Verdict:no

There's no chance of me surviving this new academic semester.No way,no how.
This was my first official day back and it felt more like drowning while wanting to sleep,all at the same time.There is too much stuff to be done,there are absolutely too many demands and,as usual,there is not much time at hand.
People are so cocky and jumpy,though!As if my life revolved around accomplishing petty tasks that honestly make me want to pop my eyes out of my sockets.Unfortunately,by doing all that it asked of me,I wouldn't even have the energy to do that...
I know I willingly signed in for this "Faculty of Letters" thing,but I don't think it's physically possible to read that many books in one week.I'd need an extra pair of eyes and brain and the lot-I'd need a twin.But would she/he be so stupid as to join me here?I think not.
So I remain alone,imaginary twin or not,to battle paper-dragons and course-ghouls.I'm so drained of energy right now,you couldn't get me to run for my own life.Why would I,anyway?Don't answer that...
Tomorrow doesn't look brighter either,so I'll just have to pray and hope my mind and body won't fail me.But wishful thinking never did get me that far...
Verdict?Categoric:no.

I'm trying

I'm trying to think about all of this as a game.

It's an unpleasant one-which kinda defeats the purpose of a "game" from the start,but one which I must nonetheless play.The rules are: there are bags to be packed,"goodbyes" to be said,trains to be caught,other cities to be visited for almost a week or so at a time.

How I hate it,I really do!Especially with all that tension which is to be expected...Good friends help in the process.So does the thought of coming back.But it all feels so pointless sometimes that I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

I've had a wonderful week to rest and gather myself around a core once more,but it seems I need years to mentally prepare myself for...whatever this is.Me trying to be better in the future by loathing the present?A chosen path?One of life's many trials?Beats me...

All I know is that I got onto the same blue train and I got to the same room and that I have the same pit in my stomach which tells me it's no good.I'm not good.

You may think I'm dramatic and overreacting,but no.The difference is that I will try to make the best of my week in one way or another.

I'm trying to think about all of this as a game...

Future longing

It already pains me to think or try to imagine it,but I will miss beyond words all of this.The comfort,the security,the idea of being in a space that is more "me" than I am myself.
I will have to face people who know me only from a stolen glance of time,a far cry from those who have helped me grow from nothing to man.It's like a blanket of anxiety has clung to my shoulders in a moment of confusion,leaving me to stand among the ruins of a fallen pseudo-hero.
Should I break my ties or simply let the thread unwind some more kilometers?
It's hard living half-lives,with pieces of you scattered all over the place-who is to guarantee you'll ever find them again anymore?
Oh,why do I insist on spoiling my little crumb of happiness with things that might not even happen?For the future is tricky,you know-though it often overlaps with the present,there's a certain degree of chaos that might creep in at any point.Happy thoughts,happy thoughts,bucketloads of happy thoughts.
I'm still here.I still have time.I can't fully control tomorrow,so I settle for what's in front of me:a life I've always cherished somehow.I should leave this "future longing" to its rightful place.
Right now,all I have to do is breathe...

Domestic overdrive

Oh,how I will miss these lazy mornings in a week or so!
Why is eating in the morning so damn hard,while the urge to drink coffee has become overpowering?
I wish I had somebody to make me playlists all the time because I'm a bad influence on my emotions.
I don't mind helping people-I mind it when I'm told the same instructions ten times over,when I'm seen as incompetent,when I'm looked upon like an idiot.
I think being nice to old people is intrinsically required.
The weather is still gloomy and strong,a cursing/blessing for my out of shape lungs.
I almost forgot why I watch so many damn TV shows:because,that way,I get to live more than I've (ever) bargained for.
Advice of the day:never cook for others because you will end up stressed,depressed and silly smelling (even though you are a bit awesome at cooking).
When people ask me why I drink so much coffee,I just stare at them and sip uncomfortably out of my "mustache" mug.
I'm doing my English homework on a Friday night because my life is fabulous like that.
Watching TV with the family,"training" the cats,laughing our imaginary hats off-that's how the good life looks and feel like!
I declare a personal sense of pride in the bands I chose to obsess over.
I'm tired and sleepy and ready to conquer the world...of dreams,that is.

