Looking back

Chiar daca nu-mi vine sa cred,a mai trecut un an.Asa imi spune calendarul plin de x-uri,asa urla toate televizoarele,asa o fi.Tot nu sunt convinsa,dar fie...

Se obisnuieste sa se faca un fel de inventar acum,in ultima zi,nu?Hai sa fim si noi in randul lumii,atunci...Ca doar acu' ne sare 2013 in brate si noi n-am numarat pe degete ce-a insemnat 2012!Eee...

Am vrut multe,am realizat multe,am ramas cu multe pe lista cu "de facut".De la primul tatuaj pana la primul an de facultate.De la emotiile bacalaureatului pana la incertitudinea inerenta mutarii intr-un alt oras.De la pierderea unei persoane dragi pana la construirea pas cu pas a persoanei care sunt astazi.Vreau sa cred ca am evoluat si ca faptele cu plus mi le-au compensat pe cele cu minus.Oricat de siropos ar suna,sper ca am devenit un om...mai bun.

N-am prea mare succes cu vorbele in seara asta,pare-mi-se mie!Sincer,nu cred ca este neaparat nevoie.De ce?Pentru ca...

...pentru ca vorbele sunt de prisos.Am scris (slava Domnului!) tot timpul si arhiva aceea frumos ingrasata din dreapta este cu mult mai indreptatita decat mine sa spuna ce si cum a fost anul pentru subsemnata.
Voi aveti petreceri de incins si eu va tin de vorba!Fugiti,fugiti!Pe mine ma cheama suav un pahar singuratic de vin alb,asa ca va foarte inteleg...
Per total,a fost un an extraordinar.Bune,rele,zilele mi-au apartinut si le-am impartasit cu Universul de fiecare data.Am incercat sa ma depasesc mereu si,uneori,mi-a si iesit.Chiar daca sunt eu o fiinta "tristuta" ( asa mi s-a spus),nu putine au fost clipele in care am zambit cu gura pana la urechi si am ras din toata inima.In lumea mea mica si speciala,am fost fericita si suparata si tot ce se gaseste intre ele.Nu regret absolut nimic,facut sau nu-deoarece n-are niciun rost sa incep un nou capitol cu mainile manjite de cerneala celui din urma.
Acestea fiind spuse,vreau sa va urez voua,dragilor mei prieteni si cititori mult rabdatori,un an nou asa cum va doriti,pace si numai lucruri frumoase.Le meritati din plin,credeti-ma pe cuvant!
Gata,hai,plecati de-aici la party,party!Eu ma duc sa-l intampin pe domnul 2013 cu fratele Bachus.

Heavy books and stupid knees

It's funny how you can just walk from a house full of joy to a cemetery and not even flinch.

I sometimes feel like I'm swimming,not walking,through this winter air-this is when my lungs plummet into my stomach and my lips crack and my body refuses to acknowledge certain pain.

Though there's no time to be wasted,family comes first and college second.

As much as I love reading,there will always be books that make you just want to poke out your eyes and quit.Yes,I'm currently in a battle with such a reading material.May God have mercy on my soul.

Thank Heavens for coffee and cats and the silly lie that everything will (eventually) be alright.

Believe it or not,I think my kitchen understands me spiritually.That's why I feel most at home there.That and the fact that I'm closest to the fridge.Priorities.

Everything would be generally fine if only my knees were to cooperate and stop hurting like Hell.My alternative is walking on my hands,but it's too late for that,isn't it?

Music makes the world go round,reality sweeter and the bed a lot softer.

Girls gone viral

If I could,I'd never leave my warm and protective bed-seriously,though.Coffee's always better when daddy's the one making it.I'm starting to regret going to college and voluntarily agreeing to read my life's worth in books that I don't feel particularly fond of-especially on my freaking vacation!My cats have grown fluffy and big and most whiny while I've been away.I should have been born a mermaid-that's how much I love water.It's so damn hard when you have something to do,but your entire being just goes against that necessity and tries to shut down-trust me.Communication issues-guess who has them?(*points at self*). I can't believe so much time has passed and we're reliving this moment and I love you to bits,girls!Because what's the point of having friends if you don't have sleepovers where you get to eat tons of candy,watch movies,stalk Youtubers,gossip and laugh till the morning?Either my bones are made of the most painful material in the world,or I have been dropped one too many times on the head when I was little.Nothing can compare with the feeling of belonging and friendship and love.Oh,and that candy tasted really Irish,by the way!

