Looking back

Chiar daca nu-mi vine sa cred,a mai trecut un an.Asa imi spune calendarul plin de x-uri,asa urla toate televizoarele,asa o fi.Tot nu sunt convinsa,dar fie...

Se obisnuieste sa se faca un fel de inventar acum,in ultima zi,nu?Hai sa fim si noi in randul lumii,atunci...Ca doar acu' ne sare 2013 in brate si noi n-am numarat pe degete ce-a insemnat 2012!Eee...

Am vrut multe,am realizat multe,am ramas cu multe pe lista cu "de facut".De la primul tatuaj pana la primul an de facultate.De la emotiile bacalaureatului pana la incertitudinea inerenta mutarii intr-un alt oras.De la pierderea unei persoane dragi pana la construirea pas cu pas a persoanei care sunt astazi.Vreau sa cred ca am evoluat si ca faptele cu plus mi le-au compensat pe cele cu minus.Oricat de siropos ar suna,sper ca am devenit un om...mai bun.

N-am prea mare succes cu vorbele in seara asta,pare-mi-se mie!Sincer,nu cred ca este neaparat nevoie.De ce?Pentru ca...

...pentru ca vorbele sunt de prisos.Am scris (slava Domnului!) tot timpul si arhiva aceea frumos ingrasata din dreapta este cu mult mai indreptatita decat mine sa spuna ce si cum a fost anul pentru subsemnata.
Voi aveti petreceri de incins si eu va tin de vorba!Fugiti,fugiti!Pe mine ma cheama suav un pahar singuratic de vin alb,asa ca va foarte inteleg...
Per total,a fost un an extraordinar.Bune,rele,zilele mi-au apartinut si le-am impartasit cu Universul de fiecare data.Am incercat sa ma depasesc mereu si,uneori,mi-a si iesit.Chiar daca sunt eu o fiinta "tristuta" ( asa mi s-a spus),nu putine au fost clipele in care am zambit cu gura pana la urechi si am ras din toata inima.In lumea mea mica si speciala,am fost fericita si suparata si tot ce se gaseste intre ele.Nu regret absolut nimic,facut sau nu-deoarece n-are niciun rost sa incep un nou capitol cu mainile manjite de cerneala celui din urma.
Acestea fiind spuse,vreau sa va urez voua,dragilor mei prieteni si cititori mult rabdatori,un an nou asa cum va doriti,pace si numai lucruri frumoase.Le meritati din plin,credeti-ma pe cuvant!
Gata,hai,plecati de-aici la party,party!Eu ma duc sa-l intampin pe domnul 2013 cu fratele Bachus.

Heavy books and stupid knees

It's funny how you can just walk from a house full of joy to a cemetery and not even flinch.

I sometimes feel like I'm swimming,not walking,through this winter air-this is when my lungs plummet into my stomach and my lips crack and my body refuses to acknowledge certain pain.

Though there's no time to be wasted,family comes first and college second.

As much as I love reading,there will always be books that make you just want to poke out your eyes and quit.Yes,I'm currently in a battle with such a reading material.May God have mercy on my soul.

Thank Heavens for coffee and cats and the silly lie that everything will (eventually) be alright.

Believe it or not,I think my kitchen understands me spiritually.That's why I feel most at home there.That and the fact that I'm closest to the fridge.Priorities.

Everything would be generally fine if only my knees were to cooperate and stop hurting like Hell.My alternative is walking on my hands,but it's too late for that,isn't it?

Music makes the world go round,reality sweeter and the bed a lot softer.

Girls gone viral

If I could,I'd never leave my warm and protective bed-seriously,though.Coffee's always better when daddy's the one making it.I'm starting to regret going to college and voluntarily agreeing to read my life's worth in books that I don't feel particularly fond of-especially on my freaking vacation!My cats have grown fluffy and big and most whiny while I've been away.I should have been born a mermaid-that's how much I love water.It's so damn hard when you have something to do,but your entire being just goes against that necessity and tries to shut down-trust me.Communication issues-guess who has them?(*points at self*). I can't believe so much time has passed and we're reliving this moment and I love you to bits,girls!Because what's the point of having friends if you don't have sleepovers where you get to eat tons of candy,watch movies,stalk Youtubers,gossip and laugh till the morning?Either my bones are made of the most painful material in the world,or I have been dropped one too many times on the head when I was little.Nothing can compare with the feeling of belonging and friendship and love.Oh,and that candy tasted really Irish,by the way!

"My head is an animal"

A white moth crushing night's darkness.
A bat feeding off lingering nightmares.
A sloth in charge of my limbs in the morning.
A cat purring beside a dirty cup of coffee.
An elephant sitting on my weary eyelids.
A mouse working its way through a tiresome book,through my misspent youth,through borrowed hours.
A spider ceaselessly playing with my blue fingers.
A dog barking at my silly fantasies.
A butterfly bringing back past's glory into view.
An owl making my heart cry with despair and my faith to crumble into nothing.
An eagle soaring and taking my fearless spirit with it.
A lion roaring at my exhausted spine.
A turtle with a big smile on its face and one for me too.
A fox staring with a confused expression at aged pages and words fit for an older mind.
A wolf conjuring a most frightening moon.
A shark swimming around a freezing sphere.
A peacock pointing out flaws I never knew I had.
A fluffy llama's back for a bed.
A sparrow singing a loving song into my ears.

I'm tired and scared and my head is a mess.

Honey day

Endless summer mornings.Your soul mate bringing you a steaming cup of coffee when the bed's grasp becomes unbreakable.Tingling senses and a rush of colors through your veins.Books scattered around the house of your dreams,between brushes and midnight paintings.The roar of the sea coming like a natural poem through an open window.Peace of mind and the sweet insanity of a writer.Love,lust,leisure.An excited dog to greet you every single day.Living,breathing,heartbreaking art wherever and whenever you go.Good food and good lovers.Music that makes you want to burst out of your skin and weep and fall to your knees in ecstatic surrender.A healthy and happy family.Dreams that can no longer be dreams-because they have become true.An Italian friend to cook for you on demand.The chance to see the world and change it.Knowledge,wisdom,infinite inspiration.Sunset-drenched kisses.A cherry orchard all of your own.Purple walls,teal hydrangeas,lavender eyes.To surpass your idols.Pretty orchids and memorable adventures and an abundance of written words.Another 20 years of bliss and 20 more and 20 more ...I wish you all of this and more because I love you more than my silly words could ever encompass.

 A.

Christmas joy-part 2

I shouldn't be staying up so late-though it's not my fault I have a bucketful of books to read,zero willingness to read them and that the TV is slowly luring me into its world.
"You will never take me alive!",I cry as my mother rushes me to get out of bed at 9 a.m.;needless to say,that didn't work,neither did my grumpy face.It's sad ,but it's true-I'm growing old.And pathetic.
Truth be told,I don't even know why I complain so much-it's a freaking awesome holiday,I get to travel and see my relatives,I'm spending time with my family,friends,cats...I mean,why do I even open my mouth?That's a mystery to myself and the world.
To put it the old fashioned Romanian way,today I ate my way through the hours "in deplasare".Honest to God,pinch me with a needle right now and I'll burst!Even so,I regret nothing- 'cause nobody cooks like grandma&co.Nobody!My full tummy can testify to that.
There's something so marvelous and thrilling about a desolate winter scenery-the vastness,the silence,the whiteness!I've never seen a more human sunset up until this evening.
...and what better way to end the day than by singing?Or listening to other sing.Or both.

Christmas joy

Because my brother is an impatient little duck,we ended up opening our presents at 12 a.m.(instead of doing so on Christmas morning)-needles to say,I stayed up till an ungodly hour,eating chocolate and admiring my heavenly (black&gold) copy of "Wuthering Heights".Santa knows me all too well,apparently...

I swear,I do try to wake up when the alarm goes off!It's just that my muscles have this weird,reversed "Pavlov's dog" reaction and I can't physically get myself out from beneath the covers for,let's say,another hour.Though I just know I'm going to soon regret my lazy mornings,they feel too good to be denied.

To sum up this wonderful Christmas day:food,coffee,bed,blankets,cats,movies,food,music,writing,jokes,gifts,food,more coffee,DOCTOR FREAKING WHO,insane amounts of food,lovely friends,darling books,TV,FOOD.Pretty awesome time of the year,wouldn't you agree?The fact that I look like a giant ball stuffed inside a sweater stands proof of that.

Not to spoil anything,but I think this might be our first family holiday that didn't involve screaming and shouting at each other.And I'm truly grateful for it.

Hope you all had a beautiful day!Now,if you'll excuse me,I'm going to move all of my possessions into the kitchen because FOOD.Ho-ho-ho! 

Hit the road,darling!

...and the world's just one
big road,
with yellow lanterns and teal fireflies
guiding us back home;
...and I refuse to let my feet
give in,
bruised,battered,even bleeding
from the rocks which life throws
at them,
be it dawn,dusk or in between.
...and there's no such thing
as destiny,
only bare soles and willing hearts-
as long as there's dirt on the ground,
I'll be fine
and with a pen stuck
to my right hand!
...and I'll roam
these winding paths
through sizzling heat and damaged cold,
only to find my own
image
reflected at the end
of it all!
...and the world's just one
small piece
of what was,is,could become...

Lazy blankets and tired pens

masa din bucatarie mi-e prietena
atunci cand pixul
plange cu lacrimi albastre,
iar aburul usor marin ma-nvaluie
precum coada unei sirene
cu solzi din musama;
patul ca un crater visiniu
inghite
orice urma de iubire pentru litera impovarata
-vai mie!-
si lasa in urma doar cruste
din paturi bleu si bej;
podeaua din lemn desenat
cu pipeta
imi zgarie oasele si ma face sa urlu-
hartia se desface fals,n-am cum s-o dezbrac
si s-o invinetesc
surazand cu vorbe de sange si duh;
genunchii imi scartaie
cu fiecare ticait auriu al organului plastic,
iar ochii se scurg printre gratelele
de rimel-
nu pot! nu pot! nu pot!
muza mea e moarta si zace
intr-un colt uitat de Univers!
voi saruta din nou cuvantul
doar atunci cand se va fi descoperit
remediul
pentru un suflet uitat in camara.