Gloomy laziness

this bed smells like stale dreams
and I just can't bear to look at food
and my hands sting with menthol
and my brother sings along with me
and the windows are gray
and my feet don't want to walk
and my coffee tastes like ashes
and I woke up wanting to stay
and I only care for distant people
and my thighs are as blue as my jeans
and my George has grown so tall
and my spine can sigh in relief
and my toes look for comfort
and I'd rather not peek outside
and I'm mad at myself for being mad
and the pillows are squirming with fluff
and I'm such a child
and I should clean my room
and I've forgotten how to properly feel
and all the plants are dead
and I'm in lust with a phantasm
and this place is warm
and I'm afraid to make plans
and this movie is making me itchy
and I could drink another coffee
and this is where the page ends

Red fingers

Never deny your body as many hours of sleep as it demands-even if you're left with aching bones and a bad temper.
Never force breakfast and never skip your morning coffee-you'll regret it when you're 50,but you're not that confident about reaching 50 either.
Never tell the people you love mean things,even if you're somehow right or not.
Never apologize for being in a bad mood.
Never consider you've taken enough bags when going shopping-you haven't,I can assure you of that.
Never shy away from yelling at small children who have no idea how to properly play with snow.
Never let your grandma trick you into going out.
Never follow the urge to slap random and impolite strangers on the street.
Never tell yourself "I have too many carrots at home".
Never get angry at people because of their age,issues or quirks.
Never buy so much stuff that you have to keep telling yourself that "Pain is only temporary" on the way home .
Never blame red fingers.
Never let a cursed headache ruin your afternoon,no matter how bloody much it tries to do so.
Never refuse a friend because there are moments you can never make again.
Never deny yourself an impromptu karaoke session,even if you're the only one singing.
Never tell yourself you're too old to be happy about small things.
Never say "never" because it usually maddens the Universe.

Little adult

Not to brag or anything,but I really did feel like an adult today and a little bit more confident than usual.
Owing to that "domestic brawl" from a couple of days ago,I'm now in need of something to put my food in,right?So,with the help of my brother (and the magical place called "the Internet"),I found a local electronics store that had a (cheap) mini-bar/mini-fridge/whatever.
Though my uncle helped me with the moving around part,I handled the whole deal,which made me realize that 1. I really need to get my driver's license this summer and 2. I am a capable human being,who knew?I understand it sounds kind of pathetic,but I'm content with small steps.
Anyway,I've named it "Bubu" and (apparently) it purrs like I kitten.What I need it to do is freeze like a penguin,,but we'll get to that too...eventually.
The main idea I drew from today is that I can do things just right if I put my mind to it and,though I have the same face I had when I was 12,people do take me seriously if I demand that from them.
Of course,I wasted the rest of the afternoon sprawled beneath same comfy blankets,but being a grown up is demanding,give a girl a break here...
Unfortunately,this whole deal means a huge hole in my tattoo budget,but I'll make it right,I always do.
I guess listening to Beyoncé paid off now...

Wind,cookies,headache

It's too early for spring to be here,but this wind tells another story.The lake is frozen in front of me,with a dominant sun encompassing everything around in a yellowish haze.If I close my eyes,I can hear the leaves from a few forgotten trees shuffling and rustling.The air is thick and strong and my lungs are both elated and paralyzed.There's so much to take from this piece of nature,so I soak it all in.For once,something else is howling.

You don't need a lot of friends to be happy,just a handful of really good ones.Friends that will bring you divine cookies and take long walks with you and with whom you can talk about literally everything/anything.These are the people you really want to hold on to,even when it seems impossible or time looks like a monster that doesn't fit under the bed anymore.Especially when the silence between you doesn't feel uncomfortable,but meaningful.And you can only hope that they need you in return.

It's definitely not spring-I feel as if winter in its entirety has rushed to seek shelter between my brains for all eternity,unreasonable and aching as it is.It's amazingly scary how a little bit of pain can render you useless and miserable for the afternoon.And it's really scary when not even coffee can cure you...Stingy eyes,why won't you let me see?I need to see...What an impolite headache.

