I don't know

Do you ever feel like just...screaming?Till your lungs collapse,till your voice fades away,till your face turns blue?I just...I just feel like doing so sometimes.Once in a while.Now.
It all seems so vain and pointless that I cannot even compute the reality of it all.Nor do I think I want to! Imagine understanding the feeble nature of our existence with every fiber of your being-I shudder at the mere thought of that foolish pursuit.
But these sort of experiences leave me pondering-how much?How much longer till I snap?What if I won't be able to get back together?What if there won't be anybody to mend me?What if it's all a joke and nobody feels like laughing anymore?
So I escape.How I can and as much as I can.A few minutes,a few hours,a few days at a time.Still,there's always that trigger,that seemingly innocent smirk of the world that says "Tick-tock,there goes the clock...".
I see this shell as being so tired and broken at times that I could just laugh myself to death.You know,faulty wiring...
Other times,I forget about the things that make me sad and a wave of bliss swallows me up-then,I can almost grasp the void howling and churning in the middle of my chest,between my breasts,inside my heart.Again,faulty wiring.
I'm not ungrateful,not even mad.I'm confused because I don't know how to deal with these nameless emotions that always seem to spoil a verging on perfection scenario.
I don't know,I don't know,I don't know.

Wires and fires

Ceea ce este cu adevarat trist la mine...Nu,n-am inceput bine,zici ca sunt un psiholog blazat din secolul trecut.Sunt o fata de 20 de ani,ce naiba!Wow...Am 20 de ani.Mi se pare ca am ramas cu mintea pe la 17-18 si cu inima la 6-7,dar nu despre asta vreau sa vorbesc.
Pe scurt: nu ma inteleg.Trec prin niste stari si niste sentimente si niste...valuri de sange cald atat de bizare si atat de incapatanate incat mi-e si groaza sa incerc sa mi le explic.
Mi-au revenit cosmarurile.Nu am mai ascultat sfatul tatuajului de nu stiu cat timp.Am ajuns sa ma autoanalizez cu acuratetea si cu cinismul unuia care iti aminteste de sarmanii copii din Africa tocmai atunci cand te asezi si tu ca omul la masa.Uneori,nici nu-mi dau seama daca am un inger si un demon pe fiecare umar sau doar doua gheare mari ale diavolului ce de-abia asteapta to fuck me over.
Ma intreb cateodata de ce nu ma iubesc.Sau de ce nu ma iubesc suficient cat sa nu ma torturez sistematic.Nu-i nimic iremediabil in neregula cu mine.De exemplu,n-am fruntea albastra.Ador pisicile si plimbarile lungi pe plaja.Sunt genul de fata care se bucura atunci cand isi cumpara o noua masina de cusut si care de-abia asteapta sa se apuce de (re)facut haine.Ori care ii toarna cafeaua bunicii din ibric in cana si-si pastreaza si ea o portie.
Pentru numele lui Dumnezeu,sunt un om relativ bun!De ce?!De ce nu pot sa ma las sa fiu fericita?De ce?De ce?De ce...
Stau pe un foc ce ma cuprinde de la unghia mare a piciorului drept pana la firul alb vopsit acum in violet din crestetul capului.
Stiu ca n-am nevoie de fiu salvata,insa putin ajutor n-ar strica deloc.

Husky blanket

M-a terminat saptamana asta pe mine.Nu atat de mult fizic-nu,nu,am dormit,am mancat,m-am ocupat sistematic de inlocuirea sangelui din organism cu suficienta cafea si pot sa spun cu mandrie ca sunt cu serialele "la zi".Bine,ultima parte nu prea are legatura cu "fizicul" propriu-zis,dar sa zicem ca merge.Cu "pisicul" (aka "psihicul) mi-a fost mie mai greu.
Vedeti voi,e cam nasol sa sari dintr-un pat de vacanta plin de pisici,lene si casa intr-unul cu alarme,cursuri si responsabilitati.Asa ca ziua de vineri nici ca putea sa soseasca mai devreme!Iar o sa devina singurul meu scop al saptamanii,dar nici ca-mi pasa!
Sa ma stiu in drum spre locul unde mi-e cu adevarat bine.Sa-l vad pe tati in gara,zambitor si "pufos" ( familia Petrescu e solida si mandra,OK?OK.).Sa stau la locul meu la masa.Sa ma plang de viata in camera mea.Sa ma ghemuiesc in patul alor mei,cu patura cea albastra si cu model de trei husky pe ea "aruncata" peste mine,sa radem pana la lacrimi uitandu-ne la "Romanii au talent".
Par lucruri triviale,nu-i asa?Poate ca sunt.Poate ca am ramas un copil mare si dependent,sensibil la toate schimbarile ce m-au intampinat pana acum.La naiba,poate sunt eu prea simpla si sentimentala!Sunt toate scenarii la fel de plauzibile.Dar asta nu inseamna ca ce simt eu nu este adevarat si pur si frumos.
Setea de a te intoarce la radacini.Fervoarea din sange.Calmul unui peisaj familiar.
Eu nu pot sa ma scindez si sa las o bucata "aici" si alta "acolo"-stiu unde apartin,stiu unde mi-e casa.Este viata mult prea scurta si de rahat ca sa-mi fie rusine sa-mi pretuiesc valorile.
Macar de-as avea cuvinte sa explic legatura dintre cap,inima si coltul meu de Paradis disfunctional.
Poate maine.

