Overbearing situations

Again,things that are not smart/"nice" (I'm looking at you,Universe!):

• staying up till 3 a.m. to watch a movie that will make your skin crawl
• waking up at 10 a.m. with the sun malevolently bursting through your windows
• starting homework,realizing it's too much to cope with,then having a nervous breakdown
• thinking coffee can solve everything (it cannot,unfortunately)
• staying to talk with your neighbor about silly things
• having to deal with a lot of baffling and confusing papers
• not knowing what to buy first at the supermarket
• finding a cockroach floating in the shower 
• trying to cope with the notion of "stubborn highlighters"
• living an absurd life and having to read about it as well
• trying to make sense of your efforts
• realizing all your hard work of cleaning has been utterly in vain
• thinking about the hellish day of college tomorrow
• trying to keep your prayers out of the gloomy side (to no success)

"Smart" choices

Going to bed late when you have to wake up at 6:15.
Attending courses on a Saturday morning.
Asking yourself how you got such a good grade on your midterm (9) when you can barely remember how you got back home that day.
Getting back to your dorm room and heading straight for your laptop.
Deciding a nap would do you good.
Realizing your nap turned into a full blown sleeping session,which left you dazed,confused and ridiculously sleepy.
Opting to clean said room (since pigs probably live in cleaner environments) and discovering you've slept the entire afternoon on a cockroach,keeping it warm and company.
Spraying so much Killtox after you're done with your almost gruesome tasks of sweeping and mopping  foreign hair that you feel blessed to end up with only a headache (and not dead,presumably).
Trying to eat something while listening to music,only to discover a careless millipede strolling on your wall.
Procrastinating on the internet, while still having to do college homework and a movie to see (also college related).
Realizing you are fucked as Hell in this life (and,probably,the other one too).

All at once

D-aia nu gasesc eu niciodata un echilibru in viata,pentru ca zilele mele sunt fie absurd de fade ("ne-rezumabile" chiar),fie absurd de incarcate.Asa se intampla cand te incapatanezi sa lasi viata sa treaca pe langa tine...

In fine,mi-am luat curajul de a infrunta lumea la purtator si am inceput sa-mi rezolv din treburi.

M-am intalnit cu my platonic soulmate (Honey,I love you) si ne-am luat bilete la Summer Well (*heavy breathing because BASTILLE*),am fost sa cumpar cadouri (what are friends for otherwise?),i-am adus bunicii flori de ziua ei,ce sa mai- om ocupat.

Plus ca am plecat la camin deoarece,nu-i asa,cum sa ratez eu prilejul de a ma duce sambata la un singur curs,cum sa nu...Norocul meu ca exista turta dulce delicioasa si conexiune la internet buna,altfel m-as fi dat cu capul de pereti acum (mai mult decat o fac de obicei,de altfel).

Oricum,am de stat mult si bine pana miercuri in caminul asta "fantastic" si deja ma doare sufletul cand ma gandesc.Stiu sa ma adaptez,dar nu pot sa accept anumite lucruri,ce sa-i faci...

Nu-mi ramane decat sa ma indop cu zahar si sa plang pe melodii triste.Ceea ce fac eu mereu,adica...

Trebuie sa ascult neaparat "Snap out of it" de la Arctic Monkeys.Neaparat.

The moon in my hand

the window is coated
with gloomy lace

my temples are pounding
with the sound
of drums made from
human skin

I have broken my
patience
and the scattered pieces on the floor
make my heart's soles
bleed from within

the moon is white and naked
in my hands,
waiting for words
to robe her with a purpose

I don't know
how to behave
when I am mad at myself

the air between us
is so tense
it could slap you across the face
if cut with a kitchen knife

the stale smell of air
lingers in my brain

I can't seem to be selfless
enough
to keep my misery from breeding

...and again!

Why does school happen to good people?Well,not me (not yet,anyway),but my brother-which means I have to get into this routine of his as well while I'm still at home.

Ugh,why can't I suspend time and thrive on bucketloads of TV shows and coffee alone?The gods of procrastination are treating me awfully nowadays.

Anyway,maybe his starting school will jump start my academic drive as well,since I have almost forgotten I actually do attend college (apparently).What are books?What are responsibilities?What is life?!

Excuse me,I'm still emotionally compromised because "I'M WITH YOU TILL THE END OF THE LINE". Indeed,I need a moment,please.Yes,I get invested in fictional characters like that,kudos to me.

It's rough,though,having to plunge into another stream of tedious activities after a long period when your only concern was not to forget (how) to breathe.I mean,I feel even more tired than before and my interest levels are at an all time low.

Even so,I'll leave aside thinking about the future because I'm in no mood for a panic attack.

Instead,I think I'm going to rely on sweet oblivion one more day-that's all I'm good at after all.

"...till the end of the line"

Pentru ca eu sunt o sora perfecta si extraordinara (*cough cough*),am decis sa-i fac un cadou de Sf.Gheorghe fratelui meu (George,adica) si sa mergem impreuna la Bucuresti (pe cheltuiala mea,se intelege).

Lasand la o parte panica generala de acasa (pentru ca,asa e,nici n-am eu 21 de ani si el aproape 14,nu,nu!),a fost o zi mai faina decat ma asteptam.

Am ajuns bine,ne-am luat numai prostii (dulciuri si jucarii LEGO),am dat o fuga pana la camin (I'll contain my rage for another time concerning this),apoi ne-am plimbat prin AFI (a se citi "ratacit enervant de mult pentru ca n-am fost in stare sa ne urcam pe primele scari rulante vazute") pana sa inceapa filmul.

Normal ca ne-am dus la "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" in 3D, iar singurul mod in care pot rezuma experienta este citandu-l pe insusi fratele meu:"Am fost compromis emotional".

Ceea ce este curios totusi este ca,dupa toata ziua asta de "du-te,vino",el a mai avut energie sa se duca la antrenamentul de baschet,pe cand eu inca zac mormaind in pat,cu pisicile misunand pe langa mine si sperand sa-mi treaca senzatia de greata (daca mananc tampenii,asa-mi trebuie!).

In definitiv,a fost o experienta memorabila si deja ne-am pus amandoi bani de-o parte sa o repetam.

Domestic roots

leave me be with my
crumbled sheets
and stinging sides

leave me be with my
chopping,hungry teeth
and bloodshot mind

leave me be in my
lightning-house cocoon
and letter craving
skin

leave me be in my
uncertain future
and made up past

leave me be with my
domestic roots
and foreign loves

leave me be with my
cathartic rivers
and purple thighs

leave me be with my
unholy stomach
and circular days

leave me be with my
illusions and
thoughts of a better
ending

"Holiday" redefined

Cand eram mica,toate sarbatorile aveau un aer special.Craciunul mirosea a portocale si a caldura,iar Pastele insemna hainute noi si zile insorite.Am crescut,am imbatranit,s-au schimbat povestile.

Acum,parca ne incearca pe toti in casa un aer de enervare si tristete de cate ori trebuie sarbatorit ceva "oficial".Oare am pierdut prea multe (si prea multi) sa mai simtim fericirea la date fixe sau ne-a pervertit societatea in care traim?Nu stiu,chiar nu stiu...

La Prohod n-am mers anul acesta (bunica a fost prea obosita-cozonacii cer multe de la om!-si a ploua teribil),iar Invierea a fost,cu scuzele de rigoare,un fiasco.

A turnat cu galeata pana am ajuns acolo,au inceput sa sune toate telefoanele mobile cand au iesit preotii afara (pe toate limbile si melodiile posibile,desigur),lumea parea ca executa mai mult un automatism decat un gest spiritual si cate si mai cate.Pe scurt,ma mir ca nu s-a pravalit peste mine biserica atunci si acolo la cat am injurat.

Iar ziua de Paste in sine a orbitat in jurul meselor (copioase) si a papoy-lor si a lenei generale.S-a instalat apatia,asta constat...

Nu pot sa fac nicio urare acum,nu-i mai simt de mult timp esenta...

Useless child

Mark my words: having a child is like gambling away your sanity while being blindfolded.

Sure,you can do your best to try and mold a beautiful human being, but creation has its habit of surpassing the "depth and breadth and height" originally imposed by its master.

In other words,you can get anything ranging from an angel to an asshole.

Me?I think I'm somewhere in between.I'll have my days of "domestic martyrdom" and general fluffiness towards my family,but most of the time I'm just miserable,lazy and deeply lost in an existential crisis only I understand (apparently).

For example,mom is in the kitchen right now,toiling away to prepare food for Easter (which is tomorrow-hey,who knew?!) and I'm here in my room,writing about silly things that no one cares about (including me sometimes,to be honest).

As much as I want to help her,1.I don't think she wants me to (she gets possessive like that with the kitchen) and 2.you couldn't get me to move right now even if you used a crane.

See,you're gambling with the outcome,each child at a time!

Ugh,when will I ever learn to behave like a "normal" human being...

12 on the dot

I am nothing

don't worry,I swore to tell
nothing but the truth,
be it one that masks
a phantasm or one
that startles the insane

unconsciousness
revolves around divine numbers
when the flesh
grows weary,
not caring whether the sun is set
or beaming its obnoxious
glow

I could have sworn I saw
blue petals dangling
from my ankles
mere moments ago...

a symphony of crackling bones
presides the opening ceremony
of the morning,
while bubbling eyes moan their clarity
into pillows-
what did I do to deserve life?

I swear I have no pleasure
brought about by being
in the middle of
a swelling body and an inarticulate mind

My bones are weeping

to feel the unbridled joy
of gentle degradation
as your bones weep with the gratitude
of the saved

for such a stinging pain
of pleasure
has never dripped from tainted walls
and dusty floors-
I feel as dead
as never alive before

could those be ivy-fingers
crawling up my thighs?
or velvet cockroaches entwining
in the hollow crevices
of this spine?

I'm too numb to protest

my limbs have turned
into marble,
you could carve another
out of them


what did I hear just now?
the flutter of wings
or my own sinking lungs?

rooted lips of envy
sing one final song
for the undead and weary

On the cold run

I never thought I'd hate rain
or rusty clocks
or people who forget
how to be mundane

my soaked heap
of fabric and memories
stands sprawled
at my feet,
while I clutch,both trembling
and weary,
to the mirrored soul
next to me

wheels turn

people come and go

houses melt into
a single tableau
of green and gloomy
veins

a voice marching in my ear
tells me misery
is universal-
ah,but so are its nuances,
terrible stranger!

I arrive, I say "goodbye",
I depart-
such are the days
when you are
on the cold run

Snap out of it!

Dear me,

I know it's hard and scary and generally not worth bothering anymore at this point.But...

Do it for the ones you love dearly and who love you back.Do it for those silly cats that will most likely fall asleep at your feet tomorrow night.Do it for yourself,even though  you don't think you deserve it (or anything,for that matter).