Simply amazing

Bones aching from those long hours of sleep.Anonymous dreams that just won't let go of a wrinkled pillow.Unwilling hands and rusty joints.An overflowing breakfast,hypnotizing coffee,a chat I've forgotten how to love.Frozen streets,heavy boots,familiar strangers.An eerie and dark holiday cheer spreading through town.Small,yet meaningful gifts.Screaming,shouting,pacing around pieces of wood-some family members just don't click,I'll give you that.A blue hat for a grumpy baby brother.More coffee-because of reasons I no longer feel the need to explain.Finally getting round to watching "The Amazing Spider-Man" and,gosh,the title says it all!I will officially be 20 years of age in a month's time-send help!It feels right: here,in my bed,wrapped up in these fluffy blankets,with cats purring and music flowing through my brain-I'm not lonely,my happiness is just different from yours.I'm grateful for the mindless buzz of an open TV,for cozy socks,for who I came to be today.The bruises on my right palm are starting to heal-silly luggage!Dreams will always be diamonds embedded into my shadow.

Last train home

...also known as "How I spent the Apocalypse"

Am adormit pe la mijlocul noptii,dat fiind ca haita caminului s-a decis sa "puna in scena" profetiile mayase,la fel cum au facut si unii din nesimtitii mei colegi de parter.
Ultima cafea facuta la fierbator-nu pot sa spun ca-mi pare foarte rau de asta...
Singurii fraieri din toata facultatea...sau nu?Oricum,e oribil sa te plimbi pe scari cu bagajul de o tona,in conditiile in care bate vantul (literalmente) pe toate coridoarele.Old habits die hard,one might say.
O gara pudrata cu zapada,porumbei curiosi (si hamesiti),trenul mult asteptat,frig,Chaucer,haine colorate,ras,statia perfecta:da,da,DA!
Lenea si oboseala nu mai inseamna absolut nimic atunci cand este vorba de intalnirea cu o prietena buna!Chiar imi era dor de seri ca aceasta,de glumele secrete,de noi toate!
Mi-e si frica sa ma gandesc la cantitatea de mancare ce ma asteapta in vacanta si la rezultatele "maratonului" in sine-oh,well...
Dupa cum se poate vedea,a fost o Apocalipsa foarte placuta anul acesta.Looking forward to the next one.Cheers! 

Bourbon thoughts

I don't need magic as long as I've got coffee,for my sleepy ghosts will always know the power which lies in that yellow mug.

I've never felt so alive,yet so empty-my body vibrates at every touch,while my mind soars towards a whole new different sky.My black drug really does conjure miracles...

It's funny how the brush of a hand can heal unknown wounds,how a smile can breed fleeting happiness,how a pair of eyes can illuminate the most crowded of rooms.

Feeling pretty,feeling smart,feeling needed-oh,how my bourbon thoughts have taken over me...

Crimson bow around my neck and candy-like earrings-is it Christmas yet or do I have to try harder?!

I guess I'm so tired that there's no point in trying to figure it all out: just give me food,music and some poetry,then leave me be.I'm rejoicing in an exhaustion-induced high presently.It's so bad,it's almost good...

Luggage is ready,room is clean,heart is racing-"it's always darkest before the dawn"...

Frozen blossoms

Dearest nightmares,no matter how hard you try,you'll never bring me down.You know why?I'm real,you're not-that's why.

Is it weird that I talk to myself when I shop,check out all the cute boys in the supermarket,wander around for about an hour,then end up buying only candy and milk?Yes,I believe it is.Meh...

I love procrastinating,yet I hate freaking out-do you see my problem?!

I'm starting to get the hang of reading on the subway and still enjoying it-soon,I'll become a prime example of urban/intelligent/sassy acrobat.Yey,me!

I don't particularly enjoy human interaction,but,if it ends up with me spending time in a scented and maze-like library,then ...I'm game!

To paint you a picture,I will literally walk through a blizzard sent by frozen-Lucifer himself in order to find an antique bookstore.That's what I call dedication,bi*ch! (you are not a bi*ch,I am sorry,I take back my words,my brain's covered in ice,send help)

This evening was the closest my life has ever gotten to a romantic comedy: a ton of gorgeous books,beautiful people,a granted wish (found mom the perfect novel for her Christmas gift),seasonal music and a good bargain.After all these blessings,even the snow started to grow on me!

Say what you will,but Panic! at the Disco understands me.And,on a golden (and cold) December evening,it goes marvelously with a bowl of cereal!

...this is when I usually start panicking about tomorrow,about next year,about forever,when my cheer-induced high wears off.But who cares anymore?I came home today with A BAG FULL OF BOOKS,do you comprehend my words?Considering I've started dancing in the store,you can probably deduce it's a big thing for me.

It's really frustrating to see people leaving in the middle of the week,more so when you just know you'll end up stuck here until Friday afternoon.Great...

I'd rather look at this fast growing wall of snow as a natural collection of frozen blossoms sent my a distant spring.I'd much rather do so,indeed...

A good night's sleep and a strong cup of coffee-that's all I need,all I desire for tomorrow.
Today has been truly good to me.Thank you.

A world of my own

If you could only see my mind at any given moment!This troubled sea,a colorful wonderland,my curse and blessing!I'm at its mercy,even though I'm the one in command!Oh,the beautiful irony...

I've said it once and I'll say it again:you can lift me up with a compliment,then knock me down by simply bringing up one of my flaws.Yes,I'm that type of a person.And I'll either shine like a star or flush till my ears start ringing,my eyes get all teary and my conscience crumbles like a burnt cookie.It's something I can't control and,in a way,it makes me who I am...
Because,as bad as the "bad" side gets,so does the good one prevail from time to time.My crown heals and my gaze dares to search for the sun once more.I feel powerful,wise,able to conquer the world-all of this owing to maybe the smallest of gestures.The perks of being more than one person at a time,right?
Today was good.I took on the role of a queen in my head and played it through.Nobody overthrew me,imaginary or not.In a world of my own,I felt infinite.

Remember,imagine,create

Remember to shake off your nightmares before you start the day.To always kiss the yellow coffee cup.To smile when oblivious strangers pass you by on the subway.To commemorate and celebrate those who have lost their lives for a cause,faith,freedom.To cherish a fine book.To forgive,understand,respect.To learn from everything.To call home everyday.To breathe.To dream.To believe.To say a prayer before you go to sleep.

Imagine the person you want to become and shape that person into reality's mold.Your ideal world.A kiss in the rain.A summer adventure with your best friends.The absence of sorrow.White blossoms,the loving sun,an emerald bench.A book with your name in golden letters on the shelf of a library.Infinity.Your soul mate.A beautiful Christmas day.Not having to wake up early.Gorgeous art.Everything.

Create each day of your existence,whether it is bright or dark.From nothing to something.Life.In order to survive,to live,to transcend time.With your body and your mind.Without destroying the past.As if it were your only purpose.Crying,laughing,immersing yourself in your creation.Without regrets.Forever.

Aim high

my pillow's skin bears teeth marks
and invisible lipstick between
shreds of last night's dreams-
feeble mechanism,how your bones
grow weaker with each new
snowfall and week!
the lie I've been telling myself
for so long is wearing thin,
despite strong coffee,blue nails,
even my fleshy peonies...
if only I could keep the ghosts away
for a few more days!
the sound's unbearable
-metal wheels on rusty limbs-
yet unmistakably delightful;
at some point of the torture,
your aggressor becomes your lover...
... and I laugh at my pain,
drowning it in a sea of words
I myself fail to believe;
be wicked,stand tall,aim high,
even if it means lying
to your insecurities
in broad daylight!
as good and evil are intertwined,
so is my soul's carousel ride-
high or low?
what will it be this time?
and...why?

The great "today"

You know what's great about today?It simply is.You can feel it,touch it,smell it,live it to the fullest,whether it is beautiful or not.You think you can change it,but,in reality,it changes you.Balancing both past and future,becoming everything and nothing,that's how the present works.Intimidating,unpredictable,sometimes amazing-fascinating,right?
I've never been much of a "now" person.Caught in yesterday,drawn to tomorrow,rarely cherishing the miracles and flaws sprawled in front of my eyes.It's hard,though.Acknowledging your realness,your frailty and constant weakness,the fact that you exist at this very same moment and that you will cease to exist at one point or another.
I saw "The perks of being a wallflower" today and,having read the book,I can only say that the impact it had on me was more than I could ever fathom into words.Man,"beautifully depressing" doesn't even begin to cover it!Just...wow!
It never ceases to amaze me how purifying and mobilizing art can be.How two hours spent in front of a screen can rearrange the atoms of my soul,of my eyes,of my reality.It never really does...
I need to start saying "I love you!" every day.Kiss the people I care about more often.Admit when I'm hurting and rejoice when the day demands it.Dance like no one's watching,not even myself.Sing till it hurts (even though I suck at it).Write all the time,with ink,with dirt,with blood (if necessary).Smile and live and cry and die.And everything has to be done "today"...every "today"!
I can barely see through my tears.My heart's sad and happy,illuminated,free.It's been quite a ride,though I haven't even moved and inch in a while.My body feels cleansed,as though drenched in the outcome of a cathartic rain.Alive!I'm alive!It's true and it's here...
I should never forget about "today".Never!As sappy as it may sound,it's a gift you don't receive twice.Ever...
I'm going to drink a ton of coffee and randomly hug my family members now.Because I feel empty and complete.And I need to hang on somehow to this emotion.
Today,today,the great today...

Wrong identity

Who am I?Who do I want to become?Do I want to be just one person or a thousand,a million,a billion more?Am I bound to the past,anchored in the present or in love with the future?Boy,oh,boy,am I in for one Hell of a soul-search...

I can't help but wonder what the outcome of my life will be.Long,short,it really doesn't matter.The most important question is whether it will have meaning and substance and a purpose.Or more.Or less...