"My head is an animal"

A white moth crushing night's darkness.
A bat feeding off lingering nightmares.
A sloth in charge of my limbs in the morning.
A cat purring beside a dirty cup of coffee.
An elephant sitting on my weary eyelids.
A mouse working its way through a tiresome book,through my misspent youth,through borrowed hours.
A spider ceaselessly playing with my blue fingers.
A dog barking at my silly fantasies.
A butterfly bringing back past's glory into view.
An owl making my heart cry with despair and my faith to crumble into nothing.
An eagle soaring and taking my fearless spirit with it.
A lion roaring at my exhausted spine.
A turtle with a big smile on its face and one for me too.
A fox staring with a confused expression at aged pages and words fit for an older mind.
A wolf conjuring a most frightening moon.
A shark swimming around a freezing sphere.
A peacock pointing out flaws I never knew I had.
A fluffy llama's back for a bed.
A sparrow singing a loving song into my ears.

I'm tired and scared and my head is a mess.

Honey day

Endless summer mornings.Your soul mate bringing you a steaming cup of coffee when the bed's grasp becomes unbreakable.Tingling senses and a rush of colors through your veins.Books scattered around the house of your dreams,between brushes and midnight paintings.The roar of the sea coming like a natural poem through an open window.Peace of mind and the sweet insanity of a writer.Love,lust,leisure.An excited dog to greet you every single day.Living,breathing,heartbreaking art wherever and whenever you go.Good food and good lovers.Music that makes you want to burst out of your skin and weep and fall to your knees in ecstatic surrender.A healthy and happy family.Dreams that can no longer be dreams-because they have become true.An Italian friend to cook for you on demand.The chance to see the world and change it.Knowledge,wisdom,infinite inspiration.Sunset-drenched kisses.A cherry orchard all of your own.Purple walls,teal hydrangeas,lavender eyes.To surpass your idols.Pretty orchids and memorable adventures and an abundance of written words.Another 20 years of bliss and 20 more and 20 more ...I wish you all of this and more because I love you more than my silly words could ever encompass.

 A.

Christmas joy-part 2

I shouldn't be staying up so late-though it's not my fault I have a bucketful of books to read,zero willingness to read them and that the TV is slowly luring me into its world.
"You will never take me alive!",I cry as my mother rushes me to get out of bed at 9 a.m.;needless to say,that didn't work,neither did my grumpy face.It's sad ,but it's true-I'm growing old.And pathetic.
Truth be told,I don't even know why I complain so much-it's a freaking awesome holiday,I get to travel and see my relatives,I'm spending time with my family,friends,cats...I mean,why do I even open my mouth?That's a mystery to myself and the world.
To put it the old fashioned Romanian way,today I ate my way through the hours "in deplasare".Honest to God,pinch me with a needle right now and I'll burst!Even so,I regret nothing- 'cause nobody cooks like grandma&co.Nobody!My full tummy can testify to that.
There's something so marvelous and thrilling about a desolate winter scenery-the vastness,the silence,the whiteness!I've never seen a more human sunset up until this evening.
...and what better way to end the day than by singing?Or listening to other sing.Or both.

Christmas joy

Because my brother is an impatient little duck,we ended up opening our presents at 12 a.m.(instead of doing so on Christmas morning)-needles to say,I stayed up till an ungodly hour,eating chocolate and admiring my heavenly (black&gold) copy of "Wuthering Heights".Santa knows me all too well,apparently...

I swear,I do try to wake up when the alarm goes off!It's just that my muscles have this weird,reversed "Pavlov's dog" reaction and I can't physically get myself out from beneath the covers for,let's say,another hour.Though I just know I'm going to soon regret my lazy mornings,they feel too good to be denied.

To sum up this wonderful Christmas day:food,coffee,bed,blankets,cats,movies,food,music,writing,jokes,gifts,food,more coffee,DOCTOR FREAKING WHO,insane amounts of food,lovely friends,darling books,TV,FOOD.Pretty awesome time of the year,wouldn't you agree?The fact that I look like a giant ball stuffed inside a sweater stands proof of that.

Not to spoil anything,but I think this might be our first family holiday that didn't involve screaming and shouting at each other.And I'm truly grateful for it.

Hope you all had a beautiful day!Now,if you'll excuse me,I'm going to move all of my possessions into the kitchen because FOOD.Ho-ho-ho! 

Hit the road,darling!

