam cu mama la telefon in seara asta.Incercam sa-mi ascund vocea "sparta",dar nu cred ca mi-a iesit.Ma paralizeaza ideea de singuratate,de demoni ce nu pot fi anulati,de zile negre si nopti cu ochi deschisi.

Imi tremura carnea pe mine fara motiv-nu vreau sa fiu o victima,stiu ca sunt mult mai puternica de atat,insa simt ca ma descompun emotional.Ma simt neputincioasa in fata propriului dezastru,cu foi pline in brate si un suflet fara farul ce candva il orienta,oricat de slaba ar fi fost lumina.

Fug mereu de ceva necunoscut,dar fug in van,caci ascunzatoarea imi este vizuina monstrului:vizuina sunt eu...

Mi-as plange de mila,insa nu merit deloc.Cred ca o sa raman cu fantasmele mele diurne si cu o pata mare pe creier.

Totusi,mi-e in continuare frica:sa dorm,sa functionez,mi-e frica de mine.Mi-e frica pentru ca nu are cine ori cum sa ma salveze.Mi-e frica de frica cea doboratoare.

Washed away by the May rain

My nightmares are taking advantage of me in a most sinister and bloody way.
To wake up pen in hand and back all bent-I've seen this picture one too many times before.
Sunday is about running and throwing things around the house and complaining about how there's never enough time-there's never enough time...
My shoes are always dirty and my mind is never made up.
Mom cooks so well nowadays that it's almost a sin to eat everything in a hurry.
Leaving home will never be easy.
This blue train is getting more and more tiresome,but at least the company is nice.
Washed away,I'm being washed away by the May rain...
Exciting news,short "trips" around the room and a sweet tooth that just won't say "no".
I'm afraid to ask myself how much I'm learning and how much I'm just cramming in for an exam.
It's easier when it's just me and a blank sheet of paper.
I wonder what sort of Hell tonight will bring...

Greedy and needy

All I do is eat and whine when I'm home.It doesn't help that grandma keeps making delicious food or that I still believe I'm the center of the Universe-still,I try to make up for the times I'm away,which isn't easy to squeeze into one single whole day.
Whether I have coffee with dad,tease my brother or gossip with mom in the evening,I try to be there for them and for myself-you know,there,there,not in front of my laptop or sleeping till noon.
Though I don't always succeed and enter my "super bitchy mode",there are days (like today) when I get to enjoy spending time with my family and get round to doing some school work.Mind blowing!A rule must have its exceptions...
Life was good today,small wonders,lazy moments and domestic sequences and all.
Now I'm writing and about to fall asleep,but I know this:whatever tomorrow brings,I had today.A beautiful today.My beautiful today.

All sorts

Angry tummy.Violent nightmares.Gloomy morning.No coffee.Heavy stairs.Dripping eyelids.Summer storm.Boring words.Cyan eyes.Crowded train station.Loud journey."Monkey" friends.Best comeback ever.Sleepy bones.Sunny hometown.Surprising dad.Sweet home.Pink nose cat.Wholesome food.Loving grandmother.Bare feet.Taller baby brother.Afternoon coffee.Fury racers.Calling mom.Funny shows.Kitchen trips.Clear sunset.Green air.Cozy blanket.Medieval drama.Wet clothes.Shared stories.Old movies.Stupid jokes.May plans.Forgotten chores.Familiar news.Darling friends.Pretty things.Angry flesh.Pending sleep.Blue words.Moaning fantasies.Bad people.Distant illusions.Emerald tiles.Tired indecisions.Dependent fuzz-ball.Childish pajamas.Sturdy bed.Thankful prayers.All sorts.