Truth be told,I don't want to wake up when I'm 50 years old and admit I'm unhappy,then blame it on society,on my family,on myself.On the other hand,my heart hides a spectrum of desires which I know not how to tame.Which one do I grasp and fulfill first?How do I know what mistakes to make and which ones to leave hanging?When will this foggy veil become a blessed light?My,oh,my...
I don't think I can balance just one identity at a time.I just can't!There's this...thing inside of me,a core always on the verge of metamorphosis,blending,twisting,howling,scratching,screaming,transforming into all and nothing at the same time.And I adore my monster,indecisions and all!I really do...But it scares me to death.
Do you know who and what I am right now?An angel with blue wings.A sleepy college student.Boots crushing gray snow.A sly smile on the subway.A frightened little girl.A spirit following a quest for salvation.The person who says "Thank you!" in every shop,train station and on every street corner.An anxious,shy,sometimes overly complicated specimen.A head full of crimson curls,wrapped up in rainbow-like clothes and bright sensations.Eyes glued to a scarlet book.An unknown soldier who weeps on the inside at the sight of home.Greed,lust,happiness and sorrow in flesh and bone.A cat-lover,dream-dweller and imagination-seeker.A mechanism which feeds upon sound,image and feelings.A daughter,a sister,a friend.Something and someone I can rarely believe is true.
This!This is the reason why I find it hard to understand (and swallow) that I have to display only one facade at a time.I'm so much more than this world sees and I want to prove my words,be perfect in everything I do,but...I can't.I know that.I realize and acknowledge it.And it hurts.It hurts to know you will never become the person you have so painfully crafted inside your head to the finest detail.That you will have to settle for half or less of everything in order to make it all work.And so,greatness wallows into the gutter,content with only a morsel of mediocrity.Indecision-why,oh,why?
I want to be a writer.Scribble my thoughts on every page,every wall,every soul of this planet.Become one with ink,tattoo myself upon the white skin of trees,release my overflowing,silent and encaged twin.It's all I know how to be and all I want to be...A good person.A rightful citizen.A singer.A painter.A lover.A mother.I want to be a creator.To make,to craft,to bring to life.Everything at once,like a river woven out of black and white waters from around the world.I want to be...different.Amazing.Important....But there's a long way from "wanting" to "having" and/or "being".So...We'll see how this turns out to be.
I'm here.I'm real.I'm capable and willing.I'm going to make myself. 

Whole lotta words

...and here I stand,with ink-stained
fingers and starry eyes,
holding on to history and hoping
you'd come and say "Hi!"...
but no; the room's a feverish yellow
and these books smell like
there's too much knowledge in the world,
too much lust,
too much passion and fear and careless
hope...
if only my heart would fall
in love with a library
instead of flesh and bone!
if only that body built upon ivory pages
and devilish mechanisms
would recognize an unrequited display
of affection!
if only life weren't so damn
beautiful and complicated...
while I lose myself in a sea
of oblivious letters,you
carry on with your day:
oh,mischievous destiny!
oh,cold December emotions!
oh,gullible,ordinary,silly me!
burning blood,away!away!leave me be!
I'm bound to the written word
and that's all I need...

Bright room

In a weird way,everything adds up.The way I pictured my future is now,though slightly twisted and even more terrifying ,a reflection of my present.

You see,I got my bright and white room.A bed on the left side.The possibility of cuddling up next to a wide window,with a crimson cup of tea in my hands and music pouring through my veins.

It's a process,there's no denying that.A brutal,roller coaster-like process,but I have to tame my emotions somehow.Not to the point of numbness,that's not the solution.But I can't afford being ecstatic in the morning,then miserable by nightfall.

I want to rediscover my passion for reading,my childish attraction towards small miracles,my love for all those things that make life worth living...

I'm sleepy all the time now.Maybe the fear of studying/failing/not being good enough has finally caught up with me-great.It's going to be one ugly winter vacation,that's for sure...

You know what's killing me?The silence.It's something static,strangely dramatic and spiritually draining.Dominant and merciless.My God...

I need to sort this soul out as soon as possible.

P.S. 12.12.2012-you don't see that everyday.

Hit me,snowflake,one more time!

Ziua de azi poate fi catalogata drept ziua "intrebari/descoperiri bizare 101".Vorbesc foarte serios!Parca a descarcat cineva in capul meu o casa de nebuni sub forma unui playlist,asteptand sa vada ce fel de opera semi-psihedelica iese.Don't believe me?Mostra:

• "Cum ar fi sa avem tentacule in loc de dinti?Cred ca ar fi ciudat.Si gelatinos.Foarte gelatinos..."
• "Mi-e groaza sa numar cate scari urc si cobor zilnic-nope,nu pot,nu vreau,n-am s-o fac!"
• "Cel mai cu gauri pulover a trebuit sa-mi iau si eu astazi pe mine!Nici nu a venit gerul Bobotezei afara!Apoi,cum sa nu..."
• "Metroul trebuia facut mai larg si mai prietenos.Clar.Si albastru!"
• "Normal ca ma apuca si pe mine cheful de plimbare prin Bucuresti tocmai in ziua cand lesina termometrul de frig.Cine are nevoi de degete,oricum?Of,sfinte..."
• "Pipaiala din metrou nu reprezinta tocmai idealul meu de intimitate,dar ma impac eu cumva si cu experienta asta..."
• "Maine imi iau masca de sudura-pai,nu se mai poate,frate!Asta e zapada sau bataie cu nisip alb?!?"

Dupa cum vedeti,am avut o zi maxim interesanta.Maxim.

Snowy railroad

mi-as scoate cosmarurile din cap cu clestele
incins si botezat
in mare,ca apoi sa le inec
pe rand,cu voluptate,
in groapa umeda din care ne tragem toti.
a murit o inima cosmica,
sangele a inghetat alb
printre noi,
noi,cei muscati de caini transparenti
si inlantuiti cu vant de glezne;
un chip blajin mai sparge tiparul turcoaz
de rau
din cand in cand,
dar veninul plantat de timpuriu in trup
triumfa si de sub gheata,si din pamant.
iar.iar.iar.
iar smulge din mine animalul acela
metalic si disonant
o bucata,
de parca-mi permit sa ma pierd acum,
de parca mi-am dorit vreodata!
alearga prin intuneric,prin ceasuri,
prin mocirla maculata,
ajungand cu bot satisfacut
in ruginita-i vizuina-
se pare ca mi-au inviat cosmarurile
si m-au urmarit
pana la capat...

Candy,coffee and carved words

"I'd rather have you,cursed or not...",I whisper to a weary bed in the morning,brushing off my shoulders all those eerie nightmares.

Eating candy for breakfast with my brother has reached the top of my "Awesome things to do" list.The rainbow now lives inside of me,but I'm proud to carry this sweet and savory burden.

If given the possibility (both physically and financially),I would drink my entire body weight in coffee.I am not even remotely kidding,that's how much I love that black drug!Do I have a problem?No?OK.Yes?Please,don't solve it!I like my issue as it is: delightful and damaging.

I can't write properly today.As crippling and crazy as it may seem,I just...can't.My left wrist is a sunken wreck beside me,while my right hand refuses to conjure any helpful muse.That being said,I have to comply and baptize my words as "ordinary".

Though spending Sunday night at home is a treat in itself,there's no denying that this part of the week will always remain among my least favorite time-sensations,soul-definers and imagination-crushers.

The wind's howling on the rooftop,the TV is showing reruns,I'm kinda losing it-when I said "I'm my own worst enemy",I sure as Hell was not kidding...

Wishing

Considering I've wasted my entire day watching TV shows and drinking delicious coffee,I think it's only natural I unravel my Christmas list early.So,dear Santa,here's what you have to keep in mind for poor old me this year:

• a TARDIS
• my very own Grumpy Cat
• an infinite supply of coffee and tea
• self-confidence
• better writing skills
• a purpose in life and the power to fulfill it
• the ability to eat without gaining weight
• good grades and,better yet,good knowledge
• the chance to see my cherished seaside in the middle of summer
• love
• season 3 of "Sherlock"
• closure
• an abundance of marvelous art
• something unexpected (in a positive way)
• roses,honey,warm kisses
• an improved version of myself
• playful,sassy and caring pets
• no more nightmares (I mean it!)
• most importantly,a healthy and happy family,with whom to spend all my moments

Thank you,Santa.I appreciate it.I really do.

"Girlish train"

Friday morning is the most tiresome and exhilarating experience of the week,to be honest.

For some peculiar reason,I always end up wearing oversized sweaters when I'm feeling warm and fuzzy.Silly,isn't it?

I only like the subway when it's putting me on the right track,that being the one towards home.

I could get used to this,you know.The blue train I eagerly await all week long,carrying myself and my darling girls,while we chat and gossip and laugh our troubles away.It makes the trip seem shorter and it reminds me of so many wonderful times we have spent together.I missed being a girly girl once in a while...

Coming here isn't good for my figure,but it does wonders for my confidence and happiness,though.Fair trade.

Of course I didn't get my presents on time: St.Nicholas didn't have my new address!Luckily for me,the old one's the same.Problem solved!

Nothing screams perfection like a bed full of cats,bright tangerines and a 10 p.m. cup of coffee-at least,my kind of perfection.

...if only I could exorcise these stupid thoughts of death and perdition out of my head-preferably,without the aid of tears.

Burdened eyelids

I should know better than sleeping only a few hours before an exhausting day.Apparently,I don't,because I almost headbutted a few flat surfaces this morning in my search for blessed unconsciousness.To be or not to be me-that is not the question anymore...

Even though I bitch and whine about this place all the time,I do have to admit I've met some very interesting and lovely people here.Mostly girls.Girls are awesome.

I deserve answers.Complete and meaningful words.Full sentences.Anything that would make me see I'm not completely stupid.Or,maybe,that I am.Anyhow,some light on the matter would be great.Terrific,actually.

Who needs a well-deserved rest when you can wonder through a busy supermarket,buying chocolate for the ones you love and humming addictive tunes?Not me,that's for sure...

I will forever worry about basically everything,there's no denying that.Might as well enjoy the crazy-drenched ride...

Paradox: being so tired that you become hyperactive.Try explaining that!

Now,if you'll excuse me,I have a date with a bed and a pillow...

P.S. St.Nicholas' day wasn't all that bad after all.

Rainy afternoon

You know what sucks lollipops?Having to do something really important,stalling the process (like the t**t that you are) and then freaking out about it.I can't even...

English,thou art a heartless language!And this is coming from someone who loves you unconditionally!Ugh,what is my life?!

Things are inherently good when you can sing Florence and the Machine in your underwear,while eating cereal and dancing around the room like a lunatic.They really are,though.

I never thought I'd be reading on the subway,smiling for unaware and pretty strangers,inventing stories far beyond my reach and wit.The future's a wonder,that's for sure!

You can build me up with one single word,yet you can crumble my empire with far less-fair?I think not.But I wouldn't have it any other way...

I realize when I'm being silly,but sometimes you just have to let go,become an enthusiastic 5-year old,point at things and laugh like crazy.Keeps you sane,keeps you healthy.Even happy,I might say...

I only function after 10 p.m. and that's a fact.

"No light,no light/In your bright blue eyes..."