...and the world's just one
big road,
with yellow lanterns and teal fireflies
guiding us back home;
...and I refuse to let my feet
give in,
bruised,battered,even bleeding
from the rocks which life throws
at them,
be it dawn,dusk or in between.
...and there's no such thing
as destiny,
only bare soles and willing hearts-
as long as there's dirt on the ground,
I'll be fine
and with a pen stuck
to my right hand!
...and I'll roam
these winding paths
through sizzling heat and damaged cold,
only to find my own
image
reflected at the end
of it all!
...and the world's just one
small piece
of what was,is,could become...

Lazy blankets and tired pens

masa din bucatarie mi-e prietena
atunci cand pixul
plange cu lacrimi albastre,
iar aburul usor marin ma-nvaluie
precum coada unei sirene
cu solzi din musama;
patul ca un crater visiniu
inghite
orice urma de iubire pentru litera impovarata
-vai mie!-
si lasa in urma doar cruste
din paturi bleu si bej;
podeaua din lemn desenat
cu pipeta
imi zgarie oasele si ma face sa urlu-
hartia se desface fals,n-am cum s-o dezbrac
si s-o invinetesc
surazand cu vorbe de sange si duh;
genunchii imi scartaie
cu fiecare ticait auriu al organului plastic,
iar ochii se scurg printre gratelele
de rimel-
nu pot! nu pot! nu pot!
muza mea e moarta si zace
intr-un colt uitat de Univers!
voi saruta din nou cuvantul
doar atunci cand se va fi descoperit
remediul
pentru un suflet uitat in camara.

Simply amazing

Bones aching from those long hours of sleep.Anonymous dreams that just won't let go of a wrinkled pillow.Unwilling hands and rusty joints.An overflowing breakfast,hypnotizing coffee,a chat I've forgotten how to love.Frozen streets,heavy boots,familiar strangers.An eerie and dark holiday cheer spreading through town.Small,yet meaningful gifts.Screaming,shouting,pacing around pieces of wood-some family members just don't click,I'll give you that.A blue hat for a grumpy baby brother.More coffee-because of reasons I no longer feel the need to explain.Finally getting round to watching "The Amazing Spider-Man" and,gosh,the title says it all!I will officially be 20 years of age in a month's time-send help!It feels right: here,in my bed,wrapped up in these fluffy blankets,with cats purring and music flowing through my brain-I'm not lonely,my happiness is just different from yours.I'm grateful for the mindless buzz of an open TV,for cozy socks,for who I came to be today.The bruises on my right palm are starting to heal-silly luggage!Dreams will always be diamonds embedded into my shadow.

Last train home

...also known as "How I spent the Apocalypse"

Am adormit pe la mijlocul noptii,dat fiind ca haita caminului s-a decis sa "puna in scena" profetiile mayase,la fel cum au facut si unii din nesimtitii mei colegi de parter.
Ultima cafea facuta la fierbator-nu pot sa spun ca-mi pare foarte rau de asta...
Singurii fraieri din toata facultatea...sau nu?Oricum,e oribil sa te plimbi pe scari cu bagajul de o tona,in conditiile in care bate vantul (literalmente) pe toate coridoarele.Old habits die hard,one might say.
O gara pudrata cu zapada,porumbei curiosi (si hamesiti),trenul mult asteptat,frig,Chaucer,haine colorate,ras,statia perfecta:da,da,DA!
Lenea si oboseala nu mai inseamna absolut nimic atunci cand este vorba de intalnirea cu o prietena buna!Chiar imi era dor de seri ca aceasta,de glumele secrete,de noi toate!
Mi-e si frica sa ma gandesc la cantitatea de mancare ce ma asteapta in vacanta si la rezultatele "maratonului" in sine-oh,well...
Dupa cum se poate vedea,a fost o Apocalipsa foarte placuta anul acesta.Looking forward to the next one.Cheers! 

Bourbon thoughts

I don't need magic as long as I've got coffee,for my sleepy ghosts will always know the power which lies in that yellow mug.

I've never felt so alive,yet so empty-my body vibrates at every touch,while my mind soars towards a whole new different sky.My black drug really does conjure miracles...

It's funny how the brush of a hand can heal unknown wounds,how a smile can breed fleeting happiness,how a pair of eyes can illuminate the most crowded of rooms.

Feeling pretty,feeling smart,feeling needed-oh,how my bourbon thoughts have taken over me...

Crimson bow around my neck and candy-like earrings-is it Christmas yet or do I have to try harder?!