The past few days have been rough,but you'll manage,you always do.And if you can't,you'll put on a face to mask the truth and that's that.

Does living on the ground floor make it easier or harder nowadays?Don't answer.

Keep in mind you're going home tomorrow and that all pain is temporary,even that hollow one that's too stubborn to leave your chest.

Rely on the small feats of everyday life and stop worrying about the future.It's practically impossible,I know,but I'm feeling confident in your abilities.Well,mostly because it seems like I'm addressing a stranger,not my actual self-which makes this entire exercise even weirder-but who cares.

Made you smile,didn't I?Gotcha!Now,pack your bags,say your prayers and go to bed.Your body will heal and your family will be alright.

Some lies are worth believing in,aren't they...

With love,

A.

Upset chest

there's a black hole
in the middle of my chest-
when I gently press with a finger or two,
the threads encircling the galaxies
cradled by twelve pairs of ribs
get tangled
and ache

who knew sound could echo
from the depths of nothingness?
pain too...

for never did light feel like blades
against raw flesh
such as it did today...

I can feel circles
of dust and thought
grinding against the skin of my left breast
from the inside,
but I cannot free them-
not yet...

this Universe must be kept even when
broken and shattered and scattered
around billions of orbits
with no planets to soothe them-
why must this cancerous creation
forsake itself?

my stars have died
and still I mourn their last
resentful breath...

Falling to my imaginary knees

Sunt zile cand nu vrei sa te scoli din pat de frica lumii ce te asteapta din clipa infinitisima in care iti bagi picioarele in papuci.Dar teama este nefondata-nenorocirile,mai mici sau mai mari,ajung la tine si fara pregatiri; uneori,chiar te trezesc din somn.Se poate spune ca dai un cosmar la schimb pe altul.
Parintii ar trebui sa fie infailibili,nu-i asa?Sa nu se simta rau,sa nu se imbolnaveasca,sa nu moara.
Cea mai mare spaima a mea este neputinta- neputinta de a salva,de a actiona,de a preveni.
Nu stiu cum sa ma comport cand cineva refuza ajutorul- sa tip si sa-i ofer otrava sau sa-i zambesc intelegator,luandu-i sticla usor din mana?Ceea ce e ironic,avand in vedere propriile-mi porniri...
Suntem o familie de sinucigasi,fie si numai la nivel metaforic.
...dar metafora nu se multumeste cu statutul ei,vrea carne si picioare tremurande si scenarii care te vor face sa vrei sa poti trai fara pleoape noaptea.
Mi-e frica de viitor pentru ca nu-mi promite, nu ne promite nimic bun.
Devenim atat de egoisti in iubirea noastra pentru ceilalti incat ducem sacrificiul la paroxism.
Sunt fiica mamei mele si nu stiu daca e un blestem sau o binecuvantare.
Am plecat din nou departe si cred ca mi-am lasat dorinta de a exista in urma.

Sick as a dog

Un adevar extrem de enervant este faptul ca orice actiune produce o reactiune drept consecinta.
Arunci o cana de apa pe fereastra?Va ploua candva.Spui o vorba urata unui prieten?Nu-ti va mai zambi niciodata fara o urma de amaraciune in coltul gurii.Te incapatanezi sa stai in frig si umezeala nemancat?Te cearta corpul dureros.A,si probabil racesti.
Nu stiu,eu vorbesc din experienta si scriu privind cu ochii putin "in ape".Bine,putin mai mult.Fie,plang de-a binelea,dar asta e pe langa subiect.
Ideea de baza orbiteaza in jurul faptului ca viata e de-a dreptul naspa si eu sunt o proasta si...si.Nu stiu sa-mi organizez timpul,nu pot sa-mi imblanzesc trupul, nu inteleg cum sa-mi adun gandurile in actiuni coerente.
M-am "tinut" destul de bine pana acum,dar,cum am ajuns acasa,s-a dus de rapa tot castelul de carti- ma tenteaza sa continui cu "de joc",dar nu-mi place,asa ca ramane...asa.
Problema mea cea mare este ca tot vreau sa functionez,desi fibrele din mine s-au blegit de tot,iar celulele urla la nivel microscopic "Lasa-ne,lasa-ne!".
Eu vreau sa va las,voi nu vreti!Ce tine viata de ea insasi cu atata indaratnicie!
Vreau sa ma bucur ca am creat ceva acum,"pe ultima suta de metri",dar presimt ca o sa ma caiesc amarnic...

Stupid decisions

Everybody makes them.Some more than others.I,for one,seem prone to acting suicidal most of the time,even though I don't (always) mean it.
Today was my second day of almost not eating anything from dusk till dawn,of spending countless (and pointless) hours attending draining courses,of punishing myself for God knows what mistake.
I mean,was it really necessary to go out in the cold after jumping out of a scalding shower?(my back doesn't seem to take kindly to my reckless goals nowadays either)
And did I actually presume I would get to enjoy a nice night out watching a play?Of course we didn't know where the place was,why presume such a marvelous feat...Not to mention-but I really can't mention that,though.
Fact of the matter is that I don't love myself to even care anymore,apparently.Otherwise,why would I torture my body and torment my mind in such ways?They're mundane,I can see that,but that's what makes it all terrifying -I feel at such a loss that I'll probably (an intentionally!) forget to drink a glass of water while it's pouring outside...
I need to dry my clothes and go to sleep-maybe my nightmares will take pity on me...

Soaking feet

I'll give you eternal beauty
carved into words
for a pair of dry socks

I'll trade my knowing eyes
and burdened palms
for steaming black and crimson

I'll lend you my trembling toes
for a dry umbrella

I'll renounce my fleeting wisdom
for ungrasped oblivion
underneath
warm covers

I'll throw away my crackling knees
to have a burning chest
enveloping mine

I'll twist and turn my jealous wrists
in search
of soothing balms

I'll dump aside my silent pride
for promises
I dare not conjure by myself

I'll betray my murmuring lips
for a piece
of crumbling bread

I'll curse the gods who have blessed
for I am an animal
and the storm is much too close

Wish you not

Nu iti doresc deloc sa ai parte de
oameni carora le lipseste filtrul bunului-simt,
nopti in care te rogi sa poti dormi,
ferestre mult prea luminoase,
cafea cu gust de cana,
metrouri alambicate,
holuri goale de sentiment,
ore abisale intr-un colt leganat,
incredere ciuntita si stearpa,
rasete soptite,
planuri ce trebuie neaparat ascunse,
viziuni mai mult decat imposibile,
decizii aparent benefice,
sentimentul de gol in fiinta intreaga
vreodata.

In schimb,iti doresc sa ai parte de
bucuria unei reuniuni restranse,
ecoul rasului neschimbat,
plimbari care lasa urme de talpi in spate,
glume si valuri impinse de vant,
oameni frumosi,buni si dragi,
sentimentul cald ca unele lucruri nu se schimba,
o liniste care inseamna totul,
oase care dor de atata bucurie,
promisiunea unei noi aventuri,
speranta.

Strawberry delight

lumina care se ascunde dupa draperii dimineata.
manerul canii de cafea.
o pata de ruj uitata in coltul gurii.
o dunga pe cartela de metrou.
pantofii unei straine simpatice.
telefonul greoi si vechi.
desenul pus pe geanta loiala.
omuletul impietrit de pe cealalta parte a drumului.
unghiile unei prietene.
surasul unei fapte dragute.
dulceata si bunatatea dintr-o tarta.
pixul preferat.
capacul care se intrezareste in banca.
florile din bratele vecinei.
cheile ascunse in buzunar.
semnul mare si luminos care ne vegheaza.
afisele care imbraca fatada caminului.
buburuzele de pe birou.
coperta unei obligatii.
prosopul unui baiat dragut.
mesajul unei revederi frumoase.
muscatura din ultimul mar.
dorinta unor maini neingrijite.
sunetul colorat al unei melodii senzuale.
fumul etern al holului.
pleoapele lipite de oboseala.

Packed sunshine

You have to somehow survive this spiritually,you just have to...Otherwise,how would 12 straight hours of college make sense?Especially with merely 5 hours of sleep on board...

I know it sounds nuts and it most probably is,but this is life how I know it and it's taking a toll on both my stomach and nerves.

You have to laugh at a silly joke first thing in the morning.Or let the words of fine poetry sink into your bones and sprout during lonesome hours.You need to allow your friends to comfort you,even when you feel like you don't deserve it.
I mean,nothing bad will happen if you sprinkle those couple of lecture room hours with tales of better times or stealthily eaten chocolate.
Yeah,most courses are excruciatingly boring/exhausting,but there's music and stories and your imagination is always there,right?Not to mention offensive humor that only facial expressions can ever counterattack justly.
You see,these colorful lies are the equivalent of "packed sunshine" on gloomy days-you can't go around all the time with miserable prospects now,can you?Don't answer that.
Let me soothe my aching bones for a while...

Compressed and depressed

hours neatly ironed and packed away
in suitcases that have seen
too many dirty floors

minutes seasoned with
hot contempt and cold forgetfulness
in transparent tombs
that most often hold for
plates

seconds strapped to
slouching shoulders,
molding themselves above
a crooked backbone,
slipping away beneath
a blue beast

my decades are surreal

my years are numbers

my days are compressed
and depressed sequences
of events that succumb
to evanescence

feeling becomes slightly peculiar
when serving
to a timer

I've learned to fear
the clocks which count
my existence

Bloody rant

(Urmeaza un "plans de mila" catastrofal si un limbaj enervant/"indecent"-proceed at own risk/convenience...)

Cum cacat sa ai partial la engleza sambata dimineata la 8 fix?Cum?!Ma simt de parca Universul ar fi pus un pariu impotriva mea si l-ar fi castigat prematur.
Oricum,cu cele cateva ore de somn la purtator si un creier mai plin de cafea decat de informatii,la ce sa te astepti?
Sa zicem ca primele exercitii au mers relativ bine-...bine,asta in functie de cum interpreteaza fiecare "relativ" si "primele",in conditiile in care au fost 12 exercitii in aproape 3 ore,adica...
Ultimele dintre ele au fost facute orbeste-nu mai puteam si gata.Nici nu stiu cum am ajuns la metrou,daramite acasa...
In fine,lasand la o parte dramatizarea mea de scolar ofuscat,ideea este ca mi se pare mult prea mult efort pentru (aproximativ) nimic.Materia respectiva nu ma atrage,oboseala din timpul saptamanii m-a ajuns din urma,"viata e greu",toate cele.
Nu ca viitorul s-ar arata mai promitator-o serie de actiuni mecanice sa ocupe toate spatiile ceasului cu rezultate incerte,ce bucurie!
Imi bag picioarele in ea de zi si ma ascund in pat,ce naiba...

