"Somewhere I belong"

...in oase mi se-agita un puzzle din ger
si umbre fara capatai,
iar pamantul a devenit o cusca utila-
as vrea sa-mi fie mila de propria neputinta,
dar am un dop in suflet
si ochii-mi sunt din fier.
alerg,alerg,alerg dupa fantome ticaitoare,
dupa rugina miscatoare,
dupa timpul pe care n-am sa-l pot imbutelia
vreodata...
singura fara pata a ramas speranta autumnala,
imbracata in fasii de gri si iubiri din ceata
alba...
Doamne,de ce simt ca n-am astazi
nicio casa?
mi-e frig,mi-e rau,mi-e teama...
un peisaj familiar se transforma in balsam
cand orizontul se imbraca in nuante
de argint-
sunt aici...
in sfarsit,sunt aici.

Inked fangs

...and I'd trade my blood for something holy

to raise this soul from self-inflicted perdition...

I stand for myself.For this raggedy soul I call my own.I stand for every sigh,ever tear,every smile.All that I am is splattered across the Universe in the form of imaginary atoms and DNA-stained lies.I cannot be put in a box,I will not be labeled by small minds and dirty claws.Who are you to tell me fascination is blinding?That my love stands on a foundation made up of dust and ghosts?I refuse.I refuse to consider these hallow ideas as an undeniable truth.Though my being feels like a crumbling machine,I will not give in.Even if I end up summing just a big bag of bones,I will still use each and every one to write down a story that has never been told before,that will never be forgotten-my own...

Laugh if you wish to,you think my spirit cares for such burlesque display of emotion?The Hell I've made up for myself is way worse than your pitiful attempt,I can assure you!It doesn't matter,though.What's mine is mine and only a higher power can take that away from me.Not a stupid remark,not a silly joke,not you.You,blind girl!You,staged society!You,tireless voice that creeps up at the least appropriate moment!I care too much,don't I?I say I don't,but I do.My God in Heaven,I do!I am bound to my peers like a tree to a forest-unique,but the same.A young woman who writes,fears love and rarely speaks her own mind in public-well,mark me down as "obvious stereotype"!I'm tired.I'm hungry.I want to go home.I want to cry.Weep,actually.I want something to make it all better.I want confidence.Power.Hope.I want...too much,apparently.

Worn out soles

I never thought I'd walk down so many roads.In so many pairs of shoes.Alongside so many gentle faces and soft hands.The world can be so terrifyingly big,yet so unmistakably small!You find yourself bumping into familiar images at every corner,not knowing whether to believe in chance or kiss the lips of luck with doubtful lust-what are the odds,anyway?The sun is up,the wind seems like a brush on the cheeks and people are more beautiful than ever.I could fall in love a thousand times a day and never look back with regret!What are a pair of worn out soles and a troubled heart when compared to all these unseen miracles?Almost nothing.Almost...Ah,my dearest friend,how life is complicated and amazing and consuming and damaging and all shades of gorgeous...everything !The flowers on my blouse,the raspberry on your tongue,the books in that library,the minty smoke of the subway,the seemingly never-ending streets,the unknown thoughts of all those mysterious strangers we pass,the echo of our past,the infinity of tomorrow and so many more!I'm drunk!I'm drunk from all this freedom I'm afraid to use!Behold: a bird too scared to leave the cage which it loathes...The gilded cage of my own soul,my own flaws,my own limits...Oh,but I'm tired!Too much personal history for one day,too much to filter and deposit into memory's overflowing drawer...I guess I'm happy.I'm not sad.Or am I?I need sleep.And love.And coffee.And cats.And chocolate.And to be reborn.Dear God...

Tempting trail

I could just give up,you know.Not on the outside,but from within.Become a perfect puppet.I wouldn't care if my dress got dirty from staying on the floor too much,I wouldn't notice my stomach twisting like a wounded animal.Day would match night in a personalized apocalypse.

Who gives a damn,anyway?We're all greedy little monsters,fighting,pushing,clawing our way to the top for a prize called "death".I don't have the energy and strength and passion to even care anymore.Too many eyes,too many mischievous mouths.Take my shoes and stomp my pride.You can't touch me anymore.I am my own worst enemy.

This is an illusion and a flawed one indeed.Why won't my tongue let words come out at the right time?Why do I feel so dispensable?Why,my Lord,just why?!

I could just give up,you know.But I can't.I won't.I'm marching on,I'm marching on.... 

"Paint my spirit gold"

...and cover my body with blessings,
kiss these swollen lips and mend my cracked
dignity!
bury my skin in flowers and steal all the prayers
from Heaven,
give me an angel,a sword and silence,
tell me my purpose has a blooming core!
swear on old blood that I will love
forevermore
and carry me in your scarred arms over
life's flood,
lie with a twisted tongue and command my eyelids
to thrive
in the darkness which night conjures from down below!
be mine and let me belong
to a soul
no more damaged than my own!
emerge from nothingness,save this plagued
world
and paint my spirit gold...

Purple arms

I'm starting to feel like I don't belong anymore.Not here,not there,not anywhere.I feel uneasy and suddenly sad,like I'm about to give up some fleeting blessing I never owned in the first place.