I guess I'm so tired that there's no point in trying to figure it all out: just give me food,music and some poetry,then leave me be.I'm rejoicing in an exhaustion-induced high presently.It's so bad,it's almost good...

Luggage is ready,room is clean,heart is racing-"it's always darkest before the dawn"...

Frozen blossoms

Dearest nightmares,no matter how hard you try,you'll never bring me down.You know why?I'm real,you're not-that's why.

Is it weird that I talk to myself when I shop,check out all the cute boys in the supermarket,wander around for about an hour,then end up buying only candy and milk?Yes,I believe it is.Meh...

I love procrastinating,yet I hate freaking out-do you see my problem?!

I'm starting to get the hang of reading on the subway and still enjoying it-soon,I'll become a prime example of urban/intelligent/sassy acrobat.Yey,me!

I don't particularly enjoy human interaction,but,if it ends up with me spending time in a scented and maze-like library,then ...I'm game!

To paint you a picture,I will literally walk through a blizzard sent by frozen-Lucifer himself in order to find an antique bookstore.That's what I call dedication,bi*ch! (you are not a bi*ch,I am sorry,I take back my words,my brain's covered in ice,send help)

This evening was the closest my life has ever gotten to a romantic comedy: a ton of gorgeous books,beautiful people,a granted wish (found mom the perfect novel for her Christmas gift),seasonal music and a good bargain.After all these blessings,even the snow started to grow on me!

Say what you will,but Panic! at the Disco understands me.And,on a golden (and cold) December evening,it goes marvelously with a bowl of cereal!

...this is when I usually start panicking about tomorrow,about next year,about forever,when my cheer-induced high wears off.But who cares anymore?I came home today with A BAG FULL OF BOOKS,do you comprehend my words?Considering I've started dancing in the store,you can probably deduce it's a big thing for me.

It's really frustrating to see people leaving in the middle of the week,more so when you just know you'll end up stuck here until Friday afternoon.Great...

I'd rather look at this fast growing wall of snow as a natural collection of frozen blossoms sent my a distant spring.I'd much rather do so,indeed...

A good night's sleep and a strong cup of coffee-that's all I need,all I desire for tomorrow.
Today has been truly good to me.Thank you.

A world of my own

If you could only see my mind at any given moment!This troubled sea,a colorful wonderland,my curse and blessing!I'm at its mercy,even though I'm the one in command!Oh,the beautiful irony...

I've said it once and I'll say it again:you can lift me up with a compliment,then knock me down by simply bringing up one of my flaws.Yes,I'm that type of a person.And I'll either shine like a star or flush till my ears start ringing,my eyes get all teary and my conscience crumbles like a burnt cookie.It's something I can't control and,in a way,it makes me who I am...
Because,as bad as the "bad" side gets,so does the good one prevail from time to time.My crown heals and my gaze dares to search for the sun once more.I feel powerful,wise,able to conquer the world-all of this owing to maybe the smallest of gestures.The perks of being more than one person at a time,right?
Today was good.I took on the role of a queen in my head and played it through.Nobody overthrew me,imaginary or not.In a world of my own,I felt infinite.

Remember,imagine,create

Remember to shake off your nightmares before you start the day.To always kiss the yellow coffee cup.To smile when oblivious strangers pass you by on the subway.To commemorate and celebrate those who have lost their lives for a cause,faith,freedom.To cherish a fine book.To forgive,understand,respect.To learn from everything.To call home everyday.To breathe.To dream.To believe.To say a prayer before you go to sleep.

Imagine the person you want to become and shape that person into reality's mold.Your ideal world.A kiss in the rain.A summer adventure with your best friends.The absence of sorrow.White blossoms,the loving sun,an emerald bench.A book with your name in golden letters on the shelf of a library.Infinity.Your soul mate.A beautiful Christmas day.Not having to wake up early.Gorgeous art.Everything.

Create each day of your existence,whether it is bright or dark.From nothing to something.Life.In order to survive,to live,to transcend time.With your body and your mind.Without destroying the past.As if it were your only purpose.Crying,laughing,immersing yourself in your creation.Without regrets.Forever.