Back and forth

The utter absurdity of things eludes me.
Why are these curtains so...lacy?
The stumps of time crawl at my feet and I cannot surpass them.
I'll read another page,I'll read another page,I'll burn another page...
To feel so wise and so absurdly hollow at the same time,what a consuming paradox.
The only solid ground my present stands upon is the quicksand of the future-how fitting!
I'm so damn tired,but this coffee is so damn good...
This room is infinitely small for an expanding sort of temporary madness.
I might just take up that offer of a "life" now,please!
I will clean,pack,pace back and forth,sing,lament-anything but actually study for tomorrow's exam...
My eyes are drowning in pink and green and pointless knowledge...
Equally bored/unwilling to study neighbors are just the thing I needed.
This time tomorrow,I'll be home and everything will have passed.
Oh,what a tedious day!

Why do I even...

rising and collapsing lungs.
liquids boiled and brewed and running.
a sheet more crumbled than a dream.
fingers tracing the contours of a fantasy.
presumptuous stares.
bored beyond belief.
the giggles and sighs of different lives.
sinking mattress.
endless books of limited letters.
crackling knees and jaw.
childish and undesired companions.
knowledge that slips away from its birth.
repetitive food.
foreign voices of familiar faces.
domestic freedom.
music that blends into your blood.
tap,tap,tap.
an existence put down in virtual ink.
funny neighbors.
the same old worries of yesterday and tomorrow.
casual confidence.
too many breaks.
apathy of the soul and feet.
no room for rebellion.
prolonged waiting.
induced darkness.

Losing track of time

I built a tower by crushing
a clock.
I fed upon the glistening liquid
of unconsciousness.
I'm the only witness
of catastrophic hands upon cups
and make-believe earthquakes
under beds.
the world has sunk into itself
while I was blinking-
ripe,moldy and obscene,
a cluster of heartache
meant to smother
the silence.
and not a moment too soon-
I am confused beyond dread
by the dripping black
of droughty water
marking what just is,
what is gained
and what is to be lost.
I can't gather a basket
of wise eyes.
I can't bring myself
to breed a revolution.
I can't swallow a handful of hours
and pretend I'm fine.

Bicycle T-shirt

Though it may seem like a joke-and very fittingly so,I might add-I have this one T-shirt that makes me feel...different when I'm wearing it.Not "good-different",not "bad-different",just...different.
It's nothing out of the ordinary,only a two shades of green,bicycle print,colorful blouse that has something in German stapled across it.
I guess it's one of those sentiments you so very rarely experience when acknowledging your own skin.
You're that one person you get stuck with,well,for the rest of your life and there's a tendency to forget it most times.
The thing is,in this sea of "comfort" and monotony,you'll get small storms-actually looking at yourself in the mirror,getting a cut or a bruise,thinking so much that it starts hurting-which make "being" more real than you could really conjure with your imagination.
And all of this because of a lousy T-shirt,who would have guessed?
Maybe it's the small things which get to you more than,let's say,enormous catastrophes.The little tragedies or events will resonate with you because they're intensely familiar and personal.And what's more intimate than a second skin?
This has been a truly peculiar day,my friends.A truly peculiar one...

Aching all over

it's one of those days when
you feel like trading
your backbone for
crimson kisses
or your collarbone for
cotton clusters of
oblivion

your being is not a being anymore,
but the open abyss
of two fleshy rocks
that refuse to collide

the peaks of your fingertips
are charred with blue
and your knees
are seeping through
the bone-
what good does man-made reason do
when the wire running
from eye to eye
is damned by
raw blood?

I wish to halt,
to linger,
to cease

it's one of those days when
you feel like trading
your blooming skull
for bliss

Hurried clock

Nu se opreste deloc.Nu se opreste niciodata.Nu se opreste nici daca-i scoti bateriile si nu stiu daca asta e o binecuvantare sau o nenorocire.
M-am saturat de ei,de mine,de tot.Mi s-a acrit sufletul in mine si nu mai e bun nici de dat la caini.
Cum sa nu-ti pui probleme existentiale cand tot ce faci este obsedant de repetititv sau atat de strain de rutina incat iti vine sa te arunci de pe cea mai apropiata stanca fix in moalele capului?!Ce pot sa spun,pare-se ca nu sunt niciodata multumita...N-am cum.
Intotdeauna va exista o scama scarboasa pe o fusta perfect calcata.Intotdeauna mi se va intoarce stomacul pe dos la auzul unei anumite voci.Intotdeauna va atarna o sabie deasupra capului,indiferent cat de multa ceata beata o va ascunde.
Ca oameni,suntem proiectati sa avem in permanenta 99% dintr-un moment,de unde ni se trage mizeria eterna si,uneori,lamentabil de patetica.Desigur,totul pe fundalul unui ticait al dracului de infernal...
Dar ce sa-i faci?E tot ce avem.Si nimic.Nu stiu ce am azi,dar parca nu pot sa tin pasul cu viata...
Ba simt ca nu se intampla nicio schimbare,ba vin toate de-a valma.
Mi-am pierdut simtul timpului...

Sweetest nothing

Aproape ca uitasem cat de bine este sa pierzi sambata intr-o stare binecuvantata de lene.
Bine,planul era ca eu sa fac foarte multe astazi,dar adevarul este ca pana si eu stiam ca ma mint frumos.In plus,cand mai prind eu asa miracol sa vin de vineri acasa si nici sa nu chiulesc?
Pe scurt,am avut parte de ce e mai bun: mancare,familie,papoy neastamparati, vreme insorita si cafea la discretie.
Desigur,eu sunt o fiinta tembela si nu m-am lasat pana nu m-am chinuit cu ceva legat de facultate,dar nu-mi plangeti de mila,nu mi-am rupt nimic din cauza efortului.Am compensat cu recuperari-maraton de seriale,dulciuri si bere.
Adevarul adevarat este ca nu mi-e mie tocmai bine- iar ma inteapa pieptul rau,iar m-au napadit cosmarurile,iar ma macina ganduri meschine-dar trebuie sa invat sa-mi fie bine.Sa nu ma mai afund in trecut ori viitor,sa stau ochi in ochi cu prezentul,sa fiu aici si acum.
Aveam prea multa dreptate cand admiteam ca persoana care ma uraste cel mai mult pe lumea asta sunt chiar eu.
Dar sa ne intoarcem la o dulce seara de sambata,cand eu ma bucur in mod nerusinat ca n-am fost buna de nimic astazi...

What a miracle!

Cand termin anul asta de facultate,imi sacrific ritual alarma de la telefon,altfel nu se mai poate.
Cafea la fierbator,ce gust de...cafea la fierbator ai!
Nimic nu spune un mai mare "Fuck you oh so very much!" din partea Universului ca un profesor matinal care incearca sa fie amuzant facand misto de studenti- mai ales daca aceia iti sunt prieteni.
Ma jur- daca imi mai dau mult ochii peste cap la anumite cursuri/seminarii,s-ar putea sa ajung sa mi-i pescuiesc din cap...
Desigur,sunt cursuri/seminarii unde trebuie,literalmente si fara rusine,sa-mi dau palme peste fata pentru a sta treaza...
Bine ca activitatile studentesti la care nu particip imi usureaza calea spre casa.
E bine ca eu imi propun sa citesc in maxi-oricum ajung sa ma holbez pe geam la pomii infloriti,nici nu stiu de ce ma mai chinui...
Urasc sa ajung nervoasa din cauza foamei acasa.
Sa stau cu tati la o cafea vineri dupa-amiaza e un adevarat rasfat!
Ce faci atunci cand netul nu coopereaza cu tine?Te bagi la somn pana incepe "Romanii au talent".
Cafea,TV,papoy,un pat mare-imi place asa,imi place mult de tot!
Uneori ma mira de cata odihna are nevoie un amarat de corp...

Peculiar existence

De ce uneori simt ca pur si simplu nu mai pot sa functionez ca un om?
Uite,de exemplu,astazi m-am simtit oribil.Dar oribil cu fundite si parada,nu orice fel de oribil.
A fost ca si cum as fi avut un bat metaforic in fundul sufletului.Sa nu radeti,m-am gandit tot drumul parcurs de la Eroilor pana la Romana la faza asta ca sa tin de ea,cu un kilogram de xeroxuri intr-o mana si tarandu-mi picioarele singura dupa mine.
In fine,de ce am parte de momente de genul?Nu-mi ajung mie fantomele familiare,mai trebuie sa apara si altele fara eticheta sau instructiuni de utilizare?E prea mult,frate.In plus,urasc sa fiu asa "Gica-contra",impotriva lumii asa cum o stim.
De ce ma enervez degeaba pe oameni care n-au nicio vina?De ce las maini straine sa ma atinga?De ce tip cand ar trebui sa tac?
Din fericire,Universul se mai arata si impaciuitor si-mi scoate in cale prieteni cu zile de nastere oportune.Astfel,imbracata de parca as fi dat iama intr-o turma de brazi alpini,am petrecut o seara minunata in compania unor gagici "maCSime" si a muzicii grecesti de la ea de acasa.Ba chiar am baut si bere "de fete"!Iar drumul cu metroul nu poate fi descris,ci doar trait si ras cu pofta.
Pana la urma,am salvat si ziua asta cu miros de tigara...

Walk me home

take me by the hand.
give me a pocketful of sunshine.
whisper soothing words to my broken soles.
carry my books.
sing "Blue Jeans" with me.
smile.
tell me something I'll remember when I'm old.
promise to plant flowers for me.
make people stare in happiness.
talk about roses and chocolate.
laugh at a dumb joke.
point at the silly ducks.
lie about your past.
propose a preposterous adventure.
make a list of all the movies you've seen.
recite poetry about all the fallen stars of yesterday.
look at the river and say it reminds you of the sea.
promise me everything will be better.
agree that cats are the best.
never cross a red "stop" sign.
call me "dumb" for being wrong.
curse the grumpy wind.
list funny dog names.
try to make me not think anymore.
be real.
never let me go.

Unequal forces

I want to know.I want to believe.I want to feel that there is more to the world than death,lust and my fleeting existence.
The knowledge gained by the world so far is literally (if you will pardon the not so academic use) at my feet-all I need do is seize it.
For what other purpose could we come up for man if not the bright blossoming process of his mind and spirit?We may be dust,but,for an infinitely short period of time,we're smart,precious dust.
We are creators,we are artists,we are lovers that ignite the course of tomorrow.
I want to know...

I want to forget.I want to sleep.I want to sweep under the carpet all the glorious gore which surrounds me.
My eyes grow weary when faced with so much filth,unfiltered desire,animalistic drive.
We're not dust,we're mud-slippery,sly,choking blends of perdition.What good is knowing everything when you're less than nothing?Even the smallest cut could make us fall...
We have no purpose because there is no purpose to this charade.
We're puppets,we're drunkards,we're the barren wombs of today.
I want to forget...

Bacovia and other wonders

Faptul ca ma trezesc la 6:15 in fiecare zi de luni mi se pare un echivalent al Purgatoriului.