One step at a time

made out of strings and silky ropes,
this body
won't stop until all those steps
are stained with time
and heart and laughter...
I'm leaving ribbons of DNA behind,
fleshy kisses,
ink-covered wounds,
memories that never happened,
emotions woven out of
history's doom...
refusing to yield in
and striving to glue back together
ivory and broken bones-
that's how I spend this winter tale,
among shadows from
another world...
tired,yet content-how seldom
do I see their marriage bloom!
one step at a time,
one aching muscle above
sea level,
one inch of skin bruised
by morals and affliction-
I hate how much I love
punishing myself...

Feelin' good

Life's sometimes good,man!I don't know,it just is...Even though I've slept 4-5 hours tops and I screwed up my coffee this morning and I spent my first class in a cold hallway,reading a red-covered book,it's been nice so far.Flaws and all.

I'm hanging on to small things and it's apparently working.My darling "Captain Jack Sparrow" T-shirt,gorgeous strangers on the subway,enticing stories,tasty food,passionate sounds,the most anticipated phone call of the day and so,so,so much more.My current lifestyle is extremely hectic and tiresome,something I'm not exactly used to,but I have to manage.No,I need to.No lies,no false expectations.Just simple things that match a simple soul.I don't think I'm a pretentious princess,just a little lost girl.OK,that was sappy,feel free to judge me.

But I do enjoy feeling good and there's no shame in that.Considering it's a rather rare experience for me,I think I've earned the right to brag a bit.Yes,it's not the same as back home,but...my heart is where it has to be,you know?Today,I'm at peace with myself and with the world .And it's a wonderful sensation I couldn't cherish more.So thank you.

Life's sometimes good,man...

Chief procrastinator

In conclusion,I'm a lazy ass.That's it.That's all.There's no need for a detailed explanation as to why I can't be productive whatsoever.I just am.Deliberately and wholeheartedly.C'est la vie!C'est la guerre!Alas...

And I start out so damn enthusiastic!I plan to conquer the world and I end up being conquered by its charms.Glorious books,divine coffee,supernatural music,lovely family moments,amazing movies,poetical ecstasy,a good night's sleep and plain old procrastination at its peak.
It's not that I don't want to be useful to the Universe (let's say)-believe me,I do!And I stress out as Hell about it,too!But that wicked demon called "sloth" pulls me down each time,saying "No,Adriana!You shall not prevail this time!".And I'm like "OK."...then BOOM!Shut down.Typical,no?

I gave up trying to understand myself a long time ago.I'm just gonna go with the flow,be it redemption or damnation.To my mind,there's no middle ground.Myself or nobody-ultimate resolution.
"That's all folks!",said miss Nope-Can't-Won't as she went back to doing absolutely nothing.

To begin with,I'm at a loss for words.Oh,well...

My life's tempest

I'm my own worst enemy.I conjure Hell with all my might,crying,cursing and holding God's hand in prayer throughout.Waves rise in my flesh and my mind follows in howling wind- I create myself,only to demand destruction in return.Self-destruction,that is.

Don't get me wrong,the world's not a saint's den: demons walk alongside me and the Devil dwells in each and every one of us.But,while outside curses can be fought,the ones inside are harder to cast away.It's easier to fall and become one with the ground...Insanity's like honey: deliciously tempting and stomach-wrenching when abused of.It's a tie,then: my reflected hatred mixed with the Universe's poison-what a treat...

"I'll open the door to Heaven or Hell"-I wish now not to choose the latter.Maybe because I'm home,maybe because I've had too much coffee,I don't really care-this storm won't end in shipwreck.Not today.

So I bid farewell to my dark spirits and welcome mortal angels.

I'm my best friend when circumstances favor.

"We are such stuff

As dreams are made on..."

W.Shakespeare

Crimson shadow

I'm not myself today.So I'd rather be somebody else.

A crimson shadow-that was all the night could reveal to those inexistent eyes.The pool was silent,noises and smiles having moved inside for quite a while,into other corners,chairs,beds.What a view from that rooftop!A perfect balance between suicidal allure and modern architectural euphoria.He was loaded,that's for sure!Old and loaded,exactly how she liked them-her friend,that is.

A moment of unnatural sensations.A movement on the chair.The sound of a half-full wine bottle being gently returned to the ground.

Why did she even agree to come here?Parties were obviously not her thing,especially snobbish ones.But she took one for the team,dressed up and harbored the biggest fake smile she could conjure.

"I'll have a few drinks,meet some people and take a cab back home before it's even tomorrow" she figured.

"If only to make her shut up and stop bugging me about how I never go out and all that!We're not made from the same clay,her and I..."

Something happened,though.Between social sways and blurred names,something inside of her being snapped.The dam fell and a flood of thoughts began to rush in.

After the alcohol kicked in and they all got a little tipsy,Marina refrained from joining that sensual joy.She knew better than giving in to champagne's calling or whiskey's lustful touch. 

"I'm not going to hook up with some ancient scarecrow only because I'm horny and they're available!" Marina thought,drowning down some more wine.

Well,"ancient" was a rather harsh word.They were not as old as she would have liked them to be in order to avoid temptations,but the majority of male representatives could have easily portrayed a convincing father-figure.

In fact,one of them had caught her eye earlier before,although she wouldn't admit it to herself: tall,brooding,with short hair and marine eyes.Think James Bond meets Greek god.Of course,Andrew was as rich as they come,as were most of those present.

That "tiny" detail sparkled the interest of many female guests,long legs now trembling and blood-swollen lips moaning the sweetest of lies behind not so thick walls.How the perspective of wealth changes all!

"I agreed to chaperon,not to fuck the first Santa Claus I come across!I'm not that desperate..."

She really didn't judge them-to each his own.She just couldn't bring herself to such a personal defeat,let's say,needs and all.

There were also her unsettled thoughts:how many things can one mind conceive?

Marina felt overwhelmed,panicked and a tad drunk.The tender and fleshy liquid,instead of breeding a fantasy world,only made it worse: everything was clear as broad daylight,vivid,close,scary.Death mixed with life in an unholy union,their children burlesque and dark.The bottle was almost empty now.

"Oh,moon,you are so pretty!How I wish I could kiss you right now!Hold you,feel you,walk barefoot on your luminous craters...Jesus,I'm losing it.No more wine for you,Marina!"

She looked at the bottle,then at the full moon.A shrug followed.

"What the Hell!To you,my lifeless friend!May your holes stay forever large and welcoming!"

The young girl gulped the last remaining liquid bliss,but,having realized what she had said out loud,ended up spitting the drink all over her dress.

"Marina,are you OK?"

"I'm fine,Andrew." Marina managed to utter between laughs.

"You sure?"

Andrew was standing in the threshold,with his white shirt unbuttoned and black suit coat on one shoulder.Dear God,that sly smile!Marina suddenly felt weary,but continued to laugh.

"I'm barefoot...on the moon!" she brightly proclaimed ,bitting her lower lip and begging him with her eyes to come,hold her tight,save her.

A pair of thin arms engulfed Andrew,while the scarlet nails at the end of them tantalizingly grazed his bare chest.

"Come along,darling!"-demanded the arousing voice-"Don't keep me waiting!She's always like this..."

Andrew gave Marina one last look,then disappeared behind the curtains.

The pool was blue and quiet,letting the city's nighttime hustle and bustle take its course.Empty glasses framed that watery structure,while a summery wind completed the scenery.

After a moment's pause,Marina burst once again into laughter.She was clapping,moving her head from side to side,downright cackling,one might say.

Tears started rolling down her cheeks,at first shy and flowing,then thicker,blacker,painful.Laughter had turned into weeping in a mere few seconds,her chest bursting out of its crimson seams from smothered howls.

Her thoughts had melted into palpable emotions,raw and releasing.She was both happy and sad,saved and doomed,Heaven and Hell.

But she would figure herself in words the next morning.Marina now needed to cry and let go.Just let go..

Serenity came as cold as a much needed shower.Mascara-stained and puffy,Marina stood arms crossed,feet apart and smiling on the chair.

She was free: from herself,from the world,from her demons.

Leaving the pair of dark pumps next to the empty wine bottle,she drew near the pool side.Her entire body contracted as she released a loud "I'm barefoot on the moon!", which echoed into the city's very steel heart.

One last wicked smile painted her face.Arms up,head straight,dress obeying the wind's touch-a perfect dive,nonetheless.No sound followed.

Dawn's early fingertips were painting the horizon in orange and teal.A new day had begun.

No more.

I'm thinking about giving up.Seriously.I mean,what's the point to it all?Exactly!There is no point,there is no motivation whatsoever.Why continue here,why carry on with this when I can't find a logical and,more importantly,passionate goal?A waste of money,time and youth,if you ask me.A huge and foolish waste...

I don't know how much more I can hold on.I'm breeding hatred and panic and disgust,vicious emotions reflected in an aching body.What will I do with my life after three,seven,ten years?Huh?Something I now dislike with my entire being?No,I don't want to be that person.That statistic.That five o'clock suicide news.

But what to do?What to fucking do?Lie?Cheat?Drink until I can feel no more?!I don't like it,I don't like it,my God,I despise everything about it at this moment!

Truth be told,I signed my own sentence.I wanted this city,this college,this life."Be careful what you wish for" much?Even so,it's equally relevant that I wouldn't have chosen other ones,similar or not.Not belonging never seemed so wickedly damaging.And personal.And self-inflicted.Son of a...

Anxiety.My actions,my thoughts,everything simply drenched in this one harmless word.I'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that life means death-mine,yours,the world's...Jesus Christ,why?!Why do I even try?My heart...My poor,poor heart,owned by a crippled mind...

I wish this train would only go home and not vice versa.Resume my "boring" life and be happy once again.Serene.Untroubled.You know how I feel now?Haunted.Chased.On the verge of diving from the top of a cliff into nothingness.My brains would look so beautiful sprawled across a white wall...

I'm going home,to my family,my cats,my room,"Cinderella",coffee and undiluted personality.Maybe it'll help clear my head,get a new (and,hopefully,brighter) perspective on life.I need to,otherwise...
I could weep my soul away right now,not knowing whether it would be due to sorrow or joy...
Blue car,take me where I belong!Make it better.Save me from myself...

