Drifting inside

I keep thinking about how I never properly said "Farewell!" to any of the beings that have left me so far.And I know it's silly and selfish,but I guess that's life's way of saying "You never know,you never can know"...I've buried so many loved ones inside me that I sometimes feel like a walking cemetery.It's so hard not to care,but does that brief joy outweigh what seems like a lifetime of ache?I don't have an answer for that.I'm choking on ashes once again...

I'm reading "The Fault in our Stars" probably for the third time now and I'm starting to understand how it feels to be drowning when you're nowhere near water.I know the story by heart,yet I rediscover it time and time again,more painful and raw than before...I didn't cry,though-all I could sense was the world's weight crawling inside my chest and gnawing at my insides.That's how Hazel felt.Augustus too...I don't like the sky tonight.

I'm either insane or the world around me has suddenly grown insensitive.Not to state the obvious,but I care a lot about words and how they are used-I myself don't always know how to solve their puzzle,but I try,I always try.Considering not the things that have been said to me,but how they were said,my mouth is lucky there's no gun laying around here...My brain feels like a sponge that only absorbs vile sentiments and drumming sounds...

The hardest "goodbye!"

Today,I had to say "goodbye!" to one of my dearest friends of over 10 years,my darling dog.

I had to find out on my own because nobody had the guts to tell me he passed away on Friday.
So,I went outside and I saw his kennel drawn to the side and covered,the yard empty and silent,a heap of dirt in one corner of his place.I knew right then,though I wish to God I didn't...
My heart sank and it felt like somebody was trying to make a knot out of my lungs.

He was old and he had a good,loving life,I realize that,but...It hurts.It hurts immensely that he won't be greeting me when I come home from college anymore,that I won't see the look of happiness in his eyes when he noticed I was coming to play with him,that it's going to be so much less noise now.And I'll be damned if I won't cry my eyes and heart out today!

I'm angry.I'm furious,even raging,because I'm tired of seeing how the list of dead outweighs that of the living in my prayers and...it's too much sadness.If this carries on,I only have one wish:that I be next.I can't keep piling up pain of any sorts,it's not worth existing this way...

I will miss him.My beloved dog, with his unstoppable,funny personality and the most ridiculous name I ever chose ("Papurică" or "Papi").My friend,please be waiting for me on the other side-I'll be looking for you!

The hardest "goodbye!" is the last and late one you offer...

Misty glass

I don't care about falling
because we remember Icarus
not for his rising,but for his demise

I don't care about curses
because no pair of evil eyes can damn me
more than I have already done myself

I don't care about losing
because every victory of mine
is like a drop in this burning war of time

I don't care about disgrace
because nothing will ever hurt as much
as looking in the mirror

I don't care about strangers
because it's dark outside
and I'm crying against the window

I don't care about others
because love has never brought
me anything but raw heartache

I don't care about not caring
because I know deep inside
that lie I'm cradling

Concerned heart

I think I might be on crack without my consent.
Explanations: last night,I dreamed I had a new teacher whose face looked like it had been drawn by a 6-year-old child (seriously,that woman looked more angular than Matt Smith!).Then,I had some inappropriate dreams about another teacher (because my life is creepy like that) and,to top it all off,my morning chamomile tea made me dream about dreaming about hallucinating.That made total sense,I can guarantee you of it.
And it sucks immensely because today it was beautiful outside:the sun was brilliant,I could hear ducks by the river,the snow was melting,what a sight to see!
Me?I had to stay in,studying for an exam that's left me clawing at my eyes and sharing a room with Mrs. "Grumpy Pants".Honestly,this week has been "Hell" with a capital "H",I cannot wait to get home tomorrow,cry my soul out and sleep for 12 hours straight!I am so done with everything right now,you cannot even imagine!
"Best" part?My heart is literally aching me right now,accompanied by a nauseous sensation and a crackling back.Oh,what a joy to be me during these times!I should really see a doctor,though...
And the most ironic part of it is that the car parked outside the window has a license plate number ending in "CIL"-yeah,the only way I could be "chill" right now would be to stick my head in the freezer.Oh,wait...
Yes,sarcasm keeps me alive.I'm left with counting down the hours before I can truly say "fuck it!".

"Do I wanna know?"