Freedom pledge

M-am hotarat:saptamana asta chiulesc de la facultate.
Presupun ca imi permit,nu-i asa?Doar mi-am mancat suficient sanatatea,nervii si creierul in mediul ala...academic.Nu,domnule,urmatoarele 5-6 zile vor fi dedicate unui egocentrism exuberant,zile in care voi bea (mult prea multa) cafea buna,ma voi plimba,voi sta in pat pana mi se vor revolta oasele si nu ma voi gandi deloc la "Literele vietii".Acesta este planul,sa speram ca ma "tine" sa ma tin de el...
Nu stiu,sunt obosita si suparata si n-am absolut niciun chef de drama pentru un timp,fie cat de scurt.Plimbarea de azi mi-a intarit aceasta convingere,mai ales ca vremea a fost superba si compania tare inteleapta.Oricum,primele zile sunt de "introducere",bibliografii,crap like that.O sa ma satur de fetele profilor un semestru intreg,asa ca nu ma stresez prea mult pentru faza asta...
Dar eu nu inteleg de ce aberez in continuare pe subiectul respectiv,in conditiile in care am un film de vazut ("Her"),mancare de mancat si pisici de mangaiat-chiar nu inteleg!
Fac un pact cu mine insami chiar acum:sa nu-mi refuz libertatea,fericirea si "rebeliunea" de cate ori am ocazia!
Si,pe aceasta nota semi-revolutionara,urmeaza sa zac precum o lenesa ce sunt intr-o stare de multumire aproape nesimtita...

A full house

Este ciudat si placut cand se aduna toata lumea acasa intr-o zi de sambata.
Este fantastic sa te plimbi dimineata prin oras dupa maruntisuri si un cadou.
Este copilaresc si amuzant sa te bucuri atat de mult pentru niste stickere.
Este obositor sa te tot infrunti cu aerul tare de februarie.
Este greu sa astepti pana se incalzeste cum trebuie cafeaua.
Este hilar sa vezi cum se joaca pisicile cu un ghemotoc de hartie.
Este tare bine sa n-ai nimic de facut dupa atata timp in care aveai prea multe de facut.
Este aproape stupid sa ranjesti de cate ori vezi cana cu "mustata" pe birou.
Este interesant sa te "certi" cu mama prin casa si sa nu poti afisa o fata serioasa in tot timpul acesta.
Este magnific sa asculti Arctic Monkeys la maxim,fara sa-ti pese daca se vor strica bietele casti sau daca deranjezi pe cineva.
Este plictisitor sa lenevesti in pat toata dupa-amiaza,dar cineva trebuie sa o faca si pe asta,nu-i asa?
Este divin sa te scufunzi intr-un pat moale si cald.
Este delicios sa savurezi placinta de mere facuta cu drag.
Este simpatic sa te amuzi cu prietenii pe seama "idiotului" care iti distruge viata.
Este linistitor sa uiti de tine,fie numai pentru putin timp,pe muzica de fundal...
Este frumos sa ai timp sa observi frumusetea din jurul tau.

"Galentine's" Day

Honest to God,I cannot physically drag myself out of bed until 10 a.m.,it's ridiculous!

Having my morning coffee here is like having a nice wish come to life.

I don't mind being a big sister-actually,there are days such as this one when I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cats are giddy and disobedient and fluffy beyond control,I want 100.

Curly hair may seem like a blessing-until it's actually yours to keep and take care of.

It's lovely having friends with whom you can talk about all the crap that's been going on in your life,rant about college,roam the city streets,take pictures in the park and just laugh your sorrows away.

This February sun is being kinder than I thought it would be towards us.

I'm surrounded by witty redheads and breathtaking artists and it's amazing.

Wouldn't you know it:this "Galentine's" Day (as in "Gals",d'uh!),I got candy (for my birthday,that is,owing to the fact that,well,college life is sucky that way);nonetheless, it was awfully nice and orange-y.

I've started drinking coffee in my "mustache" mug and,let me tell you,it has never tasted wiser and more posh.

Sadly,I wasn't able to continue my tradition of watching "Pride and Prejudice" for the millionth time on this day because I'm lazy like that.

To love or not to love-unfortunately,that isn't a question anymore...

Candy for the soul

I had to get out of the house and just do something,for fear I might actually go crazy from thinking things I shouldn't be thinking about...So,I went grocery shopping and,contrary to popular belief,it felt good.
The air was so strong and cold that my lungs seemed at the brink of weeping-whether of joy or pain,I cannot tell.Then,I got to roam aimlessly through the aisles,picking the biggest box of chocolates I could find and some other stuff,pulling faces at ridiculous prices,grinning from ear to ear when coming across a puzzle with Van Gogh's "Irises" stapled on the cover.
For the first time in a long time,I didn't care about the strangers around me and what they might think-I disconnected from my own egocentricity and became a part of something much larger,even impersonal,I might say.
Yes,I am aware that a supermarket is the less glorious place to be having an epiphany in,but you don't get to pick and choose where these things happen,you know...
And no,I don't have a Valentine's date,I just wanted to sweeten my already bitter life,is that too much to ask for?I hope not...
Anyway,I really do hope things will somehow get better.I'm longing for days when I don't have to convince myself I'm fine.
Today was alright.