P.S. Am vazut un baiat ataaat de frumos astazi in metrou-inca nu mi-am revenit.Nici nu cred ca o sa-mi revin vreodata.Clar-exista Dumnezeu si creatia Lui e MI-NU-NA-TA!

Itchy bones

my roots are on fire and I desire
to escape,to collapse,to relapse
into that state of being
with no name
and no melancholia...
itchy bones,
crawling skin,
bloody meat-
to S C R E A M from the top of my lungs
that I don't belong,
I don't belong here!
how I long to fall
into somebody else's arms
for once...
I keep clutching to these lies
day by day,
empty hour by hour,
if only to soothe a soul
sunk into perdition
and damned to love
a feeble monster...
lost space and void time-
blissful youth,how I misspend you!
Lucifer's crackling in the distance
and I'm too numb to prove him
wrong.

Hellish nights and heavenly days

Have you ever seen a puppy squirming and crying because of bad dreams?Well,I'm either turning into a dog or my nightmares have gotten to the point where mental abuse isn't enough-they have to go for the body too!I woke up today...God,I wish there were a word to accurately describe it!Let's say I greeted reality with a short cry,wide open eyes and a pounding heart.It wasn't cute,it wasn't fluffy,it wasn't adorable-it was hellish!You know it's bad when you can't escape your demons,not even while sleeping...

Friends cancel plans,but a good meal can remind you of your sweet home.You never seem to have the right clothes to wear,but a good hair day can make it all better.People always seem to have that one quirk that just pisses you off,but,one deep breath and lovely song later,everything is on the right track once again.I guess things have a way of balancing themselves in the end.Even so,I can't help but wonder whether the last piece of my domino is going to be black or white...

What I don't like about "love" sometimes is that I tend to mistake it for "infatuation".I know I don't love him,but I often find myself all wrapped up in this perfect and highly improbable scenario where...Damn it,why can't we just make it on our own?Life would be so much easier.Love makes you stupid.Love drives you blind.Love sucks till the end of suck.And infatuation is a billion times worse...

Stranger than college

It's the same,yet completely different.
This class reminds me of sunflowers,yet the walls bring back the picture of an imaginary asylum.
Cold piercing through your bones,churning your eyes,scratching your feet.
If patience is actually a virtue,then I'm damned to fall right into the hands of Lucifer himself.
I guess I like sitting in corners because it's a place where I can observe and be seemingly invisible at the same time.
Glimpses of interest drown in a biological state that screams to escape and longs to forget.
Time,thou art a heartless bitch!Too hurried when I need you and painfully slow when speed is of the essence for my mental sanity.
Almost five months of "living" in this city and I have practically never went past my back corner-pathetic,but true.
My hands are blue and my feet are drowsy and my eyes are misty and my mind is elsewhere.
What do you do when it feels like you can no longer bear with it all?
"Home" isn't the word to describe it,but it'll have to do...
No wonder my nightmares are back-it's too much to handle at once...

Blue jeans,black shirt

Peculiar dreams.Rude awakening.Angry sheets.Warm coffee.Purple eyelids.Aimless wandering.Silly worries.New jeans.Old habits.Excited feet.Rainbow clothes.Morning call.Subway routine.Early recollections with a redhead.Not here.Nice people.Cautious perspectives.Same old spot.Smothered words.Baby headache.Sprouting opinions.Crappy grade.Sunken heart.Fleeting comfort.Shadowy queue.Bluish look.Food for the body and food for thought.Distant worlds from behind a screen.Tiresome memories.Chapped red nails.Words as a means of escaping.Stupid explanations.Black chair.Blunt bones.Unjustified fears.The need for a smoke.The unknown future of tomorrow.Damaging routine.Dead bugs on the hallway.Wanting to go home.Lack of love.Running hours.Night call.Coffee as a form of oblivion and relief.Nothing to think about,nothing to say.Music to make the heart weep.Dry eyes.Fuchsia bathrobe.Hot redemption.Tingling skin.Numb memories.Blank stare.Unfiltered emotions.Confused everything.Bed crumbs.Flat pillows.Void prayers.Troubled head.