...what's going through my roommate's mind right now?Not really.I can guess it involves me dying in 1000 horrible ways,so not that pretty actually.Me?I'm sick and tired and fed up with this fucking ridiculous exam and I want to go home to the people who love me.
Yes,it has been a tiresome day:strong coffee,lazy bones,zero willingness to study,"heavy atmosphere",disturbing naps and a whole lot of candy.I keep telling myself it's only for one day more,but it feels like a "glow in the dark" eternity...
It's not a nice feeling,being hated.Because it does come through as hatred ,in all its "sighing" and "angry gestures" and "blaming eyes" glory.But I have my pride and I know I'm at least in part right.I could have handled this more diplomatically,but that's the price you pay when you don't tell people what's on your mind at the right time and place-instead of a little shake,you get a goddamn earthquake!
But I'm good,I'm fine,I'm fresh now-I cried a little earlier to let it all go a bit,it's cool now.I just have to survive tomorrow and pray that some common sense gets smacked into this world.If not,I'll have to do it myself.Now that would be a sight to see,wouldn't it?
Focus,Adriana,focus!Drink your homemade lemonade and finish your lovely song and get back to work!You'll be "crawling" back home in no time,just you wait and see...

Tumultuous Universe

I do believe the Universe has a way of "arranging" things somehow,I really do,but today was...surreal.And I don't know if in a good,bad or ambiguous way.

First of all,English exam in the morning-boo!,scary,I know.I think I did alright on the written part and my oral examination went just fine (receiving a "Brilliant!" at the end of it just warmed my heart!).After this,I had some stuff to do with a lovely friend,so we walked (a lot!) and chatted about pets and it was awesome.But,considering my sometimes crappy existence,something had to go haywire.

As I get to my dorm room,I notice a "cleaning action" going on.The silence continues,I put my stuff in order,the deal.It's only that some people show their true colors when they can't use you anymore-and that's the story of how I ended up with my food on the table to go bad because I'm not worth "the favor" anymore.

What should I do now,huh?"Proclaim" my drapes,my tablecloth,my broom and so on?Please,I'm not that low.

What bothers me most is that 1.she did this to do me harm and I can't understand why you would even do that in the first place and 2. I really can't take back all my "college help",which leaves me feeling a bit abused,honestly.See what I mean?!

The Universe is going through some rough times,I presume.Me?I'm fine.I'm always fine because the only way in which someone can harm you is if you let them.I'll "survive" and smile at the end-warm pickles and all!

Bad air

Good news:I'm still alive,that headache hasn't killed me yet (though it's still persisting).Bad news:life still sucks monkey balls.

This silly and obnoxious fight was the last thing I needed before tomorrow's English exam.It's tiresome to handle all that heavy silence and all those meaningful sighs and all that childish display of...I don't know what.This air has become bad and it's smothering me.

I get it-nobody's perfect-but that doesn't mean you can't try and censor yourself,filter things twice...once in a while.I try-I don't know how much I succeed,but I try to bother as little as possible and let the other be.Well,maybe I was too permissive,because I was taken to be a fool,apparently.I'm almost laughing,to be honest!
All I want to do is be home and forget about people entirely-at least about the ones who insist on making my life a living Hell.But I have one last exam on Monday and a book to handle tomorrow and the odds are not in my favor,friends...
Luckily for me,the room was pretty much empty today,so I managed to cram in some information.Though I am tired (I'll go as far as to say I've become mentally and spiritually exhausted),I will not yield.I will stand my ground.
What you are witnessing,dears,is me becoming the bitch I should have been from the start...

Mental Band-Aid

I'm mad.And I'm sad.And I'm shaking,almost crying,hanging on to my last shredded piece of sanity that's in there somewhere,I know it.
Living with a stranger can be hard,I know and understand that.We all have to make compromises so that we don't kill each other,but I think I've entered the twilight zone and I need somebody to get me out of here a.s.a.p.
How in the name of seven hells do you get all bothered by (hold on to you pants) the sound my highlighter makes against the page?Pardon the not so lady-like language,but fuck me sideways,this is ridiculous!I study visually,so I need a big ass rainbow,deal with it!
As you can imagine,this was the spark that ignited my "let me list a couple of things I don't like about your behavior around here".Short brawl,shaking everything,big silence.At least everything is out there-we'll let time decide for the rest.
But I am flabbergasted-I mean...?!?You could just tell me my presence annoys you,but the highlighter thing...Right now,I just might be the human embodiment of "what the actual fuck".
I put up with so much shit,but I don't bring it up because I don't want to cause situations like this one.But no more "nice" me because I can see now it's getting me nowhere.
God,I could use a mental Band-Aid for the splitting headache that's chewing at me right now...