Am zile cand sunt foarte prezenta (din toate punctele de vedere) si zile cand sunt extrem de absenta (din toate punctele de vedere).

Sunt cursuri in facultatea asta care o salveaza in ochii mei-caci ce poate fi mai frumos ca un profesor carismatic sa petreaca o ora citind poezii de-ale lui Bacovia ?Magic,magic,magic...

Desigur,sunt si cursuri la care iti raman urme de palme pe barbie si de pleoape pe ochi,dar nimic nu e perfect pe lume...

Sunt un parazit perfect:mananc "pachetelul" altora,citesc cartile altora,respir aerul altora-ce sa mai!

Ziua de luni este cea mai naspa pentru ca imi scurge toate puterile din mine,desi nici n-am inceput bine saptamana.

Romane fara sfarsit,cat o sa ma mai chinuiti voi pe mine?!

Nici sa mananc nu-mi mai place.

As fi tentata sa spun ca a fost o dezinsectie impresionanta,dar mi-e frica sa nu mi se faca rau de la atata ironie.

E tare suparator sa ai atata treaba de facut si niciun chef la dispozitie.

Prietenii al caror corp pare special conceput pentru imbratisari sunt prieteni care trebuie neaparat pastrati.

Oare,daca ma chinui suficient de tare sa-mi enervez inconstientul,il voi visa pe Bacovia? 

Stupid bag

Do you ever feel like your brain thinks too much about too many things at the same time?And that this renders your body unable to breathe?
That's how this entire day was for me,even though it couldn't have been more plain and normal.It's the simple things that get to you,mark my words...
For example,I bought a bag today-my very first ladylike (very big and very black) bag.It wasn't a whim-my entire being dictated that I should own a "mature" accessory.I know it sounds at least insane,but I'm dead serious.
I'm expecting change-I'm even demanding it from myself.Am I finally growing up?This scares me and I cannot help but feel like a biological parasite.
Why?Because,while I keep getting older,yet still remaining young,it seems as if I'm drawing all my energy from those around me.
My father's hair glows white and his face looks awfully tired.My mother is as thin as a twig.My grandmother doesn't hear all that well anymore and complains about knee pain all the time.
I don't...I don't want to live in a world where I'm blooming and they're withering,I really don't.It's unfair and terrifying and I want to start all over again.
I feel like my chest is about to cave in on itself.Stupid,stupid,stupid bag.

Inner sting

Cum sa nu-ti fie drag de colegii din camin care se pun pe taclale la 4 dimineata pe hol,cum?!
Urasc din toata inima sa spun asta,dar parca incep sa ma obisnuiesc putin cu rutina asta academica de sambata dimineata (dar nu sunt suficient de masochista incat sa aberez ca-mi si place).
Cand n-ai chef sa citesti in maxi,te uiti pe geam si te minunezi de farmecul primaverii.
Oare exista placere mai mare decat sa dai banii pe cadouri pentru altii? (Nu cred,chiar nu cred).
Pot sa sterg de pe lista "de salutat o mascota amuzanta in timp ce merg cu masina".
O foame atat de crunta se "stinge" cu un pranz pe masura.
Se vede ca a venit caldura:ne-am "mutat" cu totii la soare,de la cel mai mare pana la cel mai pisic.
Locul de sub visinul inmugurit,povesti,intelegeri tacite-sunt momente ce se cristalizeaza singure in curgerea timpului,momente pe care nu le mai poate rapi nimeni din memorie.
Cafea,TV si "certuri" amuzante cu fratele-elementele ideal de explozive pentru sambata dupa-amiaza.
The Neighbourhood merge pe fundal cu niste papoy nelinistiti,o masa foarte British si o sedinta de croitorie.
M-a prins oboseala din urma:ma inteapa corpul pe peste tot,iar mamaia insista sa vorbeasca despre (marele si necunoscutul) viitor.
Nici bolnava nu m-am culcat asa devreme...

Blue skirt

Nu credeam sa apuc ziua cand avea sa ma scoale soarele zelos din geam in loc de alarma.

Sunt bune diminetile in care imi beau cafeaua mai putin grabita.

Sa infloreasca pomii,sa infloreasca!

Sa te coordonezi cu toate prietenele in tonuri de albastru-asta da realizare simpatica!

Uneori,faculatea asta poate sa fie chiar amuzanta ea asa...

Cate palme sa-ti dai la un singur seminar,cate?!

Pacat ca oamenii faini au cursurile vinerea la naiba in praznic(temporal).

"Sa te plimbi de la facultate pana la camin pe langa Dambovita-asta e visul!"-numai daca m-ar asculta si pe mine fusta...

Nu ma lasati singura la supermarket,imi voi da toti banii pe chipsuri si bere.

Urasc sa ma ocup de curatenie,dar imi place sentimentul de satisfactie de dupa.
(*cough cough*) Am dezghetat frigiderul in seara asta (*coughing intensifies*).
Imi simt talpile in flacari si sufletul cam prea pustiu.
Un set de highlightere roz-verzi,un teanc de cursuri,The Neighbourhood live-asa imi petresc eu vinerea singuratica si trista.
E ceva magic si infricosator la atmosfera din camera atunci cand sunt doar eu in ea.
Maine ma duc acasa,maine ma duc acasa...

A book a day...

Astazi nu am facut decat sa citesc.
Avand in vedere ca joia asta a fost libera-pentru ca viata mea e chiar asa de naspa incat sa am joi liber si sambata cursuri- ce sa faca si Adriana?Sa-si beleasca ochelarii la un roman de 635 de pagini pentru un optional (obligatoriu),ce sa faca...
Pozitionata strategic langa frigider si geam,am repetat ciclul mancat-baut-citit pana cand a devenit aproximativ ridicol.
Nu stiu ce parere aveti voi,dar "Jocul cu margele de sticla" al lui Hesse nu m-a captivat atat de tare incat sa nu-mi vina sa-l arunc in celalalt colt al camerei.Vorba aia,obosesti citind pana si ce-ti place,ce sa mai zicem de ceva impus (si greoi)?
Uneori,simt ca tot ce fac e facut in van.Ca nu ma ajut nici macar pe mine printr-o multitudine de mini-sacrificii pe care ma incapatanez sa le duc pana la capat.Ca sunt o Proasta cu "P" si ca sunt singura vinovata de asta.
Normal ca nu am terminat acest "monstru",dar am tras de mine suficient incat sa vad "in ape".
Si astazi era ziua cand trebuia sa ma plimb prin parc, cu amicele la brat si toata povestea-cum iti strica viata raceala,recuperarile si Facultatea de Litere!
Dumnezeu (si Hesse) cu mila...

Another (college) day

Poate ca si eu m-am saturat de rutina obositoare.
Poate ca e inca prea de dimineata.
Poate ca nu am timp sa citesc tot ce mi se propune.
Poate ca nu toti suntem atat de destepti pe cat parem.
Poate ca ar merge (inca) o cafea acum.
Poate ca e prea gol amfiteatrul de chipuri cunoscute.
Poate ca am prietene mult prea sexy.
Poate ca unii profesori ma plictisesc teribil.
Poate ca m-am saturat de xeroxuri si bani risipiti.
Poate ca n-ar mai trebui sa "latru" la patiserie.
Poate ca vreau si eu sa ma indragostesc acum
Poate ca  nu-i chiar asa de naspa Bucurestiul.
Poate ca nu mai suport nici eu sala de lectura.
Poate ca e prea liniste in jur,totusi.
Poate ca vreau cumva acasa,dar in trecut.
Poate ca o sa imbatranesc degeaba.
Poate ca n-au inflorit degeaba zarzarii.
Poate ca ma ingras pe zi ce trece.
Poate ca n-ar mai trebui sa fiu atat de lenesa.
Poate ca unele melodii sunt facute pentru a fi planse.
Poate ca dreptatea nu este de partea niciuneia.
Poate ca m-am saturat de responsabilitati.
Poate ca nu vreau sa incep un roman de 600 de pagini.
Poate ca as vrea sa fiu in patul meu acum.
Poate ca vreau prea multe.
Poate ca...poate.

Little perks

Not getting enough sleep is a problem;getting too much sleep is also a problem;everything seems to be a problem nowadays.
I ended up with this weird habit of only drinking my coffee halfway,leaving the rest for when I get back from college-weird,I know.
Why is life so hard and school so dumb and why are people the way that they are?!
On the bright side,talking with your seminar teacher about Ginsberg first thing in the morning might just make your entire day worthwhile.
Technology can be such an enjoyable sin,though.
Minty candy,sleepy faces,rushed words-yep,I'm in the right place,alright!
I feel so much better now that I know the road from college to my dorm on foot-suck on that,subway!
Now,I deserve a little entertainment in the form of emotional drama,don't I? (*cough* "Teen Wolf"&"My Mad Fat Diary" *cough*)
All I do is eat and whine lately,but I'm surprisingly OK with that.
Talking to good friends about things can be such a soothing balm for the soul sometimes.
Calling back home is always the perk of my evening,even though we only talk about the same things over and over again(boring lives,what can one do?)
How is it even possible to be this tired?

Discovering the (not so) obvious

Am avut norocul ca astazi sa am parte de o discutie cel putin...revelatoare,sa spun asa.
Detaliile conversatiei nu sunt chiar atat de importante-ideea este ca,pentru prima oara in foarte mult timp,mi-am constientizat maturizarea graduala.Bine,sa nu exageram,sa-i zicem..."imbatranire cu rost".
Oricum,sunt semne mici (dar cheie!) care demonstreaza asta.De exemplu,nu mai am poze cu ai mei prin camera de camin -cele cu papoy nu se pun pentru ca papoy.
Parca m-am mai impacat putin cu faptul ca ajung sambata dimineata acasa,plec duminica la pranz si dorm jumatate din timp.
Cand sunt acasa,nu mai "tin cu dintii" la tot ce e in jur,desi mi-e locul cel mai drag de pe lume.
Nu stiu,parca ma incearca o graba nedorita-simt nevoia sa fac,sa am,sa devin.Intr-un fel,este inevitabil-viata este inevitabila,daca e s-o luam asa.
Dar nu sunt nici fericita,nici trista.Sunt confuza.N-am trecut granita bine in nicio directie si ma balansez pe o muchie incerta.
Totusi,3 lucruri sunt clare:1.camera asta a devenit doar un spatiu tranzitoriu,plin cu mobila (and I really do mean that);2.ma simt mai singura ca oricand,instrainata chiar si de mine; 3.e inca al naibii de frig seara,chiar si pentru martie!