Marble spine

totul imi merge impotriva,
ca un val chemat inapoi de mare,
departe,departe,din ce in ce mai distant
si prevestitor de noapte...
am marmura intre vertebre
si harpoane intre coaste,
degetele mi se frang albastru,
stau tendoanele sa-mi crape...
m-agat de semne ciudate,
ca si cum salvarea mi-ar sta
in carnea alba a copacului,
nu in fapte si pacate-
delir si resemnare.delir si resemnare.
complotez impotriva-mi cu buna stiinta
si-mi pun otrava pe tron zambind
amar;
promisiuni desarte,draga inima,
si viziuni posedate
de un Iad paradiziac!
am sa devin o statuie
cu ochi si umeri si solduri
din ivorie substanta
inchinata zeului Desertaciune
si zeitei Efemeritate...
mi-e frig,mi-e greata
si mi-e tare teama de moarte...

Lace and stairs

sinful stairs,don't tempt me!
don't make these feet
intertwine
beyond the point of hope and grief!
I can't make angels
out of twigs,
nor can you turn time and distance
into pride...
I cry my soul to sleep
in broad daylight,
among strange faces and weary bodies-
not even lace can save me now,
no dream with bright blue
eyes...
I wonder if dogs can hear what I'm hearing,
this piercing scream in my ears,
all nameless,
all wild,
all mine...
I can't run anymore,but how I long
to hide!
more stairs,more lace,more question marks-
the shadow I've become has a shadow
of its own...
sapphirine stairs,don't mock me!
I feel so damn alone...

Faulty knees

As much as I love spending more time with my folks,waking up at 3:45 a.m. to catch the 5:15 train to Bucharest isn't the most exciting thing to do on a Monday morning.I can guarantee you that!

Needless to say,I arrived hungry,tired and ice cold.Blessed be coffee,for I would not be standing here now,somewhat conscious and deeply troubled.Long story short,life sucks.

I mean it.From the bottom of my heart.And my faulty knees.And my drained soul.I just want to go home,away from this place and the person that it's making me put on display for the sanity of others rather than my own.You want to get your ass kicked?Just tell me I'm "exaggerating",that I'm "overreacting" to stuff-it will be the last thing that you do.Seriously.You have no idea how lost I feel right now,like I'm one step away from being pushed off a cliff into perdition.

I can stand this fuckin' state no more.To Hell with all these silly things,with obligations,with "success",with you all!It isn't worth the trouble,nothing is in this world!I am done.I really am.It feels like I'm decomposing,one bone and one tendon and one chunk of flesh at a time.If only I could just...

I'm starting to hate the subway and its sea-like torment of a motion.College is pretty much up there too,work and chores and endless books included.Don't even get me started on people because this is one of those days when murder is an option,provided the right circumstances and/or alibi.I sound insane,don't I?Maybe because I'm losing it,I don't know.What do you think?Don't answer,it's irrelevant,anyway.I know my hatred towards the majority of things nowadays is starting to show in the way I speak,in my body language,in my withering soul.But I can't command my feelings,neither do I wish to.Not now,not ever.

I'm so sleepy it's actually starting to ache.So I'll call it day.A shitty day,but a day nonetheless.I can only pray for tomorrow to bring more energy and sanity.Otherwise...Well,let's say I'll be even more unpleasant.Imagine that horrific scenario!Oh,God,no!

I just remembered: I ran out of coffee.Shit.

Sweet celebrations

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love a good birthday!Especially when it's not even my own that's being celebrated.The people!The gifts!The food!

Today was my mother's birthday and it couldn't have been more awesome!She loved the gifts we so carefully picked out or made (see my brother's artistic card),we laughed,we ate,we drank good wine and (oh my God,it feels so damn good to say) I stayed home for the entire Sunday.Yes,tomorrow is going to be basically Hell,but who cares?Satan can have the rest of the year if I get to enjoy a few amazing,full days with the ones I so dearly love.It may not seem like much,but this domestic bliss is what keeps me going and what brings me my version of "real happiness".

I'm beyond grateful for my family and moments like this remind me of how fragile and hurried life is.Sometimes I just want to say "No more.",close my house in a time capsule and live forever in an imperfect bliss.But I can't do that (unfortunately).So I settle for lazy mornings,steaming plates,black cups,warm smiles and many other childish miracles.

Me and my brother have a thing now where we bond over movies.So "The Dark Knight" was the perfect excuse for a night of outlandish theories,bad jokes and homemade sweets.And I love how grandma lightens up when she sees the two of us getting along with each other.Why can't all my hours mimic these ones right here?

And did I mention I spent most of last night drooling over the cats&plot&co. of "Skyfall" and eating carrots?I think this is the first movie I saw that was not on TV since I started going to university.Which is a sad and peculiar record."Best time of your life"-yes,sure.And pink pigs fly over my house every single morning.

I don't want to go!Don't make me!Son of a...This is what I get for not listening to my mother.I just had to go to the gilded gates of Nowhere,didn't I?"If only I knew then what I know now" works so perfectly here it's frightening.

But enough with the sorrow."More cake,less whining"-new motto right here!Happy birthday,mother dearest!It was a day to remember.

Wicked

I'm wicked
because I'm a woman,
a black rose
with thorns
instead of thighs
and devilish desires
carved into
my lips,my hands,my eyes.
I'm wicked
by nature
and by man's prophetic
sigh,
for he is the sole to decide
whether I dance
with the angels
or slowly burn on a pyre.
I'm wicked,
though I'm a saint
when circumstances conspire,
I wear the red dress
the same way in which
I cover myself with white's
holly attire.
I'm wicked
because I bow to no one
but my womb
and demand the world
to cherish
both blossom and ooze.
I'm wicked
and my faith's
a crippled string to which
sinners and children and judgments
clutch
without a flinch.
I'm wicked
when I buy a flower,
when I bite my lover's mouth,
when I craft myself
from yesterday's remains
and hopes of a new start.
I'm wicked
because my hair is on fire
and I won't let you
tint this flesh,
this most unreal desire
sprouting inside of a weary head.
I'm wicked
because I'm a woman
and there's nothing more
to be said.

Well fed and happily grounded

Cosmaruri stupide.Cafea cu dulceata de gutui.Metrou sufocant.Minute gri.Jocuri cu rasplata.Tinerete blajina.Cuvinte asemenea unor somnifere tari.Hartii noi cu miros de vechi.Drum batatorit si sec.Fuga fierbinte.Bagaje violet.Ultimele verificari.Chei sonore.Scari grele.Pisica neagra cu suferinta in glas.Gara cea plina.Peronul cel rece.Aglomeratie obositoare.Drum lung,drum scurt.Cuvinte intru datorie si onoare pe caiete mototolite.Gata.Acasa.Totul e bine acum!Masina bleumarin.Camera de chihlimbar.Masa plina.Cafeaua imbracata in aburi si zambete.Ceramica fierbinte.Cocon pufos.Divertisment muzical.Melancolie somnoroasa.Glume fratesti.Pisici grasute si pretentioase.Incheieturi obosite.Pat primitor.Viziunea unui vis savuros.Noapte buna!

Nu sunt nebuna,ma jur!Cum ajung acasa,parca ma reintregesc,mi se contureaza din nou fiinta si totul capata logica.Dispar neclaritatile,iar obiectivul se focalizeaza asupra unui punct atotcuprinzator.Si nu mai am nevoie de nimic altceva.Nu,cu bune,cu rele,aici ma simt cel mai bine.Puteti sa credeti ce vreti.Nu e vorba de timp,acomodare sau incapatanare,ci de identitate.Se pare ca rugaciunile dau rod uneori.

Chocolate dreams

Startling noises.Light steps.Horrible coffee.Warm and thick air.Solitary lips.Subway balancing act.Sickening food.Cryptic faces.Unwilling to cooperate for personal good.Exhausted eyes.Peachy trousers.Vapid imagination.Familiar strangers.Masks upon masks upon masks.Tedious time.White pages.Blue pen.Dull history.Lack of identity.Intimidating figures.Silly hopes.Long braids.Chipped nail polish.Chocolate stains.Undone expectations.Magical stories.Cold hands.Old smoke.Train tickets.Empty streets.Scarce food.Redeeming tattoo.Unspoken thoughts.Freezing shoulders.Gaps upon gaps upon gaps.Stubborn muscles.Glorifying dreams.Steaming water.Red tranquilizer.Peculiar state.Funny hands.Soft pillows.My,oh my...This has been a most unholy day.

I'm trying.I really am.It's just...Not okay.No comfort in small things,no majestic desires,no nothing.Only brief moments of old serenity and oblivion.I understand you're getting tired of hearing me bitch and whine,but this is the truth.And,though others might be fooled by crafted smiles,this is the place where they feel most fake.So bear with me.Or walk away.It doesn't matter.Wow,today actually sucked!As does the majority of my week nowadays.

My soles don't know these roads

Warm sheets don't always breed pretty dreams.Yet one has to brush off night's ghouls and carry on this existence as a functional and caring individual.Or pretend to do so,at least...My soles don't know these roads-this doesn't mean they don't have a story of their own,a tingling perfume,faces to paint and miracles to create.Change doesn't suit me,but routine isn't my thing either!Oh,what a cruel tease!You know,I used to think books and coffee and dreams could safe me for real-now I'm not that sure...It's something else,though.I just need to find out what.Release myself from this wretched flesh and too many vapid thoughts,regain the infinity which I have carved into my left wrist.Acknowledging my achievements won't do the trick.Neither will a "hidden talent".No,I need...I need a lightning strike.A bomb.An anvil crumbling on top of my head to make it all true.I need to learn how to be one person at a time.Winter's coming and there's too much darkness to uncover.Fortunately,my boots are new and ready for...something.A nice something,I hope.Till then,I'll hang on to my green sweater and shred of sanity.Someday,somehow,things will settle down.There will be light.

Disturbed desires

the world inside my head
is expanding like the desires
of a spoiled little child,
swallowing and hurting
reality's feeble seams-
why must I always turn random events
into apocalyptic scenarios?
why can't I enjoy myself
for one damn minute?
why do I let sorrow conquer bliss
and clouds to gather above me?
trembling flesh,crippled perspectives,
disturbed desires-
perfect combination of imperfections,
don't you reckon?
if only I could let go of myself,
of these devilish images that portray Paradise,
of that handsome poison...
it appears I lack conviction
and desirability-
how the seagulls mock me,
how this cold wind whirls...
sleepy,weary,drained,
this is how time flows
over again and again...
the world inside my head
is turning into a cluster of
mischievous nebulae...