Minty madness

Don't let the title fool you,guys!It was more madness than menthol,I can assure you of that...
Ugh!Why do some mornings have to start with coffee that is hard to swallow?Why do some professors insist on providing you with a headache before handing you the proper exam subjects?And why on Earth does one solved problem turn into two more unanswerable ones?We just don't know.
Actually,I do-it's because living in the shadow of the next crappy thing to happen eventually brings that thing about.I'm mentally tired and pissed off at almost everything-it wouldn't surprise me if I went all "Hulk,smash!" on this situation at this point.
I don't know,man,it's just...All this effort for a grade?It's not about wasted time or (useless) information (though it is about that too...a little).No,it's about the mental torment that you have to go through each damn time.I mean,why should I be questioning my self-worth in this case?Am I less of a human being if I fuck up more or less?Absolutely not-on the contrary!But it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks,isn't it...
Another trip to the "intellectual gallows" awaits tomorrow.I'm running out of both candy and patience,which is pretty awful.And there's an ache inside me that no prolonged nap could cure...
College is like a mental asylum for sane people,don't let anybody tell you otherwise...

...with a twist

You start the day off well,a little early,a little frozen,but you get where you need to be and you do what you are supposed to do.Everything goes (fairly) fine and dandy,until some "little news" basically fucks up your entire evening/night and you can almost feel it in your bones that tomorrow's exam has gone to the dogs.
And it's not even that big of a deal,you know?Totally solvable and clear (with a bit of luck).What bothered me to the point of tears (thank you for existing,chamomile tea!) was how hypocritical and low some people are when you are the one in need,not them.Top that off with others who have no filter to put on what they're saying/doing and have not gone through the dictionary as far as the word "empathy" is concerned and you'll get the picture of my very "special night".
As I was saying to some of my friends- "if I die of a stroke,know that it was because I never had the fucking guts to tell people how fucking awful they really are".Bottling up  feelings isn't good for the heart nor for your teeth.I went from seething rage to silent misery in a matter of a couple of hours and I'm utterly exhausted.
What will I ever do tomorrow?I knew my confidence wouldn't last long,it had to be a twist somewhere.That's bloody karma for you...

Sinking and floating

iti impingi barca sub picioare si te rogi
sa gaseasca un mal

marea te-a iubit mereu,insa tu
te-ai aruncat intr-un ocean
temporal
unde refluxul exista doar in
zgomotoasele amintiri

ti-s ochii plini cu scoici furate
de perle,
iar nisipul miroase a clepsidre
fara nume-
oare Dumnezeu ii mai iubeste pe cei
care i-au manjit chipul
cu alge?

ma scufund,ma ridic,ma trag singura
de umeri si singura ma imping
spre abis
pentru ca vreau,dar nu pot,
desi pot,nedorind

azi m-am inecat de atatea ori in mine
ca ma rog lunii
sa nu mai reinvii

Heaven is...

Heaven is sleeping a solid 10 hours on a mattress that doesn't hate your guts.
Heaven is eating breakfast with the radio on.
Heaven is enjoying your morning coffee with a cat on your lap and an orange beside you.
Heaven is continually napping on your study materials because you want to avoid responsibilities for as long as possible.
Heaven is going outside in the yard and marveling at all the gathered snow.
Heaven is your grandmother still treating you like a child.
Heaven is talking to your friends about silly and memorable things.
Heaven is looking around the room you brought to life somehow.
Heaven is fighting with a lot of fluffy cats.
Heaven is having dinner with your family.
Heaven is realizing you know nothing and being at peace with that.
Heaven is not worrying about having another cup of coffee in the evening.
Heaven is making a cat-pillow for somebody dear to your heart.
Heaven is singing along to Arctic Monkeys and not minding who hears you.
Heaven is your brother telling you dumb jokes.
Heaven is a comfy bed.
Heaven is feeling happy.
Heaven is where you make it.