Tense/Intense

five tight ropes for senses

Nu stiu,sunt zile cand ma simt intinsa la maxim,fara nicio explicatie logica,plauzibila sau usor de dres cu ajutorul cafelei.Parca mi-a acordat cineva simturile astfel incat sa rezoneze cu fiecare stimul,indiferent de cat de mic ar fi el.Pe scurt,sunt nervoasa,trista si fatalista,toate in acelasi timp.
Nu m-a suparat nimeni,ba dimpotriva-daca stau atat de putin pe acasa,oamenii mai fac un compromis pe aici.Totusi,nu stiu ce sa ma fac,unde sa ma asez sa se linisteasca toata apa tulbure din mine mai repede.
Ca nu vreau sa plec la camin,asta e de la sine inteles.Dar ce sa faci?Cu cine sa te bati?Raspunsul:cu tine,cel mai des.
Sunt un balon frecat de covor si electrizat pana la epuizare.Sunt o razatoare care a ruginit de monotonie.Sunt un bagaj cu manerele tocite de greutate.Sunt un om care habar nu are cum sa mai fie om,cum sa functioneze corect in vederea acestui statut.
Pentru o viata atat de plictisioare,se pare ca lumea mea emotionala vrea/stie sa compenseze major.
Sa se stinga lumina.Sa se dea pe "mute" volumul.Sa se arunce florile.Sa se spele farfuriile.Sa se arunce manusile.Vreau sa ma odihnesc...

Hold my bones together

sunt zile
cand mi se vad printre coaste cusaturile
si zile
cand ma impung ace pe sub piele
si zile
cand simt ca mor in timp ce scriu
si zile
cand dau din cap ca un mort pustiu
si zile
cand nu stiu sa spun ca ma doare
si zile
cand fiecare gand fertil din mine moare
si zile
cand imi vine sa dorm fara alarma sau plamani
si zile
cand parca as lua Universul la pumni
si zile
cand n-am ceasuri sa traiesc
si zile
cand urasc amar faptul ca iubesc
si zile
cand imi prepar cafeaua cu scrum
si zile
cand sunt convinsa de fericirea unui nebun
si zile
cand trebuie altcineva sa-mi tina oasele la un loc

Friday cupcakes

I despise waking up before the sun does with an unparalleled power.
If you're so hungry,stomach,why do you feel like puking,huh?
I can't believe I'm starting my Friday morning off with gorgeous Michelangelo sculptures-it's too good to be true.
I can't believe it's just four of us in this classroom-well,five,if you count the professor.
I can't believe I'm wearing lace and see-through blouses-when did I get so confident?
It's that time of the week when the only thing keeping me going is the thought of a parallel Universe.
Dare I say I now have a witness to my "pulmonary ordeal"?
I feel like a headless chicken right now-what do I do first?!
Shopping is exhausting when you don't know what to buy first,second and last.
Great,another day of me showering with a cockroach at my feet-am I that aesthetically pleasing to bugs?If only those bugs were boys...
I don't think I've ever traveled for so long on the subway in one round.
Ah,what a lovely home,what a lovely friend!
Music,delicious cupcakes,frustrating TV shows,refreshing balcony,stupid jokes,"Kill your darlings"-this is how memories are made.
If only I weren't such a wreck,so that I could enjoy it more...

What even...

I feel like punching someone in the groin right now.
I don't know what's gotten into me,but I suddenly feel so angry and against the world that it's kinda scary.Maybe it's one of those days when you don't have the energy or willingness to put up with bullshit anymore,but it kinda sucks.
I don't want my friends to suffer because of this (in any way,shape or form),but I can't help the urge to shout and flail my arms around and be a general prick.I guess nature won over nurture this time...
What's even more frightening is the thought of my constant streak of kindness being merely a mask I put on-even in front of myself-to hide what I truly am:a downright bitch.I don't know,I really don't know anymore...
I pity those who had to stomach me today because I would have slapped myself from here to Mars if I were them.
Hey,I'm only human and,as we all know,humans have a tendency of being...well,pretty much awful at times.
Somebody should smack some sense into me-and I know a handful of such individuals more than eager to line up for the job.
Maybe I should listen to some music or have a piece of chocolate or punch a wall,I don't know...
What's wrong with me?What even?!

"Hamlet",spring,lungs

Desi facultatea pe care mi-am ales-o o sa ma bage eventual in groapa (fizic,psihic si financiar),mai sunt si zile cand ma amuza si/sau ma incanta teribil.Mai rad la cate o gluma impartasita cu o prietena pe holurile pustii ale diminetii,mai dau peste cate un profesor fain,mai citesc niste critica total degajata si interesanta.De exemplu,cine s-ar fi gandit sa afirme ca Hamlet "was hot for his uncle"?Fantastic.Sunt si zile cand (aproape) nu regret...

Surpriza si miracol,a venit primavara.Nu in sala de lectura,desigur,unde paltonul isi pastreaza inca locul de onoare.E mai cald,mai frumos,oamenii sunt mai vioi.As vrea sa fiu la tara acum,unde totul e mai curat si mai liber...Dar cu dorinta raman,din pacate.Drumul meu e metroul si campul-Piata Universitatii.Inchid ochii din mers si,sperand sa nu ma lovesc de cineva,incerc sa absorb toata bunatatea soarelui...

Imi vine sa-mi scot plamanii din piept si sa-i arunc pe geam -macar asa ar avea parte de aer...M-am saturat de "parfumuri acre" si "valuri de caldura".Mare,marea,un colt de mare-ce n-as da sa fiu acum la mare!Valuri sarate,scoici neobosite,linistea aceea aglomerata...Nu aici,unde simt ca nu apartin si ca ma descompun sistematic,alaturandu-ma mediului deja corupt.Ptiu!

Old habits

Though it seems like something very unlikely,I really do feel like I got a good night's sleep last night around here (thank you,new mattress!).
Not to jinx...well,myself,but I'm proud of still being able to find joy in small things like breakfast or coffee or a breath of fresh air.
I love English with all my heart,but I hate the way in which some people choose to basically massacre it.
I'm getting more and more "motherly" by the day.
Being a mindreader would be so helpful on some occasions.
I'm tired of biscuits and candy-I want to be able to eat real food in the middle of the day,for Heaven's sake!
I need to go out more and meet more lovely boys,that's a fact.
I've never felt so safe and happy holding someone else's hand.
These words are so beautiful and meaningful,yet they pass me like foreign and angry butterflies...
"Home"-what a smothering den,what a loveless mishap of life as I thought I knew it...
It appears that old habits-as in long naps and stuffing oneself with food when given the occasion-are not easy to be forgotten...
I refuse to watch any more TV shows because they make me angry and sad.
Why would I even think about cursing the age I've been born in?
A book before sleep is like already starting to dream...

Like a stone

Ma scufund in mine insami cu fiecare zi de luni ce mi se arunca pe umeri ca o stanca.
Totul este greu si matinal si de un sarcasm lugubru,de parca somnul mi-ar fi o paiata,iar sanatatea-noua atractie a circului.Oare cand am sa invat ca nu au nicio putere asupra mea-inainte sau dupa ce imi voi aduna creierul dintre degete?
Din afara,totul pare sec;din ochiul miezului,povara atarna mai greu si mult mai luminos.E tare greu atunci cand in jur miroase a furtuna,atunci cand vrei sa pari un fulg celorlalti.
Fara sa vrei,iti fuge mintea la roua din gradina bunicii si la zilele bicicletei si la dupa-amiezile in care usa este deschisa succesiv de chipuri dragi si nu-ti vine sa plangi,desi ai vrea.Problema este ca nu poti.
Ma coc printre parfumuri acre,iar tacerea nu lasa loc unui armistitiu-sincer,nu cred ca e dorit...de nicio parte.Totusi,trebuie sa invat sa inot,piatra sau nu.Sa descopar cand trebuie sa ma agat miseleste de o gazda usoara si cand sa las valurile hazardului sa ma poarte catre alt ocean temporal.
Universul a ajuns sa-mi fie drag pentru ca,asemenea unui bunic meticulos,pune toate lucrurile la locul lor.
Cu mintea educata,mai trebuie doar ca trupul sa invete rugaciunea...

Confused denial

Confuzia initiala a zilei: "de ce nu m-ai facut,Doamne,baiat?!".Mother Nature is a bitch,I can assure you of that.
De ce stau eu atat de putin acasa?!Mai ales ca jumatate din timpul asta il petrec dormind sau motaind,fiind "secatuita" de puteri "gratie" facultatii si vietii (in general).
As vrea sa pot pune in bagaje si pisoii,mai ales ca ei tot dau tarcoale gentilor.
Eu tot traiesc cu impresia ca mai e o zi la mijloc-mai am nevoie de o zi...
M-a invadat o dragoste imensa fata de toti si de toate de aici- nu mai vreau,nu mai vreau,nu mai vreau sa plec...
Oare cat sa indure omul de dragul unui moft?
"Sa le manance mama pe Misha si pe Grasa?Sa le manance cu tot cu coada!"
Tren,carte,drum,bagaj,drum,cheie,camera-deja devine ridicol,ma jur!
"Multumita" caldurii din camera,draga mea zambila roz n-a avut nicio sansa la geam.
Sa nu-ti bagi picioarele in ele toate?!
"Vreau sa le fac pe toate si nu ajung niciodata sa fac nimic"-adica povestea vietii mele.
Singura mea consolare in momentul acesta sunt Arctic Monkeys si drumurile pe hol.
Nu sunt pregatita pentru saptamana care urmeaza,asa cum nu sunt pregatita niciodata...
Ma asteapta o noapte..."fierbinte".

Crash and melt

Nu stiti ce inseamna Iadul pana cand nu va treziti la 6:15 sambata pentru ca aveti UN CURS de la 8,mai ales cand sunteti atat de obositi incat va este fizic rau.
Desi nu prea pot/obisnuiesc,astazi am citit in maxi,ceea ce m-a ajutat sa-mi iau ochii si mintea de la domnul mai agitat decat o pisica de langa mine.
Fondurile din ce in ce mai scazute nu ma impiedica sa cumpar martisoare pentru "reginele" mele,adica mama si bunica.
Ce poate fi mai frumos pe lume ca fratele tau intampinandu-te cu chiocei?
Camera mea,mancare,cald,familie,papoy-e bine,e tare bine.
"Hannibal" a devenit,mai nou,serialul meu de siesta si cafea.
Nu poti sa ai parte de o clipa linistita in casa asta,dar nu pot sa ma supar,nu astazi...
O portie de ras dupa-amiaza e tot ce recomanda doctorul (pe care nu l-am mai vizitat de ceva vreme).
As vrea sa am parte de mai multe momente fara nicio grija pe lume,momente ca cel de acum...
As vrea ca bunica sa nu mai fie trista ca nu prea sunt pe acasa,dar nu pot sa-i cer ceea ce nici eu nu pot sa fac.
As vrea sa ma transform intr-un cantec si sa invadez Universul.
M-a obligat frate-meu sa vad "The LEGO movie" si bine a facut.
Nu vreau sa dorm,vreau sa mai profit,vreau mai mult timp-dar sunt o leguma ambulanta...

Gasping for minutes

I never imagined I would find comfort in opening a window first thing in the morning.

