Reward of the patient

In one way or another,college has reduced me to a (somewhat) polite animal.

I try not to groan (too much) when waking up early in the morning.Coffee and food are the only things keeping me going.I try not to hiss (with sarcasm) when teachers make me want to throw myself out the window.My screaming reduces to an internal and concealed version of itself when seeing a "gorgeous creature of the Lord".I try to form social ties by giving my friends candy and bullying them all the time.My energy levels are at an all time low around noon,when I start running out of sustenance (crackers).When a course becomes too boring,self-preservation kicks in by means of daydreaming.When "escaping" college,the opportunity of a feast (provided by my local supermarket) is not to be denied.Being alone on a Friday night means that I can eat how I want,when I want and how much I want to,provided I don't let my tears soak up the bread.With a full tummy and empty tear ducts,I can enjoy the miracle of virtual information (cat videos and music).

Though I'd rather be at home right now,tomorrow is only a night away.I will be patient.

I've become a polite animal...more or less... 

(Almost) Lost day

soarele rasare ingamfat
atunci cand urmeaza sa pierzi ziua
cu ore goale,insirate pe o ata
care lumineaza caraghios

te pierzi in visarea
ce se naste din tacere
si-ti doresti sa ai la indemana
un radio cu glas strident

prea mult efort se prabuseste
in calea marelui Nimic
si mie-mi pare ca lumea
mi se invarte in zadar astazi

ma dor talpile cand calc,
ma doare puloverul rosu pe spate,
ma doare cand ii doare pe altii

oare porumbeii isi dau seama
ca ii urmaresc,dorindu-le
mari de paine franta
si un balcon divin din orhidee?

ma gandesc la trecut
ca la o perla,
iar eu sunt scoica-n carnea careia
firele de nisip stralucesc nostalgic

o zi ca cea de astazi
are parca un nod grosolan in mijloc

Too much,not enough

I'm starting to believe I'm part of one massive joke that has everybody laughing but me.I always seem to be in some ridiculous situation or questioning my every decision made so far.Is it fair?I cannot say.Is it helpful?Maybe.Anyway,it's nice knowing I have a handful of friends who are willing to help me get through this...thing.Not knowing what to call it doesn't help at all...God,give me strength!

You may call me a downright loser,but today has marked my very first visit to a mall ever.I was,for lack of a stronger word,unimpressed because there were too many clothes and so much less excitement.But today also marked me seeing my first 3D movie (*cough cough* "The Hobbit:The Desolation of Smaug") and I'm still drunk on the awesomeness and epicness of it.It's good to have friends determined enough to drag you out of the house...

Have you ever felt so horrible as a human being that you didn't know where to hide from yourself?Because that's how I'm feeling right now.Yes,I have betrayed somebody's trust and I feel sick to my stomach about it.I don't know what's gotten into me,except sheer stupidity,maybe.And it sucks immensely-I am the only one to blame,I have no excuse,I fucked up.And I deserve all this torment...and then some.

Slow it down!

what I need right now is
for my alarm clock to shut the fuck up
and the subway to be less nauseating
and for this building to be less gloomy
and this teacher to go away
and for my life not to be wasted
and my friends to never leave me
and for the neon lights to stop stinging
and that woman to speak more slowly
and for my hand not to let go of the pen
and to stop feeling exhausted
and for winter to go away
and this room to smell better
and for this silence to dissipate
and my bones to stop crackling
and for the clocks to slow it down
and my eyes to see more
and for this bed to stop being awful
and people to forget how to be mean
and for books to be shorter
and boys to be nicer
and for the week to be over
and my place at the home table to be filled
and for the world to cease running
and my stomach to stop wanting,
this is what I need right now