Aim high

my pillow's skin bears teeth marks
and invisible lipstick between
shreds of last night's dreams-
feeble mechanism,how your bones
grow weaker with each new
snowfall and week!
the lie I've been telling myself
for so long is wearing thin,
despite strong coffee,blue nails,
even my fleshy peonies...
if only I could keep the ghosts away
for a few more days!
the sound's unbearable
-metal wheels on rusty limbs-
yet unmistakably delightful;
at some point of the torture,
your aggressor becomes your lover...
... and I laugh at my pain,
drowning it in a sea of words
I myself fail to believe;
be wicked,stand tall,aim high,
even if it means lying
to your insecurities
in broad daylight!
as good and evil are intertwined,
so is my soul's carousel ride-
high or low?
what will it be this time?
and...why?

The great "today"

You know what's great about today?It simply is.You can feel it,touch it,smell it,live it to the fullest,whether it is beautiful or not.You think you can change it,but,in reality,it changes you.Balancing both past and future,becoming everything and nothing,that's how the present works.Intimidating,unpredictable,sometimes amazing-fascinating,right?
I've never been much of a "now" person.Caught in yesterday,drawn to tomorrow,rarely cherishing the miracles and flaws sprawled in front of my eyes.It's hard,though.Acknowledging your realness,your frailty and constant weakness,the fact that you exist at this very same moment and that you will cease to exist at one point or another.
I saw "The perks of being a wallflower" today and,having read the book,I can only say that the impact it had on me was more than I could ever fathom into words.Man,"beautifully depressing" doesn't even begin to cover it!Just...wow!
It never ceases to amaze me how purifying and mobilizing art can be.How two hours spent in front of a screen can rearrange the atoms of my soul,of my eyes,of my reality.It never really does...
I need to start saying "I love you!" every day.Kiss the people I care about more often.Admit when I'm hurting and rejoice when the day demands it.Dance like no one's watching,not even myself.Sing till it hurts (even though I suck at it).Write all the time,with ink,with dirt,with blood (if necessary).Smile and live and cry and die.And everything has to be done "today"...every "today"!
I can barely see through my tears.My heart's sad and happy,illuminated,free.It's been quite a ride,though I haven't even moved and inch in a while.My body feels cleansed,as though drenched in the outcome of a cathartic rain.Alive!I'm alive!It's true and it's here...
I should never forget about "today".Never!As sappy as it may sound,it's a gift you don't receive twice.Ever...
I'm going to drink a ton of coffee and randomly hug my family members now.Because I feel empty and complete.And I need to hang on somehow to this emotion.
Today,today,the great today...

Wrong identity

Who am I?Who do I want to become?Do I want to be just one person or a thousand,a million,a billion more?Am I bound to the past,anchored in the present or in love with the future?Boy,oh,boy,am I in for one Hell of a soul-search...

I can't help but wonder what the outcome of my life will be.Long,short,it really doesn't matter.The most important question is whether it will have meaning and substance and a purpose.Or more.Or less...

Truth be told,I don't want to wake up when I'm 50 years old and admit I'm unhappy,then blame it on society,on my family,on myself.On the other hand,my heart hides a spectrum of desires which I know not how to tame.Which one do I grasp and fulfill first?How do I know what mistakes to make and which ones to leave hanging?When will this foggy veil become a blessed light?My,oh,my...
I don't think I can balance just one identity at a time.I just can't!There's this...thing inside of me,a core always on the verge of metamorphosis,blending,twisting,howling,scratching,screaming,transforming into all and nothing at the same time.And I adore my monster,indecisions and all!I really do...But it scares me to death.
Do you know who and what I am right now?An angel with blue wings.A sleepy college student.Boots crushing gray snow.A sly smile on the subway.A frightened little girl.A spirit following a quest for salvation.The person who says "Thank you!" in every shop,train station and on every street corner.An anxious,shy,sometimes overly complicated specimen.A head full of crimson curls,wrapped up in rainbow-like clothes and bright sensations.Eyes glued to a scarlet book.An unknown soldier who weeps on the inside at the sight of home.Greed,lust,happiness and sorrow in flesh and bone.A cat-lover,dream-dweller and imagination-seeker.A mechanism which feeds upon sound,image and feelings.A daughter,a sister,a friend.Something and someone I can rarely believe is true.
This!This is the reason why I find it hard to understand (and swallow) that I have to display only one facade at a time.I'm so much more than this world sees and I want to prove my words,be perfect in everything I do,but...I can't.I know that.I realize and acknowledge it.And it hurts.It hurts to know you will never become the person you have so painfully crafted inside your head to the finest detail.That you will have to settle for half or less of everything in order to make it all work.And so,greatness wallows into the gutter,content with only a morsel of mediocrity.Indecision-why,oh,why?
I want to be a writer.Scribble my thoughts on every page,every wall,every soul of this planet.Become one with ink,tattoo myself upon the white skin of trees,release my overflowing,silent and encaged twin.It's all I know how to be and all I want to be...A good person.A rightful citizen.A singer.A painter.A lover.A mother.I want to be a creator.To make,to craft,to bring to life.Everything at once,like a river woven out of black and white waters from around the world.I want to be...different.Amazing.Important....But there's a long way from "wanting" to "having" and/or "being".So...We'll see how this turns out to be.
I'm here.I'm real.I'm capable and willing.I'm going to make myself. 