Lazy limbs

chapped lips.sweet perfume.hungry eyes.
I'm suddenly a wild creature in the midst
of my own savage desire-
to conquer all,to feed this lusty flesh,
to tame personal beasts with fresh blood.
a bold mouth will get you far; a hungry one
will even make the journey fun.
why am I so keen on believing I'm
the one?
I wouldn't choose myself-flaws or not.
or all.or everything that has to do
with this ivory shell and twisted mind.
yet I cling to ghosts I nurse myself,
monsters fed with love and care,
only to fall from the top of a mountain
built from their corpses and poisonous charms...
silence conquers even words,
don't you agree?well,small things
like this show me my shadow of a being
in all its fleeting glory-
here today,ashes by morning...
my hands are cold.my feet are dry.
this heart won't budge,but so won't
yours-fine!see if I care?because I do
and it's elegantly tearing me apart inside;
tired eyes.purple fingers.livid prayers.
I'm done wishing Prince Charming
would be near...

Boots and loons

drunk poetry

my mouth's tattooed upon these sheets
in drops of red and kisses of a peony;
it's easy to foresee winter when your heart's
as weary and icy as an angered dream-
yet these boots beneath me tell a tale
of unbroken promises
and summery dreams;
I could stay like this till kingdom come,
wrapped in comfort and joy and
now's angelic moans,
all numb with delight and fright
and endless warnings of the clock;
my spine's made out of rocks,
while my hands tremble in the ivory
sunshine-is this the descent into madness
I must witness every seven days?
though I'm a bird,there is a cage
which lawfully and willingly I have agreed
to take as shelter-
if only I knew then the price of my gilded
prison...
there's a circus to be conducted on every lane
and a lunatic to be rescued in every pair of eyes
that strangers carry with themselves
on the subway,through the streets,in myself...
silence,your truth is deafening!
through boots and loons,I carry my own prophecy...

Familiar ground

I now know how it feels like to miss something without even realizing its absence.Minute things shrink and explode into the Universe's shadow,while life flows like a careless river hour by hour,day by day.How long has it been since I last slept until my bones were sore?Since my stomach purred with pleasure like a satisfied feline?Since I roamed the streets without haste,beside my kin,through baby blue haze?Too long,my dear,too long...

Though I left it behind a little while ago,my room still feels mine.And once stereotypical actions remind me of how much of myself I've actually left there: a painting,and old lipstick,dusty posters,those dirty lavender walls,a book under the bed and so many more wonders.This is my manufactured DNA,all broken and damaged and mine,mine,mine.So there's no surprise that reality felt today like a perfectly cut slice of the past,maybe with a bit more wisdom and a little less hope.Even so,my hands carved curls,my body welcomed clothes and I drowned my five lazy senses in red perfume-how lovely it is for all the pieces to fit!

I've missed this!I really have.My girls.My habit of cursing the cold.Gray streets and ginger hounds.Giving presents.Receiving kisses.Frozen hugs,tasty coffee and inside jokes.Friends with passionate red hair.Mesmerizing wine and bedazzling smoke.Our tables,our mouths,our evolved memories on repeat.And,after all this domestic craziness,the halo:serenity as a lazy reward.Who said you shouldn't do the same thing twice in life?What a fool!

If you'd have told me three months ago that this would be my life today,I wouldn't have believed one single word.I would have slapped you,too!It's not Hell bad,but not Paradise good-it just is.I can barely fathom its reality in the current time frame,let alone project it from the past.Not that this would be even possible.Just saying...

I've said it once and I'll say it again: I perceive myself as completely and utterly...incomplete.Yet some special and familiar moments,places,thoughts fill the void with their existence-the world makes sense again.For a few fleeting moments,I'm who I'm supposed to be and everything comes naturally.Only then...

I miss certain people and certain sounds and certain things.But,most of all,I miss a part of me I just know will never be retrieved.It's sad and beautiful and dangerously here.

Son of a beech!

Friday morning just won't budge.The hours pass by like undisturbed sloths,only to make me even more nervous and anxious and bleah! 2:20 p.m. train,thou art a bitch to catch!Though I do love me a bit of exercise and adrenaline,I can't help but notice there's a slight...gap,let's say,between those careless (and generally frustrating) early minutes and their afternoon-ish brothers.Still,nothing can stand in the way of me going home!So,be it rain or haze or infuriating lack of time proportions,I will soldier on through this!For honor and family and...cats!

If you think about it,kisses are really weird.I mean,you literally connect with another person,not only on a physical level,but also on a oh-my-God-what's-happening-this-is-so-whoa! one.It's so damn cool,yet so disgusting (in concept) that it becomes something "beautifully depressing".To my mind,a boy's mouth tastes like cola and cigarettes,wild wolves and raw skin.On the other hand,a girl's lips give the impression of white lace,steaming blood and fiery foxes.So...how could one choose?Not me,I tell you,not me...Life's truly peculiar,man.I wish I could be somebody's first kiss.

Not to brag or anything,but Friday night is basically awesome.My family treats me like a princess (well,sorta),I get to rejoice in the midst of a comforting background and I feel whole again.You have no idea how much I miss so many small things,from my old cup of tea to chores I used to hate doing.Still,I'm grateful for these few moments of "normality" and I look forward to them every week.Did I mention the food and coffee and pampering?I may be a little brat,but at least I'm a happy one.

Modern slave

gheare in urechi si ochi infasati in mii de valuri negre-
incepe maratonul organic,se destrama marginile
unei povesti din ore si fantasme...
roti duale se intrec in minciuni si guri mecanice-
mi se frange carnea-n palme ca o foaie
patata cu aer...
scara mi se topeste sub picioare,alerg intre trecut
si prezent cu o viteza ametitoare,ma tem
pentru urmatorul ceas inert-
ma minte limba,obrajii mi se inrosesc;
dantela nocturna curge de sub coaste,geamana
panzei aruncate peste oras:
sclavi si sclave,alergati!alergati!alergati!
metalul va absoarbe,cuvintele n-au sens,
totul e un labirint din materie si hieroglife
pe un fundal sters!
am obosit,mi-e teama,ma sting...
n-ai venit.
alergam!alergam!alergam!nu ne mai oprim
decat la sfarsit.

Confusing perceptions

Luminous nightmares,damp sheets and swollen lips-some nights are just too much for me.
I felt like a princess this morning,only to become a witch by nightfall-does this mean my confidence depends on the sun's moods?If so,then my self-esteem is doomed...
Wednesday mental breakdowns are becoming a thing now and they're not very pleasant.
Emptiness is hard to describe,yet truly present and damaging and please don't let me sabotage myself!Not now!Just don't...
Telling a pair of lips to utter words and wishing they'd obey-my life in one sentence.
Black streets,cold hands and steaming breaths-WINTER.IS.COMING.
This food is poisonous.This skin is itchy.This bed is evil.Is it all in my head?
Come,tomorrow!Come again!Take me home...and leave me there!
Halfway.

Silly butterflies

some days I dress pretty for boys
and some days I dress pretty for girls-
today I covered my skin for you,I wish you knew
that my hand trembled when I painted my eyes
with purple,thinking you'd notice,that you'd care
about those silly butterflies infesting
my stomach and my toes and my mind...
I'm tired of seeking salvation in beautiful strangers!
still...did you look at me?did you find me worth saving?
did you even see those invisible wings
soaring from my lips?
I don't think you did; it doesn't matter-
"I set my expectations high/
So nothing ever comes out right."
some things aren't meant to be and others
just don't fit the Universe's seams;
I'm going to buy myself roses and sing while
watching the rain and pretend I'm not crazy-
silly,silly,silly things...

That lavender sweater

I keep forgetting that waking up at 6:15 a.m. is a regular thing now.
The more I learn,the less I know.The more I read,the less I understand.My synapse is clearly faulty and the other spare neuron didn't remember to clap encouragingly...Rats!
Dear potential crush-you had to have a girlfriend,didn't you?Son of a...
Seriously,though-I really do want to be productive and successful and make something of myself,but...maybe I'm possessed.By lazy-demons.That didn't come out quite as I had expected.But I won't rephrase.Oh,irony!
The perks of living the moment: a lavender sweater,good coffee,beautiful strangers,lucky guesses and my only sweet-smelling perfume.
Sleep is probably the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.Yes,pretty much.
"Babel,Babel,look at me now!"

Early trip

clutching to cotton like wolves to a steaming carcass-
how night flies when your heart's being flooded
by nightmares!
ah,premature departure,how does this ring
such painful bells...
but time continues to run.hours to soar.roses to die.
my dear,I'm truly empty...these things I use to fill
the void-be them sounds or drops of alcohol-
these are mere fallen angels,borrowed pieces
that fit in all the wrong places;
I'm smiling and I'm dancing and I'm telling lies
in broad daylight,
only to...see that bed?it doesn't feel right.
I'm running from a black wave of unknown perspectives
and I'm about to trip
on my own flawed heels-
I need some pills,maybe another excuse to flee...
so be it.my beasts cannot be tamed:
to live among them or be eaten?
I wish I knew the answer...Alas!
The woods grow darker by the tear.

Conquering Paradise

I thought I knew my bed,but this is a whole new level of rest and comfort!
Coffee and cats-what could one ask for more?
My father will always be "daddy" because he lets me be a little girl even now,when I have to "become" a grown woman.
Linden tea is like a typical Romanian thing for colds,right?Right?Right.
This is the second funeral I've witnessed this week-I swear to God...
Helping my brother do his homework has become a thing I look forward to these days-I know,creepy.
Let's play a little game I like to call "how much food can I fit in my tummy in one night"!
Watching cartoons and eating sweets-yup,life's pretty awesome sometimes!
Who would've thought that my dear sibling enjoys watching movies as much as I do!Yes,folks,"Troy" can really help people bond!
Sweet baby Jesus,I am so tired!I should be working,but...Neah!Those sheets look too inviting.
Adriana-out.

Fluffy socks and cozy thoughts

Somn putin,dar relativ bun.Ultima cafea la fierbator pe saptamana asta.Ger matinal si caldura de metrou.Oameni obositi,intamplari vechi,cuvinte permanente.Emotii in sosete pufoase.Maratonul facultate-camin-gara.Catei frumosi si oameni nepoliticosi.Doua bilete albastre pentru doua locuri albastre intr-un tren albastru.Cerneala pe foi imaculate si sunetul rotilor metalice."Uite lacul!Inca o statie,inca o statie!".Chipuri familiare si orizontul brodat cu argint.Locul meu obisnuit la masa si radioul pornit.Vin fiert si ganduri calde.Povesti despre ieri,despre azi,despre maine.Obiceiuri vechi...in haine vechi!Gesturi pline de emotie si miros de lemn ars.Glume "ca intre frati" si cafea nocturna.Oboseala ce-si lasa atingerea sa alunece.Paturi peste paturi peste paturi.Da,e tare bine acasa.Noapte buna!