Verdict:no

There's no chance of me surviving this new academic semester.No way,no how.
This was my first official day back and it felt more like drowning while wanting to sleep,all at the same time.There is too much stuff to be done,there are absolutely too many demands and,as usual,there is not much time at hand.
People are so cocky and jumpy,though!As if my life revolved around accomplishing petty tasks that honestly make me want to pop my eyes out of my sockets.Unfortunately,by doing all that it asked of me,I wouldn't even have the energy to do that...
I know I willingly signed in for this "Faculty of Letters" thing,but I don't think it's physically possible to read that many books in one week.I'd need an extra pair of eyes and brain and the lot-I'd need a twin.But would she/he be so stupid as to join me here?I think not.
So I remain alone,imaginary twin or not,to battle paper-dragons and course-ghouls.I'm so drained of energy right now,you couldn't get me to run for my own life.Why would I,anyway?Don't answer that...
Tomorrow doesn't look brighter either,so I'll just have to pray and hope my mind and body won't fail me.But wishful thinking never did get me that far...
Verdict?Categoric:no.

I'm trying

I'm trying to think about all of this as a game.

It's an unpleasant one-which kinda defeats the purpose of a "game" from the start,but one which I must nonetheless play.The rules are: there are bags to be packed,"goodbyes" to be said,trains to be caught,other cities to be visited for almost a week or so at a time.

How I hate it,I really do!Especially with all that tension which is to be expected...Good friends help in the process.So does the thought of coming back.But it all feels so pointless sometimes that I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

I've had a wonderful week to rest and gather myself around a core once more,but it seems I need years to mentally prepare myself for...whatever this is.Me trying to be better in the future by loathing the present?A chosen path?One of life's many trials?Beats me...

All I know is that I got onto the same blue train and I got to the same room and that I have the same pit in my stomach which tells me it's no good.I'm not good.

You may think I'm dramatic and overreacting,but no.The difference is that I will try to make the best of my week in one way or another.

I'm trying to think about all of this as a game...

Future longing

It already pains me to think or try to imagine it,but I will miss beyond words all of this.The comfort,the security,the idea of being in a space that is more "me" than I am myself.
I will have to face people who know me only from a stolen glance of time,a far cry from those who have helped me grow from nothing to man.It's like a blanket of anxiety has clung to my shoulders in a moment of confusion,leaving me to stand among the ruins of a fallen pseudo-hero.
Should I break my ties or simply let the thread unwind some more kilometers?
It's hard living half-lives,with pieces of you scattered all over the place-who is to guarantee you'll ever find them again anymore?
Oh,why do I insist on spoiling my little crumb of happiness with things that might not even happen?For the future is tricky,you know-though it often overlaps with the present,there's a certain degree of chaos that might creep in at any point.Happy thoughts,happy thoughts,bucketloads of happy thoughts.
I'm still here.I still have time.I can't fully control tomorrow,so I settle for what's in front of me:a life I've always cherished somehow.I should leave this "future longing" to its rightful place.
Right now,all I have to do is breathe...

Domestic overdrive

Oh,how I will miss these lazy mornings in a week or so!
Why is eating in the morning so damn hard,while the urge to drink coffee has become overpowering?
I wish I had somebody to make me playlists all the time because I'm a bad influence on my emotions.
I don't mind helping people-I mind it when I'm told the same instructions ten times over,when I'm seen as incompetent,when I'm looked upon like an idiot.
I think being nice to old people is intrinsically required.
The weather is still gloomy and strong,a cursing/blessing for my out of shape lungs.
I almost forgot why I watch so many damn TV shows:because,that way,I get to live more than I've (ever) bargained for.
Advice of the day:never cook for others because you will end up stressed,depressed and silly smelling (even though you are a bit awesome at cooking).
When people ask me why I drink so much coffee,I just stare at them and sip uncomfortably out of my "mustache" mug.
I'm doing my English homework on a Friday night because my life is fabulous like that.
Watching TV with the family,"training" the cats,laughing our imaginary hats off-that's how the good life looks and feel like!
I declare a personal sense of pride in the bands I chose to obsess over.
I'm tired and sleepy and ready to conquer the world...of dreams,that is.