Whole lotta words

...and here I stand,with ink-stained
fingers and starry eyes,
holding on to history and hoping
you'd come and say "Hi!"...
but no; the room's a feverish yellow
and these books smell like
there's too much knowledge in the world,
too much lust,
too much passion and fear and careless
hope...
if only my heart would fall
in love with a library
instead of flesh and bone!
if only that body built upon ivory pages
and devilish mechanisms
would recognize an unrequited display
of affection!
if only life weren't so damn
beautiful and complicated...
while I lose myself in a sea
of oblivious letters,you
carry on with your day:
oh,mischievous destiny!
oh,cold December emotions!
oh,gullible,ordinary,silly me!
burning blood,away!away!leave me be!
I'm bound to the written word
and that's all I need...

Bright room

In a weird way,everything adds up.The way I pictured my future is now,though slightly twisted and even more terrifying ,a reflection of my present.

You see,I got my bright and white room.A bed on the left side.The possibility of cuddling up next to a wide window,with a crimson cup of tea in my hands and music pouring through my veins.

It's a process,there's no denying that.A brutal,roller coaster-like process,but I have to tame my emotions somehow.Not to the point of numbness,that's not the solution.But I can't afford being ecstatic in the morning,then miserable by nightfall.

I want to rediscover my passion for reading,my childish attraction towards small miracles,my love for all those things that make life worth living...

I'm sleepy all the time now.Maybe the fear of studying/failing/not being good enough has finally caught up with me-great.It's going to be one ugly winter vacation,that's for sure...

You know what's killing me?The silence.It's something static,strangely dramatic and spiritually draining.Dominant and merciless.My God...

I need to sort this soul out as soon as possible.

P.S. 12.12.2012-you don't see that everyday.

Hit me,snowflake,one more time!

Ziua de azi poate fi catalogata drept ziua "intrebari/descoperiri bizare 101".Vorbesc foarte serios!Parca a descarcat cineva in capul meu o casa de nebuni sub forma unui playlist,asteptand sa vada ce fel de opera semi-psihedelica iese.Don't believe me?Mostra:

• "Cum ar fi sa avem tentacule in loc de dinti?Cred ca ar fi ciudat.Si gelatinos.Foarte gelatinos..."
• "Mi-e groaza sa numar cate scari urc si cobor zilnic-nope,nu pot,nu vreau,n-am s-o fac!"
• "Cel mai cu gauri pulover a trebuit sa-mi iau si eu astazi pe mine!Nici nu a venit gerul Bobotezei afara!Apoi,cum sa nu..."
• "Metroul trebuia facut mai larg si mai prietenos.Clar.Si albastru!"
• "Normal ca ma apuca si pe mine cheful de plimbare prin Bucuresti tocmai in ziua cand lesina termometrul de frig.Cine are nevoi de degete,oricum?Of,sfinte..."
• "Pipaiala din metrou nu reprezinta tocmai idealul meu de intimitate,dar ma impac eu cumva si cu experienta asta..."
• "Maine imi iau masca de sudura-pai,nu se mai poate,frate!Asta e zapada sau bataie cu nisip alb?!?"

Dupa cum vedeti,am avut o zi maxim interesanta.Maxim.

Snowy railroad

mi-as scoate cosmarurile din cap cu clestele
incins si botezat
in mare,ca apoi sa le inec
pe rand,cu voluptate,
in groapa umeda din care ne tragem toti.
a murit o inima cosmica,
sangele a inghetat alb
printre noi,
noi,cei muscati de caini transparenti
si inlantuiti cu vant de glezne;
un chip blajin mai sparge tiparul turcoaz
de rau
din cand in cand,
dar veninul plantat de timpuriu in trup
triumfa si de sub gheata,si din pamant.
iar.iar.iar.
iar smulge din mine animalul acela
metalic si disonant
o bucata,
de parca-mi permit sa ma pierd acum,
de parca mi-am dorit vreodata!
alearga prin intuneric,prin ceasuri,
prin mocirla maculata,
ajungand cu bot satisfacut
in ruginita-i vizuina-
se pare ca mi-au inviat cosmarurile
si m-au urmarit
pana la capat...