Revelations in the rain

Demonii mei nu locuiesc in cap,ci in stomac,unde colcaie pana ma trezesc inaintea alarmei si inaintea zorilor.
Orasul asta ma face sa fiu mai indrazneata si mai superficiala.
Ma sperie faptul ca o simpla hartie poate face diferenta intre greata si serenitatea mea emotionala.
"Cum sa mori de somn pe bancile facultatii"-povestea vietii mele.
M-a udat ploaia pana la piele,pana la picioarele goale,pana la tenisii galbeni.
Revelatii acvatice: folclorul imi face inima sa bata mai rosu,am mereu prietene mult mai frumoase decat mine,mersul prin furtuna e mai dramatic si mai amuzant (pentru cei din masini) decat alergatul.
Carnea se rascoala impotriva mea dupa somn in ghirlande de carcei,iar cerealele n-au gust bun cand ma gandesc la toti baietii care nu ma plac.
"Am timp,dar n-am chef"-adica cea mai neproductiva experienta cu ecouri de joi seara pe care o cunosc.
Prefer sa dorm si sa uit de probleme,fie ele inventate sau nu...

Aches and assholes

Let me tell you a story about a girl who is taken for a fool one time too many nowadays and is this close to bashing somebody's head against a wall in frustration.
It's not like this girl has to study or sleep or,I don't know,have a fucking life-no,no,no,she has to indirectly cater to the consequences derived from other's broken promises and general ignorance.
You'd think that,after all these years,"girl" got used to such assholes and learned to ignore them.Well,once in a while,wisdom gives way to pure rage,stinging silence and not so tamed sass.
You have to admit,an apparently collapsing body and social Hell in the making don't add up to the best combo.
Girl goes to college,girl is (too damn) nice to peers,peers become laid-back leeches (well,not all of them,but the percentage lives up to its name),girl thinks about becoming a serial killer.Joking!(not)
Maybe the oncoming storm will wash away the day,cleanse the ashes,make the girl alright once more.
Then again,this is just a story... 

Duty calls

I do this thing where I don't care by caring too much-weird,isn't it?Yeah,well,there's a lot more from where that came from...
I sometimes care about myself only in view of what not caring would mean to the ones I love.In a way,I substitute "preservation" with some sort of "obligation",which only God knows will mean on the long term.
I'll wake up early and eat the same thing for three days in a row and drink "explosive" coffee for some college-related thing and really dumb because...Beats me.It's a tie between false selfishness and the ghost of a determination I lost when I understood what "reality" really meant.
Then I'll sleep for a couple of hours,feel like an alien,curse my poor-ass decisions of living and plan another coffee to get me through pointless studying.
I'm silly,I know.And,as much a paradox as it may seem,very selfish in my apparently selfless acts.
Remember when I said liquor is an answer to all questions?Unfortunately,tonight I'll have to settle for milk...

Not enough

You go out of your way to accomplish something you're not even sure you want.You're happy because maybe,just maybe,this time the odds were truly in your favor.You try to sprinkle your daily misery with some sort of fleeting joy.And yet that's never enough.There will always be somebody to make sure you know and understand you're not enough.And never will be...
Why do I even try?I mean,"life sucks and then you die".Taking into account I don't really believe in this whole Heaven-Hell business (if they are actually real,then I'm definitely burning my ass off in the afterlife),I tend to consider myself conscious future-compost.As a consequence,my motto isn't the most conventional and uplifting (so to speak):"If shit works,then it works.If it breaks,then it breaks."
Sure enough,I have my "good days",my "bad days",and,most often than not,my "bad-bad days".But sometimes I get days when the balance is uncertain and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like today,for instance:crappy morning,sparkles of light,afternoon sleeping in the library,hot as Hell,tiresome sleep,crappy night.Though it may all look like a big stapled "minus",I still try to find joy in small things like coffee and pretty strangers and silly jokes,so yeah...
I'm very confused and uncertain whether to hate myself or the views which make me want to hate myself.
I know it's hard for me to speak in public or face large crowds or even cross the street sometimes,but I can't change overnight,so please don't expect that from me.
I'm not near perfect,neither am I enough,that's clear as day,just don't remind me of this because I never really do forget about it...
Can't say that phone call brought me to tears,but the bitter taste in my mouth isn't fun either.