Gloomy laziness

this bed smells like stale dreams
and I just can't bear to look at food
and my hands sting with menthol
and my brother sings along with me
and the windows are gray
and my feet don't want to walk
and my coffee tastes like ashes
and I woke up wanting to stay
and I only care for distant people
and my thighs are as blue as my jeans
and my George has grown so tall
and my spine can sigh in relief
and my toes look for comfort
and I'd rather not peek outside
and I'm mad at myself for being mad
and the pillows are squirming with fluff
and I'm such a child
and I should clean my room
and I've forgotten how to properly feel
and all the plants are dead
and I'm in lust with a phantasm
and this place is warm
and I'm afraid to make plans
and this movie is making me itchy
and I could drink another coffee
and this is where the page ends

Red fingers

Never deny your body as many hours of sleep as it demands-even if you're left with aching bones and a bad temper.
Never force breakfast and never skip your morning coffee-you'll regret it when you're 50,but you're not that confident about reaching 50 either.
Never tell the people you love mean things,even if you're somehow right or not.
Never apologize for being in a bad mood.
Never consider you've taken enough bags when going shopping-you haven't,I can assure you of that.
Never shy away from yelling at small children who have no idea how to properly play with snow.
Never let your grandma trick you into going out.
Never follow the urge to slap random and impolite strangers on the street.
Never tell yourself "I have too many carrots at home".
Never get angry at people because of their age,issues or quirks.
Never buy so much stuff that you have to keep telling yourself that "Pain is only temporary" on the way home .
Never blame red fingers.
Never let a cursed headache ruin your afternoon,no matter how bloody much it tries to do so.
Never refuse a friend because there are moments you can never make again.
Never deny yourself an impromptu karaoke session,even if you're the only one singing.
Never tell yourself you're too old to be happy about small things.
Never say "never" because it usually maddens the Universe.

Little adult

Not to brag or anything,but I really did feel like an adult today and a little bit more confident than usual.
Owing to that "domestic brawl" from a couple of days ago,I'm now in need of something to put my food in,right?So,with the help of my brother (and the magical place called "the Internet"),I found a local electronics store that had a (cheap) mini-bar/mini-fridge/whatever.
Though my uncle helped me with the moving around part,I handled the whole deal,which made me realize that 1. I really need to get my driver's license this summer and 2. I am a capable human being,who knew?I understand it sounds kind of pathetic,but I'm content with small steps.
Anyway,I've named it "Bubu" and (apparently) it purrs like I kitten.What I need it to do is freeze like a penguin,,but we'll get to that too...eventually.
The main idea I drew from today is that I can do things just right if I put my mind to it and,though I have the same face I had when I was 12,people do take me seriously if I demand that from them.
Of course,I wasted the rest of the afternoon sprawled beneath same comfy blankets,but being a grown up is demanding,give a girl a break here...
Unfortunately,this whole deal means a huge hole in my tattoo budget,but I'll make it right,I always do.
I guess listening to Beyoncé paid off now...

Wind,cookies,headache

It's too early for spring to be here,but this wind tells another story.The lake is frozen in front of me,with a dominant sun encompassing everything around in a yellowish haze.If I close my eyes,I can hear the leaves from a few forgotten trees shuffling and rustling.The air is thick and strong and my lungs are both elated and paralyzed.There's so much to take from this piece of nature,so I soak it all in.For once,something else is howling.

You don't need a lot of friends to be happy,just a handful of really good ones.Friends that will bring you divine cookies and take long walks with you and with whom you can talk about literally everything/anything.These are the people you really want to hold on to,even when it seems impossible or time looks like a monster that doesn't fit under the bed anymore.Especially when the silence between you doesn't feel uncomfortable,but meaningful.And you can only hope that they need you in return.

It's definitely not spring-I feel as if winter in its entirety has rushed to seek shelter between my brains for all eternity,unreasonable and aching as it is.It's amazingly scary how a little bit of pain can render you useless and miserable for the afternoon.And it's really scary when not even coffee can cure you...Stingy eyes,why won't you let me see?I need to see...What an impolite headache.