I can't say I got to enjoy my coffee thoroughly,but it beats drinking it in the dark.

I wish I had more courage and more brain inside this thick skull.

Why do I feel sick in the most unfortunate and inappropriate moments of all time?

College is making me want to eat everything in sight.

Not everything is boring around here,but I'm too tired to even care anymore.

I made up for it by stealing a street glance.

Why did I ever think I could do so many things in so little time?!

Too many subway rides in one afternoon make it all seem like a trip down a steel sea.

This wind is screaming "winter!" and I'm starting to feel disgusted by books.

Too much to buy,too little money,far too grumpy stomach.

A good (and quick) meal makes it all better.

Same books,same wind,same subway.

My hair can be so (annoyingly) curly sometimes!

A "girl's night out" at the mall was all I needed after a hectic day like this: I still had to walk my soles off from store to store,but I ended up with gorgeous shoes,so that evens things out.

Laughing,joking and gossiping in the rain.

Late snack and pained bones.

What a strange and awesome day it has been!

Burning Hell

What have I been doing lately,you ask?Breeding germs,apparently.Or incubating them,to be more precise.
No,not me,I'm still healthy (bless the Heavens!)-my "darling" roommate is experiencing a bad case of the flu/cold/whatever.
Now,of course you can't control being sick and all that,I'm not being irrational about it-but I honestly do believe one could have the decency of covering one's mouth when one is sneezing or coughing,especially when the latter actions have an alarming rate of occurrence 24/7.I'll go as far as saying it's about that forgotten "common sense".
And not to mention the opening of the window issue!Because God forbid we get rid of the stale atmosphere and disease just floating around here!I keep opening it,she keeps closing it back again.
I wish I had more guts and knew how to make myself heard in front of bratty children.I have this gut feeling that any small suggestion would turn into a hurricane again...
I don't want to hurt anyone,far from me such a thing;it's just increasingly hard dealing with things when communication utterly lacks.It became so much that I had to go out and call my dad,I was this close to tears...
I cannot wait to go home and forget I'm paying for my sins starting with this life.

Raindrops on an umbrella

sunt doar picaturi de ploaie,
infinitati goale
pe spite murdare,
ganduri barbare
din umbra

umbrela ma fereste credula,
o coasta rupta
din luna,
amica tacuta dintr-o tesatura
bleumarin

sunt zile tare imbacsite,
parca roase de termite,
nascatoare de invidii mocnite
si priviri incolacite
incruntat

vreau sa ma stiu acasa,
asezata seara la masa,
cu pisica torcand somnoroasa
pe sub patura pufoasa
a trecutului

o carte in mana te ajuta sa fugi,
in tine sa te ascunzi
de cate ori simti ca te-afunzi,
o vraja din hartie si pungi
cu sangeranda cerneala

sunt doar picaturi de ploaie,
desi nu pare asa...

Just too much!

I offer my body on the altar
of strangeness-
may flowers grow out of my weariness,
may gods sprout from my aching bones,
may justice blossom above my empty
eye sockets

I'm numb and I'm dumb,
an emotional garden,
an exhausted forest,
a drunken version of spring
in which seems to be
a forgotten autumn

the vase in which they keep me
resembles a formal cage
and my limbs have nowhere to curl,
my soul is bereft of the sun,
while windy hours leave my
rooted consciousness with no time
to settle down

they need me human,
while I am all above,below
and in between,
a storm
which they have cut and shaped
into the perfect drought

so I offer my body on the altar
of strangeness-
to shape and to save
before I am
no more

Pushing through

another week of "pushing through"
desires and aches and damnation
in the form of free will

Monday has its claws
upon my back,
digging a path between
meaty furrows
and crackling ribs

when a child,I used to think
time was a friend
and companion-
my twenty first circle upon
a skeleton's tree
demands its clocks and innocence
back

a storm erupts each time
my alarm marks the birth
of yet another challenge
and I can't help but look for
molten hours
flowing from the red phone

the same people,
the same chores,
the same questions-
I keep pushing through,
always pushing through,
though uncertain
whether I really want to.

Moving changes

Desi m-a trezit tati cu toata grija din lume la ora 8,mie tot imi venea sa plang.
Deja mi-e dor de tot si nici n-am plecat.
Un portbagaj cu arhitectura bizara presupune un drum cu minibarul in poala.
Sa speram ca ploaia aceasta insistenta prevesteste belsug.
"Familie-camera.Camera-familie."
Sa spunem "ADIO!" regimului-teroare provocat de salteaua-camin si "BINE AI VENIT!" imbratisarii saltelei-noi.
Prefer mai bine sa ma instalez-niciodata nu m-am dat in vant dupa vizitele la rude "in grup".
Nici azi nu ma lasi in pace,motaiala de dupa-amiaza?!
Aerul din camera asta zici ca e incapatanat-nu se curata niciodata!
Mi-e din ce in ce mai greu sa spun "la revedere!",iar atmosfera mizerabila nu ma ajuta deloc.
O vizita cu ghiocei prin vecini inalta spiritele si amana situatii penibile.
Conversatiile cu amicii si muzica buna sunt adevarate mici-miracole.
Oboseala isi spune cuvantul,iar noua saptamana nu asteapta pe nimeni sa-si revina...
De ce nu-mi bag eu mai des picioarele in chestiile pe care nu pot si nu pot sa le fac,nu stiu!?
Sunt bine,totul e bine-daca ei sunt bine,atunci sunt si eu.
Zambila roz din geam ma face sa zambesc.
Sa speram ca noaptea aceasta va fi mai bine si mai buna...

Too little time

Nu stiu ce se intampla semestrul asta,insa "divinitatea academica" a decis ca unii dintre noi sa aiba ore la engleza sambata.
Cand am vazut prima oara,mi-a venit sa plang,ma jur!Dar,oricat as da eu din maini si din gura,situatia tot nu se schimba.
Asa ca ma "conformez":ma scol la 6:15 SAMBATA,ma duc la curs intre 8:00 si 10 fara ceva,ma sui intr-un maxi si ma duc la mine acasa.Nu cred ca mai trebuie precizat faptul ca rutina asta o sa ma transforme (eventual) intr-o epava ambulanta.O zi aveam si eu de viata normala de om,O ZI!Caci duminica e pierduta prin definitie(bagaje,alt drum,etc.).
Cu toate acestea,planuiesc sa profit maxim de cele cateva ore acasa:mancare,leneveala,TV,papoy,timp cu familia si placerea de a sta intr-o camera singura.
Deja imi vine sa ma "jelesc cu vorbe"-maine duc frigiderul la camin,ceea ce inseamna ca plecam devreme cu masina,ceea ce inseamna ca n-am parte saptamana asta nici macar de o zi intreaga pe aici.Doamne,da-mi putere.
Dar azi e azi si maine e maine.Desi sunt epuizata,mai am putere inca sa ma bucur de lucrurile bune si oamenii speciali de care sunt inconjurata.
Timpul pare scurt,dar ramane pretios.

Reward of the patient

In one way or another,college has reduced me to a (somewhat) polite animal.

I try not to groan (too much) when waking up early in the morning.Coffee and food are the only things keeping me going.I try not to hiss (with sarcasm) when teachers make me want to throw myself out the window.My screaming reduces to an internal and concealed version of itself when seeing a "gorgeous creature of the Lord".I try to form social ties by giving my friends candy and bullying them all the time.My energy levels are at an all time low around noon,when I start running out of sustenance (crackers).When a course becomes too boring,self-preservation kicks in by means of daydreaming.When "escaping" college,the opportunity of a feast (provided by my local supermarket) is not to be denied.Being alone on a Friday night means that I can eat how I want,when I want and how much I want to,provided I don't let my tears soak up the bread.With a full tummy and empty tear ducts,I can enjoy the miracle of virtual information (cat videos and music).

Though I'd rather be at home right now,tomorrow is only a night away.I will be patient.

I've become a polite animal...more or less... 

(Almost) Lost day

soarele rasare ingamfat
atunci cand urmeaza sa pierzi ziua
cu ore goale,insirate pe o ata
care lumineaza caraghios

te pierzi in visarea
ce se naste din tacere
si-ti doresti sa ai la indemana
un radio cu glas strident

prea mult efort se prabuseste
in calea marelui Nimic
si mie-mi pare ca lumea
mi se invarte in zadar astazi

ma dor talpile cand calc,
ma doare puloverul rosu pe spate,
ma doare cand ii doare pe altii

oare porumbeii isi dau seama
ca ii urmaresc,dorindu-le
mari de paine franta
si un balcon divin din orhidee?

ma gandesc la trecut
ca la o perla,
iar eu sunt scoica-n carnea careia
firele de nisip stralucesc nostalgic

o zi ca cea de astazi
are parca un nod grosolan in mijloc

Too much,not enough

I'm starting to believe I'm part of one massive joke that has everybody laughing but me.I always seem to be in some ridiculous situation or questioning my every decision made so far.Is it fair?I cannot say.Is it helpful?Maybe.Anyway,it's nice knowing I have a handful of friends who are willing to help me get through this...thing.Not knowing what to call it doesn't help at all...God,give me strength!

You may call me a downright loser,but today has marked my very first visit to a mall ever.I was,for lack of a stronger word,unimpressed because there were too many clothes and so much less excitement.But today also marked me seeing my first 3D movie (*cough cough* "The Hobbit:The Desolation of Smaug") and I'm still drunk on the awesomeness and epicness of it.It's good to have friends determined enough to drag you out of the house...

Have you ever felt so horrible as a human being that you didn't know where to hide from yourself?Because that's how I'm feeling right now.Yes,I have betrayed somebody's trust and I feel sick to my stomach about it.I don't know what's gotten into me,except sheer stupidity,maybe.And it sucks immensely-I am the only one to blame,I have no excuse,I fucked up.And I deserve all this torment...and then some.

Slow it down!

what I need right now is
for my alarm clock to shut the fuck up
and the subway to be less nauseating
and for this building to be less gloomy
and this teacher to go away
and for my life not to be wasted
and my friends to never leave me
and for the neon lights to stop stinging
and that woman to speak more slowly
and for my hand not to let go of the pen
and to stop feeling exhausted
and for winter to go away
and this room to smell better
and for this silence to dissipate
and my bones to stop crackling
and for the clocks to slow it down
and my eyes to see more
and for this bed to stop being awful
and people to forget how to be mean
and for books to be shorter
and boys to be nicer
and for the week to be over
and my place at the home table to be filled
and for the world to cease running
and my stomach to stop wanting,
this is what I need right now

Verdict:no

There's no chance of me surviving this new academic semester.No way,no how.
This was my first official day back and it felt more like drowning while wanting to sleep,all at the same time.There is too much stuff to be done,there are absolutely too many demands and,as usual,there is not much time at hand.
People are so cocky and jumpy,though!As if my life revolved around accomplishing petty tasks that honestly make me want to pop my eyes out of my sockets.Unfortunately,by doing all that it asked of me,I wouldn't even have the energy to do that...
I know I willingly signed in for this "Faculty of Letters" thing,but I don't think it's physically possible to read that many books in one week.I'd need an extra pair of eyes and brain and the lot-I'd need a twin.But would she/he be so stupid as to join me here?I think not.
So I remain alone,imaginary twin or not,to battle paper-dragons and course-ghouls.I'm so drained of energy right now,you couldn't get me to run for my own life.Why would I,anyway?Don't answer that...
Tomorrow doesn't look brighter either,so I'll just have to pray and hope my mind and body won't fail me.But wishful thinking never did get me that far...
Verdict?Categoric:no.