Could I be any more obvious?I guess not.Then again,there's still next week.And the one after.And the one after that...I will pull through this,so help me God!

But I'm nostalgic and panicky and this autumn Sunday sun is making my hair look like it's on fire.

And I guess traveling by train isn't all that bad,especially when you have pleasant company.

Still,I will never forgive myself for bringing (yet again!) so much luggage...Look,my arms have gone all purple!The things I do for comfort and creativity...

Hello,home away from home!I'm back!You look disturbingly familiar all of a sudden...Well,better organize my mess and go to bed: another piece of the present is waiting as "the future" right around the corner...

Blanket cocoon

Run.Just run.Run away from it all.Live through other people's voices.Shield yourself with dreams and blankets.Tell your heart to stand still,stay strong,stand tall.Forget every doubt and cherish every familiar moment.Recover the time you couldn't allow yourself to notice.Count your fingers twice and relish the color blue.Revive a summer image with cold sunbeams and loving cats.Feel your body like the aching shell that it is.Cover your spirit with autumn leaves and daring hopes.Try to fix other's problems.Show kindness and mercy.Lie and say everything is OK.Keep in mind the fact that patience cannot be replaced.Value simplicity.Record your soul through wicked letters and immortal words.See yourself as an imperfect piece of art.Look into night's eyes without fear.Live through your own voice.Run away from it all.Just run.Run.

Coming home...

Sweet baby Jesus,I'm finally home!You know what that means,right?Family,food,cats,a normal bed,all the wonders and sweets I have so dearly been missing back there...And it feels so damn good to be treated like a princess!Tasty coffee,fluffy socks,kind words and lingering smiles,this is what Heaven looks like!I guess some people actually are easier to love when they're away...I guess I'm one of those people...

Anywho,best live in the moment and leave the drama for another time!Why miss out on this precious occasion to thrive in the place where I truly belong?Exactly!So I'm going to leave my luggage be and reclaim the domestic bliss which suits me so well:boring old me!Yes,but happy me.And serene me.And,more importantly,me and the ones I love.

Oh,blessed routine,how I've missed you so!

First in line

I will forever loathe my frightened stomach,puffy lips
and the thought of failure.
I will forever love the morning breeze,the smell of coffee
and my sudden acts of courage.
I will forever strive to accomplish something,never give up
and love wholeheartedly.
I will forever hate myself for not trying,caring too little
and thinking life isn't worth it.
I will forever admire an open heart,a sincere smile
and a mind with a limitless drive.
I will forever cherish time,fleeting memories
and the serene surrender of a spirit.
I will forever embrace my flaws,my tears
and my meaningful black scar.
I will forever acknowledge change,human misery
and the fact that I'm weaker than I seem.
I will forever cry,breathe,dream,imagine
and sing through something above everything.
I will forever be me.

Streets and libraries

Dreaming about tiny,adorable,disturbing flying-moles is a weird way to start the day off.

No,I don't function without coffee.No,my pouty face does not go away with cold water.No,I do not wish to fall in love.

"Leaving early is better than arriving late"-motto.

If I see at least one pretty face a day while I'm here,then things are going to be just dandy.

How am I going to remember all these names?

It's hot like Hell and all I have is a bag full of winter clothes-do you see my problem?

Though doubts are still creeping in,I'm pretty sure I'm going to love this experience-one way or another.

A new friend and some libraries-what could you ask for more?

Food is going to be both my blessing and curse.

I'm having some massive pre-university jitters right now...Paging Dr.Xanax!Paging Dr.Xanax!

Music,prayers,the thought of home-all I need to guide me through this...

Familiar faces and wonky pajamas

It's OK.I'm OK now.I just needed a few days to understand how it all works.In a way,it feels like a seaside holiday:lots of doors opening and closing,familiar faces,the hustle and bustle of a space filled with young hearts and minds.I've even started to wonder:where have all the waves disappeared?

All in all,I think I can cope (though it's too soon to tell for sure).For now,I'm enjoying my "stolen" naps,pretty books,long and wondrous walks around the city(at least the parts that I know) and musical journeys.Not to mention parading around campus in my very "clown meets psychopath" pajamas and baby blue fluffy slippers (feel free to queue "Sexy and I know it",yes).

It's hard,but it's pretty.I guess this is what change really feels like.What life really feels like...Anyway,back to now and all its glory!Geronimo!

Parks and thoughts

Almost sleepless night.Peculiar nightmares.Old memories in new clothes.A fresh start in worn out shoes.Beautiful eyes and shy smiles.A new perspective on the future.Subway tricks.Waves of people.Summer heat in autumn's debut.Spiritual and physical recovery.A gorgeous and most welcomed face from back home.Domestic affairs.Uneasy coffee skills.Restricted panorama.Still awkward silence.Bones too young to be tired.Internal "drama llama".Annoying sun.Magical books and inviting sheets.Girlish preparations.New people.Fascinating streets and serene parks.A poet's blessed dream.Noisy children and shaded architecture.History and laughs.A bench in the middle of somewhere.Fears and fountains.Elegant crowds and breathtaking sights.Anxiety mixed with utter fascination.Exhausted feet.Drained energy.Dry mouth.Almost comfy bed.Goodnight!