Plagued and distraught

my lips are sealed with barely visible wax
and my right side's numb-how do you expect me
to be witty when my insides are hallow?
churning,howling,that's the sound of grief
inside the grasp of tomorrow's food,
all bundled up with thorns and memories
that will never come true...
I conquer a shore,I fall from a cliff-
this is destiny in all its pathetic glory!
merry bliss,why are you mourning?
oh,I see...nothing's what is seems,is it?
my eyes are lost in yesterday's story
and thoughts can't form in the womb
of this barren land-
I'm glad I can't be happy,for I would commit
a sin bigger than myself!
...so I let my monsters embrace me with their silent
claws and await for salvation-
too bad I'm unworthy
and the night's so damn long...

Emerald chest

no,the bed's not crackling,it's just my body
decomposing under the weight of its own sorrow,
cursing and crumbling like a red and white empire...
...and I kiss my knees,let the tears run free
towards the ground-the ground,the ground,
it's always about dirt and that hallow crown...
everything's damned,can you believe that?
from my emerald chest to the faces of so many
hastened strangers- isn't silence enough
of a damaging drug,should I endure
a mask and a kind dagger as well?
so be it-let those eyes engulf me
and the streets enclose me in their gray waves-
I can fight no more.
I refuse to let you hurt me with my own
permission-I'm letting go...
no,the earth's not moving,it's just my soul
imploding under the curse of its own misery...

Vacant body

M-am trezit de cateva ori in noaptea asta,intepata de sudori reci si cu ochii fierbinti: cum?Cum sa-l puna pe el in pamant?Trupul lui,viata lui,ratiunea lui,amintirea lui,lui,lui,lui...Cum?!Cum,Doamne,cum?!

Cafeaua mi-a ars stomacul.Abia am prins masina aia nenorocita,cu mintea incetosata si hainele negre.Coaste,nu cedati,nu-mi faceti asta acum!Nu cred c-am mers vreodata atat de repede de la gara pana acasa.Cata liniste!Cate cuvinte nespuse!Cat avea sa urmeze...

Am rezistat,ce-i drept.Am fost un adevarat soldatel in timpul celor cateva ore ramase de pregatiri.Totul s-a prabusit cu zgomote infernale cand am ajuns la capela...La inceput,n-am putut sa intru: mi s-au inmuiat genunchii,mi s-a comprimat pieptul,mi s-au impotrivit ochii,nu,nu,nu!Dar am intrat.Am vazut.Am inteles.Tot n-am crezut.A murit ceva in mine,ceva irecuperabil si ingrozitor de real.Mi-am facut datoria fara sa privesc inapoi.Asa merg lucrurile pe lumea asta.

Doamne,cum de n-a cazut biserica pe mine?Printre lacrimi si buze muscate pana la sange,cum de am putut sa mai blestem divinitatea si preotii si toate cuvintele acelea ipocrite ce nu-si mai aveau rostul?Mai aveam atat de putin pana sa cedez si sa iau pe cineva la pumni imbibati in furie.Durerea ne sterge din orizont ratiunea,ne face sa ne punem intrebarile cele mai logice,desi cel mai greu de solutionat.Aer,nu ma parasi,nu-mi face asta acum!

Tata i-a sarutat mainile,unchiul i-a sarutat fruntea-eu am plans.Miros de lumanari arse si tamaie: treziti-ma,va rog.Treziti-ma,va rog,acum.

Si-am mers,si-am mers,si-am mers...Am ajuns.Dintre toate,ultimul drum este intr-adevar cel mai greu.V-o spun intoxicata si obosita si...A fost totul ca un carusel macabru pentru care nu mi-am dat consimtamantul.

Si-au mai spus o rugaciune.Si-au pus capacul.Si-am aruncat cu totii o mana de pamant peste cosciug,peste flori,peste un om.Si m-am tinut de-o cruce straina,mi se umpleau plamanii cu tarana la fiecare impunsatura de lopata,voiam sa ma trezesc,sa fie totul doar un cosmar,doar o gluma proasta a destinului...

N-am putut sa mananc.Trebuia sa sparg ceva,sa-mi vad oasele mainilor vopsite in rosu,sa iasa din mine cumva toata otrava,toata amaraciunea...La dracu!Cu mine,cu tine,cu noi toti!Cu viata asta de cacat din care nu ne alegem cu nimic!Nimic,va spun,ni-mic!Totul este o minciuna grosolana si patetica...O,Doamne!De m-as ineca odata cu lacrimile astea scarboase!

Am vazut gara prea devreme saptamana asta,din pacate.Era frig si tata imi facea sufletul sa se tanguie fara niciun cuvant- ii vedeam privirea si-mi era de ajuns...Monstrul de metal era gol si greoi.Ma durea capul si ochii imi fierbeau in orbite.Ganduri repetate ca un refren crud,timp eradicat.Treziti-ma,va rog.Treziti-ma.

Gata.Savarsitu-s-a.Nu o sa mai mergem "la tataia" duminica.Nu o sa mai vina pe la noi de ziua mea.Nu...Cum sa pui un suflet sub pamant si sa-l lasi acolo?Cum?De ce?Nu inteleg.Nu pot.Nu vreau.Mi-e rau.Plamani,nu cedati!Nu-mi faceti asta acum!

Sunt goala pe dinauntru.Sunt din nou un copil care nu vrea sa recunoasca adevarul.Sunt intr-un cosmar si astept sa fiu trezita de cineva odata.Nu mai vreau sa fac nimic.Nu merita.Nu meritam.Nu,nu...

Maine o sa fie la fel.Si poimaine.Si toate zilele ce vor urma.Voi uita,imi voi aminti,va durea.Si nimeni nu va indrazni sa ma trezeasca.As vrea sa fiu anesteziata.

The blackest of news

Eram sigura.Am simtit-o in maruntaie din prima pana in ultima clipa,rasucindu-se si sfarsindu-se odata cu mine.Asteptam doar telefonul,doar vocea mamei spargandu-se in mii de cioburi sonore,doar lacrimile unei confirmari ce n-as fi vrut sa existe vreodata...

Bunicul nu m-a certat niciodata.Niciodata.El mi-a cumparat prima cutie de bomboane cu lichior.M-a invatat sa joc table si m-a lasat mereu sa ma alint cu iepurasii din curte.El imi arata de fiecare data diverse lucruri interesante prin carti si imi dadea bani sa-mi cumpar "o ciocolata".Nu cred ca a lipsit de la vreo aniversare,vreun Craciun sau vreo zi importanta din casa noastra.In poze iesea mereu din profil,asa ca era cel mai usor de recunoscut.Nu ca nu l-as fi putut ochi dintr-o mare de oameni intr-o secunda...Si palaria neagra si bastonul putin ciobit si mersul vioi de altadata!Doamne...

Imi amintesc perfect momentul cand mi-a dat cea mai frumoasa batista brodata din lume:eram suparata (din cine stie ce prostie),plangeam de mama focului in camera mea si nu voiam sa vorbesc cu nimeni.A venit langa mine,mi-a pus minunea aceea in palme si mi-a spus ca totul o sa fie bine.Nu pot sa schitez exact cuvintele,dar nici nu trebuie.Important este ca nu m-a luat la intrebari si nici n-a incercat sa-mi minimalizeze suferinta puerila.A fost acolo pentru mine,fizic si spiritual.M-a inteles fara vorbe si nu mi-a cerut nimic in schimbul unei iubiri pe care n-am s-o mai pot rasplati acum...

Nu inteleg si nici nu vreau.Cum?De ce?Plamanii mei...Imi fac bagajul si ma invart mecanic prin camera.Nu mai e,nu mai e,nu mai e deloc,deloc,deloc...

Poate ca Dumnezeu e mare,dar eu ma simt foarte mica astazi.Iar maine ma asteapta o farama din Iad.

Aching

I'm collecting bones between sheets of meat
and memories,calling a lie "life" and spending
my youth on a dream more rusty now
than my childhood bicycle-
look at my hands!shaking like scared children,
white as lilies and painfully unaware of tomorrow's
plans...
I have worms in my throat,swarming and clutching
to my shabby sanity,all green and vile!
mother,I don't want to go!don't feed me
to that metal monster!keep me in your arms!
my stomach's tearing apart under the palms
of Sunday's inverted dusk-give me something
to forget myself,to forget the tears that just won't
form as fiery streams of relief and solace!
father,give me peace!tell me to be strong
and tall and to stop cutting my own hair!
ah,distance,you are as cruel as ever!
my pain's your child-and what a caring mother am I!

Sunny clocks

Frumos,frumos,e tare frumos cand te trezesti in asternuturi calde si miroase a cafea pe hol.
Cand porti puloverul bej,cel cu un indian abia schitat pe el.
Cand iti urmaresti serialele preferate in pat,cu o patura pufoasa peste umeri.
Gresia de pe hol pare mai verde,tavanul mai jos.
Banca din smarald scorojit este luminata rece,dar iubitor.
Tata ar putea repara orice pe lumea asta,de la ceasuri pana la inimi inradacinate in indoiala.
Pisici pufoase,mi-ati lipsit enorm!
Cateva lacrimi fara sens lasate tribut pamantului.
Mancare buna si cuvinte simple,clare,dulci.
Vin fiert,chipuri placute,oase destinse.
De ce n-am stiut sa apreciez ce aveam la timpul potrivit?
Mi-e dor de cine eram acum cateva saptamani...
Muzica exotica si dureri nejustificate ale carnii.
Dorinta de a continua,neputinta de a o face.
Miscari ascutite si biroul cu parfum de lemn si amintiri.
Urat,urat,e tare urat sa te culci in asternuturi reci si cu ochii rosii.

Tired soul and ugly words

Vinerea este ziua mea preferata.Atunci vin acasa,mananc si eu "ca omul",dorm in patul meu,ma bucur de compania familiei.Dar...Doamne!

Sunt atat de obosita!Trupul mi se prabuseste si sufletul tipa pentru el.M-am vazut din greseala intr-un geam de masina si m-am speriat de umerii lasati,de cearcanele violet,de mine.Dorm putin si prost,imi spun ca mi-e bine si asa,mi-am pierdut spiritul candva infloritor si nu stiu cum sa mi-l insusesc din nou.