I'm trying

I'm trying to think about all of this as a game.

It's an unpleasant one-which kinda defeats the purpose of a "game" from the start,but one which I must nonetheless play.The rules are: there are bags to be packed,"goodbyes" to be said,trains to be caught,other cities to be visited for almost a week or so at a time.

How I hate it,I really do!Especially with all that tension which is to be expected...Good friends help in the process.So does the thought of coming back.But it all feels so pointless sometimes that I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

I've had a wonderful week to rest and gather myself around a core once more,but it seems I need years to mentally prepare myself for...whatever this is.Me trying to be better in the future by loathing the present?A chosen path?One of life's many trials?Beats me...

All I know is that I got onto the same blue train and I got to the same room and that I have the same pit in my stomach which tells me it's no good.I'm not good.

You may think I'm dramatic and overreacting,but no.The difference is that I will try to make the best of my week in one way or another.

I'm trying to think about all of this as a game...

Future longing

It already pains me to think or try to imagine it,but I will miss beyond words all of this.The comfort,the security,the idea of being in a space that is more "me" than I am myself.
I will have to face people who know me only from a stolen glance of time,a far cry from those who have helped me grow from nothing to man.It's like a blanket of anxiety has clung to my shoulders in a moment of confusion,leaving me to stand among the ruins of a fallen pseudo-hero.
Should I break my ties or simply let the thread unwind some more kilometers?
It's hard living half-lives,with pieces of you scattered all over the place-who is to guarantee you'll ever find them again anymore?
Oh,why do I insist on spoiling my little crumb of happiness with things that might not even happen?For the future is tricky,you know-though it often overlaps with the present,there's a certain degree of chaos that might creep in at any point.Happy thoughts,happy thoughts,bucketloads of happy thoughts.
I'm still here.I still have time.I can't fully control tomorrow,so I settle for what's in front of me:a life I've always cherished somehow.I should leave this "future longing" to its rightful place.
Right now,all I have to do is breathe...

Domestic overdrive

Oh,how I will miss these lazy mornings in a week or so!
Why is eating in the morning so damn hard,while the urge to drink coffee has become overpowering?
I wish I had somebody to make me playlists all the time because I'm a bad influence on my emotions.
I don't mind helping people-I mind it when I'm told the same instructions ten times over,when I'm seen as incompetent,when I'm looked upon like an idiot.
I think being nice to old people is intrinsically required.
The weather is still gloomy and strong,a cursing/blessing for my out of shape lungs.
I almost forgot why I watch so many damn TV shows:because,that way,I get to live more than I've (ever) bargained for.
Advice of the day:never cook for others because you will end up stressed,depressed and silly smelling (even though you are a bit awesome at cooking).
When people ask me why I drink so much coffee,I just stare at them and sip uncomfortably out of my "mustache" mug.
I'm doing my English homework on a Friday night because my life is fabulous like that.
Watching TV with the family,"training" the cats,laughing our imaginary hats off-that's how the good life looks and feel like!
I declare a personal sense of pride in the bands I chose to obsess over.
I'm tired and sleepy and ready to conquer the world...of dreams,that is.

Gloomy laziness

this bed smells like stale dreams
and I just can't bear to look at food
and my hands sting with menthol
and my brother sings along with me
and the windows are gray
and my feet don't want to walk
and my coffee tastes like ashes
and I woke up wanting to stay
and I only care for distant people
and my thighs are as blue as my jeans
and my George has grown so tall
and my spine can sigh in relief
and my toes look for comfort
and I'd rather not peek outside
and I'm mad at myself for being mad
and the pillows are squirming with fluff
and I'm such a child
and I should clean my room
and I've forgotten how to properly feel
and all the plants are dead
and I'm in lust with a phantasm
and this place is warm
and I'm afraid to make plans
and this movie is making me itchy
and I could drink another coffee
and this is where the page ends

Red fingers

Never deny your body as many hours of sleep as it demands-even if you're left with aching bones and a bad temper.
Never force breakfast and never skip your morning coffee-you'll regret it when you're 50,but you're not that confident about reaching 50 either.
Never tell the people you love mean things,even if you're somehow right or not.
Never apologize for being in a bad mood.
Never consider you've taken enough bags when going shopping-you haven't,I can assure you of that.
Never shy away from yelling at small children who have no idea how to properly play with snow.
Never let your grandma trick you into going out.
Never follow the urge to slap random and impolite strangers on the street.
Never tell yourself "I have too many carrots at home".
Never get angry at people because of their age,issues or quirks.
Never buy so much stuff that you have to keep telling yourself that "Pain is only temporary" on the way home .
Never blame red fingers.
Never let a cursed headache ruin your afternoon,no matter how bloody much it tries to do so.
Never refuse a friend because there are moments you can never make again.
Never deny yourself an impromptu karaoke session,even if you're the only one singing.
Never tell yourself you're too old to be happy about small things.
Never say "never" because it usually maddens the Universe.

Little adult

Not to brag or anything,but I really did feel like an adult today and a little bit more confident than usual.
Owing to that "domestic brawl" from a couple of days ago,I'm now in need of something to put my food in,right?So,with the help of my brother (and the magical place called "the Internet"),I found a local electronics store that had a (cheap) mini-bar/mini-fridge/whatever.
Though my uncle helped me with the moving around part,I handled the whole deal,which made me realize that 1. I really need to get my driver's license this summer and 2. I am a capable human being,who knew?I understand it sounds kind of pathetic,but I'm content with small steps.
Anyway,I've named it "Bubu" and (apparently) it purrs like I kitten.What I need it to do is freeze like a penguin,,but we'll get to that too...eventually.
The main idea I drew from today is that I can do things just right if I put my mind to it and,though I have the same face I had when I was 12,people do take me seriously if I demand that from them.
Of course,I wasted the rest of the afternoon sprawled beneath same comfy blankets,but being a grown up is demanding,give a girl a break here...
Unfortunately,this whole deal means a huge hole in my tattoo budget,but I'll make it right,I always do.
I guess listening to Beyoncé paid off now...

Wind,cookies,headache

It's too early for spring to be here,but this wind tells another story.The lake is frozen in front of me,with a dominant sun encompassing everything around in a yellowish haze.If I close my eyes,I can hear the leaves from a few forgotten trees shuffling and rustling.The air is thick and strong and my lungs are both elated and paralyzed.There's so much to take from this piece of nature,so I soak it all in.For once,something else is howling.

You don't need a lot of friends to be happy,just a handful of really good ones.Friends that will bring you divine cookies and take long walks with you and with whom you can talk about literally everything/anything.These are the people you really want to hold on to,even when it seems impossible or time looks like a monster that doesn't fit under the bed anymore.Especially when the silence between you doesn't feel uncomfortable,but meaningful.And you can only hope that they need you in return.

It's definitely not spring-I feel as if winter in its entirety has rushed to seek shelter between my brains for all eternity,unreasonable and aching as it is.It's amazingly scary how a little bit of pain can render you useless and miserable for the afternoon.And it's really scary when not even coffee can cure you...Stingy eyes,why won't you let me see?I need to see...What an impolite headache.

Freedom pledge

M-am hotarat:saptamana asta chiulesc de la facultate.
Presupun ca imi permit,nu-i asa?Doar mi-am mancat suficient sanatatea,nervii si creierul in mediul ala...academic.Nu,domnule,urmatoarele 5-6 zile vor fi dedicate unui egocentrism exuberant,zile in care voi bea (mult prea multa) cafea buna,ma voi plimba,voi sta in pat pana mi se vor revolta oasele si nu ma voi gandi deloc la "Literele vietii".Acesta este planul,sa speram ca ma "tine" sa ma tin de el...
Nu stiu,sunt obosita si suparata si n-am absolut niciun chef de drama pentru un timp,fie cat de scurt.Plimbarea de azi mi-a intarit aceasta convingere,mai ales ca vremea a fost superba si compania tare inteleapta.Oricum,primele zile sunt de "introducere",bibliografii,crap like that.O sa ma satur de fetele profilor un semestru intreg,asa ca nu ma stresez prea mult pentru faza asta...
Dar eu nu inteleg de ce aberez in continuare pe subiectul respectiv,in conditiile in care am un film de vazut ("Her"),mancare de mancat si pisici de mangaiat-chiar nu inteleg!
Fac un pact cu mine insami chiar acum:sa nu-mi refuz libertatea,fericirea si "rebeliunea" de cate ori am ocazia!
Si,pe aceasta nota semi-revolutionara,urmeaza sa zac precum o lenesa ce sunt intr-o stare de multumire aproape nesimtita...

A full house

Este ciudat si placut cand se aduna toata lumea acasa intr-o zi de sambata.
Este fantastic sa te plimbi dimineata prin oras dupa maruntisuri si un cadou.
Este copilaresc si amuzant sa te bucuri atat de mult pentru niste stickere.
Este obositor sa te tot infrunti cu aerul tare de februarie.
Este greu sa astepti pana se incalzeste cum trebuie cafeaua.
Este hilar sa vezi cum se joaca pisicile cu un ghemotoc de hartie.
Este tare bine sa n-ai nimic de facut dupa atata timp in care aveai prea multe de facut.
Este aproape stupid sa ranjesti de cate ori vezi cana cu "mustata" pe birou.
Este interesant sa te "certi" cu mama prin casa si sa nu poti afisa o fata serioasa in tot timpul acesta.
Este magnific sa asculti Arctic Monkeys la maxim,fara sa-ti pese daca se vor strica bietele casti sau daca deranjezi pe cineva.
Este plictisitor sa lenevesti in pat toata dupa-amiaza,dar cineva trebuie sa o faca si pe asta,nu-i asa?
Este divin sa te scufunzi intr-un pat moale si cald.
Este delicios sa savurezi placinta de mere facuta cu drag.
Este simpatic sa te amuzi cu prietenii pe seama "idiotului" care iti distruge viata.
Este linistitor sa uiti de tine,fie numai pentru putin timp,pe muzica de fundal...
Este frumos sa ai timp sa observi frumusetea din jurul tau.

"Galentine's" Day

Honest to God,I cannot physically drag myself out of bed until 10 a.m.,it's ridiculous!