Candy,coffee and carved words

"I'd rather have you,cursed or not...",I whisper to a weary bed in the morning,brushing off my shoulders all those eerie nightmares.

Eating candy for breakfast with my brother has reached the top of my "Awesome things to do" list.The rainbow now lives inside of me,but I'm proud to carry this sweet and savory burden.

If given the possibility (both physically and financially),I would drink my entire body weight in coffee.I am not even remotely kidding,that's how much I love that black drug!Do I have a problem?No?OK.Yes?Please,don't solve it!I like my issue as it is: delightful and damaging.

I can't write properly today.As crippling and crazy as it may seem,I just...can't.My left wrist is a sunken wreck beside me,while my right hand refuses to conjure any helpful muse.That being said,I have to comply and baptize my words as "ordinary".

Though spending Sunday night at home is a treat in itself,there's no denying that this part of the week will always remain among my least favorite time-sensations,soul-definers and imagination-crushers.

The wind's howling on the rooftop,the TV is showing reruns,I'm kinda losing it-when I said "I'm my own worst enemy",I sure as Hell was not kidding...

Wishing

Considering I've wasted my entire day watching TV shows and drinking delicious coffee,I think it's only natural I unravel my Christmas list early.So,dear Santa,here's what you have to keep in mind for poor old me this year:

• a TARDIS
• my very own Grumpy Cat
• an infinite supply of coffee and tea
• self-confidence
• better writing skills
• a purpose in life and the power to fulfill it
• the ability to eat without gaining weight
• good grades and,better yet,good knowledge
• the chance to see my cherished seaside in the middle of summer
• love
• season 3 of "Sherlock"
• closure
• an abundance of marvelous art
• something unexpected (in a positive way)
• roses,honey,warm kisses
• an improved version of myself
• playful,sassy and caring pets
• no more nightmares (I mean it!)
• most importantly,a healthy and happy family,with whom to spend all my moments

Thank you,Santa.I appreciate it.I really do.

"Girlish train"

Friday morning is the most tiresome and exhilarating experience of the week,to be honest.

For some peculiar reason,I always end up wearing oversized sweaters when I'm feeling warm and fuzzy.Silly,isn't it?

I only like the subway when it's putting me on the right track,that being the one towards home.

I could get used to this,you know.The blue train I eagerly await all week long,carrying myself and my darling girls,while we chat and gossip and laugh our troubles away.It makes the trip seem shorter and it reminds me of so many wonderful times we have spent together.I missed being a girly girl once in a while...

Coming here isn't good for my figure,but it does wonders for my confidence and happiness,though.Fair trade.

Of course I didn't get my presents on time: St.Nicholas didn't have my new address!Luckily for me,the old one's the same.Problem solved!

Nothing screams perfection like a bed full of cats,bright tangerines and a 10 p.m. cup of coffee-at least,my kind of perfection.

...if only I could exorcise these stupid thoughts of death and perdition out of my head-preferably,without the aid of tears.

Burdened eyelids

I should know better than sleeping only a few hours before an exhausting day.Apparently,I don't,because I almost headbutted a few flat surfaces this morning in my search for blessed unconsciousness.To be or not to be me-that is not the question anymore...

Even though I bitch and whine about this place all the time,I do have to admit I've met some very interesting and lovely people here.Mostly girls.Girls are awesome.

I deserve answers.Complete and meaningful words.Full sentences.Anything that would make me see I'm not completely stupid.Or,maybe,that I am.Anyhow,some light on the matter would be great.Terrific,actually.

Who needs a well-deserved rest when you can wonder through a busy supermarket,buying chocolate for the ones you love and humming addictive tunes?Not me,that's for sure...

I will forever worry about basically everything,there's no denying that.Might as well enjoy the crazy-drenched ride...

Paradox: being so tired that you become hyperactive.Try explaining that!

Now,if you'll excuse me,I have a date with a bed and a pillow...

P.S. St.Nicholas' day wasn't all that bad after all.

Rainy afternoon

You know what sucks lollipops?Having to do something really important,stalling the process (like the t**t that you are) and then freaking out about it.I can't even...

English,thou art a heartless language!And this is coming from someone who loves you unconditionally!Ugh,what is my life?!