Am atatea sentimente ingramadite intr-un colt de fiinta,mi-e teama de razbunarea lor deloc linistita!Si nu vreau in niciun caz sa-mi "vars" nervii pe cei dragi,mai ales ca-i vad atat de putin intr-o saptamana...Nu stiu.Nu mai stiu nimic.

As vrea sa-mi cos gura si sa nu mai spun lucruri urate,lucruri permanente.As vrea sa-mi sigilez mintea nestatornica.As vrea...As vrea un raspuns,dar am prea multe intrebari de pus.

Mi-am pierdut identitatea si nu stiu unde trebuie sa o caut...

...and it rained forever.

I give up.You win!You win,rain!You win,aching limbs!You win,shallow conversations and insecure eyes!You win,everything!I am done.So done.So motherfucking done.

Some of you may think that I've gone nuts by now.You are probably right.No,really,that's it!Kudos for you!Here,have an imaginary cookie.

...but seriously,though.How do you expect me to be "fine" when everything around me seems to be alike a raging copy of personal Hell?Time has no substance anymore.I hate my alarm clock with a burning passion.If I eat,I feel horrible;if I don't eat,I run the risk of fainting and...and being eaten by pigeons,let's say.The amount of "school work" I have to do is equally opposite to my will and determination.I have moments when I can't even breathe properly.This inopportune rain is literally killing me and my clothes couldn't be more wet and cold.People are starting to annoy me to the point of closed eyes and prayers.I'm growing mean and sad and lonely.I don't like myself anymore.

"One more day"-this is how I get past the devils in my head.One baby step at a time.One lie per hour.I'm such a fool,but there's no other way.Not for me there isn't,anyway.Art isn't comforting anymore and my mind's dissolving like a fragile shore.Trust me,this isn't a lament.This is the real deal.This is me actually confessing a hurtful state of being.This is horrible.

I miss the way I used to be.Naive.Happy.Beautifully lost in books and tea and surreal representations of the world.Incredibly oblivious and hopelessly in love with the miracle of human life.Anchored to a simple,plain,ideal existence.Protected by a familiar shield.Self-sufficient.How did I lose all that?Why?Where?

Maybe I'm not crazy...yet.At least,I hope I'm not.I need sleep.And some encouragement.

Salvation would be nice.

Bright lights and soggy eyes

...I'm just really pissed off right now.Nothing is fine and I can't deal with this imposed denial anymore!Try as I might,the lie resurfaces again and again,polluting my mind,my life,my sanity.

First of all,the faces.I pass by so many strangers in one single day,that my brain has started to link each one with something familiar.Friends,actors,musicians,everything that I know and love scattered around this impersonal canvas...just to make me feel more secure.It's like my subconscious is trying to shield me,well,basically,from myself.So these weary eyes clutch to so many damn details in the hope of relief,of comfort,of recognition.

Speaking of which,I think I'm turning into a bratty 5-year old...again.I don't know,I just miss human touch so much.Not the vulgar interaction with which I'm (apparently) "blessed" on the subway or down a busy street,no.I'm talking about holding hands,sharing a hug,a kiss on the forehead,things like that.I want to be reminded that somebody cares about me,that I'm worth something,that I'm loved.I want to be certain of my knowledge,of my dignity,of my stamina.I just want...

My personality's fading away.Yep,irony has struck yet again!In a place where nobody gives a rat's ass if your head is shaved or you have a peacock on your shoulder as an accessory,I have "decided" to let myself go.Just like that.Be plain,be ordinary,be myself,in the end.Because,to be honest,why would you notice me?I have nothing to offer and everything to lustily demand.Fair trade?I think not.One day,maybe I'll end up a plain shell,a moving body,a hallow spirit.Ah,why do I always look for salvation from the outside?Why can't I get it into my head that nobody's going to come and rescue me from this makeshift Hell of mine?Jesus,I'm pathetic!Seriously.

I almost cried today."Almost" because I was returning home and there were too many people around me and bleah!But I was holding on to my bag like a drowning man to a buoy,constantly playing with my fingers and touching my wrists as if for security.Am I that obvious?This tragic?I mean,I've started "deducing" myself on the subway,for crying out loud!Jesus!It's sad and pointless and nothing good can come out of it!Only sorrow and the feeling of inferiority.And I don't think I can take any more of that right now...

Anyhow,the point is that I didn't start bawling in front of those innocent bystanders.Instead,I came here,to a blank sheet of paper.These are my tears,these almost coherent words,laid out like a peculiar row of twisted limbs.This is something even I can't take away from myself-writing.For I will never stop using this form of art as an outlet,God willing!It's in my blood now,like coffee and the burning desire to go home.

Home!Such a sweet word,yet full of silent torture.Honestly,I'm scared out of my wits by this seemingly never-ending cycle of "here"-"there" twirls- will I ever settle down emotionally,not only physically?Don't answer that.It would be a joke and a sin.

My body's decomposing,I'm tired,I'm hungry,everything hurts,I have to study,life sucks.Music isn't the same balm anymore and I've run out of sweets.I weep for myself.

Tomorrow,please be better!I'm counting on that.

P.S.I just remembered-it's Halloween.Awesome.

Smothered howl

Urasc luna plina.N-am pus geana pe geana toata noaptea si,pe deasupra,am avut mirifice semi-halucinatii.In plus,mi-au cantat toate melodiile pamantului in urechi pana la rasarit.Pe bune,Univers?Pe bune?!

Poate ca vorbeste intunericul obosit din mine,dar de ce ne mai nastem?Huh?Ca sa murim?Asta e marele premiu?Asta e marea recompensa?Pentru asta tragem ca tampitii de jugul unei vieti mai mult sau mai putin cooperante?...pe foarte bune?!

Nu-mi doresc asta.Nu vreau sa mai stau la inca un curs plictisitor.Nu vreau sa mai aud de accidente.Nu vreau sa ma mai simt atat de rau.Nu vreau sa mai zambesc fals si sa n-am unde plange linistita.Nu vreau sa traiesc mereu cu teama ingrozitoare ca toti cei pe care ii iubesc vor disparea candva si ca tot ce indragesc ma va parasi.Nu vreau sa cred ca inconstienta e singurul mod de a trece prin existenta.Nu vreau,nu vreau,nu vreau!

Stiu ca pare exagerat,dar nu este.Chiar nu este.Asta simt si ma distruge minut cu minut.Obositor,melancolic,devorator.Sincer,mi-ar placea sa stiu a minti mai bine.In felul asta,poate ca mi-ar fi mai usor sa ma pacalesc singura.Sa ma conving fara efort ca nu-mi pasa de sfarsit,de ochii stralucitori ai celorlalti,de baiatul care tocmai a trecut pe langa mine nepasator.Incet,dar sigur,o sa ajung si acolo.In spatiul unde nimic nu mai conteaza,nu mai doare,nu ma mai afecteaza.Cale lunga!Poate prea lunga...

Ma lupt cu mine insami si nu castig deloc.Asa a fost mereu...Eu niciodata nu castig,oricum.M-am impacat cu ideea.Cu noptile nedormite.Cu gandurile intunecate.Cu linistea pagana.E mai usor asa: abandonul...

Urasc luna plina.

Conflicting rain

I don't like waking up to the sound of piercing darkness,tired eyelids and windswept leaves.
I don't like noisy people in the morning.
I don't like being interrupted when I'm reading,especially by rude commentaries and hateful stares.
I don't like it when people pick on those who are either defenseless or unaware.
I don't like it when people basically act like annoying little cunts.
I don't like my feet getting wet and my stomach growling.
I don't like silence and solitude.
I don't like feeling like something bad is about to happen all the time.
I don't like it when I'm lazy.
I don't like fear-inducing words,crippling pauses and sad book endings.
I don't like not knowing.

I like my morning coffee,rushed preparations and passionate perfume.
I like the smell of an old book flowing through my body and imagination.
I like learning about things I never thought could be real.
I like seeing dedicated individuals.
I like the idea that someone could,hopefully and eventually,see me,love me,choose me.
I like walking down a busy street,not knowing a soul and not being recognized in return.
I like the smell of toast on the subway and a hot meal at the end of the day.
I like sleeping my troubles away.
I like reading,admiring beautiful faces and coming up with improbable (yet alluring) parallel universes.
I like being happy and bringing happiness to others.
I like knowing everything's fine.

Green cats

As vrea sa nu mai plec.Sa nu mai fug.Sa uit bagajele prin casa si sa ma bucur intr-adevar de duminica plicticoasa.Nu tu debandada,nu tu stres inutil.

Sa picteze frate-miu fructe de toamna langa mine si pisica gri sa rontaie linistita un biscuite in poala.Sa ma bucur de o cana mare cu vin fiert.Sa-l tund pe tati in gradina,razand si vorbind de toate prostiile lumii.Sa ascult muzica in patul meu,cu volumul dat la maxim si cu aroma de cafea venind dinspre birou.Sa ma certe mamaia ca iar n-am papuci in picioare si eu s-o sarut pe obraz.Sa ma impiedic de zece mii de lucuri cotrobaind prin casa.Sa ma pupe mama pe frunte si sa ma cheme la masa.Sa simt ca sunt acasa,printre oameni care ma iubesc si pe care-i iubesc mai mult decat propria-mi fiinta.

"Ce mi-a trebuit mie,Doamne,facultate?".Sincer,nu stiu.Pe romaneste,m-am aruncat ca gaina in gramada.Inteleg,nu puteam sa raman,sa stagnez,dar...tot nu-mi place.Mi-e groaza de tren din ce in ce mai mult,singurele lucruri in chip de consolare fiind un hanorac "patat" cu pisicute verzi si-o carte faina in mana.

Pe bune,nu credeam c-o sa ajung sa fac atatea,de la drumuri pana la lucruri.Intr-un fel,sunt mandra de mine si nu prea.Nu stiu,ma simt straina,straina de mine si de ceilalti,de spiritul pasionat si infometat care pare ca s-a dizolvat in marea nebunie a "marelui oras".Clar,am suflet de taranca,trebuie sa simt pamant sub picioare,nu asfalt.Sunt un hibrid neadaptat si-o fata cu vesnicul calendar pe buze: cinci pentru doua!Ah,zambete crispate,ce bine mascati plansul!Pana si oboseala mi se pare acum o nascocire pagana...

As vrea sa nu mai plec.