Uncomfortably numb

Do you ever get the feeling there's no use in even getting out of bed?That,no matter what you do,something is bound to go wrong?That you just suck at living?Because I do and this is one of those days.
Going back to the college routine and leaving my home routine and adopting the plain "what-the-Hell-is-wrong-with-me" routine just isn't my cup of tea right now.After a lovely week,how do you expect me to willingly do this horrible thing?It's the same as asking a fish to skip a few million years of evolution and climb a freaking tree.Yes,this is an Internet reference thing,I am aware of that,I don't care,let me have my fish and tree analogy!
I feel numb.Like physically unable to agree with this situation and ready to clutch to whatever I have to in order not to...start over again.
I want summer.Actually,I want last summer.God,these are some words I never thought I'd say-EVER!But it's true and honest and please spare me the misery of it all!
I'm a child,I know,I agree.And that's what I'm always going to be-a child thriving on glimpses of happiness,on memories,on empirical recollections found at the bottom of a coffee cup and in homemade food.
I'm so ready to throw a tantrum scene right now that it's not even funny!Good God,I'm so silly sometimes!If only I could sleep and wake up happy,to a scenario where I didn't have to fear my own role...

Walking and walking

you've seen me once,you've seen my all-
silly eyes,dirty boots,the way in which
I nibble my lips and awkwardly sway
my hips-a patched up work of art
that catches your eyes,but seldom
your heart.

I like to walk-it's so simple,yet
so raw-one foot in front
of the other,a miracle in the making,
a way to get lost in thought,
to simply get lost...

there's days when I have to count
to 10 in order for my feet
to obey and my heart
to slow down and my mind
to stop projecting funerals and
pain and plain loneliness on
a white screen behind my
eyelids-
it's OK,it's OK,it's all OK...
it's OK to not get what you want,
like a dress or a kiss or a life
alike something that would've
come from Van Gogh's hands.

you've seen me once,you've seen my all-
hazel stare,bluish hands,the way in which
I struggle with my mind and painfully smother
my thoughts-a peculiar little creature
that you might like,but fail
to understand.

One more cup of coffee...

as I slide between these sheets,
my skin turns to ivory scales
and my mind craves summer
like a conscious lizard
trapped inside winter's labyrinth-
one more cup of coffee to get
me through the day...
to do,to help,to lie
that you can be Superwoman,
even though your flesh
is melting under your eyes-
one more cup of coffee to soothe
this frail body,this absent mind...
I'll bite my tongue
and I'll say I'm wrong
because I know how this peculiar,
demonic world works-
one more cup of coffee to show me
we can all get along...
as I build a nest
of warm blankets and lies,
my body finds comfort
and my spirit runs wild-
one more cup of coffee before we glide
into the night...

Valentine's prey

I don't get it,man.Why bash on somebody else's love just because you're single or miserable or both?It doesn't seem fair,it really doesn't.

I agree,the day has become a weapon of consumerism propaganda and false emotion,wrapped up in a box,stapled to a fuzzy teddy bear and exported all around the world,but...

But it's also about remembering we all have a heart and it couldn't hurt anybody if we'd use it more often.Showing your true feelings,saying "I love you!"-it's hard as Hell,believe me,I'm the first to jump in that bandwagon!

I also understand that time is this unpredictable thing and that it is a lot useful to show our love,rather than simply declare it.How?By becoming kinder,calmer,better.True,words help sometimes-but doesn't action speak louder than words?I would presume so.

I didn't get roses or candy or a kiss today-even so,I'm grand.And I'm also happy for those who had the sappiest,most stereotypical Valentine's Day ever.This world needs love and,in the end,it doesn't matter in which shape or form it comes.

So,make the moment count,share a cookie with somebody lovely and smile!You deserve it!

Catching up

Mi-era dor de asta.Mi-era dor sa dorm mult,sa mananc mult (si bine!),sa ma bucur de atatea lucruri frumoase fara sa ma simt vinovata.
Am pierdut prea mult timp crezand ca placerea personala reduce productivitatea sau ca "lucrurile mici" le submineaza pe cele "mari".De unde,era pe dos!Cum sa fiu eu cea mai buna varianta a mea daca nu invat?Si nu ma refer doar la carti aici,ci la toate formele de arta,viata,creatie.
Am inteles cum sa observ dintr-un serial.Mi-am insusit un buchet de culori dintr-un tablou.Am plans viata si moartea pe o melodie data la maxim.Dar am trait in egala masura cu bocancii plini de noroi si plamanii captusiti cu ger.
Absorb cata informatie pot,in toate modurile posibile.Mi-e drag sa ma stiu in fata laptopului,cu o cana de cafea fierbinte in mana si cu mintea in alte lumi.Mi-e drag sa umblu cu rost,chiar si atunci cand pare ca ratacesc.Mi-e drag sa fiu activa in trup si suflet-concomitent,pe rand,nu conteaza!Conteaza faptul ca nimic nu e in zadar.
Asa ca o sa profit de vacanta asta sa ma pun la curent cu lumea,fie ca e vorba de cea din spatele unui ecran,fie de cea mai reala decat realitatea.