Things are inherently good when you can sing Florence and the Machine in your underwear,while eating cereal and dancing around the room like a lunatic.They really are,though.

I never thought I'd be reading on the subway,smiling for unaware and pretty strangers,inventing stories far beyond my reach and wit.The future's a wonder,that's for sure!

You can build me up with one single word,yet you can crumble my empire with far less-fair?I think not.But I wouldn't have it any other way...

I realize when I'm being silly,but sometimes you just have to let go,become an enthusiastic 5-year old,point at things and laugh like crazy.Keeps you sane,keeps you healthy.Even happy,I might say...

I only function after 10 p.m. and that's a fact.

"No light,no light/In your bright blue eyes..."

One step at a time

made out of strings and silky ropes,
this body
won't stop until all those steps
are stained with time
and heart and laughter...
I'm leaving ribbons of DNA behind,
fleshy kisses,
ink-covered wounds,
memories that never happened,
emotions woven out of
history's doom...
refusing to yield in
and striving to glue back together
ivory and broken bones-
that's how I spend this winter tale,
among shadows from
another world...
tired,yet content-how seldom
do I see their marriage bloom!
one step at a time,
one aching muscle above
sea level,
one inch of skin bruised
by morals and affliction-
I hate how much I love
punishing myself...

Feelin' good

Life's sometimes good,man!I don't know,it just is...Even though I've slept 4-5 hours tops and I screwed up my coffee this morning and I spent my first class in a cold hallway,reading a red-covered book,it's been nice so far.Flaws and all.

I'm hanging on to small things and it's apparently working.My darling "Captain Jack Sparrow" T-shirt,gorgeous strangers on the subway,enticing stories,tasty food,passionate sounds,the most anticipated phone call of the day and so,so,so much more.My current lifestyle is extremely hectic and tiresome,something I'm not exactly used to,but I have to manage.No,I need to.No lies,no false expectations.Just simple things that match a simple soul.I don't think I'm a pretentious princess,just a little lost girl.OK,that was sappy,feel free to judge me.

But I do enjoy feeling good and there's no shame in that.Considering it's a rather rare experience for me,I think I've earned the right to brag a bit.Yes,it's not the same as back home,but...my heart is where it has to be,you know?Today,I'm at peace with myself and with the world .And it's a wonderful sensation I couldn't cherish more.So thank you.

Life's sometimes good,man...

Chief procrastinator

In conclusion,I'm a lazy ass.That's it.That's all.There's no need for a detailed explanation as to why I can't be productive whatsoever.I just am.Deliberately and wholeheartedly.C'est la vie!C'est la guerre!Alas...

And I start out so damn enthusiastic!I plan to conquer the world and I end up being conquered by its charms.Glorious books,divine coffee,supernatural music,lovely family moments,amazing movies,poetical ecstasy,a good night's sleep and plain old procrastination at its peak.
It's not that I don't want to be useful to the Universe (let's say)-believe me,I do!And I stress out as Hell about it,too!But that wicked demon called "sloth" pulls me down each time,saying "No,Adriana!You shall not prevail this time!".And I'm like "OK."...then BOOM!Shut down.Typical,no?

I gave up trying to understand myself a long time ago.I'm just gonna go with the flow,be it redemption or damnation.To my mind,there's no middle ground.Myself or nobody-ultimate resolution.
"That's all folks!",said miss Nope-Can't-Won't as she went back to doing absolutely nothing.

To begin with,I'm at a loss for words.Oh,well...

My life's tempest

I'm my own worst enemy.I conjure Hell with all my might,crying,cursing and holding God's hand in prayer throughout.Waves rise in my flesh and my mind follows in howling wind- I create myself,only to demand destruction in return.Self-destruction,that is.

Don't get me wrong,the world's not a saint's den: demons walk alongside me and the Devil dwells in each and every one of us.But,while outside curses can be fought,the ones inside are harder to cast away.It's easier to fall and become one with the ground...Insanity's like honey: deliciously tempting and stomach-wrenching when abused of.It's a tie,then: my reflected hatred mixed with the Universe's poison-what a treat...

"I'll open the door to Heaven or Hell"-I wish now not to choose the latter.Maybe because I'm home,maybe because I've had too much coffee,I don't really care-this storm won't end in shipwreck.Not today.

So I bid farewell to my dark spirits and welcome mortal angels.

I'm my best friend when circumstances favor.

"We are such stuff

As dreams are made on..."

W.Shakespeare