Having my morning coffee here is like having a nice wish come to life.

I don't mind being a big sister-actually,there are days such as this one when I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cats are giddy and disobedient and fluffy beyond control,I want 100.

Curly hair may seem like a blessing-until it's actually yours to keep and take care of.

It's lovely having friends with whom you can talk about all the crap that's been going on in your life,rant about college,roam the city streets,take pictures in the park and just laugh your sorrows away.

This February sun is being kinder than I thought it would be towards us.

I'm surrounded by witty redheads and breathtaking artists and it's amazing.

Wouldn't you know it:this "Galentine's" Day (as in "Gals",d'uh!),I got candy (for my birthday,that is,owing to the fact that,well,college life is sucky that way);nonetheless, it was awfully nice and orange-y.

I've started drinking coffee in my "mustache" mug and,let me tell you,it has never tasted wiser and more posh.

Sadly,I wasn't able to continue my tradition of watching "Pride and Prejudice" for the millionth time on this day because I'm lazy like that.

To love or not to love-unfortunately,that isn't a question anymore...

Candy for the soul

I had to get out of the house and just do something,for fear I might actually go crazy from thinking things I shouldn't be thinking about...So,I went grocery shopping and,contrary to popular belief,it felt good.
The air was so strong and cold that my lungs seemed at the brink of weeping-whether of joy or pain,I cannot tell.Then,I got to roam aimlessly through the aisles,picking the biggest box of chocolates I could find and some other stuff,pulling faces at ridiculous prices,grinning from ear to ear when coming across a puzzle with Van Gogh's "Irises" stapled on the cover.
For the first time in a long time,I didn't care about the strangers around me and what they might think-I disconnected from my own egocentricity and became a part of something much larger,even impersonal,I might say.
Yes,I am aware that a supermarket is the less glorious place to be having an epiphany in,but you don't get to pick and choose where these things happen,you know...
And no,I don't have a Valentine's date,I just wanted to sweeten my already bitter life,is that too much to ask for?I hope not...
Anyway,I really do hope things will somehow get better.I'm longing for days when I don't have to convince myself I'm fine.
Today was alright.

Drifting inside

I keep thinking about how I never properly said "Farewell!" to any of the beings that have left me so far.And I know it's silly and selfish,but I guess that's life's way of saying "You never know,you never can know"...I've buried so many loved ones inside me that I sometimes feel like a walking cemetery.It's so hard not to care,but does that brief joy outweigh what seems like a lifetime of ache?I don't have an answer for that.I'm choking on ashes once again...

I'm reading "The Fault in our Stars" probably for the third time now and I'm starting to understand how it feels to be drowning when you're nowhere near water.I know the story by heart,yet I rediscover it time and time again,more painful and raw than before...I didn't cry,though-all I could sense was the world's weight crawling inside my chest and gnawing at my insides.That's how Hazel felt.Augustus too...I don't like the sky tonight.

I'm either insane or the world around me has suddenly grown insensitive.Not to state the obvious,but I care a lot about words and how they are used-I myself don't always know how to solve their puzzle,but I try,I always try.Considering not the things that have been said to me,but how they were said,my mouth is lucky there's no gun laying around here...My brain feels like a sponge that only absorbs vile sentiments and drumming sounds...

The hardest "goodbye!"

Today,I had to say "goodbye!" to one of my dearest friends of over 10 years,my darling dog.

I had to find out on my own because nobody had the guts to tell me he passed away on Friday.
So,I went outside and I saw his kennel drawn to the side and covered,the yard empty and silent,a heap of dirt in one corner of his place.I knew right then,though I wish to God I didn't...
My heart sank and it felt like somebody was trying to make a knot out of my lungs.

He was old and he had a good,loving life,I realize that,but...It hurts.It hurts immensely that he won't be greeting me when I come home from college anymore,that I won't see the look of happiness in his eyes when he noticed I was coming to play with him,that it's going to be so much less noise now.And I'll be damned if I won't cry my eyes and heart out today!

I'm angry.I'm furious,even raging,because I'm tired of seeing how the list of dead outweighs that of the living in my prayers and...it's too much sadness.If this carries on,I only have one wish:that I be next.I can't keep piling up pain of any sorts,it's not worth existing this way...

I will miss him.My beloved dog, with his unstoppable,funny personality and the most ridiculous name I ever chose ("Papurică" or "Papi").My friend,please be waiting for me on the other side-I'll be looking for you!

The hardest "goodbye!" is the last and late one you offer...

Misty glass

I don't care about falling
because we remember Icarus
not for his rising,but for his demise

I don't care about curses
because no pair of evil eyes can damn me
more than I have already done myself

I don't care about losing
because every victory of mine
is like a drop in this burning war of time

I don't care about disgrace
because nothing will ever hurt as much
as looking in the mirror

I don't care about strangers
because it's dark outside
and I'm crying against the window

I don't care about others
because love has never brought
me anything but raw heartache

I don't care about not caring
because I know deep inside
that lie I'm cradling

Concerned heart

I think I might be on crack without my consent.
Explanations: last night,I dreamed I had a new teacher whose face looked like it had been drawn by a 6-year-old child (seriously,that woman looked more angular than Matt Smith!).Then,I had some inappropriate dreams about another teacher (because my life is creepy like that) and,to top it all off,my morning chamomile tea made me dream about dreaming about hallucinating.That made total sense,I can guarantee you of it.
And it sucks immensely because today it was beautiful outside:the sun was brilliant,I could hear ducks by the river,the snow was melting,what a sight to see!
Me?I had to stay in,studying for an exam that's left me clawing at my eyes and sharing a room with Mrs. "Grumpy Pants".Honestly,this week has been "Hell" with a capital "H",I cannot wait to get home tomorrow,cry my soul out and sleep for 12 hours straight!I am so done with everything right now,you cannot even imagine!
"Best" part?My heart is literally aching me right now,accompanied by a nauseous sensation and a crackling back.Oh,what a joy to be me during these times!I should really see a doctor,though...
And the most ironic part of it is that the car parked outside the window has a license plate number ending in "CIL"-yeah,the only way I could be "chill" right now would be to stick my head in the freezer.Oh,wait...
Yes,sarcasm keeps me alive.I'm left with counting down the hours before I can truly say "fuck it!".

"Do I wanna know?"

...what's going through my roommate's mind right now?Not really.I can guess it involves me dying in 1000 horrible ways,so not that pretty actually.Me?I'm sick and tired and fed up with this fucking ridiculous exam and I want to go home to the people who love me.
Yes,it has been a tiresome day:strong coffee,lazy bones,zero willingness to study,"heavy atmosphere",disturbing naps and a whole lot of candy.I keep telling myself it's only for one day more,but it feels like a "glow in the dark" eternity...
It's not a nice feeling,being hated.Because it does come through as hatred ,in all its "sighing" and "angry gestures" and "blaming eyes" glory.But I have my pride and I know I'm at least in part right.I could have handled this more diplomatically,but that's the price you pay when you don't tell people what's on your mind at the right time and place-instead of a little shake,you get a goddamn earthquake!
But I'm good,I'm fine,I'm fresh now-I cried a little earlier to let it all go a bit,it's cool now.I just have to survive tomorrow and pray that some common sense gets smacked into this world.If not,I'll have to do it myself.Now that would be a sight to see,wouldn't it?
Focus,Adriana,focus!Drink your homemade lemonade and finish your lovely song and get back to work!You'll be "crawling" back home in no time,just you wait and see...

Tumultuous Universe

I do believe the Universe has a way of "arranging" things somehow,I really do,but today was...surreal.And I don't know if in a good,bad or ambiguous way.

First of all,English exam in the morning-boo!,scary,I know.I think I did alright on the written part and my oral examination went just fine (receiving a "Brilliant!" at the end of it just warmed my heart!).After this,I had some stuff to do with a lovely friend,so we walked (a lot!) and chatted about pets and it was awesome.But,considering my sometimes crappy existence,something had to go haywire.

As I get to my dorm room,I notice a "cleaning action" going on.The silence continues,I put my stuff in order,the deal.It's only that some people show their true colors when they can't use you anymore-and that's the story of how I ended up with my food on the table to go bad because I'm not worth "the favor" anymore.

What should I do now,huh?"Proclaim" my drapes,my tablecloth,my broom and so on?Please,I'm not that low.

What bothers me most is that 1.she did this to do me harm and I can't understand why you would even do that in the first place and 2. I really can't take back all my "college help",which leaves me feeling a bit abused,honestly.See what I mean?!

The Universe is going through some rough times,I presume.Me?I'm fine.I'm always fine because the only way in which someone can harm you is if you let them.I'll "survive" and smile at the end-warm pickles and all!

Bad air

Good news:I'm still alive,that headache hasn't killed me yet (though it's still persisting).Bad news:life still sucks monkey balls.

This silly and obnoxious fight was the last thing I needed before tomorrow's English exam.It's tiresome to handle all that heavy silence and all those meaningful sighs and all that childish display of...I don't know what.This air has become bad and it's smothering me.

I get it-nobody's perfect-but that doesn't mean you can't try and censor yourself,filter things twice...once in a while.I try-I don't know how much I succeed,but I try to bother as little as possible and let the other be.Well,maybe I was too permissive,because I was taken to be a fool,apparently.I'm almost laughing,to be honest!
All I want to do is be home and forget about people entirely-at least about the ones who insist on making my life a living Hell.But I have one last exam on Monday and a book to handle tomorrow and the odds are not in my favor,friends...
Luckily for me,the room was pretty much empty today,so I managed to cram in some information.Though I am tired (I'll go as far as to say I've become mentally and spiritually exhausted),I will not yield.I will stand my ground.
What you are witnessing,dears,is me becoming the bitch I should have been from the start...

Mental Band-Aid

I'm mad.And I'm sad.And I'm shaking,almost crying,hanging on to my last shredded piece of sanity that's in there somewhere,I know it.
Living with a stranger can be hard,I know and understand that.We all have to make compromises so that we don't kill each other,but I think I've entered the twilight zone and I need somebody to get me out of here a.s.a.p.
How in the name of seven hells do you get all bothered by (hold on to you pants) the sound my highlighter makes against the page?Pardon the not so lady-like language,but fuck me sideways,this is ridiculous!I study visually,so I need a big ass rainbow,deal with it!
As you can imagine,this was the spark that ignited my "let me list a couple of things I don't like about your behavior around here".Short brawl,shaking everything,big silence.At least everything is out there-we'll let time decide for the rest.
But I am flabbergasted-I mean...?!?You could just tell me my presence annoys you,but the highlighter thing...Right now,I just might be the human embodiment of "what the actual fuck".
I put up with so much shit,but I don't bring it up because I don't want to cause situations like this one.But no more "nice" me because I can see now it's getting me nowhere.
God,I could use a mental Band-Aid for the splitting headache that's chewing at me right now...